To take offence at shitty comment

[Happyhippy45]

I posted on Facebook about something I'd bought with my birthday money.
I've been unable to work for over 2 years due to my disability and my days are difficult to fill as I'm more or less housebound. I bought an arts and crafts item to "keep me busy."
My SIL "liked" my post and then commented something along the lines of "very good, get on with it, but isn't it time you went back to work?"
It was followed by some hearts so does that mean there was no malice intended?
Her mum is always asking me if I'm back to work yet.
I'm trying not to get riled about it but I think it was such an insensitive comment. Should I forgive her ignorance or get her told!

OP... Give me her email address, I'm very good at these sorts of things . I totally understand your position and want to shake her for you. Well done to your son!!

@failing I also understand your sentiments too, but perhaps it could have been worded better or perhaps have a bit of understanding for different circumstances? I have always been desperate to work (see below), but I also fully understand that everyone is different and we all have different ways of coping with what life throws at us. Doesn't mean that because I continued working I thought that was the 'mindset' (as it was described) that all sick or disabled people should have, or someone else is wrong because they are unable to work regardless of how you or others perceive the person with disabilities.

@fontofallknowlwdge access to work isn't always as you describe... Their physical help side left me feeling totally suicidal, worthless and as though I had asked for the earth. I have to say here that the mental health side was amazing but their help could not be put into place until the physical help side did their bit. Eventually mental health had to cease offering help and advised me (and directed me as to how) to put in a formal complaint.

Background, so you understand my sudden downturn after their lack of understanding, empathy or help.

I have battled, with a significant disability for 20+ years, along with severe depression but I was determined to stay in work, for a few complex reasons. I retrained because no employer would take me on. I became a well respected, knowledgeable and experienced SELF EMPLOYED professional and all my many doctors were amazed.

I was happy to be working, loved my job, the responsibility and the respect, but stressed beyond belief.

I thought I was not coping with work because of my disability. I sincerely wish it had been just that.

I started having bizarre vision problems and very odd neurological issues that I put down to exacerbating my disability due to working, stress and depression of working with my disability. I lost my driving licence... I needed that to do the work I did.

And here comes the bit about FUCKING ACCESS TO WORK

I asked for help with driving to and from work, that was all. I asked if and/or how they could help me practically. They never answered my question, the one question they could help with. The mental health side suggested that because I was driving to and from different venues every day, between 20 and 200 miles a day, they didn't know what to do. They had me fill in so many forms, send in years worth of accounts, explain why my profit margin wasn't higher... the crap went on and on. In the end all communication from them stopped, I was never refused it, they just never had the fucking decency to say they didn't know how to arrange the assistance and process my (unusual) request.

Over the following 3 months I was diagnosed with a devastating eye condition, am now registered partially sighted, awaiting the quickly nearing day of graduating to becoming blind.

6 weeks after that I was diagnosed with a (severely) life limiting neurological condition.

The sad thing for me is that, I know without a doubt, that if I had been given that support from access to work I could still be managing part time work. However, I am at home, alone, useless, worthless and every single night when I go to bed I say to my dog something like "wouldn't it be lovely if we could die together tonight" but fuck, I'm still here

@OP I am so sorry if I hijacked your thread.... I had no idea how bad I was really feeling until reading your situation and the shitty crap from your family member. I genuinely hope things improve for you soon, until then, enjoy your crafts, and every time you move those needles, imagine them poking into her eyes

I know how you feel, I'm retired from work due to ill health, I've got CFS/ME, Fibromyalgia & mental health issues, my DB & SIL often make comments about how they work for a living. I honestly think that they imagine I spend my days shopping & having my hair & nails done, the reality is that most days it's a struggle to get washed & dressed. The one thing that keeps me sane is adult colouring books, I've had things like "we pay for you to stay at home & colour all day" thrown at me thrown at me. I'd love to be fit & well enough to go to work but it's not going to happen, they forget that I was working from being 17 while they were at college & university, I worked almost 30 years But I can't do it now.

