Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

How to tell childless friend I'm pregnant?

113 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:40

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and would prefer to wait until after the anomaly scan.

I have a good school friend who desperately wants a child and after a miscarriage, they have so far been unsuccessful with IVF (they have been attempting for several years). She shut herself away and basically cut herself off from anyone with kids (including her sister).
We have common ground in that I was referred to ACS with my previous partner. We were unable to conceive and I was told that it would be unlikely that I could do so naturally (but I now have), so I was there to listen to what she was going through and to sympathise.

I don't see her very often, but a few of us are meeting this weekend and obviously I won't be drinking. I've already made my excuses for that, but I don't know whether I should take her aside later and tell her the truth. I know she'll be upset, but I worry that she'll be more upset if the conversation tonight revolves around her fertility (as it quite often does) and I withhold this from her. The other thing is that it's a belated birthday celebration for her, so on the other hand, I'd feel bad to potentially spoil it for her.

I know that she won't be upset with me, but I feel that she's finally starting to deal with her issues and I don't want to set her back. Minefield.

OP posts:

womanhuman · 27/04/2018 17:01

heydolly
‘Hello, I know this might be hard for you to hear, so I wanted to let you know privately ahead of /first - I am finally pg, due . I still have everything crossed you’ll be sending me a similar text soon. I’ll see you on sat/soon, call me beforehand if you want.’

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/04/2018 17:02

Definitely text or email her before the event. That way she can cry in private and then formulate a response when she's feeling calmer, rather than having to put a brave face on as she would if it was face to face or over the phone.

Yes, she may pull out of the get together but if she does that's her choice. I think you're right that it would be worse to meet up, possibly have the subject of fertility come up and then tell her after. Even worse still would be getting the news on the night out itself and having to choose between cutting the evening short (which might appear rude and worry everyone) or carry on trying to hide the fact you're having a miserable time.

rwalker · 27/04/2018 17:03

phone call b4 hands explain you don't know what to do call,text or face to face say sorry if i've misjudged it then tell her

OlennasWimple · 27/04/2018 17:04

Phone is a good in between method: not face to face, so she doesn't have to put on a pretend smile, not by text / email with the chances of things getting lost in translation.

Flipchisandmushypeaa · 27/04/2018 17:05

Congratulations! My close friend rang me to tell me, she texted me before asking if I was in so although I didn’t know for sure, I pretty much guessed what she was going to tell me. I was happy for her but it did sting a bit. I then fell pregnant soon after and it was a successful pregnancy this time and I’m glad she dealt with it the way she did!

Original poster

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 17:06

Thanks everyone. I think I'll hold off telling her before the weekend. I don't think anyone will really suspect as the last few times we've met up I've not really been drinking (and not pregnant) as working the next day and have to drive early in the morning. Gone are my days as a total boozehound!

I'll wait until we're ready to tell people, then I'll text/email. Good advice with making sure her partner will be there to give her support.

OP posts:

Mrsfw · 27/04/2018 17:09

Personally, I hate the ‘this is going to be hard for you..’ or ‘you are going to need some time...’ or ‘were letting you know first’ type intros to these messages, that’s the bit that makes me feel really shit bc it makes the announcement about my reaction rather than the news itself. ‘Hi friend, we have some happy news to share, we are expecting and due on...’ is all you need to say. Congrats by the way! X

PoorYorick · 27/04/2018 17:13

Tell her by text. Then she won't need to hide her emotions and try to act happy while her heart is breaking. She can let her emotions out and control her reply to you....and decide when she's ready to see you.

Laiste · 27/04/2018 17:16

Yes, if you're sure you'll get away with a no drinking excuse it's probably better to get this social event out of the way and tell her in a week or two.

Please do it by text. Early evening time is best when you know she's home. If she wants to chat with you about it she can then ring you immediately obviously. But that will be her decision.

She'll do the maths straight away and realise you were pregnant this weekend at the get together but said nothing. She might ask why you didn't tell her face to face, even though she'll know full well why. I've done the same. It's a weird sort of form of self torture. Just maybe have a breezy reply ready about not telling anyone till after week x,y,z and the scan results. She'll appreciate that. It'll be fine

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2018 17:19

I would have prefer face to face. Chance of a cuddle and a cry!

TheJoyOfSox · 27/04/2018 17:20

I’d say tell her face to face. At least you will be able to convey to her how genuinely sorry you are that her time hasn’t yet come.

It’s not your fault she can’t concieve, if she shuts you out because you have got pregnant, let that be her problem, not yours.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it all goes well for you 💐

DanceDisaster · 27/04/2018 17:22

Yeah, if you can get away with it, I reckon waiting till after the night out is a good plan.

Hopefully nobody would be insensitive enough to do that annoying “oh you’re not drinking! Are you PREGNANT?” thing . Hate that. If I was pregnant and wanted to tell you, I would. But if they do, have your excuses ready maybe.

NapQueen · 27/04/2018 17:24

Its a belated birthday for her? And shes only just starting to socialise again?
if im honest i would pull out. The right thing to do is tell her privately in advance so she doesnt "click" on the night. And if you arent drinking your other friends will also click and then talk will turn to babies. Who would want that on their birthday night out if they were struggling to concieve?

LapdanceShoeshine · 27/04/2018 17:29

It sounds like this really isn't a good moment to let her know, however the news is communicated. Like NapQueen I'd make an excuse (illness or something) to miss it altogether & then she can at least enjoy herself.

