What made you leave him?

[Hackneey]

What was the last straw/light bulb moment?

Hackneey You've posted in AIBU. If you take a look at the Relationship board, there's plenty of advice on getting away. Advice about safety, finances, etc. And lots of support.

I left after 3 decades. You are getting out sooner, hopefully, you and your DCs have lots to look forward to.

Thanks Torvi I'm working on it.

Wow! 3 decades? When did you realise things weren't right? How long were you with him before realising that?

The article by a previous poster on strangulation or choking and how it’s a sign your partner will kill you next is terrifying. Please get out now anyone who this has happened to.

I sometimes wonder when we do split up and he gets a new girlfriend, would he treat he different because she's not me? I think about this a lot, how he will be around another woman. Maybe he just messed with my head over the years I dunno

Unless he got some serious long term help, then yes he would treat another woman the same. When I was in a relationship like this my partner had one serious relationship before ours. He was always vague as to why they broke up. One day he asked me to help him sort out a big pile of paperwork he had. In it I found a goodbye note from her which made it pretty clear she’d “escaped” one day while he was out. I asked him about it (he was in a good mood that day) and he admitted that yes, her mum had come and got her and all her stuff while he was at work and he had no idea, and yes it was because he was abusive.

Yes ferntwist I can only imagine how many women here on MN have been strangled 😢

The was a time when he was shouting and screaming in my face, I threatened to call 999 if he didn't stop. I was so scared 😪

Storm he would never admit he's abusive, never! He blames everything on me. If he shouts at me it's because I've done x y z. If he gets in my face it's because I shouldn't have done this and that. He will never change. It got to the point where I would modify my behaviour to please him and even that was good enough. I hope he rots in hell, i really hate him.

Hackneey I’m so sorry you had to go through that from the person who should be there for you most. He should be ashamed of himself, he’s lucky you didn’t kick him out then. I hope it’s not too long before you can make your move.

He also laughed when he found out I'd been involved in a car accident on my way to school.

I broke my arm on a night out with my sister. She called him from A&E to tell him and he acted all concerned on the phone with her, then as soon as she passed the phone to me he started laughing and telling me it was hilarious. Utter prick.

Sadly that was years before I finally left him. At the time he managed to convince me that I was being unreasonable for not ‘seeing the funny side’ with him even though I hadn’t even been given any painkillers yet and I was crying down the phone at how much pain I was in.

hackneey. As far as I know exH isn’t in a permanent relationship, but it always hurt me to think he would turn all the charm on onother woman and treat her as he did me when we first met. To the outside world he is the kind concerned great listener, especially women.

I never talked to anyone except my sister. Nothing was said to me in public, all behind closed doors. I was too ashamed and thought who would believe me, his act was so good.

Name calling, veiled threats, manipulation, comparing me to his friends wives. All familiar.

I didn’t think I was scared of him because I learned to stand up for myself, but he would always up the anti and physical violence began to creep in. When I realised my stomach would go into knots when he started shouting I realised I was. When he finished ranting he became visibly relaxed and happier. When he saw fear and distress in my face (crying was an even bigger victory) he got what he wanted and would stop.

Hitting you is just a matter of time, believe me.

I got a good job and the kids were old enough to cope when I started divorce proceedings. I had great support from his brother, who is the loveliest friend ever and restored my faith and made me realise it was nothing to do with upbringing but my exH’s choice to behave as he did.

Just make plans and don’t let on. If he thinks you are leaving you will get either false promises or violence You won’t regret it I promise.

Most recent ex: when I realised that someone who could damage my house and (1) not apologise immediately, (2) not apologise even when I got angry and told him why damaging my house was a big deal, and (3) not offer to help fix it, was not worth wasting my time with. The damage was accidental, his decision to give me the silent treatment when I protested was not. This was the end of a series of similar "little things", like consistently walking so fast I couldn't keep up and refusing to slow down for me. I realised that if he valued me, he wouldn't treat me like that.

@Hackneey: you deserve better. He's got no right to poison your kids against you.

When I told him I was afraid of him and he said I had no reason to be afraid of him.

And I realised how twisted that was, because even if he didn't realise that it's frightening when a bigger, stronger person screams right in your face and calls you names, actually being told that it's frightening should prompt a different response. Maybe something like, "I feel terrible," or "I didn't realise you felt that way." But no, he said I was over-reacting.

