Would I BU to say no?

[Shedmicehugh1]

I have older neighbours both sides. I help both out from time to time. One neighbour broke her wrist 8 weeks ago. I helped her out a bit more often. The ‘often’ has become very frequently, daily. When she first broke her wrist, I told her if I were cooking a family sized meal, shepherd pie or stew etc, I would take her some over. It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking. I did the usual ‘oh just let me know if you need anything’ ie shopping, housework etc and she certainly does, everyday there is something!

She is mid 60,s, has a very large family, who live close by. However, she very rarely sees any of them. Plaster is off now, but she still can’t do much.

I know she is not my responsibility, but I feel if I don’t help her no one will. How do I start saying no or is saying no really mean spirited?

Text her back this:
"I'm sorry but I'm not sure you understand the situation. I will not be in a position to cook for you, bring you shopping or look after you for the foreseeable future. I would strongly urge you to contact one of your children who could visit and help you cook something more substantial than chips. Otherwise I'd suggest you contact this group www.contact-the-elderly.org.uk/ to see if they can help. I need to focus on my ill family and will not be available to you" and then ignore her.

Seriously @Shedmice you need to stop. Did you ever think that perhaps the reason her family don't visit is because they know that you're available and will sort things out for them??
Look after your own family first. Don't over extend yourself. Do contact a local charity to get them to drop in.
It really, really, isn't your job to be looking after her so much. Even though she did have a fall and hurt her wrist. She should be getting her family to help her out, or making alternative arrangements with a visiting healthcare worker who can put in place all of the necessary care arrangements.

Hang on a sec, is she left-handed? Just thinking about how I prepare vegetables. Almost all the work is done with my dominant hand. My left-hand only holds the vegetable while I peel or holds it to balance it when I cut it. Granted the knife needs to be a decent one, but she CAN cut vegetables if she is right-handed.

You can also buy ready chopped carrots and potatoes. You can buy the semi-prepared meals - beef wellingtons etc, chicken pieces already marinated, nice chunky soups, ravioli etc, etc. ALL the supermarkets have them.

I suggest when this week is over, you take her shopping again and lead her to the spots with semi-prepared foods. They are cheaper and nicer than ready meals.

And count them out to make sure she has enough for the week. "Oh, you've only covered 5 days of meals there. I won't be able to bring you back to the shops for at least a week, you need to make sure you have a full week of meals, so how about these 2 things to make it a week's worth?"

Nip this in the bud NOW OP - the text above by "whatchamacallit* is perfect.

When I had a broken wrist, I was given all manner of equipment so that I could continue with cooking etc. there are all sorts of cool gadgets to aid one handed cooks. I had my hair washed every second day at the hairdresser.

Is this the neighbour who, on a shopping trip, would insist on visiting 'all the shops to compare prices'?

@Shedmicehugh1 you sound like a lovely person, please remember to save your efforts for people who appreciate them. There is no need for you to tell this neighbour that you can no longer help, just be very busy, as you will be, with your own family for a while.

Perhaps once son is better, I can take her shopping for food she can cook and go and supervise her cooking a couple of times.

Even after acknowledging she is taking the piss-you still say this! Do you struggle to say no generally?

No I don’t struggle to say no generally!

Of course I could tell her immediately I won’t be helping you in anyway, shape or form! Ask your relatives who don’t come near or by you in over 10 years, because you are a manipulative, desperately lonely piss taker!

However, it’s not me! I have known this person a long time, faults an all. I need to resume balance, not destroy her!

I guess the problem is that one on hand you explode and say

Anyhow, she came over after and kept ringing on the bell and phoning. I eventually got up, told her what a piss taker she was etc, etc.

But then continue to want to take her shopping/supervises cooking etc. It maybe comes across as inconsistent.

It was a pisstake! I was in bed! I didn’t ‘explode’, I told her she was taking piss!

There is a difference between volunteering to take someone shopping at a time that is convenient to you, to support their independence. To someone keep phoning and ringing the door bell, when you are in bed!

One is a pisstake, the other a choice!

OP I think you've handled it very well

You are sending her mixed signals so she'll continue to try it on.