What made you leave him?

[Hackneey]

What was the last straw/light bulb moment?

In response to the poster who asked if the 'D' H's left were as abusive to the next girlfriend - my XH isn't. But his new wife is a MUCH more assertive person than I was, and they have no children, so she isn't worn down by the need to keep things civil and quiet and friendly for their sakes. She can blow up at him and tell him to sort his shit out at full volume (which does seem to work, they are very happily married)!

He just wasn't the man for me, but he's clearly the man for her.

He was nothing more than a black shadow in the house
That phrase really does paint a detailed picture in the mind!

I agree with previous posters that the last straw is often a relatively trivial thing but it just tipps the balance and makes you realise that there is no 'solace' in this relationship
it is a net cost to you
a drain on your resources
you are giving much more than you are getting

The black shadow description is interesting. I used to have bad dreams that I was being attacked by a black, heavy shapeless monster that I couldn't get away from. My Mum said "that's him and his drinking". I think she was right.

ohfortuna drained is how I felt when I told him last summer it was rehab or divorce. He did the rehab, grudgingly, was better for a bit, then first chance he got he hit the bottle again and lied about it. I told him then that I had nothing more to give he had had it all from me, and that on my list of priorities it was 1. our DDs, 2. Me, 3. My mum and that he wasn't on the list at all. He still isn't. I feel guilty about that sometimes because DDs and I are doing so well, loving life, and he is a miserable drink-sodden lonely old man, but then I slap myself round the chops and tell myself that his life is the consequence of his choices.

When he made me sleep on the sofa when I ate a choc ice without asking him first

Another one told me that he was seeing someone who liked horses too- except he had allegedly been seeing me for 3yrs- most controlling man I ever met- really emotionally abusive- he’s now a consultant forensic psychiatrist working with vulnerable people

Pointy things why would you feel guilty??! He chose drink over his family, stop feeling guilty and enjoy your life

Hackneey I feel those pricks of guilt because this is the man I married - because I loved him, because he was great, because I wanted to grow old with him. Then the drink came into the mix. We were together for almost 25 years - those ties are difficult to cut. I'm getting there. I would never, ever have him back and I won't do anything that enables him. He has no contact with our DDs - they don't want it and at 15 and 17 they get to decide that. But the fact is that our lives are great and his is shit. And I would like for him to recover and rebuild his life - maybe with someone new - and that would be better than seeing him so miserable. But I'm not coming to the rescue.

Meanwhile I really hope you find a way out because you deserve so much better. Life as a single mum has its problems, but it's infinitely better than life in a loveless relationship.

And thank you for your kind words, it means a lot.

When some twat ran me off the road and I thought had that had been that of me, how miserable I had been for the last 10 years. I sat at the steering wheel, sobbing as I realised how manipulative and controlling my ex had become over the years, that my friends stopped calling, I no longer controlled my finances and he had 50% share of my business I started and ran, undermining me in front of the DCs, my family, as well as in the business.
I came home, told him it was over and he had 2 weeks to move out.
It took 2 years, he ruined my then business and rubbished reputation, alienated my DS for 6 years.
I haven’t regretted my decision for one moment.

Pointythings Yes I can understand why you feel it's hard to let ago, 25 years is a long time. I think the difference is you left while you still had feelings and cared for him, I on the other hand hate him. I've only been with him for 7 years and I've been unhappy for a long time, looking back he was controlling and abusive from day one but I was young and dumb, blinded by love. I have been married for 7 years but I feel like I have been a single mum for 7 years. He's never lifted a finger, I've done and still do everything for the DCs. I cook clean and look after them while he just sleeps and eats. After years of living like that, you're worn out and full of resentment. He literally one day refused to help with the DCs when I was ill, I was begging him to help. He goes out when he wants, I never go out without the DCs. He refuses to look after them, so I have to take them with me. He’s going away on a “lads holiday” in August, yeah that’s right! While I’m at home with the DCs, a part of me really hopes he never comes back.

Just last week he was on the phone to his mate talking about going on a day trip to Wales next month, this is a man who’s so used to doing his own thing that he doesn’t even register to him he’s got a family at home. He didn’t even talk to me about it, the friend just phoned him up and ask if he wanted to go on a day trip to wales and he said yeah.

Nononsensemum sorry to hear that. Glad you’re moved on. Did you live with him for 2 years?

Hackneey you sound very clear in your own head, which is where you want to be. So you will get your ducks in a row, get yourself into a strong position and then divorce the bastard. I have faith in you.

When I told him I was afraid of him and he said I had no reason to be afraid of him.

And I realised how twisted that was, because even if he didn't realise that it's frightening when a bigger, stronger person screams right in your face and calls you names, actually being told that it's frightening should prompt a different response. Maybe something like, "I feel terrible," or "I didn't realise you felt that way." But no, he said I was over-reacting.

The first relationship I got into with a guy after my abusive ex only lasted six weeks - he told me a "funny story" about how he had "absolutely lost it" at his neighbours kids for playing a noisy game of football in the street. As a single Mum of a very nervous preschooler recovering from his Dad's behaviour, this worried me, and I said so.

"Oh no, you don't ever have to worry with me, I'm a pussycat really, it's just those bloody kids I can't stand."

