I told my 12 yo DD that she was putting on weight

[hopefullhelpful]

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading another thread and talking to my mum. Have donned protective gear and am prepared for flaming...

Since starting high school in Sept DD (who has only grown 2 cm in that time) has put on a stone. I know this because she has a minor medical condition which means she was weighed in September and again recently- I don't do this myself. She's still JUST in the healthy BMI range but has basically moved from the lower end of the range to the top. I assumed this was puberty as we eat healthily at home and I can see online what food she's buying for school lunches. However I cleaned her cesspit room recently and found loads of sweet wrappers- a whole bedroom bins-worth!
I had a chat with her about healthy eating and also explained that this was why she keeps complaining that she's run out of allowance. She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

I did think carefully about the character of my daughter before answering. She's emotionally hugely robust and confident, and has no issues with food so I thought an honest conversation would work. She herself pointed out that her beloved skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable and she was feeling a bit self conscious in the tiny skirt she has to wear for gym class. We had a conversation about sugar and decided she'd just stop buying sweets, not trying to loose any weight but just maintain as she is- she's growing now so we presume she'll get taller and it'll even out a bit.

It appears to be working- no more sweet wrappers, lots of allowance left in her account, she's going for the odd run at night- all good. Then she went to my mum's house and refused some chocolate buttons and All Hell has broken loose. According to my mum I've messed up badly, you should never mention weight to an impressionable child and I've set her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. Mum said I should have found a way to manage it without talking to her about it or saying that she was on track to be overweight, but short of not giving her any allowance (and not explaining why) I'm at a loss as to how else I could have managed. Then I read another thread full of people telling a Father not to ever mention her weight to his daughter and began to wonder.... have I messed up?

She is aware of her weight now when she wasn't before and is obviously thinking about it as she's refusing sweets and going running. She's still eating healthy meals at home and not refusing pudding on Sundays, but there is an interest now that there wasn't before. I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it) which is something she'd never have done before. I think I'm feeling sad that she's doing this at 12 and am genuinely wondering if I've stuffed up and if so how I could have managed it better.

I think it was absolutely the right thing. Part of being healthy is learning about eating well. That is all you have done. I was a very skinny child and adult who could guzzle vast amounts of chocolate without getting fatter, actually now I’ve had babies and a thyroid issue, I can no longer do that, but changing the habits of a lifetime is so hard, and I am now a bit too chubby. Learning at her age to be conscious of what you eat, while not being obsessive, and enjoying food, is. Good thing for her whole life.
Oh and all my friends, and I did get a little bit chubbier the year before our big puberty growth, so that will be a factor too, typical to get a bit chubbier at 12 to fuel puberty, it is normal.

I think you dealt with that just right. I teach my DCs that we can have everything in moderation and we don't go overboard on junk as it's not healthy for us, I never mention weight with it. I don't like that my eldest checks the nutritional content though, although he still has it. I think more parents should do this as they are hugely in denial about their clearly fat children and insist they are perfectly healthy while feeding them tons of shit food.

I think you did REALLY well .. and your mum should butt out

I also think you handled it well - although I would discourage her from picking low-sugar instead, just limit the amount of sweets entirely. But from what you've said, that's what she's doing, so no problem. And she's turned to exercise as well, which, so long as she doesn't OVER-do it, is no bad thing.

I'd be interested to see what your mother's issues with her own weight are - you've already said that there is some equivalence between food and nurture in her head, but does she have weight issues herself? Has she had?

As you said, you didn't just do this wildly and blindly, you considered what sort of personality your DD had before you said anything so I think you did do the right thing. If you had had a neurotic and anxious DD who was very image-conscious, then I would have agreed more with your mother - but you don't.