I think the post was really mean and I am glad your ds pulled her up.
I think as a society we are obsessed with people doing paid work currently. Work can be a rewarding and positive thing but at other times no great merit was attached to working.
I don't work currently, dc go to school and I mooch a lot, this is because I am a trailing spouse. But no one had passed any judgment on me to my face.
It seems from this thread but being disabled and not working is particularly picked on, I would have thought it would have been more understood.

Failingat40 awful post! Thinly veiled condescending disablism dressed as compassion. And to THEN imply that posters who DO understand are the ones being disablist is utterly disgusting.

Have you even personally experienced long term sickness, disability (especially invisible)?

Attitudes like yours are causing serious illness even death when held by people in certain jobs in the benefits sector.

Even when people do recover from conditions good luck finding an employer that doesn't instantly bin their application!

Oh bloody hell there's 2 of em! Font - and how would everything you have described work with fluctuating conditions?

I have a physical disability plus several mh diagnoses. Between the spinal issue and the agoraphobia (4 months housebound this time, 10 months the last 8 months the time before) I cannot guarantee even being able (either physically or mentally) to leave home. Energy levels also fluctuate greatly. If I have a "busy" day (2-3 chores, couple phone calls, have a bath) the next day I'm fit for NOTHING physically or mentally, if it's a very busy day chances are a migraine will kick in too. Meds can affect me worse on some days than others with no warning... But yea not only pressure disabled people but fuck an employers business over because they're paying for an unreliable employee! Christ alive!!

As for all but accusing the op of lying - I have no words!

Op you are NOT unreasonable. I agree sometimes rise above - sometimes it's necessary to make a stand.

I've had similar crap from people. Especially as with mental illness apparently you can just "ignore it" "snap out of it" "not give in to it" certain relatives I simply don't speak to any more (one does actually work for dwp and is a bitch frankly. Another also works dwp and is complete opposite).

Think I'd say "ohhh you've discovered a cure for ms! Great! What is it?"

Loved reading your update you should be very proud of your son (and your husband needed a flea in his ear - not only about not telling sil but ALSO for the lack of support over the PUBLIC comment). So she's suitably shamed - has she PUBLICLY apologised seeing she was so happy to PUBLICLY shame you?

Your son handled this beautifully. How can a comment like that be funny. Some people are like this, their humour is always at someone's expense and usually directed to hit a nerve.

If she does stuff like this again, I would reply simply 'lol, I see you haven't lost your charm '

It signals you know what she is doing but also doesn't give the satisfaction of her thinking it hit a nerve. Never justify yourself to her.

All the best, I imagine life is hard enough without dealing with jokers like this.

OP you have raised a lovely son. You should be so of him and yourself

I hope you enjoy your new hobby. Even if it takes a while you will get there in the end. Just don't over push yourself.
Slow and steady wins that race as they say.
Best wishes

So, the situation is now resolved. SIL messaged me today and apologised for her comment. I would have just let it fester for ever but DS intervention sorted it all.
I'm still a bit pissed off by the comment but allegedly it was ignorance and not malice involved. Who knows. I'll just leave it at that and hopefully it won't happen again.

She should apologise on the Facebook post so everyone can see!

Well done to your son though.

Your ds sounds awesome! Good your sil apologised. She hopefully won’t say anything again. It doesn’t matter if it’s ignorance or stupidity. You don’t post shit like that to a disabled person or even an able bodied person for that matter. You ask them how they are.

@SaltyPeanut
Thanks. Tip of the iceberg unfortunately! After an event where he deliberately physically hurt me, I am nc.

I agree with delatron - public shitty comment = public apology needed.

What about the classic go-to:

“Did you mean to be so rude?”

A bit passive aggressive and blaming my OH for not keeping her informed about how bad things were.

Why does she need someone to 'keep her informed'? It's none of her earthly business. And anyway, her mother has asked about you working enough times that she must have the full picture by now, surely?

None of her apology explains posting such a public attack on you. You can't go around posting things on social media and then do a quiet 'oh I didn't realise things were that bad' in private. Her post is still there I assume? On your public Facebook page for everyone to see? She needs to amend that and apologise on Facebook.

Happyhippy45
I'm glad it's resolved, your son dealt with it wonderfully.

