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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I BU to say no?

112 replies

Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 09:14

I have older neighbours both sides. I help both out from time to time. One neighbour broke her wrist 8 weeks ago. I helped her out a bit more often. The ‘often’ has become very frequently, daily. When she first broke her wrist, I told her if I were cooking a family sized meal, shepherd pie or stew etc, I would take her some over. It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking. I did the usual ‘oh just let me know if you need anything’ ie shopping, housework etc and she certainly does, everyday there is something!

She is mid 60,s, has a very large family, who live close by. However, she very rarely sees any of them. Plaster is off now, but she still can’t do much.

I know she is not my responsibility, but I feel if I don’t help her no one will. How do I start saying no or is saying no really mean spirited?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 12:58

Lacucuracha They never visited her before her break. She never sees her kids. Maybe once a year kinda thing.

Momanda it’s difficult, we have been neighbour friends for several years. She has helped me out a few times in the past too. I didn’t mind helping when she had her arm in plaster. It’s just the ongoing, indefinitely thing.

She is having physio, but still has very limited movement and use. I don’t think she is putting it on. However, I do think I need to make it clear that I don’t mind making a meal or helping every now and then, I won’t be becoming her carer. Maybe an honest chat is in order.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 26/04/2018 13:02

I would have an honest chat, and maybe arrange a day she can come over for dinner once a fortnight or month?

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 13:09

I’m going to take the dog for a walk now, drop off last nights dinner, with an extra portion for her freezer (otherwise the dog would have most of it). Tell her she can tomorrow for dinner and a glass of wine. Tell her I’m having a weekend to myself, to relax and she will have to sort her own dinner.

I am actually shattered, it’s been a tough week with my son related stuff. So I’m not lying!

Does that sound like a plan? More gradual than a formal chat.

OP posts:
user1484831238 · 26/04/2018 13:56

I would have a chat, and just phrase it as if you’re thinking of her being able to maintain her independence.
Let her know that when her arm is better, she’ll need to make sure she doesn’t lose the confidence to go shopping or out and about by herself.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/04/2018 14:00

If you feel you can't discuss this with the neighbour directly, why don't you nab one of her kids when they come to visit dear Mother and tell them that you're no longer able to offer them the comfort of being available to look after their mother as much. You might be able to offer her one meal a week and to be able to be a good look-out for her but that the day to day stuff, cooking meals, bringing her shopping is not your responsibility any more. Tell them that you're concerned that their mother doesn't appear to be making as much progress with the physio as you would have thought and perhaps contacting meals-on-wheels might be something they could look in to for their mother.
I'm after seeing your post at 13:09 so I'd say that would be a good start but ramp it up quite quickly and detach yourself from the situation as quickly as you can.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 14:56

She goes out and about by herself, on the bus etc. I take her food shopping when I go, as she needs help carrying it in. That’s not a big deal, it’s not inconvenient etc. Just more I’d rather go on my own! I’m not a very having a friend to do everything with kind of person!

It’s more the having her over here every night. Cooking, cleaning, personal care, odd jobs, appointments etc indefinitely.

I’m doing an awful lot, everyday! Which I didn’t mind for 5 weeks she was in plaster. I assumed she would be almost back to normal, however that’s not been the case.

Her family rarely visit, so having a word is unlikely and not likely to happen anytime soon.

I’m not even sure if I should be trying to make other arrangements for her or having words. I suppose, I just need to stop doing it and she will have to make other arrangements?

OP posts:
Davros · 26/04/2018 15:56

I think your suggestion if 13.09!is a start but still far too much

Lacucuracha · 26/04/2018 16:57

Cooking, cleaning, personal care, odd jobs, appointments etc indefinitely.

God, OP, you've become her carer! Just give her the number of a care agency and say you won't be able to help anymore. If you don't want to tell her, get your DH to do it.

Just more I’d rather go on my own!

Of course you would! It's annoyingly to have to factor a neighbour's needs in.

I just need to stop doing it and she will have to make other arrangements?

In a nutshell, yes! Please update us on how you get on.

SandAndSea · 26/04/2018 17:07

I think it might help to get some phrases up your sleeve, eg:

"God, I'm so tired! I was hoping you might like to cook ME something tonight!"

"I'm quite concerned that your hand doesn't seem to be healing after all this time. I was thinking perhaps we should get onto Social Services to see what help they can offer you."

"I really can't help tonight, I'm sorry, I've just got so much on at the moment".

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 18:11

Thanks everyone. I’ve tried to help her out, it’s backfired on me hasn’t it!

She doesn’t need a carer, she can get on a bus and go and get her hair and nails done!

Told her she will have to sort herself dinner for the weekend. She told me she is going to cook oven chips. If she can put chips in the oven, most meats etc can be oven cooked!

I’m not going to suggest social services or others helping. Just that she needs to start cooking for herself!

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 26/04/2018 18:27

Well done, OP! Now you need to stay strong and not fall for the inevitable guilt trip. If she's well enough to go get her nails done on public transport all by herself, methinks she's well enough to bung a ready meal in the oven.

