To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

I agree Juells but others seem to think a 19/20 year old is incapable of being a good parent.

And whoever it was that weirdly used her friend catching an STD at a young age as an example of why to settle down and have children young - aren't middle aged women the group with the highest increase in diagnoses of STDs??

At 19 I was in my first year of a law degree in new city meeting new people. In the summer I interrailed round Italy with my new friends with money earned by temping. That's what I want my dds to be able to do at 19 not changing nappies and pushing a buggy round their home town.

I wonder how his parents feel about the prospect of a baby living with them?
I wouldn't be happy.

I wonder how his parents feel about the prospect of a baby living with them?

I wonder if they even know that such decisions are being contemplated about their house.

I'd be sad that my childs life was so lacking that they thought having a baby was all there was at that age.
Yes, I'd try and discourage but don't hold your breath.

Good point juells

@sockunicorn no I'm not your friend. Although similar story, I've definitely not made it look effortless and easy, more of a wing it and hope for the best

The post about getting STDs if you don't marry your dreary school boyfriend and have babies at 20 is actually pretty funny.

@KERALA1

The post about getting STDs if you don't marry your dreary school boyfriend and have babies at 20 is actually pretty funny.

Can't search back for it now, but if that's what it said I completely misunderstood. I thought it was if you did marry your school boyfriend and have babies at 20, that then you'd run amok in your forties, screw everything in sight, and get STDs as a result. 😂

Well, each to their own. I think it's a terrible idea but then that is from my own perspective and how much fun and freedom I had to live my life in my 20's.

The fact that they are not financially stable is reason enough not to do it, but then they are young and immature so won't even have considered that factor.

You could show her this thread, you can try and reason with her, but I suspect it will fall on deaf ears.

I agree that there are drawbacks to having children young and frankly having children in general, but I just can't understand this insistence that women who have children in their teens and early twenties are throwing their lives away

There is so much inaccuracy in that judgement. First of all, being a childless 20 year old does not automatically mean that you have bags and bags of disposable income to do all this world travelling etc. You're likely to be a student or in a min wage job. Secondly, not everyone thinks their dream lifestyle, even in their early twenties, is to be able to go out clubbing every weekend, and other such typical activities. I started "partying" at 16 and I was quite well through with it by the time I was approaching 19. Thirdly, stuff I do enjoy, like going to gigs and festivals, I bloody well still do - having children isn't an impossible barrier to leisure pursuits.

The drawbacks of having children are similar at any age you are, what tend to change are the pros at having them at different ages. Every parent will have to sacrifice time and money and energy into raising their children - and believe it or not, a 20 year old can enjoy and find fulfilment in making those sacrifices as much as a 35 year old can. The same goes for the throwing your life away bit - I assume you mean free time; perhaps I'm very much looking forward to being only in my early 40's and having 2 grown up children and lots of time to myself

I had my first dd at 21.

Of course we love and adore her, but I would be sad for my daughters if they were to be parents so young.

The responses on this thread are in my experience unusual. I befriended a lot of other young mums at that time (we are now mid-late 30s) and none, and I mean literally none, are still in a relationship with their child's father.
Most, bar those with exceptional family support (parents doing FT childcare) did not do well career wise or were able to buy property.
Most of them are now single mums, renting, working in a low paid job. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I'd be sad for my dd if that was the life she chose

As someone on the thread already said, those years are the only years where the most important person in your life is YOU.

In the kindest way possible, I don't think any first time mum to be knows how much a child will change your life. Your life, your thoughts, your body, your mind, will never be the same again. I don't just mean the physical exhaustion of looking after a baby or a child (although that too), but the mental exhaustion, the worry, the responsibility, the enormity of being 100% responsible for that child's needs. It is not something I would want for my 19 year old.
She should be enjoying her youth - I don't mean travelling and getting pissed, but by not being responsible for a completely dependent human being, especially with limited resources.

I'm sorry if young mums on this thread felt judged or offended.

Kerala my parents wanted all those things for me. What they failed to understand is I didn't want them. 5 years later our relationship is still terrible because they can't accept that I have made different choices. They are missing out on relationships with their beautiful grandchildren. Also since having children I have moved from my home town and now live in a different country and I have gone to university but that's by the by. If your DDs did want nappies and buggys rather than interailing and degrees would you really throw your relationship away? I think that's sad.

Annabelle you put that so well.

Annabelle has it spot on. The sheer weight of responsibility, physical and mental exhaustion that happens can not be explained to anyone who hasn't had a child.

As someone on the thread already said, those years are the only years where the most important person in your life is YOU.

^^This is HUGE. I didn't have that period in my life as I went from family home, to living with a boyfriend, marrying and first child at 25.

I certainly don't regret my children in any way, but not having that time in my life when I was independent, making my own choices of where to live, jobs/career etc with no other pressures/consideration has actually had repercussions even now. And regrets.

