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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take offence at shitty comment

151 replies

Happyhippy45 · 25/04/2018 12:51

I posted on Facebook about something I'd bought with my birthday money.
I've been unable to work for over 2 years due to my disability and my days are difficult to fill as I'm more or less housebound. I bought an arts and crafts item to "keep me busy."
My SIL "liked" my post and then commented something along the lines of "very good, get on with it, but isn't it time you went back to work?"
It was followed by some hearts so does that mean there was no malice intended?
Her mum is always asking me if I'm back to work yet.
I'm trying not to get riled about it but I think it was such an insensitive comment. Should I forgive her ignorance or get her told!

OP posts:
TomRavenscroft · 25/04/2018 14:11

If she's your dh side of the family they will undoubtedly be critical of him having to step up and take on all the financial and household responsibility.

One would hope that, regardless of which side of the family she's on, she would be able to understand the fairly simple concept of the OP not being able to work and her and her DH being a team. I would assume that if it were the other way round, the OP would be happy to take on all the responsibilities, and, again, one would hope that she, as a functioning adult, could understand that too.

And do eff off with your 'I feel it's a shame when people are diagnosed with a medical condition, feel they 'can't work' rather than having a mindset of what they can do'. How do you dare say that? The OP has stated that she's more or less housebound, can only recently carry a cup of tea across the room without using a walker and can only drive for a few minutes.

PetulantPolecat · 25/04/2018 14:15

Depending on the nature of your disability and how much you want to put her back in her place...

SIL, I’d kill to be able to go back to work. No really, I would. To get my independence, to get my freedom back, to not be housebound. To not have my disability.

I can only pray and in the meantime be thankful what I do have - family who love and support me. Isn’t it time you started acting like family?

Add lots of hearts

AmericanEskimoDoge · 25/04/2018 14:18

YANBU to be offended. She can spend all day wondering about your situation, being "puzzled" by it whatever but there's no reason to ask you about it like that-- especially on a public forum, in response to something that had absolutely nothing to do with your health/work situation!

Sounds like the heart emojis are just a weak attempt to make her rude comment less objectionable. Really, it's none of her business! Even if you weren't physically unable to go back to work, that's between you and your husband. There's absolutely no reason for her to butt in with passive aggressive questions.

glasshalffull2018 · 25/04/2018 14:19

I agree with the first comment! I’m recently recovering from back surgery and I hated when people before my op kept saying when are you going back to work etc, tell them when are you going to stop being an insensitive cow. They days are really difficult to fill so well done on finding something to keep busy! Just ignore them they don't understand, they will when they get their own health problems later on in life

SarfE4sticated · 25/04/2018 14:20

Could you just say "I wish! Can't even carry a cup of tea, so not very likely though. Your support means the world though

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/04/2018 14:21

You've been signed off by a medical profession. Take no notice of the idiot.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/04/2018 14:22

Professional medic ratherHmm

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 25/04/2018 14:24

Reply with: «I would very happily do your job if you take on my disability»

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/04/2018 14:27

I call them the too much to say while saying fuck all brigade

kateandme · 25/04/2018 14:29

eatthechocolateteapot PERFECT!!

Waggingmyginger · 25/04/2018 14:32

I just read where you said she usuallysaves her bitching for closefamiky. Maybe "oh yeay I must be considered family now to get one of your special comments".
Nasty cow. I hope the craft goes well. I am currently failing to get going on a handful of projects. Crafters block?

Weezol · 25/04/2018 14:36

Eat YES! I have said something similar to a now ex friend.
'I'll swap you my disability for your job then. You'll have to toughen up a bit though, you're a tart about taking Anadin, so 40 plus tablets a day might be a bit of a challenge, alongside living on 6k a year'.

Juells · 25/04/2018 14:41

More handy cross-stitching to do and give her as a present.

To take offence at shitty comment
Cornishclio · 25/04/2018 14:47

Your SIL is rude and thoughtless and sticking a comment like that on a public facebook page is a horrible and nasty thing to do. I would definitely rebuff it with " Much as I would love to get back to work, my disability renders me virtually housebound as you well know".

SandAndSea · 25/04/2018 15:18

I'm re-wording what I wrote before. I would be tempted to write this (I think it's better):

As you know, I'm living with significant disability. Isn't it time you learnt to be sensitive to other people's feelings?