I find in these circumstances, that the delete button on FB is great . You can delete any selected comments on FB post you made. Once deleted, let the person ask you if they notice & care.

There's also a huge difference between sitting at home able to do craft activities for a couple hours when you are on a good day & able to at your own pace, near adapted facilities, and the sheer volume of barriers, pain & exhaustion to physically get ready for work by 7:30am, commute into work at rush hour, sit at a desk for 4-8 hour days without fail, cope with chronic pain and fatigue that'll be increased by that, and the stress of trying to keep a job you cant just not turn up to on repeated (maybe even majority) bad days that you can't move on.

Ignore those who lack understanding of the barriers you face just to achieve daily living tasks!! You shouldn't have to explain it. SIL made assumptions and poor ones at that. It might have been funny to her but it was a dig at your expense, that other fb friends & family could see and think her mean and insenstive. I'd explain it that way, if it comes up later in conversation.

I meant you can delete other's comments on a post you put up on FB via 3 dots RHS if you hover over their comment. (You don't need to delete your original post)

Hope you enjoy your new hobby OP a relative of mine is in a similar situation to you and has loved her crafting so much that she now has her own Etsy shop, she gives long lead times on items and will only take things on she is confident she can complete, so no pressure. Her DH does the post office run for her, and it's lifted her spirits amazingly. Good for you on deciding to do something different and your son sounds like a lovely boy.

To clarify I didn't mean as a wage, just if you find your house getting full of things you've made (like my family member did) you can sell a few on the side. I think for her is more the process and anything she 'earns' goes into new materials etc.

FASH yes he is a lovely boy but I can't call him that because he's nearly 21!

Yup, selling something I've made gives me a bit of a buzz.
The job I used to do was in the same vein but not crafting.....it was cooking.

I feel it's a shame when people are diagnosed with a medical condition, feel they 'can't work' rather than having a mindset of what they can do
Great well why don’t you get every disabled person and everyone with a severe medical condion and you can talk to them about what they can do and then you can go out and find the perfect jobs that they can all do and employers that are willing to employ someone with a disability
When I was dignosed with epilepsy I managed to work for 15 years afterwards, I had three jobs in that time and a least five times in each job I had bosses tell me I was a burden and I should be trying harder to get well.
Funny enough I never even received a warning for any of them them as they never had objections that would stick in employment law but still they made my life hell especially in the last job which my husband made me leave as it was breaking me.
Yet I get pig ignorant people telling me to focus on what I can do-
Ok then- So you find me the job that I can do while having over 15 seizures a week which take me hours to recover my memory from plus the fact that most of them cause me to piss and shit myself. Oh yeah and the employer that will employ me

Sorry Happyhippy45 for having a rant on your thread

Passive aggressive

Rant away windermere

Until you've been chronically ill, you don't understand what it does to your MH.

I'm hopefully working towards going back to work and have been looking at Voluntary work. I cant craft because of nerve damage in my hands from medication. One type of voluntary work that would suit me is a telephone 'buddy'. Another is a reading scheme. But its having the confidence to make that step. I haven't had proper conversations with anyone outside of the Family, in two years.

Getting better is a double edged sword. I'm ecstatic to be able to leave the house, but it reminds me of my limitations and people's arseholeness around disability, which I can ignore pottering around the house. Every thread about what gets people angry features "slow walkers", " "people who take their time doing simple things" etc, both of which I come under. Very few people realise the side effects that new/invasive treatments do and of course you "look normal".

When you are fighting to improve things/keep going, being told that you are even getting being disabled wrong, isn't any help. That's without the resentment that you exist, at all, whilst you can't work.

Glad it's resolved and your ridiculous sil put in her place.

You can delete her comment from FB if you like. I have a rule that if people write a comment I don't like, then I remove it. My FB, my rules ;-)

winderemere

Great post. Exactly. Until a person is chronically ill / disabled, they have no concept of what life is really like for so many people. Even at my better points, I struggle to understand the concept of how ill I was before. I think it’s a coping mechanism for and to wallow in pity for myself would be bad for my mental health.