To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

while I was only 21, he was 29. This might be offensive, but while I believe there are many fantastic young mothers out there, I myself would put much less trust in a 19 year old boy being a competent and stable partner and father.

Really good and balanced post, SilverDoe. I have seen some girls/young women of 19, 20, 21 who were emotionally ready for lifelong commitment and parenthood. I don't think many boys of that age are. They tend to be a LOT less mature and a lot less ready for the demands and sacrifices of marriage and parenthood.

And while some women are happy to basically have one, single, lifelong parter and nobody else, I think a lot of guys will get itchy feet if they get older and realize that they are on course to have had only one relationship for their entire lifespan. You can call that sexism or you can call it realism.

In more "traditional" setups where people did marry younger and girls in particular married in their teens, the young men were usually several years older, and frankly there are reasons for that.

A good piece of advice here to the young woman might be, do NOT do anything until the guy has married you. Firstly, this will provide the girl with legal protection if she is planning to do something like complete a degree or vocational training in order to establish a long-term employment plan for herself (and I strongly suggest that she does just that, unless she already has a proper, full-term, long-term job right now). Secondly, it is a pretty good quick-and-dirty test of how committed this boy is. Being presented with a vision of being 40 and never having had a relationship with anyone other than this one woman might concentrate his thoughts awfully quickly!

Immortalmarble, very sad. And well said. Everyone's emotional resources are different, and can't be predicted.

I do think other circumstances or factors can be valid concerns, though if the OP is going to be honest (as she says in her OP) then hopefully she will be tactful and loving in her expression of those concerns.

How d

'Being level headed would imply that she would be able to make the decision based on other factors, aside from simply wanting a child.'

The Relationships board is littered with women in their 30s who have thrown level-headedness out the window because their biological clock is dinging in their ears, people who have taken up with men who are the worst kind of sperm donors, to get one of two babies.

This woman who is the OP's daughter will be twenty if she gets pregnant now, according to the OP, not 14 or even 16.

How does she feel about living with his parents? Is this cultural or financial? What are their long term plans for moving out if any? How would his parents feel if they plan to stay there with a baby?

I think circumstances are more relevant than age. Babies are expensive and also put pressure on a relationship

'A good piece of advice here to the young woman might be, do NOT do anything until the guy has married you. Firstly, this will provide the girl with legal protection if she is planning to do something like complete a degree or vocational training in order to establish a long-term employment plan for herself (and I strongly suggest that she does just that, unless she already has a proper, full-term, long-term job right now). '

I agree.

Dozer

Just wanted to point out that while your financial concerns are completely valid, I do think there needs to be a slightly more balanced view of the options available to single mums - it's mainly a myth that single mothers are better off not working; with working and child tax credits as well as extra tax credits to support childcare costs and free hours available, particularly to those on a low income, starting at age 2.

However, that doesn't mean by any means that it is ideal for this particular young woman to have a baby.

Another factor for her to consider would be housing. I live in the SE so it's very hard going for single parents and young families around here.

I’d like to know what I can’t offer my DD that older mothers can, based purely on my age.

This is more about the daughter and her prospects than about the possible child. A lot of options become closed off, or much more difficult, if you have a child. I was in adult education, and the vast majority of those on my course were women in their forties and fifties who'd had children as soon as they left school, and were then into a cycle of work and childcare and trying to get back on their feet so they could do something for themselves. It's easy to undervalue and throw away your freedom when you're nineteen, then regret it for the next twenty years.

I'd buy her one of those babies that they use in American schools, and make her look after it day and night for the next six months. 😂

We were young parents and pretty bloody good.

However now they are all grown up there are so many more options for girls now than just have a baby. My older lads are dads late twenties and are fantastic but they are married and have houses.

If my teen dds got pregnant now at 18/19 I would be horrified to be honest and so would they. It would not continue.

I want far more for them than a baby just now and so do they.

To those saying they hate the view people express about having dc Young to get it out of way.

Is it really any worse than I would have hate kids in my 20s as I would have missed out on partying/holidays/career.

Op a lot of women put off dc until late on because they have the view that their 20s are for pursuing what they want to do, and that’s fair enough, I’d thats how they feel.
I would encourage your daughter to think about where she she would want to be by 30, what kind of house she would like to live in, would she have her own car? What would she do for a living?
If she aims for that and can put the thought of a baby out of her mind for a year or two, then through her 20s a baby may slot into the picture perfectly.

Too many people on here think babies in your 20s means your life is a write off, but many of us find that this is not the case.

If a young woman is certain she wants motherhood, planning a baby in 20s is not a bad idea. You only have to read the infertility boards to see some of the heartbreak that can happen when motherhood (through choice or not) is delayed until later age in childbearing years.

Yes but having a baby at 19 with no house and no career prospects is different to having a baby just a few years later at 25, married with a house or at least their own place and jobs.

Too different scenarios.

I agree too - I would go further and suggest that if the boyfriend has any objections to that idea then it would be a big red flag not only for the baby idea but for the relationship.

I wondered upthread who was driving the idea of having a baby.
Insecurity can be a factor, and it is never a positive one.

Sometimes women want a baby to save a relationship - a means of holding something together that is not going anywhere. Maybe marriage has already been discussed and the idea set aside. Maybe three years is the natural life of this relationship and the BF is seeking novelty and the DD senses restlessness on his part.

Sometimes men want a baby because a woman 'barefoot and pregnant' is preferable to their wife or GF getting any ideas about a career or a better job or earning more than them.

(Agree with Expat's view on marriage/baby, that is).

I got pregnant at 19 and had my baby at 20. He’s 6 months old and the best thing ever. He wasn’t part of the plan at all, but I have an amazing supportive family. I literally threw the pregnancy test at my mum and she was so so excited, I didn’t know what to do. I thought about abortion but didn’t do it.
My mums youngest is 4 and my partners mums youngest is 2, so they’re still young enough and in the baby stage that they wanted to help. They said if I continued they would help and they have. We worked our asses off when I was pregnant to save to move out, stayed at my mums the first three months which was a life saver when I was exhausted.

I now work 3 days a week in a “career” and my partner works full time too. Our mums are still part time from their little ones and look after our son when I’m working so no childcare costs and we live very well.

However, 0/10 would not recommend to anyone having a baby young. We can’t spend all our money going abroad and going out, we’re going to a festival in the summer which is my first time properly going out in 2 years. I breast feed, I work, I use a sling. I do whatever a mum of 35 would do. We make it work.

But if she doesn’t have that support she’s nuts, and she has to be realistic that the relationship might not last into proper adulthood.
If you’re prepared to help let that be known, if you’re not make that very clear too. I wouldn’t have continued if our parents weren’t still in baby stages and had careers and lives they wanted to live without a baby getting in the way. Luckily they’re both very much of the mindset that a baby fits your life and not the other way around.
But no I wouldn’t recommend it

Personally I would be devastated that my dd would be missing out on precious years of living her own life, in that carefree way that frankly you never get once you have children as you rightly always have to put them first. Not necessarily the cliche of travel and drinking, but studying. Living in new cities, meeting new people, learning who you are. All sacrificed for drudge and baby groups. I would weep. But that's my personal opinion.

Read a line in a Fay Weldon book "life is for living not just passing on"

I can only speak for me but it is comments like “I would be horrified if ...”

Not “I would be sad but I’d support her.”

It reinforces the fact that all the good stuff I’ve (tried!) to do - the A levels and degree and work and house - doesn’t matter. You’re only ever a Teenage Parent. And that bites.

Or devestated.

Most people seem to think my mother was very hard. Maybe her reaction was more normal than we think.

I don't give 2 hoots what you or anyone else does. If it were my daughter I would be devastated.

So was my mother.

It reinforces the fact that all the good stuff I’ve (tried!) to do - the A levels and degree and work and house - doesn’t matter.

Your choice, but other people are entitled to a different opinion. Most people want their children to have an easy life, not to have to struggle to do things like A levels and degree when they have a child.

Encourage her to get some experience with babies! She could work in a nursery or babysit for friends or something like that. If she likes kids it'd be a good move for her, it'll also give her an insight into what babies/young kids are like. If she can't find a baby to work with I have a 10 month old DD and I'm currently 8 months pregnant -send her my way I could use some help!

KERALA

Spot on totally agree.

I have raised my dds to want more. As you say not drinking and partying as they don’t really but one is currently back packing around Oz and the other st uni. Both want degrees and to have careers, to have hobbies and be able to work abroad or just plan a holiday or go to festivals.

You have a child and quite rightly the child comes first. I don’t want that for my girls yet. I want them to breath free for a good few years yet.

I mean this as respectfully as possible, I really do.

But you can't know what you've missed out on in your youth until some substantial years down the line. Saying you don't feel the need to live your life as an individual be it clubbing, travelling, doing reckless things, finding out who you are etc etc in your mid 20s is a little futile.

It's when your children are grown and you have the freedom and space to do your own thing that the pangs of regret tend to come.

And yes both they and dh and I would be horrified and both have said if there was a contraception fail they would abort in a heart beat. Their choice and thankgod women have that choice here.