To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

Userv, my idea of hell is being older, perhaps not in best of health and having a lot still go pay off on mortgage. I don't envy some of the friends I have that did all the partying when younger, one slept around and later in life discovered an STD thats fucked up her health, another is 40 and can't get on property ladder and is gutted. Back when I had DS everyone thought I'd thrown my life away, a few weeks ago one friend said to me out of our group I'm in the better position. Life is what you make it, you clearly see having a child young as a negative, I didn't/don't.

The thing about travel gets me. I had my first at 19, second at 20. They are both now mid 20s (no grandchildren yet) and I am absolutely loving travelling. I spent 6 months living in Japan last year. And because I have a good few years of a professional career behind me, I was able to enjoy it in style rather than backpacking. I honestly do not feel I have missed out on anything.

That being said, would I have “encouraged” either of mine at 19 to have a child, no. I quite like not being a grandma just yet! However, it doesn’t mean life over.

Thank you vlad, that does mean a lot

I knew nothing when I had DD but I came out of hospital knowing two things, firstly, that I really loved my baby and secondly, that I wanted better for her than I’d had.

Over the years I have come to realise that we all want that for our children. Parenting unites us, we have more in common than things setting us apart.

As DS has grown older and sadly his additional needs have slowly taken over and his mental state has deteriorated. As such it has made me grateful for the ordinary. My ordinary lovely daughter who is beautiful to me because she’s my DD, an ordinary pretty girl to everyone else, who will have an ordinary life and hopefully one day ordinary children of her own.

You don’t have to do anything special or remarkable or amazing with your life. You just have to live it in a way that makes you happy and as far as possible causes no one else pain.

We did some travelling three years ago. I went with my children and I was 34 and they were 18 and 16. I can’t think of any two people I’d rather have gone with

@Storm4star obviously it's different for everyone but for me I wish I'd been able to have care free travelling time where I could do things and not care so much about whether something would happen to me because I'm a mother. It's fine and I like my life now and look forward to a future like yours and obviously it was meant to be. But I would never recommend it unless that's all they wanted to do and are completely self reliant.

We did some travelling three years ago. I went with my children and I was 34 and they were 18 and 16. I can’t think of any two people I’d rather have gone with

Exactly. My DC and I have been to Japan a few times, we love it, and it’s been amazing sharing it with them. In fact it inspired my son to do a degree in Japanese and he’s graduating this year! He plans to move there so that means DD and I will have more excuses to visit ;) we’ve also been all over Europe, America and Egypt. I agree, i’ve had much more fun going with them than I would have with anyone else.

This thread is showing how judgemental some can be. I had my first child at 20- he's now 5. I can offer my children a lot thank you very much. I completed my degree, we have our own house and I have been with my DP for 9 years. I love being a mum and am damn good at too. I don't see what's so disappointing about any of my choices.

OP at 19 your daughter is now an adult and should be making her own decisions. You can gently discourage and explain your resevations of cause, but support and try to understand if she chooses a different path to the one you would have wanted. It's not your life.

And @immortalmarble I SO can't wait to travel with my kids I admittedly do think that will be so much fun I just wish I'd gotten to experience all 3 ways of travelling (solo young and free, with kids and solo but young and three). I think they're all worthwhile and important things to me personally but people do differ and should do what makes them happy and so am I now! I am so happy don't get me wrong but I'm also incredibly tired and isolated and run down and don't want to downplay those things to people thinking about making that same decision (wasn't much of a decision for me though- maybe that's why I feel the way I do). X

and solo but not young of free sorry baby brain!

immortalmarble
My mother didn’t look after DD once. She died when DD was nine months anyway. So she never really got to be a grandma!

There are worse things than being a grandmother!

This is true! :) I have 4 gorgeous grandchildren and another on the way.

My Mum was 17 when she had me, then had my 3 siblings. 4 of us in 5 years. Then she trained as a nurse. My Dad was a policeman.

I'm 45. I had my first at 19, then another 3 lol. I separated from their Dad after 10 years of marriage, and remarried picking up an English Degree and 2 stepkids lol

My stepdaughter had her son at 18, then went to Uni and has a Masters Degree, she teaches English at secondary school level.

My eldest is a firefighter, he's 25 and has 2 adorable children of 3 and 2. He's married and they are buying their own home.

My stepson also has a little girl of 3, he isn't with her Mum anymore but we all have a great relationship with her and they share residency. He works as a Manager in a shop.

We then have a son who says he can't have kids, he's too tight lol.

Then a girl of 20 who is planning her first. She's an NHS worker, and rents a flat with her partner. I'm sure they'll make amazing parents when it happens.

My 16 year old takes her GCSEs over the next couple of months. I admit her pregnancy did come as something of a surprise, but I just don't see it as the worst thing in the world.

We do seem to have our kids young in my family, but it doesn't seem to prevent us doing things. We travel, we go out, we do things, we educate ourselves. Having children doesn't end everything, it just changes the way you do it.

or

@bobin, I do see what your saying and, as I said, I wouldn’t have been encouraging mine to have children at 19. But I knew I always wanted a family, wanting a career actually came later.

