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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my mum?

331 replies

MousyLousy · 26/04/2018 15:59

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

  • receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
  • an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
  • a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
  • John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

  1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
  2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling. Sad

OP posts:
bumbleboots · 26/04/2018 23:50

She needs to take half the pension, it's probably worth more that the rest put together if that is what he earns.

Tell your mum she deserves to know the truth.

I hope it goes well and she doesn't shoot the messenger

Pumpkintopf · 27/04/2018 00:14

Well done op for setting up the appointment for your mum and going with her. Hope it goes well.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 27/04/2018 00:15

Also get your mum to move half of the money from joint accounts into a private one of her own as he may empty them when her realises that she has not agreed to his terms and has a lawyer.

CoolCarrie · 27/04/2018 00:20

Tell your mum, she has a right to know about all of this.

emmyrose2000 · 27/04/2018 01:47

Your mother is going to find out at some point anyway. Far better that she finds out now, so that she can (hopefully) get every single last penny out of him that she can before everything is finalised.

Northernparent68 · 27/04/2018 02:13

You are too involved, snooping and “telling” your mum, keep your beak out

offupop · 27/04/2018 02:22

I'd want to manage this so my mum wasn't unnessecarily upset.

Pension is massively important.

Sounds like he has finances hidden.

I'd confront him, if he's not going to play fair, I'd hire forensic divorce accountants.

Twofigsnotgiven · 27/04/2018 06:08

Tell her. She will find out at some point - about the other woman, and the money. Not only is he cheating on her, he is cheating her out of her fair share of his assets.
She will be devastated either way. More so, if she ever discovers you and your siblings knew. These things have a horrible way of coming out.
If your dad chooses to never speak to you again, that would be sad, but he is deceiving your mum - and you.
Your poor mum :-(

Twofigsnotgiven · 27/04/2018 06:14

PS Your mum should absolutely not agree to give up her right in his pension - the pot is likely to be huge. She will be entitled either to a sizeable lump sum from the pension pot (in addition to the other assets) or regular payments from it.
You need to take her to a solicitor, and quick. If you can’t bring yourself to tell your mum the whole story, tell the solicitor that you are worried he’s trying to pull a fast one over your mum. That you think he might have other assets. Presumably the new house is in his name, in which case a quick search of the land registry will tell the solicitor that.

mydietstartsmonday · 27/04/2018 07:08

His pension potentially be around the £1M mark or even more. So not to be sniffed at.

mydietstartsmonday · 27/04/2018 07:11

Also you have got the advice, I think this should be taken down now.
Good luck but protect your mum. Your dad still has earning power your mum does not have it to the same extent.

lill72 · 27/04/2018 08:01

My mum hid money from my dad and then left him. Horrible. I was not in your situation of knowing things you did not (well maybe one thing) but I was totally on my dads side and would have felt compelled to tell him. Your mum seems young if similar age to your dad so has many years to live and support herself. She will be devastated but this is for the greater good in the long run. This will hang over you if you dont tell her

lill72 · 27/04/2018 08:09

Please keep us updated on how you go. I know how painful it is. I ave never seen in my dad in such pain. But he is great now.

Iluvthe80s · 27/04/2018 08:19

She must not give up her entitlement to his pension. She didn't work to raise the family -she is entitled to a proportion. Your dad is being sly reference this. Advise her not to sign anything until she has full disclosure on his income, savings and investments etc. She needs a very good divorce lawyer.

Iluvthe80s · 27/04/2018 08:22

Is there any way the joint account t can be frozen so he cannot take any more money ? Or could your mum tf to a sole account in her name for safe keeping while a settlement is negotiated ?

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/04/2018 08:33

Absolutely tell her! Or is seeing a solicitor to ask for advice on what to do about the situation (on your own) an option?

Dulra · 27/04/2018 08:36

Op I am offering this advice with a health warning because I have no experience of divorce or divorce courts so not sure how honest and open people should be in this situation. But would it be wise to speak with your Dad first? Tell him what you know and that you will be telling your mum but would prefer if he came clean with her first so it takes you out of having to take sides. Your role as a daughter I think is to support your mum through this but you also don't want to lose your relationship with your Dad (even though it has been severely damaged with his actions). I would also be advising your mum as you are to see a solicitor there is no way after a 25 year marriage that I would be accepting what your Dad thinks is a fair settlement for your mum she needs legal representation asap because you can bet he has got it. If he denies all or refuses to speak with your mum well then I think you are left with no choice but to. It will come out eventually and will be so much worse for your mum if she finds out you and your sister knew about it and said nothing.

LakieLady · 27/04/2018 08:42

But would it be wise to speak with your Dad first?

I'd be worried that would give him the opportunity to hide assets, tbh.

Claire90ftm · 27/04/2018 08:45

I don't think she needs to know. Doesn't sound as though either of your parents are strapped for cash. The divorce settlement sounds pretty fair to me and your mum is considering taking it. Telling her will just hurt her feelings. Your dad should be able to live the life he wants now.

Furano · 27/04/2018 08:49

He totaly has finances hidden.

The divorce is not fair - she need to be going after half the pension.

And she needs to know she is dealing with a lying shit bag.

Gemini69 · 27/04/2018 08:49

Your Mum is not fully aware of the financial implications of what she is signing away... this is completely unfair no matter how much money is involved ... I'm glad you've taken the route of advising her to seek legal advise and are going with her... Flowers

LakieLady · 27/04/2018 08:52

Fair, Claire, when it doesn't include a share of what is probably the biggest financial asset? And there could be another property involved that the OP's mum doesn't even know exists.

He's been so duplicitous, I wouldn't be surprised if there was money and/or property squirreled away all over the place, especially if the affair has been going on for a long time.

LakieLady · 27/04/2018 08:54

He totaly has finances hidden.

I reckon so. Even my ex tried that, and he was thick as mince. Being thick though, he didn't make a very good job of it!

Juells · 27/04/2018 08:57

I suspect that those who are advising "Don't tell her" have no experience of being in your mum's position. It is unbelievably awful to learn afterwards that your husband had a whole different life elsewhere.

Everything you thought you knew about yourself, your marriage, the father of your children... it all turns out to have been a lie and you were the gobshite sitting in the middle of it all, unaware.

However bad she feels if you tell her, she'll feel ten times worse if she finds out afterwards. She'll realise that you knew, kept the truth from her, and didn't give her a chance to protect herself financially. At the moment she thinks she's dealing with a person she knows, her husband of twenty-odd years. She isn't, she's dealing with someone who's trying to do her out of what she's entitled to. She needs to know that, in order to protect herself.

MumofBoysx2 · 27/04/2018 08:57

I think you have to consider the damage if you don't tell her and she finds out later. Keep the evidence you found. The divorce settlement has to be fair, and he is being very selfish.

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