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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell childless friend I'm pregnant?

113 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:40

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and would prefer to wait until after the anomaly scan.

I have a good school friend who desperately wants a child and after a miscarriage, they have so far been unsuccessful with IVF (they have been attempting for several years). She shut herself away and basically cut herself off from anyone with kids (including her sister).
We have common ground in that I was referred to ACS with my previous partner. We were unable to conceive and I was told that it would be unlikely that I could do so naturally (but I now have), so I was there to listen to what she was going through and to sympathise.

I don't see her very often, but a few of us are meeting this weekend and obviously I won't be drinking. I've already made my excuses for that, but I don't know whether I should take her aside later and tell her the truth. I know she'll be upset, but I worry that she'll be more upset if the conversation tonight revolves around her fertility (as it quite often does) and I withhold this from her. The other thing is that it's a belated birthday celebration for her, so on the other hand, I'd feel bad to potentially spoil it for her.

I know that she won't be upset with me, but I feel that she's finally starting to deal with her issues and I don't want to set her back. Minefield.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 27/04/2018 19:27

It’s what people who have been in this situation have said they prefer

It’s what some people have said they prefer. Others prefer face to face. It’s virtually impossible to take a straw poll because opinions are polar opposites

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2018 19:29

Ok jacques, it’s what the vast majority of people posting on this sort of thread on the infertility board prefer.

Cheerymom · 27/04/2018 19:29

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willynillypie · 27/04/2018 19:30

OP tell her now, so she has a chance to disinvite you if that's easier for her/come to terms with it. If you wait until afterwards she will know you saw her and withheld it and will be more upset.

I found out about my pregnancy a few weeks after my best friend had an abortion, on the day we were supposed to meet for breakfast. Sent her a text like "not sure you will want to see me today as I've just found out I'm pregnant and will probably want to talk about it". She replied that of course she did - but I was very happy I had given her the option of pulling out if it would've been too much.

And many congratulations!!

PoorYorick · 27/04/2018 19:31

I vote for text because she won't have to hide her feelings and do the happy act while her heart is breaking (I am sure she will be genuinely happy for you, but she'll be so, so sad for herself). She can be at home, with her partner for support, and deal with it in her own way in private until she's ready to talk to you.

If you do decide to do it in person, just be really really careful not to create a situation where she has to comfort you, or it becomes about the awkwardness you're feeling. So nothing along the lines of "I was so worried about telling you" etc. Just that you have to tell her because she needs to know, and you're sorry for the timing and you'll give her whatever space she needs.

House4 · 27/04/2018 19:32

Wow congratulations.
You sound a wonderful, thoughtful friend.
Lots of great advise on here.
Please TEXT her later on in your pregnancy - maybe let her be one of the first people you tell. You could even use part of your opening on here:
We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and (thought best) to wait until after the anomaly scan
Wishing you luck with the rest of your pregnancy .

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 27/04/2018 19:33

Are quite a few people going? If there was any chance at all that she's going to realise you're pregnant, I'd cancel. I remember a similar night when I was recovering from yet another loss, stuck sitting in a restaurant next to an obviously newly pregnant colleague, desperately trying not to cry and counting the minutes til I could get out of there. Not what she needs at her birthday party. Congratulations though Flowers

Ardant · 27/04/2018 19:41

"I find it immature when people can't celebrate their life because of other peoples unfortunate experience."

Words can't express the rage I feel at you right now @Cheerymom. I'd get banned from Mumsnet for calling you the names I thinking of. Unbelievably horrible post.

Text is best OP.

OwlinaTree · 27/04/2018 19:43

Yes don't tell her at her birthday night out. Is she likely to guess?

Cheery I don't know if you've been the friend in this situation, but people aren't emotional imbeciles Hmm They are struggling to come to terms with why their body won't work properly and do the thing that we are supposed to do so naturally.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2018 19:45

I find it immature when people can't celebrate their life because of other peoples unfortunate experience. I had friend once ruin anothers' big night out because one was pregnant and the other had had a miscarriage the year previously

Seriously?? Do you know what empathy is?

MrsK1087 · 27/04/2018 19:48

cheery You clearly haven’t been through or supported anyone going through something as emotive and soul destroying as infertility and miscarriage. It is national infertility week perhaps you should do some research before making throwaway remarks about people being emotional imbociles.... the OP clearly cares about her friend and wants to deal with the situation in a sensitive and kind way and her friend is lucky to have someone so thoughtful. I could go into more detail about how wrong you are but I think I’d be wasting my time... do your research.

HappyMinion · 27/04/2018 19:54

What will happen if someone at the night out asks you outright? Are you willing to lie to all your friends? Are you able to lie to all your friends?

It's her birthday celebration. If the answers to the above are no, you can't lie convincingly then you need to tell her beforehand. You also need to tell her that you 100% understand if she'd rather you didn't go.

Cheerymom · 27/04/2018 19:58

Excuse me, I said one 'doesn't need to be treated like an emotional imbecile". That is, acting as if no one can mention pregnancy. The bloody assumptions of you lot, I've had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy and I would never have let thatl RUIN someone else's joy or celebration. Nor would I expect every pregnant friend to think my sorrow would get in the way of their celebration. SO Mrsk perhaps you should read my post again and stop assuming. And I offered advice which is to phone and tell her like an adult. Now go be morally outraged elsewhere. I

PoorYorick · 27/04/2018 20:00

Wanting to be delicate in telling a friend struggling with infertility about your pregnancy is not treating them like an emotional imbecile. The revelation is a unique moment.