Absolutely on your side with this one hopefullhelp. You handled it very well.
I did the same with my DD when she was 14. Just had a chat with her about food choices, especially outside of home. She got the hint and it never caused any issues with her weight. Neither of us are very tall so every couple pounds shows.
I'm the same with my DS too. He plays rugby so is always wantind to put on weight and bulk. At Christmas he was actually looking a bit podgy. He subsequently got really bad tonsillitis and lost a few kg. Told me the other day that he is much happier with his physique since he's lost the weight.
We are a sporty family so very aware of eating well and keeping fit and healthy.
And yes of course we want to look good in what we wear. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It's all the pussyfooting about talking to people about their weight issues that's causing many of the obesity problems not just here but worldwide.

Have not rtft. I think it's fine but I would have added that girls typically gain a few kg of fat in puberty (boys gain muscle).

Sounds like you did the right thing.

I think an adjustment period around puberty is quite normal, as you are still eating like a kid while getting an adults body. I remember thinking its an annoying myth that teenagers are skinny - the "curviest" I've ever been was prob when i was about 13 - but my eating and body soon settled down.

Do keep an eye though - because I think for many when you realise you actually have to start watching what you eat, it goes too far the other way.

I had bulimia as a teenager and I’m sorry I am in the camp that it’s not a good idea to draw attention to a child’s weight/body. You said yourself she was in the right category for her age and height - just the upper end. The sweets issue is bad whether is she underweight or overweight - I think it’s about healthy eating and protecting her teeth rather than her getting fat.

I think you handled it well. Pretending that obesity or a diet high in refined sugars doesn't cause health problems is a massive issue at the moment. People do need to be mindful of what they put in their body, especially as we now know that being overweight or obese is the biggest risk factor of preventable cancers after smoking.

If we can't discuss weight, it becomes increasingly difficult to discuss issues caused by it, or how to prevent issues occurring.

Bravo.
I think you’ve done absolutely the right thing. Obesity is the biggest health issue. It’s also very easy to ignore until eating patterns are entrenched.

Your mother is the problem here. You sound like a sensible, caring, sensitive parent and it's clear that your discussion made your DD think and change the way she behaves about sweets. I think you did really well. Why would your mother offer her chocolate in the first place, presumably she too can see that your DD has gained weight? I would tell her very firmly to not interfere.

I’m very much against fat shaming and I think what you said was fine and struck the right note. My grandparents used to stuff me with sweets with the result that I had a lot of weight problems as a child - wish my parents had intervened more. Your DM is overreacting completely.

Some of these threads honestly upset me, because they remind me of how badly my mum handled this (because of her own eating disorder), which contributed to where I am today. Food = shame, lack of control, reward, all sorts of bullshit.

I honestly think you did really well. She is making conscious choices to eat more healthily and doesn't appear to be taking it too far.

I WOULD have another conversation with her to keep it up though - tell her you're proud of her learning about conscious choices, turning down bad ones, and don't forget to enjoy herself.

You did the right thing.

Your mother seems to be unhappy that she's not longer able to overfeed your daughter.

When I had bulimia as a teenager I was not overweight and I had never been overweight. It was about control - there is so much change as a teenager - children with eating disorders can get some comfort from feeling like they have some control over something. I think your daughter saying no to chocolate buttons is not a big deal - but I think for you, your daughter checking the nutritional value of smoothies...lots of extra running might be ringing alarm bells for you. If I was you I would have a chat to your doctor about what signs to look for that she is perhaps heading down a path that you don’t want her to go. I remember my mother made a comment about my body shape when I was your daughters age - I can’t say it was the reason I developed an eating disorder as I know there were other factors - but my mothers comments did make me look at my body in a more critical light.

I think you did a great job and I've done similar with my kids. I was affected a lot by how my parents dealt with this situation when I was younger. They did it badly. Told me off for being greedy, told me off whenever I ate a snack, tried to bribe me to lose weight, made fun of me in front of other people for being fat, went on about it all the time. That's the sort of thing that causes issues. Telling kids how to eat healthy is good parenting. We need to be less extreme in our approach. Saying nothing and letting them eat what they like when they like is not the way forward. They are still learning and need our guidance after all.

