Should I tell my mum?

[MousyLousy]

I have NC for this as it's very outing. Please be kind with me as my head is spinning.

I'm in my early 20s. My dad decided to up and leave my mum about 3 months ago now. They've been married 25 years and always seemed happy to us (adult) kids. He moved into a flat near my house, which is about half an hour from my mum's, and said it'd be nice because he could see me (and my DC) more.

He's been acting really shady the past few months and made weird excuses for things. My mum wondered if he left her for another woman.

Dad decided to take us on a coastal weekend away which was quite nice but felt a bit forced. He went out to watch football one night with my DP and my sister and I went snooping as we felt like we were being lied to. Yes, I know IABU to have done this, but it was very fruitful. Turns out he has a whole secret life. We found:

• receipts for a very posh restaurant for a meal and drinks for 2 people amounting to an eye-watering £425
• an annual joint gym membership for himself, his new woman and her four children
• a receipt for work done on a new 7 seater Audi Q7
• John Lewis order forms for furniture amounting to thousands being delivered to an address just down the road from his flat. Some of it under her name and some under his.

Since we found her name we did some googling. She's 30. He's almost 50. She's only a few years older than me. One of her kids only looks slightly older than mine.
We found this address where furniture has been delivered to. The house was purchased in September for half a million pounds - we're in the North so this is a lot of money. It's a huge house.

My dad swears there is no other woman and is blaming the divorce on my mum; says she was hard to live with and fell out of love with her. Thats certainly true, my mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship when I was younger. But she does love my dad to bits.

So here's the thing. He sent the divorce papers through on Wednesday. He is suggesting she keep their family home (worth approx. £400k) her car (£20k) and the money in their joint account (not sure, around £80k), if he can have both of their rental properties (worth probably £400k joint), his car (£50k) and his pension (£???). My mum is thinking of agreeing to this.

My issue is:-

1. I think he has money stashed away. He's a managing director and earns £130k a year. He's obviously put a lot of money into this new house with his new woman, and bought a new car outright and furniture and god knows what else. Mum found he's funnelled over £15k in small increments out of the joint account throughout Jan and Feb without her even noticing.
2. my mum gave up her job when we were little at his request so she could be a SAHM to us kids. She never went back to work and instead does lots of volunteering projects and bakes from home which is pretty much non-profit, maybe £1k a year. Because of this she has little-to-no personal savings, just the money in their joint account. She also has no recent work experience and no pension except a tiny one from when she used to work before having us. She's found herself a job but it's only just over min wage due to her lack of experience and 'modern' skills with computers etc. My dad always said his pension would have them sorted for retirement but now he's planning to keep it himself.

What do I do? Tell my mum about the affair so she can counter his divorce and get a better, fairer settlement? Pretend I don't know and keep out of it due to the risk of falling out with my dad?

Sorry for the rambling.

Just tell her.

It's 100% the right thing to do.

They both grew up poor and worked hard to get where they are and my mum actually bought their first house as my dad had no money when he was 20, and only later sacrificed her career to bring us kids up.

See what the solicitor thinks, but I would think this means she's due 50% of everything he's amassed during their marriage and maintenue as well. Relationships end, affairs happen, but screwing someone over financially is not cool.

100% tell your mum!! I can't believe you wouldn't? She's enabled his career and he's not playing fair at all

Please tell your mum op, it's awful that your dad is trying to do this to her. Well done for doing this, it must be really hard emotionally but you're definitely doing the right thing

Well done @MousyLousy

None of you can be part of his lies anymore.

Don't waste time worrying about snooping, you shouldn't have had to. All the guilt is on him.

It does sound from your sisters 18 year of age etc that he was planning this for a while. He will almost certainly have shifted assets etc, especially if he is going to these extremes of moving into the flat etc.

How long as she been working for him? Do you know?

I really hope the kids aren't his, such an awful lot of deception but sadly it sounds a real possibility.

