I told my 12 yo DD that she was putting on weight

[hopefullhelpful]

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading another thread and talking to my mum. Have donned protective gear and am prepared for flaming...

Since starting high school in Sept DD (who has only grown 2 cm in that time) has put on a stone. I know this because she has a minor medical condition which means she was weighed in September and again recently- I don't do this myself. She's still JUST in the healthy BMI range but has basically moved from the lower end of the range to the top. I assumed this was puberty as we eat healthily at home and I can see online what food she's buying for school lunches. However I cleaned her cesspit room recently and found loads of sweet wrappers- a whole bedroom bins-worth!
I had a chat with her about healthy eating and also explained that this was why she keeps complaining that she's run out of allowance. She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

I did think carefully about the character of my daughter before answering. She's emotionally hugely robust and confident, and has no issues with food so I thought an honest conversation would work. She herself pointed out that her beloved skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable and she was feeling a bit self conscious in the tiny skirt she has to wear for gym class. We had a conversation about sugar and decided she'd just stop buying sweets, not trying to loose any weight but just maintain as she is- she's growing now so we presume she'll get taller and it'll even out a bit.

It appears to be working- no more sweet wrappers, lots of allowance left in her account, she's going for the odd run at night- all good. Then she went to my mum's house and refused some chocolate buttons and All Hell has broken loose. According to my mum I've messed up badly, you should never mention weight to an impressionable child and I've set her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. Mum said I should have found a way to manage it without talking to her about it or saying that she was on track to be overweight, but short of not giving her any allowance (and not explaining why) I'm at a loss as to how else I could have managed. Then I read another thread full of people telling a Father not to ever mention her weight to his daughter and began to wonder.... have I messed up?

She is aware of her weight now when she wasn't before and is obviously thinking about it as she's refusing sweets and going running. She's still eating healthy meals at home and not refusing pudding on Sundays, but there is an interest now that there wasn't before. I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it) which is something she'd never have done before. I think I'm feeling sad that she's doing this at 12 and am genuinely wondering if I've stuffed up and if so how I could have managed it better.

Personally I think you handled it fine. what would your other option be? Keep finding the sweet wrappers, wait until she is overweight and then mention it? You weren't horrid to her, she asked you a question and you gave her an honest answer with good reasoning. As for you mum, how can you manage the situation without talking to her. Don't take it to heart, I think you've handled it just fine.

I don't think you have, you didn't call her fat bit you did answer honestly and what was the alternative? No sweetie, you can eat ask the crap you want and you won't event get overweight is just lying.

I'd try and check in the next time she's counting the calories or refusing and reinforce that she just needs a good balance. Also make sure you don't discuss your weight, how healthy / unhealthy treats are.

She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

No, you were honest with her! She asked. If she didn't want the truth she wouldn't have asked.

I may be against the grain a bit here but imo it's better to have these difficult conversations, especially when you have already found evidence she's binging and she's expressed concern about her weight herself, than for it to just continue, her put weight on, be miserable about it and it take even longer to shift.

I imagine many adults or teens who are overweight or obese would have preferred support from their parents at that age to nip it in the bud before it got really bad.

Looking at the nutritional content isn't a bad thing in itself either, she's at an age where she's taking an interest in what she eats and how she takes care of her body, that's a good thing!

Keep an eye and if she seems to be losing weight drastically or refusing to eat regular portions of food you can revisit but I think you've done some good parenting here, not shying away from a difficult topic that came up.

And tell your mother to butt out of criticising your parenting.

I’m really sorry to say it but yes I think you’ve made a BIG. Mistake. I normally hate some of the mum flaming threads and I know you said it with a good heart but you’re her mum. There were ways around it- you do the shopping, show concern for her teeth not her waist line etc. However it’s no good me saying this now. IMHO damage control is needed ASAP. It’s obviosly had an affect as she has changed her food choices already but I think you need to chat about it. I know you probably feel rubbish about hurting her feelings but it does need sorting. Good luck.

Part of being a good parent is ensuring your child is relatively healthy. You've spotted that she's heading towards being overweight and the possible reason why, and so you're addressing it supportively. That is great!

I don’t often reply to things, but I wanted to say I don’t think you have. I think you had a respectful and honest conversation with her, without going overboard. Why not just revisit the topic and highlight you’re really proud of the changes she’s made as it’s not easy to do, but that it’s also okay to have occasional treats and you’re a bit worried you gave her the impression it isn’t. I think that would give her an opportunity to talk to you about where’s she’s at with it all, and will hopefully put your mind at rest.

I think the way you phrased it is fine, especially as she is confident. You didn't say "you are fat."

I’d be interested in why she was secretly eating sweets.