Ultimately people have to do what’s right for them. I have a good friend who would have loved a husband and family but she got so caught up in doing it the “right” way and focused on her career, having stability etc that suddenly she’s found herself 40 and single and has been in tears talking to me about how it’s unlikely to ever happen for her now. She regrets all the years she put into building her career and paying her mortgage only to find herself with no one to leave it all to when she’s gone (her words).

It's not what I'd want for my dc, but I've made my own choices in life and expect them to do the same.

I had my dc when I was mid thirties. During my twenties I lived abroad a lot and developed my career. I did not want kids in my twenties, it would have been my worst nightmare as I loved my freedom. But not everyone is like me!

Super outing but I name change anyway but my mum was actually adopted because her mum was a teenage mother and it wasn't acceptable back then (60's). Which is sad in a way but I'm so glad I've had the life I've had and tell your friend it's never too late to adopt and it's an amazing thing to do (I definitely will). Xxx

Also I'm loving reading all these stories. They're giving me hope and encouragement amidst the relentlessness of it all! ❤️

UserV I was 19 when I was pregnant with my 1st child. 20 when I had him. Are you really telling me I have nothing to offer him? He is a much loved child in a happy, stable home. What are you offering your children that I'm not offering mine?

@UserV I think they're probably better mums than your judgemental self. I pity your children and hope to god they don't end up accidentally pregnant while still living with you. People are allowed to tell their stories and I can tell you now being a young mum myself that I've met plenty of other young mums and while most of them do have a pretty difficult lives at the moment they are all brilliant mums and are working hard to make their lives better and their children are happy.

Had my first at 20, eventually got round to marrying her dad 8 years later a couple of years after DS came along she’s almost 15 now and we’re all still one big happy family. I have a degree, am studying for a masters have two kick ass jobs and earn more than enough money to keep us in foreign holidays and a good standard of living. Was it easy? Nope but We had great family support and it meant we did a lot of things that we wouldn’t have done without her at that age, ie get on the property ladder at age 20 and 22 respectively, we now own two properties and I can’t hekp but feel a little patronised at the posts that say 19/20 year olds have nothing to offer a child. It was attitudes like that which made me pathetically grateful at the time that one midwife in the antenatal clinic was nice to me. Now I wouldn’t give a fuck, but I burst in to tears when she congratulated me on my pregnancy whereas other than close family (parents and siblings) no one had seen fit to congratulate us on our expanding family Because clearly we had little to offer a child as we were only 19/20.

I was 19 when I had my baby. It wasn't planned. Tbh, in my heart, I really wanted to be doing the things my friends were doing - going out and having fun. I would discourage.

Difficult. You can’t tell her she’s 19.

Me and dh met at 17 had first child at 20 and had another 5 kids by the time we were 33.

No degrees but dh is a high earner and we hsve a very good life style. Our kids are grow up with youngest dd 19.

Oldest 2 Lads married late 20s and happy with kids.

Dds don’t want kids st all. Prefer dogs. Fine by me.

We are all different.

The OP says if she gets pregnant now she'll be 20, not 14. Not everyone wants to travel, get drunk and go to clubs, shag around, have a load of relationships, etc. What's concerning is that she's not married and living with his parents, but even the latter, in some families it's not seen as a disaster for a son or daughter to have kids and live there with the parents.

Exactly Expat why can't some understand that just because they wanted a life full of travel, going out and few responsibilities in their 20s not everyone wants the same?
I have never wanted those things. That's not me trying to fill a void or me being uneducated or in any other way lacking. I just made different choices. That's allowed and I'm happy with the choices I made. My DH is happy and most importantly our children are happy brilliant people. Why does anyone else need to judge?

I think a 19 year old might well have a lot to offer a child and could be a great mother.

In this situation I wouldn't be worried about my as yet unconceived grandchild. I would be worried about my daughter. I have 3 children and love them dearly but having them has taken over every aspect of my life - it is the nature of being a parent - if you are a good one anyway - that your children have to become a priority for a very significant period of time. no not in everything, but in a lot of things.. And they will always be a worry. You are only as happy as your least happy child. mine are age 16-21 now and they are still top of the list of priority for me and dh.

I wouldn't wish that on someone of 19. I want my children to live a little before the most demanding and important relationship of their lives takes over.

I also would not want my 19 year old to have a baby with a young man she has been dating from the age of 15. Way too young. you change a lot after the age of 15. the boy you loved then might be a lovely person but might not be the one you want to be connected to for the rest of your life (as you will if you have a baby with him).

Yes I know so many MNs have had mortgages and houses and pets and dogs and jobs and degrees and husbands and children at age 19 and are still blissfully in love and visiting foreign countries 20 years later. The reality is most teenage relationships where they have a baby aren't this rosy-looking. And it is highly unlikely the OP's dd would be like this given they can't even rent their own place at the moment. If I were her mother I would be worried she is wondering what next and sees having a baby as the next thing without actually thinking about her life and what might happen.

So if it were my dd, yes I would discourage.

Not everyone wants to travel, get drunk and go to clubs, shag around, have a load of relationships, etc.

This isn't the only choice. I never did this. What I did do was have a few years as an adult where I wasn't entirely responsible for a dependent and helpless human being. Now that I have spent 21 years being entirely responsible I am bloody glad I did.