Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

@mousylousy Did you spot how old her kids were? Could any be his?

Please protect your mum.

Your mother must get legal advice - that's just essential. Your father has to pay her fees. This really is ESSENTIAL

Her lawyer will assess his assets.

I don't think that you can keep quiet about this. Speaking to your Father first would be tough but might help your mother ? He does not need to know how you found out -people are usually pretty quick to tell on cheating spouses so maybe you could suggest that someone had told you ....or you could just write to him and tell him that you had become aware of this situation and you wanted to give him the chance to tell your mother himself. Give him a deadline.

You could always speak to your Mother's lawyer about it.

I think we all feel for you - it's a very difficult situation. I wish you and your mother all the best

How do you know that your dad hasn’t mortgaged to the hilt with the new house?

As they are still married DM may have some liability here as well - she needs to know

Or that the new woman didn’t pay half/or more?

She may have - depends on the deeds

Or that your Dad hadn’t been saving for years for an exit to the marriage with a difficult woman?

So what? His wife is still entitled to half the marriage assets - he doesn't get to chose.

She's lost a career raising his four children.

It's been 3 months and he's bought a house worth half a millions pounds? It's been longer than that!

My first thought was that you should tell your mum.Now reading these posts I think you shouldn't unless it looks like she's going to accept this deal. Then spill the beans. (She's going to find out anyway) Having just retired I can tell you she'll need a good pension to be able to live comfortably. She'll end up having to sell her home in order to have any kind of life so she should DEFINITELY go for 50% of the pension. What a crying shame that after all these years putting other people first she has to take a minimum wage job to just get by and all because your DF fancies a younger model. Also, is there a way she can freeze the joint account so he doesn't funnel anymore money out? Obviously she needs a great lawyer, good luck OP

Do NOT talk to the dad about this! He’s already shown he deceived his ex. Give him a heads up and he’ll squirrel it all away and your DM will be fucked in her later years

You need to focus on your DM getting a share of the pension as well as the assets. She needs good legal advice.

More evidence first. Then tell your Mum. I think the extent of his deceit deserves further scrutiny. Really good luck, sounds like a very difficult situation but you should be in no doubt that it's your father who has made it so!

I haven't read the full thread as was so keen to post - please tell your mum & also get her to get good legal advice & make sure she gets her fair share of his pension. Almost the exact same thing happened to my mum after 30 years of marriage & she just wanted a clean break so accepted a pitiful amount (having given up work to raise us etc) & now she really is up shit creek & cant afford to retire. I've accepted that I'll have to pay to look after her & im fine with that but she's gutted she'll end up being a burden & it's having a massive impact on her mental health. She's always been so strong & I can imagine that she'll commit suicide at some point to avoid becoming burdensome. It's a nightmare & all because my dad was a selfish bastard who ultimately shagged someone a couple of years older than me & totally screwed my mum for every penny.

She needs to be savvy now & think of her future. Good luck Op as I can fully empathise being the adult child in this situation- it's horrible.

If you don’t tell her, and I the future, you see your Mum struggling and see your dad and his OW and her kids living the high life how will you feel then.

I would definetly tell your mum and get her to see a solicitor straight away.

She def needs to get a share of his pension -my mum recently walked away with more in pension benefits than in money value.

Wow so many posts while I was coming home from work. DD in bed now so I have more time to post. Sorry if I ignore any questions or anything

DM is late 40s so not too late to start a new job etc but missed out on a lot of pension years.

Wondering about the idea of printing out the proof I have - the receipts with both their names and the same address on are pretty damning, plus lots more.

I'm scared to write this because I feel like people will pull me up for being 'racist' or something. My dad's new girlfriend/fiancee/whatever she is is black. She has, from my Facebook snooping, 4 children. 2 who are sort of pre-teen age who are black, then another 2 who are maybe 2 and 4 years old who have much lighter skin. My dad is white so it did occur to me and my sister that the two younger ones could be his as it certainly seems like they must have a different sad as they also have very different features...

This whole situation is bloody horrible. We just buried my grandad last week who we all loved and I have to deal with this shit. I literally just started a new job on Monday too and I feel like I'm stressed up to my eyeballs.

Thank you for all the kindness

What does your sister want to do?

Sorry for typos in last post but you get my gist.

I was wondering about printing up all the proof I have and putting it in a brown envelope and just posting it to my mum's house.

OR just realised this is a bit of a drip feed, the OW works for the same company as me so I could say I somehow found out this stuff through work?

OR say I hired a P.I (really can't afford to at the moment) and just hand the 'proof' over to my mum?

@tellybear my sister is only 18 and feels uncomfortable about telling my mum and confronting my dad and thinks we should stay out of it. She's scared one or both of them will hate her. Also DF pays her uni fees (she gets the min loan due to his job and it doesn't even cover her accommodation so he sends her £50 a week to live on plus accommodation paid for) she's scared he'd refuse to pay any more if she 'outed' him and she'd have to drop out.

You must tell your mum

She must get legal advice

Don’t let her make the mistake of accepting not enough on the basis of ‘it’s a lot and he’s offered it’. Many women are fleeced this way.

Legal advice is a must but I would expect half his pension or equivalent (eg rental assets so the rental income would provide with basic income and a pension income).

Please ignore the poster who said the house is alot for up north. That’s irrelevant.

Wow what a coincidence she works for same company as you.

Tell your mother. Definitely.

No, it wasn't ideal that you found all this out by snooping: but if your father had been honest and open about everything you wouldn't have had to go snooping. He's the one at fault here, not you.

I'm so sorry that you're in the middle of such unpleasantness. I hope it all gets sorted out as soon as possible, and as amicably as possible.

I think you need to say to your mum you don’t believe the settlement is fair and push hard for her to get some good solid legal advice. If she isn’t keen I’d show her the proof. She’s given up a career and a job to facilitate your father. She should get a fair amount.

If your Mum finds out you both knew and didn't tell her.. she'll never forgive you...

I’ve been in a similar situation and I told my mum. In my circumstances it was and still is the correct course of action. My dad and I are the same we ever were.

I think ultimately you have to tell her. The truth is going to come out and you can't stand by and let her lose out financially when you know all this.

But I think you need a plan to help her going forward maybe? Some solicitor appointments for advice maybe?

Feel so sorry for you OP, what a totally shit situation.

Actually, you could find a (recommended) solicitor for a free consultation and explain to them what you know and see what their advice is given the facts you have so far?

@HeedMove my dad's the director and that's how I got the interview and subsequently the job. I work in a different department completely. Didn't realise she worked here until I started.

So outing if anyone who knows me reads this lol

.... don't confront your dad or let him know you know - he could hide more financial details and move money. Although it does sound like he has always planned this very well.

What a bastard. What a way to treat his wife and mother of his children who has supported him through this career by raising his children.