Would I BU to say no?

[Shedmicehugh1]

I have older neighbours both sides. I help both out from time to time. One neighbour broke her wrist 8 weeks ago. I helped her out a bit more often. The ‘often’ has become very frequently, daily. When she first broke her wrist, I told her if I were cooking a family sized meal, shepherd pie or stew etc, I would take her some over. It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking. I did the usual ‘oh just let me know if you need anything’ ie shopping, housework etc and she certainly does, everyday there is something!

She is mid 60,s, has a very large family, who live close by. However, she very rarely sees any of them. Plaster is off now, but she still can’t do much.

I know she is not my responsibility, but I feel if I don’t help her no one will. How do I start saying no or is saying no really mean spirited?

I think that's a very good outcome actually! Hopefully now she won't continue using you as her own personal cook/chauffeur/housemaid/hairdresser/slave.

She was extremely rude tonight. There's no way I'd have taken a meal to her after the way she left you hanging.

Please didn't do any more for her. She hasn't appreciated what you've done so far, and the longer it goes on, the more entitled she will feel to your time and resources.

She was apologetic and made excuses. When she phoned, I ignored, several times. I wish she had just left it there. Today I might not have been so annoyed! But she came over too. She got both barrels I didn’t shout or swear, well other than ‘piss’!

I did end up giving her a hug, when she started crying. Told her we had not fallen out, just that she is taking the piss and I’ve had enough of it. She apologised again and that’s how it was left.

Yes I think il move

Dh thinks it’s comical! How such a seemingly sweet, quite frail looking woman is such a master manipulator! He was making jokes about my cooking and calling me a big bully!

OMG OP well done! It's clear resentment at the pisstaking had been building up in you and you snapped!

So I hope this means everything stops now? Please say yes!

Good for you! But stand your ground and don’t give in. Reclaim your freedom! If she felt bad she would bring you a gift then go.... bet she won’t!

Mid 60’s is not elderly. If she is able mind and bodied I would definitely say sorry I can’t help you out today, have you called your son/daughter.

Yes I think this has set the tone for me saying no!

I think she has very thick skin, probably won’t stop her from asking. I will help her out, every now and then, but as favours should be, when it’s convenient for me and not if it’s a piss take.

You are a saint Shedmicehugh1

Ha! Thank you, hardly! I turned into the hulk last night! It’s my own fault for letting this go on for so long. Feel a bit that I snapped. I should have said something sooner!

She is quite vulnerable in some respects and calculating in others. Weeding out which is which has been difficult!

I feel sorry for both of you tbh. My DM is early 60’s and has just been widowed, she’s lonely and I can see the years stretching ahead for her. I can imagine her being in a similar situation although hopefully I’ll be a bit more helpful than your neighbours family.

You’ve been taken advantage of and I can see why you’re annoyed. Hopefully it’s all sorted now but you can use the angle that if she doesn’t start using her hand properly it won’t get better. An hour or 2 of physio won’t heal it, she needs to actually use it.

Don't feel bad OP, it all needed to be said. She should have recognised herself that she was taking the absolute piss and taken steps to avoid it. Instead she pushed it and royally took the piss last night, ditching you then phoning and coming round when your dc was probably trying to sleep.

The danger now is that you'll feel so guilty you'll let her chip away at your boundaries again - supermarkets will deliver, they often make food where it's pre-prepared and you just have to pour the sauce or something, and there are lots of companies who will do the lot for her. She has many options.

It’s difficult isn’t it Crumble, I don’t want to be uncaring, on the other hand (pardon the pun!) i don’t like piss takers either! I don’t mind helping, with the things she actually really cannot do. It’s snowballed.

Arch I think that needs to be the boundary. I will help if there are not any other options. She can cook oven chips, nothing stopping her from throwing a bit of meat into the oven too! It’s what most people do! Ready made salad, pasta etc, etc. Lots of options!

Hopefully sorted now. Im trying to look on the funny side, DH is ribbing me this morning about it all

Thanks all

I think there's a very good reason her family rarely or don't visit her. She's probably had years of practicing her manipulations on others/them and you're her new 'victim'.

Oh she phoned me this morning and would like to arrange a day to ‘treat’ me! A pamper day on her

Don't accept it! You'll only end up 'owing' her back for it. Just tell her you can't commit to anything at the moment.

If you take her up on the pamper day, she may feel you ‘owe’ her a few more dinners, rather than it paying for the ones she’s had.

I think I'd decline politely and say that it's fine, you don't need "paying back", but you do need to get back to your own responsibilities.

I’d accept it. Let her try and make amends.

I think I'd decline politely and say that it's fine, you don't need "paying back", but you do need to get back to your own responsibilities.
This ^^ Put a bit of distance between you so that she remembers that she overstepped the mark. You can still help her when you want, but you won't feel obliged to & she won't think that she can have what she wants from you as long as she treats you every so often (as I'm guessing you'd feel more treated if you had a bit more time to yourself at home).

Could you go and see how she manages cooking a meal? If she can’t prepare food could she get frozen veg etc? You can get most veg frozen now so no chopping. Can she open packets? Just wondered if she could get meals on wheels or whatever it’s called in your area.
If you could find another way for her to have meals and be more independent it would be good for her and you

If you accept it, it'll only perpetuate the cycle. As a PP said upthread, she's not your friend, she's a neighbour. You wouldn't typically go for a pamper day with a neighbour, so don't blue boundaries.

That’s the feeling i have, it’s not an apology or a I appreciate you ‘treat’. It’s more a ‘I want to try to ensure you carry on doing what you do’ treat! Or possibly even a she wants to have a manicure or whatever and it’s cheaper to ‘treat’ me than taxi fares or the inconvenience of a bus ride ‘treat’!

God, I hate even thinking like this! It’s bloody horrible being so negative about others intentions isn’t it?!

Decline and step away!

Oh she phoned me this morning and would like to arrange a day to ‘treat’ me! A pamper day on her shock

What did you say?

No doubt you would be doing all of the driving?!

I would say no, thank you, that I didn’t need a pamper session, I just need more time relaxing with my family. Take back the power.

It isn’t not for you to find solutions to her meal times. If she can cook oven chips, she will be fine.

You aren’t paying for her food shopping, are you?

Last week I mentioned I really needed to find the time to get my eyebrows done.

When she phoned she said she wanted a manicure/pedicure. Would I like to arrange a day to go and she would ‘treat’ me to my eyebrows (£3) for threading!

So 2 mins for eyebrows and I sit and wait for her! Taxi service!

I’m really entering into the spirit of negative thinking!! Maybe I should say I’d love to go, get a mani/pedi, eyebrows, facial, wax etc seen as treat is on her

Dodie she cannot chop food, veg for example or lift filled pots with her left hand, too awkward/heavy.

You can get prepared veg etc from supermarkets and I’m sure it would not have to be filled to the top or too heavy for one? Or alternatively fresh prepared veg/mash etc packets put in the microwave. I’m sure she could peel back the plastic covering, might be a bit awkward.

She can use an oven, take a tray in and out. That’s how most cook, everyday!

I doubt social services would be interested or responsible.

Not paying for her shopping. However she has been eating here, 6 nights a week. So yes essentially paying for her evening meal.

That’s how it started, if I cook stew, lasagne, spaghetti Bol kind of meals, there is always loads left, which I offered her. It’s snowballed into me now buying extra food, when there isn’t lots left over!