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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I BU to say no?

112 replies

Shedmicehugh1 · 26/04/2018 09:14

I have older neighbours both sides. I help both out from time to time. One neighbour broke her wrist 8 weeks ago. I helped her out a bit more often. The ‘often’ has become very frequently, daily. When she first broke her wrist, I told her if I were cooking a family sized meal, shepherd pie or stew etc, I would take her some over. It has progressed somehow to her coming over here every night regardless of what I’m cooking. I did the usual ‘oh just let me know if you need anything’ ie shopping, housework etc and she certainly does, everyday there is something!

She is mid 60,s, has a very large family, who live close by. However, she very rarely sees any of them. Plaster is off now, but she still can’t do much.

I know she is not my responsibility, but I feel if I don’t help her no one will. How do I start saying no or is saying no really mean spirited?

OP posts:
crumble82 · 28/04/2018 14:53

Wow, when you said she was offering you a pamper session I had in my mind a voucher for your local spa. From what you’ve said she hasn’t learned and is just trying to make sure she isn’t losing her meal ticket.

It’s tough and I still feel sorry for her but I think you just need to be really firm and bring up the drawbridge for a while.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 28/04/2018 15:07

That’s how I feel, sorry for her.

This thread has made me realise, she really is taking advantage, whether or not that’s intentional or not, benefit of the doubt. I don’t think she is a ‘bad’ person.

It is what it is, I’ve allowed it to get to this point and I need to distance myself, for both our sakes really. My sanity and her independence.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 28/04/2018 15:28

She's about my age, that seriously isn't - or at least shouldn't be - elderly. She's clearly lonely but she's also a grade A piss taker. She needs to be independent, do her own shopping, cooking, laundry, housework. What a shame that she's abused your kindness and generosity like this. I'm so sorry, OP, you'll think twice about showing someone kindness now.

Nikephorus · 28/04/2018 16:45

Wow, when you said she was offering you a pamper session I had in my mind a voucher for your local spa.
Yes, I was thinking spa day, not £3 eyebrows!! It'll cost you more in petrol & parking to take her there (for her treatments) and back than it'll cost her to treat you!
Bugger that for a game of soldiers, unplug the phone, take the batteries out of the doorbell and put your feet up!

Appuskidu · 28/04/2018 16:59

That’s how it started, if I cook stew, lasagne, spaghetti Bol kind of meals, there is always loads left, which I offered her. It’s snowballed into me now buying extra food, when there isn’t lots left over

Then don’t!

Tell her there is none left over! Tell her you’re on a budget.

ArchchancellorsHat · 28/04/2018 17:18

That's epic pisstaking. I'm awestruck by the sheer cheek of it. She definitely knows what she's doing and i think i know why there's no one else to help

Lacucuracha · 28/04/2018 17:56

I think the eyebrow thing happened last week and the CF has offered a pamper session today to make OP feel grateful and get her on side again.

OP, the more you post the more of a pisstaker she sounds.

Trying to make you give up your day, be a taxi service for £3 was a joke.

So glad you're resolute about not being her cook/cleaner/driver/hairdresser anymore.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 30/04/2018 19:22

Today, my ds, dh and I are all ill.

Neighbour texted earlier and I told her we are all ill. Anyhow she texted again later ‘don’t worry about dinner, I will do some chips’ Shock

How do I reply?! How do I say I won’t be cooking for you, unless you are invited, in a polite way?

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 30/04/2018 19:27

Just reply with something along the lines of...As we discussed last week, I won’t be making any more meals for you; I have enough to do with my own family.

CocoLoco87 · 30/04/2018 19:35

You could say "chips sounds like a good idea. I'll let you know when I'm up for cooking again - maybe I'll have some spare food at the weekend I can give you. Have a good week."

AhNowTed · 30/04/2018 19:39

OMG OP! I'm just literally shaking my head here 😂

Baubletrouble43 · 30/04/2018 19:41

mid 60s is not elderly!!!

Lacucuracha · 30/04/2018 19:45

'chips sounds like a good idea. I'll let you know when I'm up for cooking again - maybe I'll have some spare food at the weekend I can give you. Have a good week."

Please don't text this OP!

I would tell her 'no, we don't want any chips.'

Grin

Or just ignore her and next time she rocks up for food or texts you about you cooking, just tell her that you won't be able to help anymore.

She is so entitled, I hope you're firm in your approach to her.

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/04/2018 20:00

“No thanks we’re not hungry”

crumble82 · 30/04/2018 20:09

What Dartmoor Doughnut said!

I’m feeling less sorry for her now Shock

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 30/04/2018 21:18

I haven’t replied. Looks like ds has a very contagious illness (one anyone can catch) I was notified of suspected case in school last week.

Looks like nature has intervened for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 30/04/2018 21:19

😂 @ no thanks we’re not hungry!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 01/05/2018 07:06

Wow you are a fabulous neighbour. My dsis had to help a neighbour in similiar circumstances( or choose to) . The family who lived abroad gave her a voucher for a big swanky hotel . I know you don't want anything but really they all sound awful. Imagine watching a neighbour do everything for your Mum and not even call to say thanks. Do not feel one single bit guilty. You have surpassed yourself.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 01/05/2018 07:58

We have a nice community here. Elderly neighbour the other side, she will ask me or DH to help her with the odd thing (but she has daughters who visit regularly) she always sends in a bottle of wine or treats my son etc. My son visits her every now and then to see her animals and she makes a fuss of him. If I know she is ill, I ask does she need anything, send in the odd meal etc.

Neighbour across the road grows her own veg/fruit etc. She is always sharing it. We share homemade cakes etc with her.

Then there is THE neighbour! Who seems to take and take! It’s awkward to exclude her, once she has been included!

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 01/05/2018 08:04

It's not excluding her to expect her to have her own life. Can't believe she had the brass neck again. I'd send appu text above. Nothing less will work

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 01/05/2018 08:35

My ‘snapping’ appears to be like tumble weed to her! She is like the terminator, never gives up!

What I suspect my son says, he will be contagious for at least a week. Which should bring me nicely to oh you managed for a week, good for you, keep up the good work, the physio will be pleased!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 01/05/2018 08:36

‘Has’ not ‘says’!

OP posts:
Bolokov · 01/05/2018 08:51

I acknowledge the temporary disability; but her behaviour suggest loneliness as well being rather expectant and having the inclination to become dependent. Her family are probably wise to this would be why limit their involvement with her.

I respect your kindness and the fact you don't want to be brutally honest with her.

Could you scale back the help as her wrist grows stronger and drop a few use it or lose it hints?

GnotherGnu · 01/05/2018 09:01

It's pretty clear her arm won't get better if she doesn't start using it normally, so you will be doing her a favour saying no repeatedly.

Original poster
Shedmicehugh1 · 01/05/2018 09:08

She really would be devastated if I had no more involvement with her at all. I think falling and breaking her wrist has knocked her confidence and made her a bit fearful of using her hand.

Maybe I do need to support her with her independence, rather than just leaving her to it. Perhaps once son is better, I can take her shopping for food she can cook and go and supervise her cooking a couple of times.

Thanks I think that is a kinder approach.

OP posts: