To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

Excellent post @bobingit

I was particularly referring to your initial post @bobingit

Thank you @MCSpammer I thought I'd give my honest point of view in amongst everyone who seems to have found it the role they were made for in life because I honestly didn't and it really is fucking hard.

My DM got married at 19, had her first (planned) baby at 20 and her second at 22. Was married to my DF for over 30 years until he died, both very successful in their careers.

My friend had her (unplanned) baby at 18. Her DP worked while she qualified as a nurse then she worked while he qualified as an accountant. They're still together and their 21yo DD is doing her post-grad.

Then, of course, we all know people of all ages who have split up from their DC's other parent (me included) or have made a mess of their whole lives etc.

It all depends on if she's wanting a family for the right reasons and only she knows that.

Sounds like she is in a stable relationship so that’s one box ticked. They have jobs but living with his parents. Does that work for them? Adding a baby might be a pressure too many if it’s a small house.
There is something to be said for having kids early from a biological point of view. I see many women for the fertility blood tests in their 30s who worked, saved bought the house etc. Then they decide it’s time for kids but it doesn’t happen.
Also from a personal point of view one of my friends had her kids when she was 20 and 22. She was out of the loop for a while but had an absolute ball in her 30s and 40s both career wise and from being a bit freer than the rest of us with childcare.

Good for you, pallisers, but not all people want the same things, this woman doesn't, obviously. As long as she and her partner are solvent, have a roof over their heads, the basics, it's entirely their lookout if they have a child.

But pallisersjust because you didn't want to be responsible for a child and enjoyed the time you had without responsibility doesn't mean others will (or should) feel the same. I certainly don't but as my oldest child is only 5 I accept I may change my mind. Even if I do by the time I'm 40 I won't have a mortgage and my children will be adults. Plenty of time/ opportunity to live it up then if I really want to.

Also I want to add that I never ever thought being a mum would be this hard- I always envisaged being one at some point. So maybe for some it isn't but for most I'd say it is. And yes please do read my original post if you want to see how I feel about being a young mum. And I haven't met any young mums in real life who've said they've regretted it but they've all had a very hard time/still do.

Yep me and dh never particularly thought about travelling although we were 18 in 1982 and it was a very different world.

My kids all had gap years and youngest now in Sydney.

Dh and I did Cyprus aged 19 together and yes our first flight and abroad dh has since travelled the globe with work and the only place he liked better then England was Sydney

We are young grandparents, as were ours, and help out by babysitting etc.

I think if you start your family at 40 it must be hard if your in laws and parents are too old to help out but then again age is just a number.

At the end of the day some people are brilliant parents at 17 and others crap at 40 and visa Versa. It’s not age it’s capability

It's great to hear that so many people have had children young and it's all gone well.
Many of you 'fell' pregnant and then made the most of it,and most of you had left home.
How many of you,like the,Ops DD planned a pregnancy when still be able to support themselves?
I think many young adults expect their parents to help with childcare but most of us are working and will be until nearly 70.
I think that OP daughter will do what she wants,not thinking about the impact on her partner and his parents then if it all goes wrong will be home with her mum to sort it out.
And on the point of younger parents having more energy why do you then wonder that are tired working and then looking after your child?Also older mums have more patience and resilience as a whole and somehow manage not to burden our parents.
Back to the question,how many of you deliberately got regnant when not self supporting in your teens?

Good for you, pallisers, but not all people want the same things, this woman doesn't, obviously. As long as she and her partner are solvent, have a roof over their heads, the basics, it's entirely their lookout if they have a child.

My attitude to my 19 year old child making irreversible decisions is not "well its your own look out". I wouldn't be telling anyone else's dd what to do. I actually don't really care what the OP's dd does - no skin of my nose. She is technically grown up and may be a great mother. I don't expect everyone to do as I do.

But this isn't a chat about whether anyone at 19 should get pregnant.
The OP is asking if she is unreasonable to explain to her own dd how difficult having a baby would be and I don't think she is. I would certainly talk to mine about how all-consuming it is.