Take photos of all the receipts and other evidence you find, just in case he destroys them. Although it will really hurt your mum, you need to tell her. She should get everything she is entitled to. Idk if this will happen but if your dad keeps most of the investments, property etc then he might end up giving it to his new woman and her sprogs. That's yours and your sister's inheritance.

I'm not being a twat at all. I think your Dad has been awful to your Mum but the anger caused by that and desire for him not to have lots of money to spend on a new partner shouldn't influence anything.

And it sounds like your Mum (and Dad) has had a really nice lifestyle and yes, she loves your Dad but you admit yourself she isn't easy to live with and you see where your Dad is coming from in that regard (not that that is any excuse for cheating). If all of you DC are adults (as you say) Mum could have picked up her career years ago if she really wanted to, it's not like she's still at home with young kids. If she didn't want to go back to work, that's fine but not entirely convincing to talk of the 'sacrifice' of her career. And I'm not being sarcastic when I say I would fucking love that opportunity.

No amount of money will make up for her loss but half a million pounds isn't like she'd be left destitute.

Especially in the north. My Dad lives in a four bedroom renovated cottage in a picturesque village in Yorkshire which he bought outright for under 200k five years ago.

I think your Mum should get some of your Dads pension but that in addition to 500k (which you say is about half their assests) seems fair to me.

Play your father at his own game... tell your mother without your sister knowing she doesn’t need to get involved in all this.
You’ll have to tell your mum the truth, explain your sisters concerns and explain yours for not telling her she will understand once she’s had time to think over things.
Tell your mum that she isn’t to let on that she knows about his girlfriend and that she is to play clever and use it to her advantage.
She has to get herself a very good solicitor and divorce him whist getting a half share of everything including his pension. She can take him for every penny that she is rightfully entitled too.
If she wants to get her own back on your father and his infidelity then this is by far the best way she can whilst also being able to hold her head up high and be proud.
Big hugs to you, you sound amazing but your mum needs to know EVERYTHING!
😘

His pension will come with a huge lump sum due to being such a high earner prob half a million plus. Please don’t let her agree to anything without seeking legal advice. X

Your mum needs to go for 50%, tell her everything

I’m glad you have made the decision to tell your mum.
If you were in the same situation you would want to be told
Your dad is a fly bastard. He should do the decent thing and be honest with your mum .

Tell your dad you would not be able to respect him in the future if he does not leave your mum with the security she deserves or if there are any surprises!

I think you will have to tell your mum - finances aside, she will be upset to learn he has set up a new home and family. I think if you don't give her all the information she needs to defend her interests you will live with the regret in the future.

I think you are in a no win situation really. Tell them you love them both and that they need to play fairly so you can all move on and keep good relationships.

Good luck

Can you see if the bank account he's used to pay for these things is a different one that he's used with your mother? Because that will be evidence that he's stashed money.

Assuming the assets you mentioned in your first post are the only ones, I believe your dad's offer of how to split them is very unlikely to be fair to your mum.

Your dad has split the assets as follows:-

Your mum gets £500k
Your dad gets £450k plus pension

If pension value was only £50k then this could be considered fair as both your mum and dad would get £500k each.

However the pension is unlikely to have a value of only £50k so your dad is really offering less to your mum.

If the pension was worth £500k, then your mum should get an extra £225k on top of the £500k.

If your dad is making out the assets are less than what they really are, then your mum is being diddled out of even more.

It may cost for a lawyer but in the long term financially I think it would benefit your mum in this case

£425 dinner for two people?! where on Earth is this??

well done OP... your Mum will need your support

Sorry but your dad is a shit bag tell your mum

GorgonLondon The Fat Duck? Belmond Le Manoir aux Quat'Saisons?

Kerry- go away. Jealousy isn’t nice.and your dads house can’t be in a ‘ good village at under £200k, 4 bed renovated. It’s not always cheap oop north you know. Two bed renovated tiny place near me has just sold for £275k.