I think you’ve handled it well. If you’d called her fat, different, but you haven’t. Just watch she doesn’t get too obsessive about it, and make all your chats about Food lighthearted. And NEVER express approval for her not eating chocolate or whatever, as in, ‘well done for not eating the chocolate’ it’s fine (IMO) to talk about making healthier choices (and that includes things like as you say, still having a pudding on a Sunday) but you don’t want her to think you’re actively praising her for not eating junk if that makes sense? Just more general chat about a healthier lifestyle. Eating and teens is such a complex issue OP. But I don’t think you’ve handled it badly.

The failure or unwillingness of some parents to address these issues is part of the problem IMO. I don't think you did the wrong thing at all.

I had my torch ready... but I didn't need it, at all. You handled the situation well, you weren't critical of her. You just pointed out what could happen if she carries on with the way she is. Bravo! Your mum is over-reacting, don't listen to her.

Good if shes over weight now and you don't say anything she'll get worse and worse and be u healthy as an adult. Good on you. I tell mine can't have to much sugar it's bad for you. And she's a lot younger if she starts putting on weight I'll change something. At 12 I would tell them straight up too. They will thank you when she's older especially if you give her healthy food and support her in a fitness group running swimming something like that.

I think you did reasonably well, actually. The other thread (where the OP got a well-deserved kicking) was about an adult who had not asked for any advice. You seem to have emphasised the fact that eating lots and lots of sweets is not a great idea, rather than pushing the idea that girls must be thin or No Man Will Want them.

What a lovely thread. It's heartening to see so many people in agreement that OP did a good job here!

orchidflower OP’s DD needed to change her food choices - if she’d continued as was she would’ve ended up with health problems, undoubtedly. you cannot eat that much sugar without ill effects.

OP honestly I think you’ve handled this well. It’s a fine tightrope to walk but has to be done - sounds like you managed to be truthful and straightforward in a kind way. Obviously keep a weather eye on things and maybe make it more about health than appearance - but you don’t need to pretend that the latter is totally unimportant either. Just that it’s not the main concern.

I think you handled it really well. People will project their own sensitivities about weight on to this thread though.

Not sure whether you were right or wrong but I would have done the same.

I think you did really well.

Nah, you did good OP 👍🏼

Orchidflower1 Why not show concern for her waistline? There is no need for that to be connected to image or appearance. Waistline is a significant indicator of health. Of course you're concerned for your child's health.

We need to eat decently, exercise and maintain a normal weight to be healthy. Ignoring that is wrong.

I think there’s other stuff going on. She asked you, “Am I fat?” so the thought was there. She doesn’t live in a bubble. She will have seen other girls at school, probably talking about weight and appearance and she is at the age approaching puberty where these things are more important. I don’t think you triggered anything by what you said. I think she was already thinking she was “fat”, by noticing her clothes beginning to feel uncomfortable and probably by the voiced concerns and thought of her peers. This is a real worry for me too.
I have an 10 yr old DD who loves food and is inclined to be a little heavier than some girls her age. My DS is stick thin, we are always trying to get him to eat more, but at the same time, restrict DDs intake without any mention of being overweight, reducing calories, diets etc. It’s really hard, but I always put it in terms of healthy eating. Big portions are a ‘strain on her digestive system and will make her feel sick’. Sweets are generally prohibited for both, though is not an issue as they both like fruit more, but again I explain the effects of refined sugar, so the odd biscuit is fine.
I’d see what she is looking for on the labels. If it’s calories, maybe diverting her to thinking about healthy foods rather than high or low calories. Fruit smoothies are healthy (mine love making their own - banana, nectarine, strawberries in fresh coconut milk (not the thick canned stuff)). She may be more interested in helping cook new recipes too.

Why not just revisit the topic and highlight you’re really proud of the changes she’s made as it’s not easy to do, but that it’s also okay to have occasional treats and you’re a bit worried you gave her the impression it isn’t.

I like that advice, but I'm not an expert. I do have a son who started high school in September and his diet is sooo unhealthy whereas when he had a packed lunch, it was a lot better. We said he should only have fizzy drinks available in the vending machine once or twice a week and he did listen to that.

You did a really good job. I’m impressed. For what it’s worth my DD (9) is going to struggle with her weight (due to body type) and we have lots of conversations about good nutrition and keeping fit. I don’t mention weight but just try to instill keeping fit into her daily routine so it becomes the norm for her. Conversely youngest DD is super skinny and we still have conversations about good nutrition and try to get her to work on core strength rather than CV fitness. (They both dance crazy amount of hours and this is to complement their dancing, their choice, not mine).

I think you did fine OP. You would have been wrong to ignore it. If she had carried on the habit would be far harder to stop.

You rightly focussed on the health impact of her behaviour. Hopefully she won't become overly concerned about reading labels etc and will just absorb it into her normal lifestyle.