Would I BU to say no?

[Shedmicehugh1]

I have older neighbours both sides. I help both out from time to time. One neighbour broke her wrist 8 weeks ago. I helped her out a bit more often. The ‘often’ has become very frequently, daily. When she first broke her wrist, I told her if I were cooking a family sized meal, shepherd pie or stew etc, I would take her some over. It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking. I did the usual ‘oh just let me know if you need anything’ ie shopping, housework etc and she certainly does, everyday there is something!

She is mid 60,s, has a very large family, who live close by. However, she very rarely sees any of them. Plaster is off now, but she still can’t do much.

I know she is not my responsibility, but I feel if I don’t help her no one will. How do I start saying no or is saying no really mean spirited?

Sounds like oyu are a lovely neighbour.

I think next time she asks for shopping say your aren't going for the next few days, but if she wants to wait you could pick it up then.
She comes and eats at your house every night!? Maybe this evening say, sorry the DCs/DP has a friend coming tomorrow so it's not convenient. Then the next night, you've something on so it won't be convenient etc IF you give warning, then she has a chance to adjust and make sure she has food for herself etc. Sounds like she's lonely too.

It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking

Don't answer the door!

I work with the elderly and they're so lonely!
Just because someone has a large family doesn't mean that the family bother with them. It's a shame. I think it's lovely that you're so kind to her!

Could you say that you're going out for an evening?
Or when you do some shopping for her buy her some simple meals that she just has to pop in the oven so she can do them herself?
You need to nip it in the bud if you want it to stop or it'll continue long after her arm is better!

Shopping, I tell her when I’m going and she comes with me, which I don’t mind, no inconvenience. But that’s how the coming to dinner every night started!!

She insisted on buying dinner for one night, as I’d been feeding her!

She is lonely, before the break, I would invite her over every now and then for dinner. Help her out with bits and pieces etc.

I’m sure she would do the same for me, however I would not have to ask, as I have family.

It’s now progressed to her living in my pocket.

Make the change over a week or two back to the old status quo.

When you next go shopping with her make some suggestions for meals she can cook ‘because the next few weeks are getting really busy for us so we won’t be able to have you over so much.’

Suggest at the beginning of the week that she comes in on, say, Tuesday and Saturday for a meal as ‘I’m pretty sure I’m going to be around then.’

Give her the help she really needs with housework etc ( you are a saint!) but not stuff she can now manage.

Suggest some ways of getting out and meeting other people and getting involved in other activities. Loneliness is a bugger but mid sixties is not old at all and unless she has really poor health, this should be a great time of life.

If she won’t take the hint or becomes difficult you will simply have to explain that you were pleased to help whilst she was injured but you have lots of other things you need to be catching up with now and has she been in touch with her family lately?

I don't think mid-60s is that old really. My mum had a cast on her arm in her 80s and still insisted on looking after herself. It really does sound like she's lonely. I think you're going to have to find ways to extricate yourself from the situation. Maybe you could get her to join some clubs? U3A? WI? Start being less available too. Ease out the same way you eased in. I know it's difficult but it can definitely be done. Could she get a cat or a little dog? They're lovely companions. Dogs can really help you meet people too. Just some thoughts. Good luck with it!

I’ve suggested ready meals, apparently she cannot eat them due to her IBS! I do think she is milking it!

She has a hobby once a week, that’s the only day she eats out and doesn’t come over.

She knows when I’m around, as my car is out the front! She phones me everyday to see what I’m doing! If she asks for something and I say sorry, im busy, she will say oh that’s ok it can wait until tomorrow!!

The dinner should be easier. Last night she didn’t come over, so I’ve saved her some of last nights. I can just run it over!

She doesn’t want pets.

I think I’m feeling a bit mean, as I could make time to do whatever. I have disabled son too, which keeps me very busy. I just feel I never get a minute to myself. I’ve never been one for seeing friends or neighbours everyday, I enjoy my own company!

Mid 60's isn't even that old really. That's my mothers age and she's definitely not elderly

I’ve suggested ready meals, apparently she cannot eat them due to her IBS! I do think she is milking it!

Send her a link (or get a brochure if she doesn't go online) to wiltshire farm foods. They are decent meals that are pre-cooked so they can be heated like ready meals, but have much less crap in them.

We've hardly seen MIL for dinner since she found them. Now if we invite her we get told she's looking forward to the lamb shank or whatever thing she's planned!

If she asks for something and I say sorry, im busy, she will say oh that’s ok it can wait until tomorrow!!

That's OK, let her say this. You don't need to get into the detail so much. Maybe something spontaneous will come up tomorrow.

You don't need to feel guilty. You need time for yourself, for your own well-being. You won't be much use to other people of you're overstressed yourself.

Agree mid-60s by itself isn't a cause for need - many mid-60s are still caring for ageing parents.

OP, I felt suffocated just reading that.

My disabled 67 yo mum is a lot more independent than this woman!