And this living it up when they are gone thing. That isn't the point at all. I have enough money to live it up now. In a couple of years they will all 3 be off at uni and I can travel etc etc. But they will still be the first thing I think of every morning. If they have any troubles, those troubles will weigh on me too. I don't think anyone knows what having a child is like until you have one.

immortablemarble

What a truly lovely post

Well, of course, pallisers, people care about their children . Imagine that! Everyone thinks of their kids daily all their lives, I do even of my daughter who is dead. Virtue signalling doesn't make anyone a better person than another .

The OP asks if it's reasonable to discourage her 19-year-old child from having a baby, not have a cozy chat. IME, it's a certain way to drive a wedge in a relationship, discourage an adult child from doing something they've told you they want to do.

@fluffyblanket17 does your name begin with an M? I have a friend who had her first son aged 18, 12 years ago. She had a mortgage on a lovely little 3 bed terraced house with her boyfriend at that age. He was an 18 year old builder so did it all up. She worked constantly. They're now married with 2 more children, rent out the first house and have bought a 4 bed now! She always made it look so effortless and easy :)

I didn't get deliberately pregnant Only but wasn't supporting
myself at the time (neither was DH). We've both since completed our degrees, got good jobs (admittedly DH is in a much better paid job than I am) and our own house. We don't live anywhere near our parents or wider family- we have no childcare support and would never ask for it.

I don't think older mums have any more patience/ resillance. I think that's a really silly stereotype. Older or younger it all depends on your personality and the way you chose to interact with your DC.

You know what Expat. I disagreed with your point of view. I didn't deserve that swipe at me. I wasn't virtue signalling or saying I was a better person.

angharad
Ignore the negativity. You are absolutely right. A baby does perfectly well with the basics, a roof over their heads, some arms to hold them, food in their tummy’s and a kind atmosphere. At first you don’t need more than that although at times even those simple things can be hard work.
It sounds like you have plans to provide for the growing needs in the years to come. I think you will be a brilliant Mum.
I travelled the world/ partied before I had my first child at 26. It was great but looking back a bit shallow. I grew up and had my life affirming experience by having my kids.

It's not even if she has a baby. Babies are, of course, bloody hard work but fairly portable and, in a way, easy. Does she work full time?

I think in some ways, gets more complicated when they start school and you're in that rut/routine for another 12 years.
Try and get her to see that it's worth waiting until she's a bit older so maybe they have their own place/location sorted, a bit of money saved. His parents probably won't want them living there for another 20 years!

My youngest dd is 19 and I would move heaven snd earth to try to persuade her not to hsve kids right now.

It won’t happen as she’s not maternal at all and although we don’t regret having kids in our early twenties it’s like pallisters just said. Once you have kids that’s it. You are never free. Emotionally or in any other way. You never come First again and personally I want my dds to hsve a good few care free selfish years.

I don’t regret having them young but I do regret not having more worry free care free years with just me and dh.

I had my children at 19, 21 and 23. Then at 24 I was diagnosed with cancer and my treatment meant i lost my ability to have children.

I had a home, a job, was in a stable relationship. ok, we didn't have huge amounts of money, or savings, but neither do lots of people much older than we were. 15 years later i've been back to uni and have my masters, hoping to do my Phd at some point soon, i have a flourishing career in an area i love. I'm no longer with the children's father, but we co-parent happily and are still close friends. There is no horrible fights about custody like lots of my friends have with exs who are much older than me. my children have seen me work hard for my career and have first hand knowledge of the sacrifices i had to make to get there which i think has been good for them and taught them about studying. study notes stuck all over the kitchen are normal to them and they are beginning to use them for their own school work. Its not such a bad life having a teenage mother...

expat

Think that’s unfair to pallisters I would certainly discourage my dds now 19/20 from having children if they asked my opinion. It’s bloody hard emotionally and talking like that shouldn’t drive any wedge just sharing experiences.

If a 19 year old would get pregnant just because mummy told her not to she certainly isn’t ready to be s mum

I think 19yos can be great parents, but there needs to be a solid plan in place.

She and her partner should be married, have a stable, long-term place to live of their own, have employment paths and concrete plans about how to continue building those employment paths while raising a small child, and they need to have a clear understanding of what a big responsibility this is.

They need to do the sums and work out how they can afford this while working, paying for childcare and probably saving for a housing deposit.

