Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

PS if your Dad does fall out with you over this, then it isn't your fault - it's his.

Your father isn't just lying to your mother, he's lying to you.

However wrong the snooping was, what he is doing is way worse. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I fail to see how you could have protected your mother (and ensured fairness) any other way.

I would tell both of them. Tell your father you know, that you think his behaviour is disgraceful and that you won't stand by and watch your mother be shafted. Tell your mother separately and very gently. The objection that you should have said straight away is a stupid one. Simply answer it by saying "This is a huge shock for me too - I had to get my head around it first so I could support you".

Also, get your Mum a VERY good lawyer.

I'm not sure about telling her but like the idea of going through the accounts with her. Or planting the seed of doubt around what else he may have done if he's stashed £15k away secretly over a few months. Or calling your dad out and making him come clean or you will.

She would be an absolute fool to let him keep 100% of the pension btw!!!! She needs a shit hot divorce lawyer. Don't let her agree to his proposal.

Your loyalties have to lie solely with your DM. Tell her and make sure she gets her fair share of everything, especially the pension as she wasn’t paying into hers at his request. Why should she struggle at this age while he and OW have a wealthy new life?

Op I'm so sorry that you are in this position.

I haven't read all of the comments so maybe someone has said this but I would suggest you lurk on the relationships board and read from women in your mum's position.

Many husbands just leave 'out of the blue' saying they're not happy, they've fallen out of love, haven't been happy for a long time in short they rewrite history to paint themselves as the long suffering unhappy husband - who didn't complain at the time or try to put things right.

There's actually a 'script' of what these partners say, the order they say it and how they try to justify their appalling actions.

When the wives eventually find out there is an affair there often seems to be relief. Obviously it's devastating news but there's relief that their intuition was correct.Often they knew something was wrong or had suspicions but the husband gaslighted them - made them feel they were imagining things / going mad even. It also allows them to completely get over any feelings that they might get back with their husband and move forward with their lives.

Your mum already has her suspicions and you admit he's been behaving weirdly. So it might be better for her mental health in the long run to have the truth confirmed.

I would tell my mum in a similar situation and I’m not sure I’d want to speak to my dad again if he behaved this way so there would be no loss from that point of view.
Your dad is totally shafting your mum, his pension is a major asset and one your mum doesn’t have as a result of raising his children. Your mum will have to sell the house because the £80k he is offering won’t go far in paying bills etc.
Bear in mind your dad has been lying to everyone for the duration of the separation, if living with your mum was so awful he should have had the courage to leave before setting up home with another women.
Really feel for you, it’s a horrible situation. But hardly surprising there’s a third party as there invariably is.

Thanks to everyone for the advice and kindness.

Still not sure on telling my mum about the affair myself as I don't know all the details 100%, just have proof he's spending a hell of a lot on his new family. I'm talking to a solicitor today and going to discuss 'hypothetically' if the other party had had a long standing other relationship, what would happen for my mum. Its just so hard because I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily but I definitely think she has her suspicions, she's not daft. My dad going for a quickie divorce after nearly 30 years together and 25 married seems a bit weird to all of us.

But I'm definitely making sure she gets full financial checks etc done.

My parents divorced before pension splitting was the thing. My Mum worked, but only had a small Civil Service pension and her state pension. She bitterly resents the fact that the OW is now sitting pretty on an HM Forces widows pension of 50% of my Dad's pension, and Mum, who was married to him for over 25 years, did the moves, supported his career, and had his kids, has an income of

That should say unmortgaged for one of the rental properties!!

You need to tell your mum. It doesn't matter if she's upset initially that you waited a while...she'll appreciate the fact that you did eventually tell her. She deserves a much better deal than the one currently being offered.

You need to let your mum know that your dad is a lying bag of shit.

But then you should stake a step back from all of this. My Dad left my DM when I was a similar age to you and I ended having to deal with way too much of my mum's divorce stuff and she became suffocatlingly dependent on me. Our relationship now is awful because I have been trying to reestablish some boundaries, but she just doesn't understand why I need to do this.
If you get too involved, it will be very bad for your own health and well being.
They are adults, let them deal with it. Do not get in the middle.

I have 3 friends who have in recent years all divorced. Only one got a decent divorce settlement. She worked & used her own money for her solicitor. The other two were SAHM who couldn't afford decent legal representation without accessing joint funds & as a consequence accepted the offers they were given. Both ex husbands 'hid' or didn't declare money & in both cases, the wives are now struggling, with the exes living the life of Riley.
I would tell your mum (& dad) you've heard rumours. Easily done if you work in the same place. Forewarned is forearmed and all that...

Had similar with my parents after 40 years. She needs good legal advice, possibly a barrister. My Mum ended up with about 2/3 of all the assets, so more than half. He is trying to fleece her it looks like.

It doesn't really matter whether you know the 'full facts' of his affair or not -- you have seen proof of very large expenditure that he has hidden from your DM - before any divorce - and she has a right to know about that, both to see the full picture and also to be able to negotiate a fair divorce settlement, with the aid of a good lawyer.
What happens if you don't tell her? The details of his affair will inevitably come out, very probably sooner rather than later and you will always have to keep secret the fact that you had known about it. And if at anytime in the future it slips out that you did know, it would do far more damage to your relationship with her than telling her now. And as you say, she may well already have suspicions about it.

No, your mum isn’t daft but at the moment she’s probably still sympathetic to your dad and trying to be amicable.
It might sharpen her focus we’re she to know just how duplicitous he’s been and she’ll realise a reconciliation will never happen and he’s fucked off to play happy families with someone else.
You may want to think about the impact this new partner and her 4 children your dad has taken on will have on you and your siblings as well.....

She probably thinks they might still get back together
What she doesn't realise is that as soon as he decided he wanted to leave he saw her as an adversary

You are going to be carrying a lot of guilt if you are not honest with your mum. Yes she will be upset but then she will know (and what woman doesn’t secretly know) you have to tell her, she has given up everything for your ratbag father and now he is screwing her over quietly.
He is not trying to preserve hers or your feelings - he is trying to hold onto as much money as humanly for his new woman!
Your mother could agree to keep her sources to herself if you still value a relationship with him, you must have a pretty low opinion of him now though.

Absolutely NOT to the pension. No way.

I would def try to gather all information about the other woman have enough evidence and tell your mum as she sacriffy her job to raise you she deserves to have enough to live on and no worries financially . She will be devastated but try to support, talk and give her a lot of love she will go let it go .good luck

Oh also and sorry to be a cynic but as soon as your parents are divorced, he'll marry other woman and in a couple of years she'll take him to the cleaners #karma

What a fool he is

The new woman will fleece him, what a tit

Tell your mum. She's going to find out in time anyway, but at least finding out now will give her the chance to divide finances properly, and you telling her will enable you to give her support. It'd be awful for her if she found out off just through local gossip, or found out that you knew all along and didn't tell her.

Your dad isn't playing fair. Why should your mum suffer because of that?

There is no way you cannot tell your mum. Just No Way. If he was going back to her and all over with OW, it may be different, but he’s really done the dirty, and is now being fraudulent over divorce proceedings if he’s not disclosing all his assets. Your mum WILL find out, and just imagine if she knew you’d kept it from her. My first impulse was to say to tell your dad you knew, and then tell your mum. But don’t do this as it could give him warning to hide even more stuff from her, or squirrel await assets. Id tell her, get her to get a Really Good Solicitor.
I appreciate it’s hard, and horrid and looks like you’re siding against him. But he’s deceived you all - and been absolutely unforgivable to your mum, however “hard” she is to live with.