I think you need to tell her something like 'Mary, I was happy to help you whilst your broken wrist healed, but now that you are better, I need to concentrate on my disabled son. I hope that you are able to contact your family about any help you needed. I am still available in an emergency, if your family aren't available, but I can no longer maintain the daily assistance and meals I have been providing.'

I agree her age isn’t a problem, she is capable and very active, she isn’t ‘elderly’. Just limited use of the hand she uses for most things and loneliness, she lives on her own.

I don’t think I have the heart to send links to Wiltshire Food. I think she would see this as I don’t want her here or don’t want to help her at all! Mind you, she would probably say something like it’s too expensive!

I wouldn’t mind as much if there was an end in sight. But she hasn’t improved any and still cannot use her hand. I’m doing everything for her that you need both hands for. It’s been over 8 weeks, plaster came off about 3 weeks ago.

Thanks everyone for suggestions. I think I will just have to start by taking meals over to her and putting my foot down a bit. Stop buying food for her ie only take over meals when it’s something there is plenty of, not getting extra.

Can you ask about her family and see if you can be in touch with them?

You have to be cruel to be kind to yourself. I have elderly neighbours but I’m conscious to be polite but to not offer to help as such, sounds harsh but I’ve seen how these things escalate. Ones asked my husband to help with finding someone to cut back her tree, like life isn’t busy enough to ring round for quotes for someone else. I’ll take a parcel in and say hi, end of

She is in touch with all of her family, by phone! Just none of them will help her! Too busy with their own life! Make excuses. She has lots of siblings, children, grandchildren. All live locally and drive!

She sees one of her sisters once a week, for their hobby.

I could say not my responsibility, get your kids to help you. But they won’t.

She would probably say something like it’s too expensive

That's actually a very good point. Has she been at least offering you any money towards all that food? Apart from when she bought you all dinner once...It does sound as though she knows what she's doing and she's taking advantage somewhat.

You need to put your foot down a bit more firmly now she's starting to get better. You've been so lovely to help her so much, but you have your own family you should prioritise now. Time to not always answer the door/phone to her as well. So what if she can see you're in? I don't always answer the door to my neighbours, even if they can see I'm at home. Sometimes it's just not convenient. Start becoming less nice, OP.

I think that is what is bothering me. I would help anyone, but I don’t want it turning in a long term commitment.

She is not regaining any use of her hand, it could take many more months, years or not at all.

Maybe I need a cut off point? I’m wondering if social services would help?

OP, how do you know they won't help her? Has she told you this?

She's probably told them she has a lovely neighbour happy to do everything for her and they have thought 'great! No need to worry about Mum!'.

You need to put the onus on them to help by withdrawing your help.

And don't start dropping meals off! Just have the conversation with her, or write her a letter!

Just none of them will help her! Too busy with their own life! Make excuses. She has lots of siblings, children, grandchildren. All live locally and drive!

Have you considered that she has form for doing what she has done to you, and the family prefer to keep her literally at a distance? It should not be your problem to get her help, i think you would be wise to start stepping back now. How about asking her to come in for supper on a particular day, a few days ahead. Incase she doesn't twig, say you will be very busy for the next few days, why note come again on .

Pasture - no she has not. She has paid for the price of a meal 3 times in total over 8 weeks ie put it onto her shopping.

I didn’t think of all the money I am saving her being a motivation actually!

She is a bit ‘tight’ come to think of it. One night over a weekend. I had got myself a bottle of prosecco and she had got a bottle of wine too. She took home what she had not drank!

Could you say to her that you're very concerned (for her) about her level of dependence on you, to the extent that you think you really must get social services involved, for her sake, if it doesn't start to improve? Lay it on thick enough and she might withdraw of her own accord.

Not much help, but I'm in a similar situation to you with my elderly neighbour. Not cooking food but help around his garden / DIY. So interested in peoples responses.
He gets worse as the weather gets warmer as it is mostly garden related projects, these projects aren't necessary for the garden or the house.
Problem is his not particularly a pleasant man, racist sexist etc. Every job takes longer than he should because he wont listen and he always knows better. I know his got a son but I don't think he has anything to do with him. He also moans alot about one of my other neighbours which at the time surprised me because when I first moved in I know this neighbour was helping him out a lot, so I can only assume he pushed his luck and the neighbour told him "No" so now his the devil in disguise.
I know a big part of it is his lonely, and if he was a bit less pushy and more pleasant I'd be more entitled to spend time with him.
Thankfully his recently started going to church so i'm hoping this will help fill his time.

I'd be very sceptical about her having not regained use of her hand and would strongly suspect that its an excuse to keep you helping her.

I'd be saying "Hi Mary, i've realised i've really let things slide in my own life as i've been putting so much time into helping you out, so i'm afraid that from now on whilst i'm happy to meet up once a week for a chat or help you in an emergency, from now on i will be focusing on my own family."