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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to tell childless friend I'm pregnant?

113 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:40

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and would prefer to wait until after the anomaly scan.

I have a good school friend who desperately wants a child and after a miscarriage, they have so far been unsuccessful with IVF (they have been attempting for several years). She shut herself away and basically cut herself off from anyone with kids (including her sister).
We have common ground in that I was referred to ACS with my previous partner. We were unable to conceive and I was told that it would be unlikely that I could do so naturally (but I now have), so I was there to listen to what she was going through and to sympathise.

I don't see her very often, but a few of us are meeting this weekend and obviously I won't be drinking. I've already made my excuses for that, but I don't know whether I should take her aside later and tell her the truth. I know she'll be upset, but I worry that she'll be more upset if the conversation tonight revolves around her fertility (as it quite often does) and I withhold this from her. The other thing is that it's a belated birthday celebration for her, so on the other hand, I'd feel bad to potentially spoil it for her.

I know that she won't be upset with me, but I feel that she's finally starting to deal with her issues and I don't want to set her back. Minefield.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2018 08:43

I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread though as she’s obviously a lovely friend so I’m going to step away now. I’m surprised that after 8 years “you’ve already got one” can cause as much pain. Seems I haven’t dealt with it as I thought

KC225 · 28/04/2018 08:45

Firstly, congratulations.

I have IVF twins, so know that well trodden path. Do not tell her before hand if you want her to go. People who are say she can cry privately for an hour and get used to it are well meaning but ........ She may think she is okay with it but seeing you face to face is a different matter. She will notice every soft drink you order. If she is only just rejoining the group then let her have a good weekend.

It is easy to not drink on these occasions. I would tell people I am fisnishing a course of antibiotics for a throat infection. Or say you have blood tests on Monday and dont want to drink. No really questions antibiotics or medical stuff.

After the weekend, tell her. You will be able to guage more when you see her. Have a chat ask her how it's going what her next plans are?

Good luck OP

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2018 08:46

I would text or e mail her, so that she can read the news in her own time, and digest it, not having to put a front on when you are there.

PurpleDaisies · 28/04/2018 08:49

No really questions antibiotics or medical stuff.

They won’t say it out loud but absolutely everyone will know that means you’re pregnant.

Ardant · 28/04/2018 08:52

I've found that people on antibiotics usually risk drinking anyway, so unless you're known to be quite health-cautious, it wouldn't work.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 28/04/2018 08:54

I have fertility issues and a friend told me recently that she was pregnant, by message, ahead of a group event. It was thoughtful, I am totally pleased for for her. Try that?

ohbigdaddio · 28/04/2018 09:31

I'm in the position of your friend and a friend recently sent me a scan photo and the words "We're having a baby!!!" She knows about our infertility/IVF struggle and I found it very upsetting and insensitive when all I've ever seen are scans of my very empty womb.

You sound lovely in comparison. I really think a text would be best (minus scan photo!) so that she can cry, swear etc and then compose herself for when she sees you. It gives her time to absorb the news and then come round to the idea.

I know my face would just drop if I was told in a big group of people and I'd have to run to the toilet in tears. It is such a struggle when you can't conceive, your news is lovely and if your friend gets upset it's not personal. She just wishes it was her too.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 28/04/2018 09:41

Actually if you are not telling anyone the. Don’t tell her? But when you do start telling people make sure you message her or see her rather than her finding out about it when in a group

chestylarue52 · 28/04/2018 09:45

Please text her, before the social event. Please.

SeaCabbage · 28/04/2018 09:56

If you aren't tellilng anyone, then I would say definitely leave it until sometime after this weekend. It is meant to be a fun weekend for her, not a complete nightmare.

Just make sure that you are firm about why you aren't drinking and don't let anyone "guess". What will you say? Is it antibiotics, driving? It would just be so awful if your news came out on the night.

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 10:00

JacquesHammer

Actually I do get it. I had a friend who had secondary infertility at the same time when I was TTC. Her grief was as intense as mine, just different. She'd had a miscarriage before I met her and that had affected her deeply.

And this isn't the same, obviously, but I still feel sadness at not having bio DCs, and it's so hard to admit it when I love my adopted DDs to pieces. I also feel sadness that I never got to enjoy the newborn baby stage, because my DDs both came to us at age 1.

RyvitaBrevis · 28/04/2018 10:19

Text. 100%.

Personally, I think if you were already planning on waiting to tell everyone, wait to tell her too. Keep low key at the event and try not to be weird. I'm sure it will be easier than you think! All the best.

surreygirl1987 · 06/05/2018 17:14

OP how did the birthday event go? Hope all was okay.

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