How to tell childless friend I'm pregnant?

[Masterofkarateandfriendship]

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and would prefer to wait until after the anomaly scan.

I have a good school friend who desperately wants a child and after a miscarriage, they have so far been unsuccessful with IVF (they have been attempting for several years). She shut herself away and basically cut herself off from anyone with kids (including her sister).
We have common ground in that I was referred to ACS with my previous partner. We were unable to conceive and I was told that it would be unlikely that I could do so naturally (but I now have), so I was there to listen to what she was going through and to sympathise.

I don't see her very often, but a few of us are meeting this weekend and obviously I won't be drinking. I've already made my excuses for that, but I don't know whether I should take her aside later and tell her the truth. I know she'll be upset, but I worry that she'll be more upset if the conversation tonight revolves around her fertility (as it quite often does) and I withhold this from her. The other thing is that it's a belated birthday celebration for her, so on the other hand, I'd feel bad to potentially spoil it for her.

I know that she won't be upset with me, but I feel that she's finally starting to deal with her issues and I don't want to set her back. Minefield.

I also find @cheerymom’s position quite surprising.

Congratulations. It is your happy news and I don't see why you have to walk on egg shells and cushion your friend

Well, no she doesn’t “have to”, but presumably she’s a decent human being who doesn’t want to hurt her friend and isn’t self-absorbed enough to think that her right to a celebration trumps any need to consider anyone else.

It isn’t acceptable to ride roughshod over people’s feelings, treat them with insensitivity and a lack of empathy, just because it’s “your happiness” and nothing should get in the way of you enjoying it to the fullest.

It’s possible to be happy and still consider other people’s feelings. That’s far more ‘adult’ than saying “fuck it, this is MY moment and you’re bringing me down with your pesky feelings”, which just sounds bratty.

I had friend once ruin anothers' big night out because one was pregnant and the other had had a miscarriage the year

Because a night out is so much more important .

wait until after the scan

Argh! I hate this sort of negativity. 14 weeks is generally considered safe to tell people. Please don't put negative shit on pregnant people for the 3% or less chance things can go wrong at this stage. OP you enjoy your pregnancy!

I also say tell her by text when you know she's at home with her partner. I was told after a late loss face to face I struggled to put on a brave face and eventually did cry. I am still angry months later by the way I was told, the fact it was also my due date didn't help.

I was in a similar situation when pregnant - I didn't personally struggle but had a friend who had recently come to the end of the road in terms of fertility treatment.

I told her by text and she was very thankful as PP have said it will give her time to privately process in her own way whether that's screaming, crying or whatever. I wouldn't personally mention it before the night out and if you think you can get away with not drinking I'd say go for it

As pp have said, do it by text. I remember when my SIL was pregnant and I saw that text. It was horrible but at least I had the chance to cry and rage and scream before seeing her and the rest of the family.

Also, when you do see her and talk about it, and she's putting on her best brave face, please don't complain about your morning sickness or stretch marks or anything else - she will be desperate to have those problems and it will be worse than if you're really happy and positive about everything. If you do have any issues with your pregnancy, and I really hope you don't, she is not the person to go to to talk about it.

Tell her after by text.

It gives her the opportunity to process the information in private.

I struggled for ten years and putting on a brave face is hard when you just want to let all your emotions out.

You sound lovely by the way

Also congratulations

Text. I appreciated having the chance to sob in private and feel sorry for myself for a bit.

Then I was able to phone/meet up or whatever to congratulate them sincerely and without reservation.

Congratulations OP

The question of how to tell- I would definitely send a text, let her process the news in her own time/space.

Face to face puts pressure on the other person to put on a happy face and deal with the sudden news which may be quite a shock (or they may already have an inkling?).

Either way, if it were me, I'd much prefer to deal with my emotions by myself- then send a heartfelt congratulatory message and get my shit together properly for when we next meet in person.

It sounds like you are a very considerate & thoughtful friend.

Just tell her. Being cagey about it will be harder for her to cope with when she does find out. I'm infertile, I discovered it during IVF, as I was unable to produce any embryos, and only one immature egg. Then my DSis got pregnant. There were furtive conversations between her and my DM while she and I were away on a group weekend together. It was obvious there was something going on. When they told me, I was genuinely delighted for my DSis and it was this that showed me that I was ready to move on, and ready to apply to adopt, which we did.

Your friend will find out soon. So she needs to hear from you not from someone else. I would suggest text or email, then she'll have time to have a cry in private and then hopefully be happy for you. But don't try and hide it, because, like me, she will know there's something going on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Yet another one saying do it by text. I have been that friend and appreciated the chance to process it (ie. bawl my eyes out) privately.

Those who are advising call or face to face - are you childless / struggling with long term infertility or recurrent miscarriage?

Yes. I’m completely infertile due to damage following a m/c. (Secondary infertility although that doesn’t make a difference)

I really valued friends telling me face to face because it shared a moment of grief for me and joy for them.

I say this with some trepidation @JacquesHammer and I really hope that you understand what I mean here, but secondary infertility at least means you're a Mum already.

It's not top trumps about who's suffered the most or who's got it worse but there's a world of difference between you and me and our lives as a result of you getting to be a parent. Once you have a child, you at least have them. You probably have extra levels of guilt and pain I'll never feel around giving them siblings and so on, as well as the "regular" heartbreak of infertility, but it's a divergence of experience from that point forward.