We don't know that they are planning on staying in the DP's parents' house. That is just their current situation. Are they planning on moving OP?

Also I'd just make the point that many people I know in their 30s are not in ideal situations to have children. Eg some are still single, or working in precarious sectors like the arts, or work that necessitates constant travel, or setting up new businesses, returned to university for further study or a change of career, in the case of London, have less than adequate accommodation even if they might have decent jobs...

As the "fertility window" for many of those women is closing, does that mean they should give up on ever having kids completely? No. People make do. And your kid grows up as your life progresses.

The situation of the OP's DD and DP maybe better than many of those people (we don't know all the details).

I'd still advise them to wait a few years, but some of the judgement on this thread is unwarranted.

I had mine in my 20s. I don't think she's too young at 20, but it would be sensible to get into a better position prior to having a baby. They are still living with parents so this would be the first thing to sort out.

Of course I wouldn't disown them and would support them I am not some Victorian matriarch . I would be fucking sad for them though for the reasons eloquently expressed by Annabelle

I had my first child at 21 and don’t regret it for a second.
But...I bought my own home at 19 and met DH a few weeks later (he had also just bought a flat). We got engaged within a few months and got married when I was 20. We both had reasonable jobs and didn’t need to claim any benefits.
I think age is only one factor for OPs daughter, her circumstances are not ideal for starting a family.

Its a hard one. On the balance of probability their relationship is more likely than not to fall away as the age they are at brings lots of life experience that can just send even the most loving couple along different lines.

However, I look around at a couple of my 35 year old friends who have either unsupportive partners hiding away under the “sorry love, working late again” excuse to absent themselves from family life and one peach in particular who expects his 36w pregnant wife to walk the dogs, keep the house spotless and make his dinner every night.

I also know one couple who have four kids; their first arrived when she was 16 and on paper it was doomed to fail. Twenty years later they are a great family and I’m envious at her having many freedoms at 36 as her children are old enough to look after themselves.

I would say that she needs to give it a couple of years and if they feel the same as she’s blowing out the candles on her 21st birthday cake then go for it (but preferably get hitched first).

Annabelle4

Actually, while I don't agree it's the most important thing that your parents agree with your life choices, I do agree with everything else you've said.

I tend to advocate a lot for young mothers because having children young, especially on MN, seems to come under fire quite a lot.

But the reality my personal experience of having children young probably is quite unusual. I have a DH a decade older than me so not in the same place in life i was, I have a very supportive, practically and emotionally, family, and I managed before I got pregnant to fall into a "career" type role that will be useful to my future and pays well (and has an amazing mat leave package). Had I got pregnant not much earlier, or by a different partner, I would have still been working in Costa and life would have been very different to what it has become.

I think you're right that for every girl who finds herself pregnant young and in a fortunate and stable position, there are plenty more for which this is not the case. And to relate it back to the OP, a 19 year old living with her 19 year old boyfriend's parents does not sound like the easiest situation in which to try and build a family.

*Also I'd just make the point that many people I know in their 30s are not in ideal situations to have children. Eg some are still single, or working in precarious sectors like the arts, or work that necessitates constant travel, or setting up new businesses, returned to university for further study or a change of career, in the case of London, have less than adequate accommodation even if they might have decent jobs...

As the "fertility window" for many of those women is closing, does that mean they should give up on ever having kids completely? No. People make do. And your kid grows up as your life progresses*

Completely agree with this.

Kerala I never said you'd disown them. My parents didn't disown me but they repeatedly made clear how sad/ disappointed/ heartbroken they where. Made comments on how I had ruined my life etc. That's what damaged our relationship beyond repair. They couldn't or wouldn't accept the life I'd chosen for myself. It didn't matter to them that I was happy. In fact I think they wished I was miserable so they could be proven right. That's why I think OP should proceed with caution how she approaches her DD. Asking her to wait until she's married and financially stable is fine. Bleating on about how she should want better will only cause conflict that may ruin her relationship with their adult daughter (who is old enough to make her own decisions) and any grandchildren who come along.

I think everyone projects their own experience on other people's lives. I'm doing it- I find parenting comes naturally and I love being a younger mum. But so are others. People who needed a lack of responsibility or travel or people who find parenting a long hard slog, are behaving as if everyone else is the same too.

Tell her to make her own money and enjoy it! Once you have a child there is no option to be selfish anymore. Tell her to go on holiday or travelling, spoil herself whilst she's young.
Her and her partner don't even have their own home or support themselves financially - they should be saving for a deposit if they want to raise a family together in the future and creating as much of a stable environment as they can. She wants a 'baby'..there's a massive difference between wanting a baby and raising a child.

I had mine at 22, and I wish to god I'd sorted my shit out and enjoyed myself more before I had him! I love my child but I resent myself for not living my own life first (never been on holiday, don't own anything nice, no chance to save for a home, missing out on so much with my friends and potential relationships)