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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To discourage Dd from having a baby

401 replies

sandsandthesea · 25/04/2018 18:49

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

OP posts:
herbgarden47 · 26/04/2018 00:42

@UserV I don't think it's a good idea but I think your original post was nasty. It's fucking hard but not the end of the world. Bully for you at your perfect little family.

Ohmydayslove · 26/04/2018 00:43

Agree UserV well said.

I love the idea of renting out a toddler to a teenager who wants a baby Grin anyone want my 2 year old dgs? He’s ace but he would kill your dds Rose tinted glasses op by smashing them or probably pooing on them or both Grin

herbgarden47 · 26/04/2018 00:43

with your perfect little family*

Ohmydayslove · 26/04/2018 00:45

No it’s not the end of the world of course not and me and dh hsve brought up 6 great adults.

But sorry I want more for my kids, especially my dds, than knocked up as teenagers.

And more importantly they want more

BakedBeans47 · 26/04/2018 00:45

YANBU who on earth would want their 19 year old purposely getting pregnant? Not much you can do though I guess.

nursy1 · 26/04/2018 00:50

You do realize that babies grow up, right? Into kids, then big kids, and teenagers

kokeshi. Of course I do. I’ve got six, youngest is 20. I also work in the field. Young Mums get a bad press nowadays and I was replying to anghared who got a few nasty responses.
There are pros and cons to having your children young as there are to waiting.
Your point about getting your own career sorted is better answered by the pp who says her kids watched her building her career. Mine ( especially the older ones, watched me do this. It’s a great example for them as they go through their own education.

SpareASquare · 26/04/2018 00:51

Planning a child when they can't support one themselves (as living with parents seems to imply) and thinking it's a grand idea just shows how NOT ready they are. Your DD won't listen to you even if you do try and dissuade her.
I'd be disappointed, for sure. 19 is too young. I'd be crushed if that's all my dd, or ds settled for.

Stripy29 · 26/04/2018 00:55

Id say stay out of it and see what happens. If she does get pregnant then its time to face up to reality. Im sure she already realises what she'll have to give up.
It wouldn't be the end of the world. Heck, it might be the best thing to ever happen to her. I had my first at 19 and despite what others have said on here felt i had lots to give a baby. And i dont think i did too badly as im now 26, own my own home, have savings in the bank and have a happy healthy beautiful son. I have worked since i was 16 and only had maternity leave off so not reliant on benefits before anyone asks....

Onlyoldontheoutside · 26/04/2018 01:08

Hoohoohelp,yes it is a stereotype of and older mother,some of us fit them.
My response though was to the stereo type that young teenage mums have more energy than older mothers,energy is not enough.

bloodyfuckingnora · 26/04/2018 01:26

Some of the replies on here are shocking!!
I had my daughter at 17. Her dad supported us whilst being abusive and violent towards me. So I built up the courage to leave, I’m now 23 and in the last year of my degree,
Peoples views of young parents having nothing to offer is bullsjhit. My daughter is excelling in all subjects and is happy. I was a young parent and didn’t do a bad job so 🖕

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2018 01:29

The issue is, where are they going to live. The relative that they are living with, needs to be aware of their plans. When you are older, having to be on the same body clock as a baby/toddler is tough going and it shouldn't be inflicted on anyone.

"i’d never try to dissuade someone from having kids young. Have the DC in your early 20s, then start your career in your 30s when they start secondary school, and carry on right through without having to take a break"

That doesn't mean that you don't work, it means that for the young Women who want children and don't have the desire to go to Uni, they can do that later on. Meanwhile they just work a job that gives them the life balance they want. For the same level of debt as a Degree, you can buy starter homes Up North. You're doing the same thing, just the opposite way round.

I had my first at 18 and then had secondary infertility. if I hadn't I would have wanted my family complete by around 23. We owned our own home and my DH could support us fully. It would have been a case of tough, if he couldn't, the benefits wasn't around then. I didn't know what I wanted to do as work, but I wanted children more than anything, so it made sense to get on with it.