MousyLousy
I agree with most posters and you must tell your mum. HOW you tell her is up to you as you know her best. So if you tell her that someone at work mentioned something to you or you snooped etc, it’s up to you.
But by God she needs to know.
My opinion? I think your father has been having an affair with this woman for several years and the two younger kids are his. He has got his youngest child by your mum to 18 and now feels his parental duties to wife number 1 are done. From now on everything he has will go to this woman and her / their kids.
Your dad will potentially work for a 10 years.....that’s £1.3million. His pension pot is probably worth a couple of million. He has maybe bought another house so been squirrelling money away for years, thus depriving your mum/joint savings.
I would advise NOT TO TELL YOUR DAD. But I WOULD tell my mums solicitor and get him to find one of these forensic accountants who find every bloody penny. THEN , at court let your mum hit your Dad with this. You and your sister obviously want to maintain your relationship with your dad and so this is the point where you plead ignorance. Don’t worry about lying to your dad, he has been lying to all of you for YEARS and you are doing this to try and maintain a relationship with him. So I think it’s more than justified.
If I was your mum I would be going for a 50/50 split PLUS some maintenance (to maintain her lifestyle as although she has shown she is willing to work she will not earn enough to keep her in the manner she is accustomed) PLUS 50% of his pension. It’s no less than she deserves. Site Ray Parlours wife who set a legal precedent by getting a percentage of his future earnings.
And, without sounding grasping ( and dont anybody flame me for it because I don’t give a flying fuck) whatever your mum gets is what your inheritance will be based on because - trust me and think about this- you dad won’t be leaving kids from marriage number one anything. I have seen this so often. If you are the children of comfortable/wealthy parents then you are often brought up with the probability of inheritance and this is sometimes discussed so it does make sense to mention it. Your mum won’t be having more kids, they rarely do and I have always thought it awful the way men can be so cruel when it comes to the financial settlement even though it’s their kids who will end up with it!
Mousy, I hope with all my heart that things work out ok. Trust your gut feeling and give your mum the strength and anger to get the financial protection she needs. She is going to find out the truth sooner or later and it’s much better to hear the news from someone who loves you rather than some inquisitive busy body on the street who relishes telling people bad news.( I now have “ Take that look off your face” from Tell Me on a Sunday playing in my head) Keep us informed!! And give your mum a big hug from me. I’m from the north too ( see username!) and we have to stick together.

yorkshireyummymummy

Yes this... defo

Good luck to you and your mum, it sounds like your dad has been playing a long and conniving game here.
Make him share nice, don't let your mum sign ANYTHING.
And please let us know how you go, I've never wanted a MN story to go well as much as i do this one.

@KerryMuckloweIsAStar "I think your Dad has been awful to your Mum but the anger caused by that and desire for him not to have lots of money to spend on a new partner shouldn't influence anything."

I don't think it is about him not having any money, it is about him stealing the OP's mum's money. She sacrificed her career so that he could have a good career and kids, and he doesn't get to walk off into the sunset with all the fat pension pot that she helped him to build up.

I’ve been married for 7 years, together 10.
When I went to see solicitor about getting a divorce, he told me I would get minimum 50% the house and we would go for the pension.
The longer you re married the more likely you can get more in a divorce. My solicitor also said periods living together pre marriage also contributed to length of time but that could be because my marriage isn’t overly long.
Anyway your dm is entitled to minimum 50% of all assets including stashed away ones.
It honestly sounds like your dad has already had legal advice (unfortunately having worked with solicitors many do get men having affairs come in for advice to make sure the stbxw gets less)
I wish you well but agree
DO NOT PREWARN YOUR DAD and definitely hold your Mums hand all the way to the shit hot lawyers you should go to tomorrow also try to get as much evidence as possible. What a painful situation for you.
FWIW my dad did the same except me and my sis were the younger ‘new family’ kids. His older kids are very nice to us now and we really appreciate that and honestly have little respect for our dad as well!

Definitely she should go for a percentage of his pension. At his salary it is probably worth more than the property.

Tell your mum, she needs to know. And make sure she insists on half the pension - that could be gold dust especially as she doesn't have an income stream.