You've been very kind so far, now is the time to keep reminding yourself that this is not in any way, shape or form your problem. This lady has family of her own, and anyway she seems capable enough when it suits. Do not make it your problem by going around suggesting SS involvement, supplying carers' numbers or bringing over her dinner too often.

QueenArseClangers · 26/04/2018 18:31

There was a poster on here a few months ago having similar issues with a neighbour. Her situation sounded a bit shitter than yours but it started with helping her (suffocating ungrateful)neighbour and ended up with the poor OP on the verge of a breakdown.

Don’t become her OP Flowers

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 20:20

Pasture I wash her hair and do her nails, as she cannot use her other hand. But I will be saying, no, seen as it’s an ongoing issue, she is going to have to go and get them done! She can get on a bus for other things. Or ask her sister to do it when she picks her up for their hobby! There are other options.

Queen just had a look at the link. That is my neighbour! We go to the supermarket, then it’s oh can we just walk down to x,y,x too! I’m on top of that one, I tell her to go for a walk, while I food shop!

I’m not even quite sure how this spiralled like this! I thought there would be an end, but it’s getting worse! Give an inch eh!

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 26/04/2018 22:01

Take heed from that link OP. You’re obviously a smashing person but you do need to prioritise yourself and your family.

TemptressofWaikiki · 26/04/2018 22:35

OP, this might sound uncaring but there might be a very good reason why her kids are seldom in touch. We see so many threads of the type of parents that cause their kids to distance themselves or NC or LC once they are adults. To outsiders, these people may seem charming and you feel sorry for them because the poor dear is lonely and her kids don’t care. Well, you are slowly getting an inkling as to why this woman might not have many or no friends and why her family is keeping away. She probably has a tendency for taking advantage and has royally taken the piss with you. I’d have her over at most once a week but probably less than that. She is a neighbour. And most definitely not your responsibility. She is far too young to be such a burden to others.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 27/04/2018 08:40

That’s true!

Thinking about it the motivation is probably money. When we go food shopping, she doesn’t buy much at all, as I’m buying it! But she will still want to go to several different supermarkets to see if the few bits she has are on ‘special’ or a few pence cheaper! I must be saving her a small fortune in food, electric, taxi fares, manicures etc etc! She isn’t ‘poor’ by any means.

Instead of appreciating what I do, she is getting worse. I have been saying no to further expectations. For example if she doesn’t like what we are having for dinner, she wants to bring her own food for me to cook! Hmm no!

Thank you everyone for helping me get things into perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 27/04/2018 23:40

I feel like a real arsehole! Neighbour was due tonight (pre planned) to celebrate something. I told her dinner at 6. 6.20 dinner is on the table, no sign. Phoned her, she said a friend had popped in and she would be over ‘later’!

Anyhow come after 7, I asked dh to take dinner to her. Dh and I then planned to watch a film.

I was upset, thinking what a piss take. Anyhow, she came over after and kept ringing on the bell and phoning. I eventually got up, told her what a piss taker she was etc, etc.

She ended up sobbing and I’m feeling like a arse

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 27/04/2018 23:53

Don't feel like an arse, when piss takers get upset it's generally because they have been rumbled and called out on it not because they are actually sorry. She needed telling. What did she say? Was she apologetic at all?

Maelstrop · 28/04/2018 00:36

Oops, not what you wanted as an outcome, but I think honestly, she has come to rely on you far too heavily. The positive is that she will stop taking the piss (unless you feel guilty and let her back in, in which case you may as well have MUG stamped across your forehead, don’t do it!)

Pretty awkward for a while, but seriously, something needed to happen and tonight she took the flipping piss. She needs to understand that she has taken the piss massively. No wonder you broke. Chin up, OP, you have been a lovely neighbour, she has not.

MrsCrabbyTree · 28/04/2018 01:16

Seems to me that your neighbour expected you to do everything she wanted/needed and had unwittingly crossed into the mindset that you were an employee that had to do as required, rather than a kind and helpful neighbour.

sockunicorn · 28/04/2018 02:16

i would just move op Grin

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/04/2018 02:24

Gosh OP, no wonder you snapped. Please don’t beat yourself up over it though, she really was super out of order. And don’t allow her to guilt trip you now. Instead, if she does try and take more liberties, reiterate that she has pushed you over the edge and is taking you utterly for granted, not to mention is financially exploiting you on top. She can use the oven and do her own food. She can use the bus and just has to pay for manicures etc. Most people do. Or if they cannot afford it, they don’t. It’s not a necessity but luxury.

PS: Buy her a jar for the crocodile tears... Grin

TemptressofWaikiki · 28/04/2018 02:30

Oh, and remember, she owes you an apology and should organise some flowers, a bottle of wine or and/some other gifts to say thank you for everything. Please, please don’t let her try and play you even more over this incident. I’d seriously advocate, completely stepping back, no lifts and no dinner at yours for several weeks, until she shows some manners and appreciation. You’re not proper friends with her, so there really is no justification for her to be over for dinner more than a couple of times per year. She is not that old and should do something about socialising on her own steam. You have enough on your plate.

User02 · 28/04/2018 02:56

OP you are a lovely neighbour. If there were more like you the world would be a better place.
It is awful that you have been taken advantage of by this person. She does not know the gem she has just lost.

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