The level of possible immaturity, I don't think is damaging to the baby. By the time the child is five, a lot of growing up will have been done. The level of open thinking and less worry when your younger, is a bonus, as well as the energy levels and the physical side. If you've met the person that you want to be with, then you aren't missing out on anything.

It's swings and roundabouts. I worry more about young Fathers not fulfilling their role, than a young Mum.

As for the poster who sited her relative who has SS involvement, the one thing that surprised me when I became a CP SW was that my client group wasn't Teens. There were an equal amount from every age group. It was the Teens that tended to turn things completely around, though.

My Mum had me late, so going through the Menopause having her to look after and then have a young child, as well, would have pushed me over the edge.

There are some sections of Society that may be "practically children" at 19, but others will be more sensible than some 30 year olds out there. We put young Women down, in our Society, terribly.

Just because you are younger it doesn't mean that you lack what is needed to successfully to raise a child and being older doesn't necessarily give you that.

nursy1 · 26/04/2018 01:31

I think it's a joke that so many people on here are supporting someone barely out of childhood getting tied down with kids...no way, I’m not having it

UserV
You have a really negative view on parenting.
It can be very hard on 30 year olds “getting tied down with kids”. Had a patient the other day who cried because she wanted to plan an exotic holiday to a malaria zone and her pregnancy was, “ruining her last holiday with her husband”. That baby to be is also in for a rocky start.
Leaving it until your 30s for some means it never happens. The choice is taken from them. Your 20 something’s sound great but yours is not the only set up to produce graduates who travel you know.
Yes, the pressures on younger parents are usually greater financially but I’ve also seen it be the catalyst for them to get their careers sorted and motivate them to great things. you can travel and achieve with children and be doing that in your 30s with the more mature perspective that brings.
I’m not trying to pretend that all teenage pregnancies are fabulous but we are talking about a 20 year old in a relationship. Don’t conflate that with a 16 yr old sm.

nursy1 · 26/04/2018 01:43

Just because you are younger it doesn't mean that you lack what is needed to successfully to raise a child and being older doesn't necessarily give you that

Absolutely birdsgottafly

Sparklynails7 · 26/04/2018 02:11

Has your dd moved out and living with her boyfriend? Do they have full time jobs? Are they financially secure enough to raise a child? If the answer is no to one of these questions then she's not ready for a baby.

harrypotternerd · 26/04/2018 03:55

I had my first at 17 and although I love my children with all my heart I wish I had waited.
My oldest is about to turn 11 and do you know where her father (who was 20 when she was born) is? We have no idea because after we split up 8 years ago my kids have seen him 3 times, only when he was relatively close to the area he last knew I was living and asked me to bring the kids along so he could see them. He wouldnt even see them alone.
I had a long battle to get child support out of him, it took a few years.
My two oldest children have special needs which makes it all the more harder. I was in a bad place financially and emotionally for a long time because my kids dad decided he had made a mistake by having kids young and decided to walk out of their lives. I didn't have that luxury.
People look at me now and if they did not know mw a few years ago, they don't know what my life was like.
I am getting married to an amazing man and he has stepped up and taken my kids on as his own. We have known each other since primary school and he has done more for my kids than their biological father. We are financially secure and my kids are finally doing much better.

SilverDoe · 26/04/2018 06:37

Hmm I am torn, it would have to depend on her reasoning and plans; if she literally just "wants a baby" then obviously that is not a very balanced and mature mindset.

To be honest though, although different people have opinions either way, what it comes down to is personal circumstance. Is she a very level headed, mature girl who knows how to maximise the benefits of having children young can offer and mitigate the negatives the best she can? As many often say, there is no perfect time to start a family.

To add my personal experience and opinion, I had my DD at 21 (almost 22) and was pregnant as a result of a contraceptive failure. However I was excited and confident in my ability to have this child; most importantly (to me) my partner and I had been together for a while, and while I was only 21, he was 29. This might be offensive, but while I believe there are many fantastic young mothers out there, I myself would put much less trust in a 19 year old boy being a competent and stable partner and father.