His denial made it obvious that he was doing it deliberately because he wanted to make me afraid of him. But of course he insisted he wasn't abusive because he'd never hit me.

kittens so many men think that because they don’t hit you they’re not abusive. Pushing you, grabbing your arm so hard it leaves bruises, knocking hot coffee out of your hand, grabbing your cloths and waving their fist in your face, elbowing you so hard in the stomach it knocks you over, of course doesn’t count. I think they know it’s a line they can’t cross. Not because of any morality but because society recognises this as domestic violence (and often disregards EA and verbal abuse) and they don’t believe they are capable of DV. They really believe it is you who make them behave the way they do and that absolves them of guilt.

They also know that because your head is so fucked up being blamed for their behaviour you half believe it is something in you, even though you know it isn’t. Therefore they are justified in screaming you and therefore it isn’t wrong! These men genuinely believe they are not abusive because they don’t hit you.

It is shocking here to see how many stories echo each other. Where does this mindset come from?

Dear God. Mumsnet has shown me how bad men are - and how good.

Yeah mine would often tell me I did stuff on purpose to make him angry. He did sort of admit to the abuse, he used to go all out afterwards and buy me expensive gifts, he wouldn’t say sorry but would say “you know this is my way of saying sorry”.

His classic line was “I act this way with you because I love you so much and your the only person I can be myself with”. He admitted he put on an act with other people. There was actually a lot he admitted to but he had absolutely zero motivation to change, in his mind his “perfect” woman will just tolerate it all.

so many men think that because they don’t hit you they’re not abusive [...] I think they know it’s a line they can’t cross. Not because of any morality but because society recognises this as domestic violence (and often disregards EA and verbal abuse) and they don’t believe they are capable of DV.

YES. So much, this.

I know this will sound awful and I absolutely don’t mean any offence to anyone who has actually been hit by their partner (which is a horror I can’t even imagine) but I will admit that there were times I wished he would just go ahead and hit me, because then I’d finally ‘know’ I was being abused rather than doubting myself all the time.

He told me plenty of times that he wanted to hit me and would say things like ‘one day I’ll end up in jail because of you’ but he obviously knew that he couldn’t cross that line. So he just tormented me in other ways instead.

Frieda that’s so sick. It’s mental torture. I hope you didn’t stay too long.

Kicked the door down in front on dd1 who was 2.

Being told to fuck off and die on Xmas day

After him telling me that the illness I'd been suffering from for two months was all in my head, after him growling then roaring at ds to turn off tap while brushing his teeth and then me for not doing it either after him prowling around the house when both dc were present saying where the fuck is she where the fuck is she and then culminating with pushing me in front of ds.
I decided that day this would never happen again, the person who should have been supporting me wasn't supportive and my children don't need to witness any adult treating their mother like dirt.

My ex has a bloody fan club of sychophants who don't know him. Of course I'm the worst person ever to split up with someone SOOO wonderful. Thankfully my adult daughter keeps me sane; she has seen him at his worst.

Every time we spoke we argued about something petty and he always made me feel bad about myself but always played the victim if I challenged it.

One day he phoned me and just had that tone of voice like he was going to start another silly argument and I had that lightbulb moment and as calm as you like just said "I'm done"

He cried and pleaded that it would be different but it was just like someone had flicked a switch and I suddenly felt nothing for him. Best decision I ever made.

Oh @Hackneey I just see your response, I hope you're ok

You deserve so much better than that

With exH I lost the six stone I had gained since meeting him (and an extra stone) and finally felt confident enough to leave him. It just hadn’t been working for a long, long time and I knew I didn’t really love him anymore but I was fat and lacking in self esteem so stayed too long. It was hard but worth it.

In an abusive relationship when I was younger I put up with him: threatening me with a knife to my throat, throttling me, slapping me around the face in public, trying to tell me what to wear, constantly putting me down, wiping my lipstick off with a baby wipe because he hated it, hiding my phone away so I couldn’t use it around him, never giving me a choice in anything, cheating, threatening to commit suicide if I left (and indeed attempting suicide once), always taking ketamine and disappearing into a black hole (he would have absolutely no idea I was even there...)

I just snapped and had enough one day. Blocked him everywhere. He stalked me for months before assaulting me in the street one day. Twat. It took me a long time to move on from that.