Although when I was pregnant, I never mentioned it to friends who I knew were struggling with infertility. If they brought it up, fine, but I never did. I wasn't treating them like idiots, I was being mindful of their pain.

JacquesHammer · 27/04/2018 20:03

That is, acting as if no one can mention pregnancy

Absolutely. Asking to be informed is a sensitive way is definitely suggesting no-one can mention pregnancy 🙄

Ardant · 27/04/2018 20:11

No, that's even worse, given that you have experience of losses.

You actually know the pain of losing pregnancies, yet still judge other women and call them immature if they can't act instantly joyful at someone else's news without missing a beat?

We're not immature. Sometimes we're just broken.

If a friend who I had confided in and felt close to and shared the experience of infertility with was suddenly pregnant, it would be courteous and kind of them to let me process it alone and then respond properly.

However, so sorry that this notion annoys you though - god fucking forbid.

Cheerymom · 27/04/2018 20:27

Life's hard we have to deal with chronically painful situations and avoiding social situations or people generally doesn't work. Therefore it is the right thing for OP to let her friend know she is pregnant in an adult fashion.

Ardant, sorry that someone with an opposite opinion to you, who has been in this situation twice makes you so angry. Misplaced rage maybe?

MrsK1087 · 27/04/2018 20:28

cheery Not morally outraged, just making the point. Given that you’ve experienced pain like many of us on here I’d have thought your choice of words could have been a little better. Also I can’t see how the childless friend could ruin anything for anyone? Surely the OP is overjoyed to be pregnant and nothing is going to ruin that for her... and so she should be, it’s lovely news.
It’s all about being tactile with these things, an example I use is that I have a friend who is desperate to meeting somebody and unhappily single for years... I’m not going to sit and talk to her about the joys of marriage and how much I love having a husband to come home to every day. She’s no emotional imbocile but why would I want to add to any of her pain? Similarly she makes a conscious decision not to attend events where there will be lots of couples because it makes her uncomfortable, who am I to judge on that and why would I want her to do anything that makes her unhappy?
The OP is doing the right thing; seeking out advice on how to manage a sensitive issue, this is not going to hold any bearing on her enjoyment of pregnancy or once she is holding her beautiful baby.

Ardant · 27/04/2018 20:32

No. Nothing misplaced about it, you clearly have zero concept of empathy but I'm done trying to explain it to you now.

Or I really will get banned from Mumsnet.

Amara123 · 27/04/2018 20:48

As a previous long term poster on the infertility boards, text is definitely what most posters have indicated a preference for. And it's what I preferred myself when in that situation.
When going through IVF etc. I felt very sad and vulnerable and being given time to process things and lick my wounds was appreciated.
Pregnancy is such a personal thing and while it is lovely for people around you to be happy for you, sometimes feelings can be more complicated. Be kind to your friend and enjoy your pregnancy, it's such wonderful news for you!

Laiste · 27/04/2018 20:50

Why is texting someone so they don't have to hide their tears less 'adult' ?

Life's hard and we have to deal with it. Yes i agree with that. When you're struggling with TTC issues you're 'dealing with it' all bloody day long though. Babies and baby related stuff is all you seem to see. Giving pregnancy news sensitively to someone struggling is just a little bit kinder than just announcing it 'because life's hard so deal with it' Hmm

Notevilstepmother · 27/04/2018 20:58

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bananafish81 · 27/04/2018 21:39

I'd say please don't do it by text. It's so impersonal. And I wouldn't do it in advance. I'd there's a chance you'll ruin her evening it's not fair.

On the infertility boards you will struggle to find anyone who would prefer to be told by phone or face to face

Those who are advising call or face to face - are you childless / struggling with long term infertility or recurrent miscarriage? As PurpleDaisies has pointed out, the vast majority of infertile women on MN would always prefer text. And to be told in advance. If you are a fellow barren then I apologise - it's just interesting as it's very much the opposite of what I've seen pretty much anyone else on the long term infertility threads ever post.

I have massively appreciated a private heads up from friends (we are unable to have children). I am thrilled for them, but it's meant a lot that they've given me time to process privately so that I can be happy for them and put my game face on when I see them

Boredofthisnow86 · 27/04/2018 21:42

Wait until after the scan.

TipsNotHacks · 27/04/2018 21:54

Here we go. Why do infertility threads always have to take a nasty turn?

Echoing the words of previous posters, don’t ruin her night when she has summoned up the courage to rejoin life again. Fabulous news for you but leave it at that and let her have one night of fun.

For what it’s worth, if she’s anything like me, she’ll know you’re pregnant already. She just will. My radar for pregnancy is my superpower now.

If you tell her on the night out, she’ll go home and despair over the fact that even on her one night out after months of isolation, she had to deal with celebrating another persons good fortune. I can’t speak for her obviously but many, many years later, I am neither happy or sad when I hear baby news. I’m totally numb. I do, without fail, descend into a full blown panic stack whenever I hear baby news though.

You sound like a thoughtful friend. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

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