Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

So your Mum has pretty much never worked? Sounds like she's had a nice lifestyle and getting half a million out of the divorce seems good to me.

So what? Different people have different expectations. He's being a CF and has probably been hiding money for years.

Tell your mum, then the settlement will be fair because someone else will decide, not your dad.

@MousyLousy You poor thing. I agree with those people saying tell you mum but PLEASE make sure she gets independent legal advice before signing anything - the starting point after that long is 50/50 and it may well be that with the career sacrifices she has made that she will get more than half. Your dad's cohabitee's wealth is also likely to be taken into account. She needs to look for a solicitor who specialises in matrimonial finance and get someone with experience - I used to work in this field and happy to recommend firms if you want to PM me (including the firm who dealt with my divorce!). Hope you are OK xx

Absolutely tell her! And I would be going back and photographing all proof to give her before telling him what I found and how disgusted I am at his deceit and blaming her for the divorce.

Your Mum needs independent advice and to see a solicitor. He has hidden assets.

How much she is entitled to however doesn't depend on why they are separating or that there is another woman. It does sound like they are reasonably wealthy and so there are likely pensions and so on to take into account and if your Mum stayed at home she may not have full pension rights so that needs sorting too

OP I can't stop thinking of you and what an awful situation this is. I hope you're alright and your mum is too. I think it's going to be an awful conversation to have but you really must let her know. She probably already has her suspicions and you would just be confirming them. Whatever you decide to do I hope it goes well for you

Tell her! She seems to be the only person who isn't privvy to this important information.

She needs to be one step ahead. Even if she decides to do nothing with it, at least she knows. And also regarding the affair: what if she thinks there may be a chance of reconciling with dad? What if she has been building her hopes up? As painful as it is, at least she can begin to heal.

Please tell her, before they pull that rug from under her.

my dad left my mum when her dad was in hospital terminally ill with cancer
he bailed out of the relationship when the going got tough, ok some people do that, his g/f will probably do the same to him

I dont think it's reasonable to judge him for leaving a relationship that he feels is no longer working for him, but cheating your mum out of her share is another matter

I am a bit surprised that you even dithering about this! Your mother has a right to know about the true financial situation. That shouldn’t even be a moral dilemma. She is entitled to a fair split based on the real financial figures. This isn’t about playing any blame game but winding down finances. Withholding and fudging true figures is not a million miles different in terms of shady behaviour by people who opt for bankruptcy and hide their assets. I would not feel guilty about having played detective. Your father is lying to all of you. Fair enough, he is entitled to happiness but this does not mean literally at the expense of his first long-term wife. I would be disgusted by his conduct, such a bloody cliché, trading up to a much younger model and trying to keep most of the money. She should get half the pension, after all, she did her part in raising the kids, as well as probably the rental properties. He seems to have squirrelled away a lot more to be able to splash out so much!

My dad will probably never speak to me again and it was really bad for us to have gone through his pockets.

He won't have to find out you went through his pockets or that you told your mum.

What he has done, where he is living, these things are facts, and the facts can be discovered any number of ways. If you are spending ££££££ on massive houses and expensive restaurants, you run the risk that someone who knows you is going to see you and blab.

If you are that worried, you could employ a private detective to find out the information that will be presented in the divorce, so that you don't have to use yours. Don't laugh! - that's not as far fetched as you would think - I live in a small village and I know of two, it's big business these days. It would be easy peasy (and therefore probably not very expensive) for a private detective to find out the information you have done, especially when you give him/her all the clues to start with, eg "My Dad is living at 24 Adultery Avenue, can you get some proof that he a) lives there and b) owns the house" etc.

I would tell your mum. She needs to know the score and she deserves a fair settlement given that she's spent her life running a home and raising a family.

Tell her tell her tell her

Tell her not to confront him but take evidence straight to her lawyer. He's lying. This will look bad.

She needs a pension she gave up her job to raise you and if she's fifty she has a long time still to live. She needs a share of that pension

Can you imagine how you will feel if you don't speak up, and it all comes out after it's too late for her to get what she has a right to?

Don't envy you though.

Your dad would never know you found anything if you tell your mum to hire someone to watch his movements.

I think you need to tell your mum about at least part of the story- you need to convince her that your father is hiding assets and that she absolutely must not agree to a financial settlement without going through a very astute lawyer.

Afraid to say that there's every chance you're already losing your dad- once he's enmeshed in OW's family , you might not see him for dust.

Get that pension. Get that pension.

I don't think your mum should sign off her rights to around half his pension.

I'm not sure his personal life is your mum's business now that they have split up. However, I think it is worth delving further into his finances to find out exactly what your parents joint assets were at the point of splitting up. It's also possible he may have to pay her some maintenance but am not completely sure about that.

Check in all the drawers etc around your mum's house to see what paperwork there is such as bank statements. Check with Companies House to find out about his company's accounts, directors, shareholders.

I think your mum's solicitor would ensure your dad must disclose legally all his finances and business interests to ensure a fair financial settlement as part of the divorce.

Am sorry you are all going through this.

Tell your mum!

You might think it was really bad to go through your dads pockets but he has systematically siphoned money away from his wife and family, lied and deceived you all and is now trying to defraud your mother from money/assets that are rightfully hers in the divorce.

Now that is really bad.

Tell her, make sure she gets an excellent solicitor and support her in screwingevery penny she can from the lying bastard in getting what is rightfully hers

As a minimum your father should be giving her the two rental properties. Would he listen to you if you tell him he needs to do this? Ie without divulging to him you know his secret. I’d he doesn’t, I’d tell your mother. I’d be trying to get a maximum for your her. She should get the maximum she can. She deserves it. As a pp has said, whatever he keeps will likely go to this new woman and her family.

Yes, I agree. Go to your Dad first. Fess up to snooping, say you'd got suspicions, give him a chance to do the right thing. Set a deadline. If he doesn't do it, go to your mum. You Can't sit tight and do nothing.

I wouldn't think twice. Tell her. He is the CF here. He made her give up work and promised his pension. Now he is fucking off with another woman. Tell her.

Tell her. Your dad is an arse

How do you know that your dad hasn’t mortgaged to the hilt with the new house? Or that the new woman didn’t pay half/or more? Or that your Dad hadn’t been saving for years for an exit to the marriage with a difficult woman? Mumsnet advice women to do this all the time.

In your shoes I would speak to your Dad and ask him his plans without letting on that you know? Let him know that if he stiches your mum up it would have a terrible impact on the family relationship?

Is your mum happy with the offer? I would always say not to settle for first offer. In her shoes I would ask for some spousal maintenance in payment for him taking out of the joint account.

A shit hot lawyer would cost a lot and there might be little more to gain?

If he conceals assets and income from the court, she can, later on, bring him to court to challenge the original settlement. Try and spare them both extortionate legal fees as your mum will need that money.