I see people on the thread being offended at the notion of "getting kids out of the way" - however I thought and took it as getting the early years out of the way, which have a lot of practical constraints, especially in terms of building careers. I definitely see the benefit of having kids young for some people; I am only 24 and have gotten starting a family "out of the way" as in the present I am junior enough to take PT work without it affecting my career plans, and in the future I will be able to focus on following that path without having to worry about taking time out for mat leave, and am far less likely to seek part time work.

Obviously there are still plenty of drawbacks; we rent and won't own a home for at least a decade I imagine (however I think that may be the case for a lot of young people these days). It's just a case of making the best of whatever situation you have really, and being pragmatic.

Dozer · 26/04/2018 07:30

“Whether the baby gets a £1,000 pram is another thing, but I’m sure babies don’t suffer because you can’t afford the top end stuff “ A very limited view of finances there: renting a flat in some places can cost that every month!

Statistically it’s much more likely that this couple will break up than stay together. If they do so, it’ll very likely be OP’s DD with the housing and financial problems, and facing barriers to WoH.

They are not financially independent, or married. I assume her wages will be lower than childcare costs, so she will be under pressure to quit work, or work very part time. So will be taking personal financial risks affecting her long term future.

yerbutnobut · 26/04/2018 07:31

Userv, I have read back over my posts and I nowhere have I stated that this is what everyone should do, I simply put out there on this open discussion that not all young mums end up in a sorry state with nothing to offer a child as others had stated. And i certainly haven't said that if you don't have kids young then you will end up an STD riddled had and never be on the property ladder. some on here love to twist things to make others look nasty.

yerbutnobut · 26/04/2018 07:32

*hag not had!

Dozer · 26/04/2018 07:35

It’s really not about being “level headed” SilverDoe: that won’t pay the bills if in a year or three DD has no job, home or DP!

If you’re married, and / or WoH, that is at least some mitigation of the financial risks. The problems are likely to start if the relationship ends, which more than half (or more if cobating) do, especially if the man doesn’t share parenting and/or can’t or won’t pay decent maintenance.

That could happen at any age, of course, but is even more likely to happen in a relationship where both partners are young and where the woman is on a low wage, so quits work.

immortalmarble · 26/04/2018 07:40

I think that this is what is irritating about threads like this, not the valid point that having a baby very young can limit your world in a lot of ways, but the sneery digs at your parenting.

What did I have to offer a baby at 16? Well, what did my mother have to offer me at 34? My mother had a husband who adored her, a lovely big home, her own parents on tap to help out and enough money for holidays and extra curricular activities. It should have been a perfect childhood, except it wasn’t. My mother wanted perfect children at all times and got pretty furious when she didn’t get them, to the point where my brother and I were terrified to go near her. The willing parents helping out died, the secure and well paid job my dad had became one he loathed, we hated the holidays we took together because it involved being in a confined space with my mother who got increasingly volatile and downright unpleasant as the years went by.

Things get thrashed out and sorted as the years go by, just like any other parent, you see what your child needs and you adapt your circumstances to sort it.

Ultimately, my DD is comfortable with who and what she is, she loves me very very much and while there are regrets and sadnesses there for me, I can honestly say I could have offered her the same at 16 as I could any time, it’s just love. I know that’s twee and I don’t care Grin

Tiddlywinks63 · 26/04/2018 07:45

I suspect your DD will carry on regardless of your advice op.
Personally I'd be concerned about just how they will manage and await them seeking support in due course.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2018 07:47

'You know what Expat. I disagreed with your point of view. I didn't deserve that swipe at me. I wasn't virtue signalling or saying I was a better person.'

You know, pallisers, you implied that those who disagree with you aren't as good a parent as you, if that's not a swipe I'm not sure what is. Most people care about their kids all their lives, that doesn't mean they take part in big decisions those children make in adulthood. Hmm

SilverDoe · 26/04/2018 07:56

Dozer

Well it is about being level headed, because that's what I mean :)

Being level headed would imply that she would be able to make the decision based on other factors, aside from simply wanting a child.

harlaandgoddard · 26/04/2018 07:56

I’d like to know what I can’t offer my DD that older mothers can, based purely on my age.