The more I think about it, the more I think she needs to be called on how she's treated you. If you don't, you're letting everyone who sees it or hears about it know that they can get away with trashing you.

Willow2017 · 25/04/2018 15:35

i think whether you're unreasonable to take offence to her comment depends on why you're off work and what job role you used to do.

If she's your dh side of the family they will undoubtedly be critical of him having to step up and take on all the financial and household responsibility

I feel it's a shame when people are diagnosed with a medical condition, feel they 'can't work' rather than having a mindset of what they can do.

Wow talk about PA' ness!

Op has said why she cant work. How patronising to post something that is basically telling her its just her mindset thats wrong and if she really wanted to she could find work.

Thats as bad as sils fb comment.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/04/2018 15:44

Make her one of these
wildamor.com/diy-barbed-wire-bracele/

Leave it spiky

Failingat40 · 25/04/2018 15:44

Where did I say it's all in ops head?

I said it depends on what type of work she was doing previously and what her medical issues are now. She may not be able to whatever job she was doing before but that doesn't mean she can't work in another capacity.

Are you seriously implying that people with medical conditions/disabled people can't be of benefit to society and work!?

You do realise that although op perhaps can't do a physical job she can type/use a computer/talk on the phone?!

Writing people off as being disabled/unfit to work AT ALL in any capacity is wrong and downright offensive to disabled people.

Weezol · 25/04/2018 16:02

Failing People with disabilities have to justify themselves to family, friends, medical staff, employers and benefit agencies repeatedly. I know, because I have to.

Nobody has mentioned 'writing off' the OP at all, and I think others wanting you to justify yourself on an anonymous forum to random strangers is a taking things too far.

maxthemartian · 25/04/2018 16:13

Failing your post was extremely patronising. I'm sure OP would know if she was able to work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2018 16:15

Failing.
You clearly have no concept of what it is like to live with disabilities. Plenty of people with mobility issues can and do work including those in a wheelchair. Not all of us have enough energy or mobility or possibly both to look after ourselves let alone work. It’s not a one size fits all 🙄.

TomRavenscroft · 25/04/2018 16:16

Failing, either you're being deliberately obtuse or you're actually a bit hard of reading and comprehension.

Do you honestly think the OP left her job as (say), a bricklayer because she was unable to do hard physical work, and hasn't given a thought to the possibility of being fit for another kind of work?

Are you seriously implying that people with medical conditions/disabled people can't be of benefit to society and work!?

and

Writing people off as being disabled/unfit to work AT ALL in any capacity is wrong and downright offensive to disabled people.

are hugely disingenuous things to say.

Willow2017 · 25/04/2018 16:24

Failing

Your post clearly states ops inlaws will be p'd off at her dp having to work and she doesnt like its ops choice not to work.

You also said that her reaction to the comment depended on her reason for being off work. Like she plucked some 'reason' out of thin air and she needs to prove why she cant work to randoms on the internet.

The other part shows just how much shit people with disabilities or medical conditions have to put up with on a daily basis. "I am sure you could find some work to do." A relative of mine got this from his last disability review dr who was retired 20 years and admitted they had no experience of his condition but still stopped his disability allowance. Job centre agree nobody will employ him due to the condition and how it affects him plus the regular in hospital treatments he has to have but their hands are tied. Looking at him you wouldnt know what was wrong with him so i suppose you would deem him 'fit to work' too.

Op has said she would love to get back in to work but at the moment her condition makes it impossible. Many people with disabilities work, you dont need to point out the obvious but thats irrelevant in this thread and it's pretty crap saying it to a poster who cant.

trickyboots · 25/04/2018 16:55

"Thanks for the love, not sure if you knew I'm disabled and unable to work at the moment ☹️"

Idontdowindows · 25/04/2018 16:56

I feel it's a shame when people are diagnosed with a medical condition, feel they 'can't work' rather than having a mindset of what they can do.

Or, you know, seeing as the OP can barely manage to carry a cup of tea, or can barely walk even with a rolling frame, you should shut up and stop being Judgy McJudgypants.

Jesus wept, what IS it? The OP is DISABLED. If you don't know what being disabled entails (and sadly even some people with disabilities don't), then shut the fuck up about the OP.

You're not her doctor. You're not her husband. You don't get to judge her medical issues OR her capacity to work.

You work for DWP or something?

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