Awful situation for you OP. but congratulations

Lalliella · 27/04/2018 17:33

Don’t tell her this weekend. I’ve been there, and if she’s anything like I was it will completely ruin the birthday celebration for her. You can sit there quietly being pregnant for one evening without lying to her. Tell her after the weekend. By text or email or face-to-face, whatever seems appropriate. Make sure you tell her before anyone else. Congratulations on your news

pigmcpigface · 27/04/2018 17:36

I would tell her early. Maybe send a tactfully worded text saying that you need to give her a heads up because you don't want to put her on the spot. She can then have a cry/express her shock and sadness for herself without worrying about your feelings. Tell her you will always be there for her and would love to keep seeing her, but that you completely understand if she wants some space/distance during the pregnancy.

Cottipus · 27/04/2018 17:40

I’ve been in this situation before.

I think the best course of action is to send a text saying you have some news to tell her and when would be a good time to call? It should hopefully give her enough of a heads up of what you’re going to announce.

When you tell her stick to the facts. I would have found it condescending to have a pregnant friend saying “this must be hard for you” etc.

Give her time to process the news and please don’t take it personally if she withdraws from for a while. You are in the fortunate position, she is not.

Good luck, it’s difficult being on either side of this.

Cornettoninja · 27/04/2018 17:43

Hate to say it but if I really didn't want to ruin her night and telling her privately beforehand was likely to result in her ruining it for herself I think I would pull out if I felt strongly for her. I'd tell her by messaging afterwards. Plus I spent most of my pregnancy wanting to sleep!

We struggled for years and I seemed to develop some sort of pregnancy radar. I think she'll suspect either way.

I also think that you should be able to let your other friends fuss over you and enjoy it. I found that when I finally got pregnant/had dd that the previous infertility seemed to overshadow everything. From being overly concerned about others to feeling massively guilty over the hard bits of having a baby that I actively hated since I'd wanted nothing else for so long.

I don't want to sound glib but you've paid your dues, you should be able to do the same as everyone else now on the whole.

Of course don't go out if your way to be insensitive but also don't put yourself in situations that are so emotionally charged if you don't have to.

MrsK1087 · 27/04/2018 17:51

Hi OP
Firstly... congratulations 🙂🙂🙂
I’m in your friends position and have been in a similar situation with friends who were trying/struggling to conceive who were then successful. It’s lovely you are being so thoughtful. I would say that having a friend “break the news” to me the best thing is to send her a message when she’s at home as you have said. My friend sent me a message privately and ended it by saying “I understand if you need a bit of space for a while whilst I am pregnant but please know I am rooting for you” or something along those lines... she never spoke to me much about her pregnancy unless I asked (she had lots of mummy friends who were much better placed to advise and share info anyway). I truly appreciated how thoughtful she was when breaking the mess to me and they have recently had their beautiful baby and we are so happy for them.
Chances are that she’s sussed you are pregnant as you aren’t drinking as her sensitivity will be high to these things (and the IVF drugs send you a bit up the wall anyway!) but keep to your excuse for now and tell her when she’s on her own and not had any alcohol.
Congratulations again xxxx

TammySwansonTwo · 27/04/2018 18:04

I had a few close friends who had multiple failed IVFs when I got pregnant. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant myself so I knew how painful it was when others announced. We’d all discussed the pain of all this many times before.I text them both separately and told them, and warned them the announcement was coming once I’d had my scan. I wanted to make sure they could go through any upset privately without offending me.

One of them was really happy for me and has been a great support since. The other barely speaks to me any more, even though she got pregnant a few months later. We were speaking while she was pregnant but after that she cut me out. I don’t know why (she denies there’s a problem) but it’s really sad.

If you really think she won’t pick up on the fact you’re pregnant and you can get away with not drinking anything alcoholic without it being obvious, I’d wait until afterwards. If she’s likely to notice I would pull out.

lavendargreen · 27/04/2018 19:04

@TammySwansonTwo

This applies to me too. When I became pregnant, I had a couple of childfree friends who didn't want kids, and a couple who did want them - (and it just wasn't happening...)

Only one of the 4 friends (one who wanted one but couldn't conceive,) stayed in touch with me. The ones who didn't want kids were proper arsey, like I'd 'let them down' or something, and one of the friends who wanted one seemed angry with me for not telling her we were even trying. She said I should have told her, so she could have made an 'informed decision' on what to do. Not sure what she meant by that.

I think it's sad that some women cannot conceive, and/or struggle to get pregnant, but I think it's very unfair that women who have conceived should have to apologise for it or feel bad for it.

@Masterofkarateandfriendship

I think I would also text or email her. Rather than tell her face to face. To enable it to sink in for her. She may start to drift away from you though, so be prepared for that.....

Congratulations to you by the way!

Sinkingswimmer · 27/04/2018 19:14

After I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy one of my friends told me by text that she was pregnant so that I didn't find out in the group chat or via facebook/the grapevine. I really appreciated that as I had a chance to process my feelings before seeing her. It would have been scary for her too knowing what had happened to me as we must have got pregnant around the same time.
You sound very considerate. I'd say tell her, but not face to face

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 27/04/2018 19:20

I'd say please don't do it by text. It's so impersonal. And I wouldn't do it in advance. I'd there's a chance you'll ruin her evening it's not fair.

If you reckon you can get away with no one sussing on the night then I'd wait until your 20 week scan and all her and tell her then. At the same time as other people. That then covers you not telling her before or at this evening out as she'll be finding out at the same time as everyone else.

Good luck. You sound very thoughtful. Am sure that will see you through

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2018 19:22

I'd say please don't do it by text. It's so impersonal.

It’s not impersonal. It’s what people who have been in this situation have said they prefer.

Wingingitoften · 27/04/2018 19:26

Congratulations! And you sounds like a lovely, thoughtful friend.

I’d not long had a missed miscarriage when some close friends announced their pregnancy. They text me their happy news which I really appreciated; I spent the day crying but went back with a very lovely message congratulating them. If that had been face to face I couldn’t have contained my tears and I’d never have wanted them to see that.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5