They need to realize that this is going to impact their ability to do fun young-people's stuff like travel, trips, going out in evening, and they need to understand in a crystal-clear fashion that there is a limit to how much help they can expect from grandparents.

The fact that they are talking about this without having their own place to live suggests that the DD is a naive girl who has not thought this through. And as others have said, the reality is that times have changed and it has got harder for very young people to establish themselves on employment and house-ownership pathways--it's not like it was 25 years ago.

OP, do you know anyone with a toddler who could "lend" them to your DD for the weekend? a family member who fancies a break? I had my DDs years ago and now whenever my 2 year old nephew comes to stay i want to die! Hes knackering!! Touches and breaks everything, screams for no reason, throws his food, hits my dog etc. Turns out Im not as energetic or patient in my 40s as I was when I had my DDs in my 20s.

A baby does perfectly well with the basics, a roof over their heads, some arms to hold them, food in their tummy’s and a kind atmosphere.

You do realize that babies grow up, right?

Into kids, then big kids, and teenagers.

You have all these things to do with them--supporting their education and so on, while trying to build your own career. They get more expensive with each passing year until they are off your hands.

Not saying "19yos can't have children," just that there needs to be a solid plan in place, like I said--a solid plan that is predicated on the basic understanding that "Kids are demanding and expensive," not bollox about how babies are happy with just a roof over their head and a boob to drink from or whatever.

@pallisers

I wouldn't wish that on someone of 19. I want my children to live a little before the most demanding and important relationship of their lives takes over.

I also would not want my 19 year old to have a baby with a young man she has been dating from the age of 15. Way too young. you change a lot after the age of 15. the boy you loved then might be a lovely person but might not be the one you want to be connected to for the rest of your life (as you will if you have a baby with him).

Yes I know so many Mumsnetters have had mortgages and houses and pets and dogs and jobs and degrees and husbands and children at age 19 and are still blissfully in love and visiting foreign countries 20 years later.

But the reality is most teenage relationships where they have a baby aren't this rosy-looking. And it is highly unlikely the OP's dd would be like this given they can't even rent their own place at the moment. If I were her mother I would be worried she is wondering what next and sees having a baby as the next thing without actually thinking about her life and what might happen.

So if it were my dd, yes I would discourage.

Brilliant post. Put so much better than I could put it. Very very true too. It is far more likely they will end up as a single mother living in penury, than this far-fetched rosy wonderful life SOME make out they have, after having babies in their teens.

And the upshot is, a few people on here are basically saying if you don't have your kids before 20, and get on the property ladder, you will end up an STD riddled old hag, who will be never get on the property ladder, and even if you do, you'll be on it til you die of old age, and loneliness, and it will serve you right for not getting tied down at 19.

And other people are saying if you have kids in your teens there will be much less likelihood of 'custody battles' and you will be more likely to get on with your ex. WTAF?! Are people on here actually looking at what they've typed before they hit 'submit.???

And it seems if you don't agree with certain posters advocating getting tied down in your teens, you are judgemental and horrible, and they hope YOUR kids don't turn out like you, or get pregnant in their teens! Newsflash, mine are both early to mid 20's, both post graduates, both well-travelled, both in successful well-paid careers, both have boyfriends they have lived with for a year or so, and both have no INTENTION of having kids for at LEAST 5 years. Sorry to disappoint you.

I see quite a few people here getting arsey and snarky with people saying it's a bad idea to settle down and have a baby at 18-19, and thinking it's a terrible idea to get a mortgage at that age too. I wonder why they are so upset and angry at peoples views. Surely if you're happy with your life choices, you wouldn't care?

Some of the posts on here are batshit, and I think it's a joke that so many people on here are supporting someone barely out of childhood getting tied down with kids and a mortgage at 17-19. No WAY can anyone seriously think it's a good idea, and no WAY would they be OK with their daughter or son doing it. No WAY. I'm not having it.

If I knew someone in real life who was encouraging their teenager to have a baby, and take on a mortgage with a lad they have known 3 years (since they were 16,) I'd be disgusted with them, and frankly, I'd think they were pretty poor parents.

@ohmydayslove

I agree. People using their own personal circumstances as ammo to attack other people is disgusting.