For me, I'll never ever ever keep a pregnancy, give birth, have a child and nourish them and watch them grow. I'll never know the million joys and heartbreaks and utter boredoms and trials and pains and happinesses of parenthood at all. I'll never know the sleep deprivation or fall over toys scattered round the house, do school pickups or moan about who's not done the cleaning or face the temper tantrums. I'll never see them at Christmases or birthdays or playing in a park or learning something new. I'll never know any of it, and you will at least get some.

I say all this to explain that since my life is immeasurably different and on such a different path, there's a big chance that my responses to pregnancies and infertility are different from yours too. As such please be cautious of saying there's no difference, while hinting that if you're fine with it, others should be too.

When so many childless women say "text" on the thread and over on the infertility boards, that sounds like quite a consensus of advice to me.

Not all of us will be like that and we'll change over time I hope but why risk it if you value a friendship?

(God I hope you know what I mean and don't think I'm out to play top trumps!)

I think in this situation everything you do will be wrong as you giving her news she wants to give herself. I think a gentle face to face might be best. You sound a very thoughtful friend. Congratulations and fingers crossed your friend soon has her own news to share. I never thought id ever have a baby but just when id given up she came along. Miracles do happen. At the worse point i never had taken the news no matter how it was given and its the reason why dh and i couldnt see very close family on one side for a few years which may sound selfish but the pain was awful as they had three babies within three years.

but secondary infertility at least means you're a Mum already

I’m sorry but I stopped reading there. That is the single worst thing to hear when you have secondary infertility because not only are to dealing with the aftermath of what you’re going through, it shuts down your right to grieve.

Can you try to keep reading Jacques? It's up to you but I hope you'll see I was trying to explain that things are different. I'm really sorry I've hurt you.

@Ardant I know it’s different. It also doesn’t make either experience less valid.

I spent many years hearing “oh at least you have one” and “it can’t be that bad when you’ve got one”.

It took me as long to get over the lack of right to grieve as it did to get over losing a much wanted baby and the aftermath. All because people can’t just say “I’m so sorry”.

Life's hard we have to deal with chronically painful situations and avoiding social situations or people generally doesn't work. Therefore it is the right thing for OP to let her friend know she is pregnant in an adult fashion.

Don’t you think that when people are in an unbearably painful situation that they should be entitled to protect themselves from more pain? Or do you think they should just suffer it in silence for the sake of everyone else? I have been in the situation of the OP’s friend many times and sadly my turn never came. But at least I didn’t have friends as horrible and unfeeling as you,

ardat

Secondary infertility means that I am a mum already but my husband as a 0.1% chance of becoming a father and that my only child came from a horribly abusive relationship, of which I remember nothing of my pregnancy, birth of my child’s first 6 months of life due to PTSD. I really don’t think you should underestimate secondary infertility.

OP I personally think I’d go for the next approach too, that way she can be sad and have all of the emotions she’ll have without being stood right in front of you. A friend of mine recently told me that she’s having her 4th via text and it gave me a chance to process everything before I saw her the following week for coffee.

That's a fair comment @JacquesHammer. I didn't mean to imply for a moment that you couldn't grieve. I'm really sorry it came across that way and also that people treated you like that.

I just think it matters when someone asks "how do I tell my childless friend" as opposed to "how do I tell a friend who's infertile" ... Does that make sense?

Again I apologise for hurting you

I experienced secondary infertility too jacques and my opinion is that it is different. For me, it didn't mean that the pain and grief was any less, but on the other side of the coin there was the ongoing joy in my life of already having a child. I cannot imagine how I'd have got through it without that, and I don't think it should be underestimated. I would never presume to tell someone who no children that it makes no difference... That would be dismissing the importance in my life of having a child and negating the experience of those with no children. That's my take on it anyway.

Thanks for explaining Jacques - it's helpful to understand a different POV. We are all individuals and prefer to hear such news in different ways.

The long term barrens coming to terms with never becoming a mother tend to be on different threads to posters with secondary infertility - because each has its own grief. They are different experiences and just as someone with a child by definition isn't facing involuntary childlessness and the prospect of never becoming a mother, and never becoming part of the parents club that they're peering at longingly from the outside, so too is it the case that by definition the childless can't share in the grief of secondary infertility, and everything that comes with that.

Not better, not worse, just different.

I had to tell my best friend who is going through IVF and hated everyone who announce they were pregnant that I was pregnant and it was very much a surprise, I told her via text as wasn't going to see her and didn't want to keep it secret from her , she admitted that it was nicer as she had a cry and rant before saying she was excited for us and she didn't need to put on a brave face in front of me and hold back the tears . It just depends on how you think she'll react , we spoke about it face to face and she was excited and was really there for me when I lost the baby xx congratulations to you though XXX

I'm not underestimating anything @Justwaitingforaline, I was responding to the "there's no difference" comment to try to explain that there is and it might well affect how people can take news, that's all.

I think @Eatsleepworkrepeat has put it better than I did. Would you like me to withdraw my post so it doesn't hurt anyone else? Let me know and I'll report it.

@EatSleepWorkRepeat

For the purposes of the thread though it’s no different is my point! The situation is the same, one person struggling, one pregnant. That was my point.

And no. Categorically I would never tell anyone I was discussing with it was no different. My stock response is always “how bloody rotten, what can I do?” Sadly people are always at great pains not to extend the same sensitivity.