Stupidly, I gave him another chance. One day we we driving off for a day out and another driver didn't give way for him. He practically turned purple, wound the window down and started screaming, driving right up behind them, swearing, flashing his lights... Total road rage. I wanted to open the car door and fling myself out whilst it was still moving.

Then I had to spend the day out with him, hating every second. I got back to his, made my excuses quickly and drove home. A few days later I called and broke up with him. He cried and asked why, I told him because he had abusive tendencies. He again denied it and said he would never be like that to me, but I told him I didn't want to be with soneonecwho could be like that to anyone. He cried and begged some more and I hung up.

I'm just glad that he was infertile (from mumps), because it means he'll never pass his DNA on.

He’s going away on a “lads holiday” in August

If you can wait that long, that's a good time to leave. My ex fucked off for two weeks and came back to a house with only his stuff in it.

He didn't know I'd secured a flat before he even left, but as soon as I knew when he was going I booked time off work and got my very supportive family in to help.

Basically as soon as I knew he was out of the country for sure and not messing with me (that's how paranoid I was by then), we packed up the house and got me out in under a week. He didn't find out where I lived for 6 months, by which time he'd got used to it. He saw our DS in public places only in that time.

The only downside was the rush and stress made my DF ill and put him in hospital for a few days, but he has never let me feel guilty for it. He says he'd rather he felt a bit rough for a few days than have had me killed by my ex.

he is a miserable drink-sodden lonely old man
I have an ex who fits that description Pointy I dont exactly feel sorry for him but I feel sad for his sorry life, I wish he hadn't turned out like that.
I used to hate him but now I pity him, I take no pleasure in his misfortune, the people that he has dragged down, the circle of misery around him.

I still remember that weird chemical smell that he'd have in the morning after a nights drinking

ohfortuna oh that smell... I slept in the spare for the last two years of our marriage because of it. And I saw him Friday because it was his birthday - dropped him off a card and a photo frame with some photos of DDs in it. This was at 5ish. He wafted it massively. He has all kinds of illnesses relating to his drinking. He won't live to see 60 if he carries on. But his problem, not mine.

Thank you pointythings. I know this is the last summer I'll be spending with him in the same house.

Right now he's sitting on the other side of the sofa, watching loud YouTube videos and refuses to turn down the volume. He has no respect at all, I'm so annoyed! If it was the other way around and I was watching loud videos he would tell me to turn volume down and threaten to smash up my phone.

Just read the whole thread.

Am contemplating ending a relationship. He's already moved out because it had become a nightmare him living here. Not abusive but emotionally very draining and I'm ashamed to say that yes, I think he has been sexually coercive including huffs and huge melodramas if I didn't feel like it for a couple of days. Like literally a couple of days ffs.

He also cried in front of my son because I allegedly didn't want him here and shouted and had drama in front of my son. My son has never seen anything like that because I've never allowed it and I won't allow it now. His behaving like that has seriously dented my respect and trust for him - as have the tantrums about sex even though he has realised that was bad and it was allegedly due to insecurity and won't happen again etc.

I am mostly feeling relief that he has finally taken a room and I will wait and see what it's like when I don't feel responsible for him and guilty and obligated by him living in my home and having given up lots to be with us. I want to give him a chance and see if it was just trying to live together in a small place and bringing things together too fast that caused all this.

To be honest though, reading this thread, whilst I'm not identifying with the physical abuse it is making all kinds of red flags stand out that I've downplayed.

I feel like i've been running on guilt and shame since he moved in - alternating between feeling bad that I'm not enough, or difficult or weird or unreasonable and then feeling resentful that i'm feeling that way and suspecting he's making me feel that way.

@TheHoneyBadger my ex used to sulk if I didn’t give in to sex daily and eventually he would just make me have sex anyway. It’s bloody obscene when I think about it now. Now we know that anything less than an enthusiastic yes (throughout) is rape. I believe this. Don’t underestimate the power of the sulk and emotional blackmail. It’s disgusting. Keep strong. It’s not worth it.

I suppose my 'straw' was when he went from Jekyll to Hyde in the blink of an eye when I was 4 months pregnant, and never changed back. We went from having a nice chat in the garden to him blasting at me, for absolutely no reason, that I always fuck everything up. I still stayed with him for 4 years after that, unfortunately, and he just treated me worse and worse. The final straw was when I did the Freedom course (without him knowing about it). I told him on the Monday I was moving out on the Friday, and that was it.

I was with an absolutely charming arch manipulator. One day me and a friend had had cause to go meet his mother, after which he casually said to me "oh yes, she thought (fŕiend) had more about her, and you were a bit vanilla". I was suffering from my first bout of clinical depression at the time. It was so minor but also so needlessly and pointlessly cruel and I knew then he did not love me. So that was it. Thank GOD!

Actually, thinking about it, I do know when the final straw was. I'd been shopping and bought some new sharp knives for cooking. I put them, still in the packaging, on the kitchen counter and went to see to the DC. A while later, I went to the kitchen to wash the knives and put them away, and they were gone! When I asked him what had happened to the knives, he denied any knowledge of them, and tried to convince me I hadn't bought any, even though I had the receipt to prove it. That kinda scared me a bit and spurred me on to do the Freedom program. Never did find out what he did with the knives.