IMHO damage control is needed ASAP. It’s obviosly had an affect as she has changed her food choices already

And why’s that a problem when she was eating crap and about to become overweight at 12 years old?

Your own mother sounds like the issue here OP, you sound like a great mum :)

Saying she has no issues around food and also that she was secretly binge eating sweets is contradictory. Her age is interesting, after starting secondary school I went from being a cocky confident child to being an incredibly unhappy and insecure teen, and comfort ate in secret - I'd sell things of mine to friends so I could afford more sweets and chocolate, I'd eat a whole box of Roses in a weekend. I wouldn't have if I had been happy. If I were you I'd worry less about the weight, more about the why of things. There may be more going on than meets the eye.

Another voice to add to those who say you did the right thing!

You handled it well. Keep an eye on your DD in case she starts going to far but it sounds like she is just being sensible with. Her eating and activity.

Honestly it sounds like your mum is the one with food problems. It sounds like she equates food with love. Perhaps your mum likes being generous Granny who gives DD sweets and the real issue for her is your DD is no longer a little child whose affection can easily be garnered with treats. Is there another way you can suggest for your mum to feel close to DD that isn't focused on sugar? I don't know like painting nails or something?

Well handied op. Your mum is wrong.

Me and my teen dds exercise together too and do a Zumba class and swim together. That could suit you too? It’s a great bonding laugh too

I think you did it just right. Your daughter is now treating food sensibly and taking control. She's making wise choices and developing a healthy habit to both food choices and exercise. She is at an age where she can source her own food so it is sensible that she has the knowledge to make right choices and develop good attitudes.

The whole never mention weight blah blah is ridiculous. Of course there are right ways and wrong ways to deal with this but to never mention and discuss is just ridiculous. How else will children develop healthy habits? Let them carry on eating what they wish, No exercise and tell them they're not overweight when they are? That is a sure route to eating problems. Don't tell them they are on a road that could lead to weight issues? Again just another way to ensure a problem later. Easier to nip a potential problem than to solve. You approached this sensitively. Stay focused on the healthy message, which includes not being underweight, - don't obsess and then she won't.

I also think you did the right thing. But definitely monitor it closely now (especially things like obsessing over nutritional info, regularly weighing herself etc). My eating disorder started at 15 with an honest resolve to eat more healthily and lose just a bit of weight responsibly. I don't know how it snowballed, but it did, and it took years to get back from the edge. But I think my background was very different as I had a slim mother who let me eat all the chocolate I wanted as a younger teenager and never mentioned my weight once, paired against a very overweight father who was almost aggressive about wanting me to eat puddings constantly and then heavily criticised my weight gain. So I was definitely starting from a more fragile place. My point is I think you've done everything right, just keep an eye on things going forwards and if you think things are escalating take action sooner rather than later.

I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it)

Amazing parenting! You have equipped her to make her own choices to stay healthy. You didn't judge her or make her feel ashmed of her body, just had a chat about how to make good choices for her future and how to take responsibility for her own health and well-being.

As has been said up-thread, now is the time to comment that you've noticed the change in her behavours and choices, and that you're really impressed by the way she is taking responsibility for her health.

And there is nothing wrong wither her turning down chocolate buttons from your mum. It is, after all, your DD's choice as to whether she wants chocolate buttons or not. At 12, she's not a young child but is growing into a young adult.

In my experience with my own daughter girls can get a little chubby at this age then they suddenly shoot up and look like bambi. My daughter had some puppy fat, she then suddenly shot up hugely in a very short space of time and suddenly became very slim, becayse her body weight didn't increase at the same time.

I honestly don't know how else you could have handled it. But I would now be watching her carefully as she could be developing an eating disorder. If she starts to drop weight and she has a growth spurt at the same time, you're going to have a skinny girl on your hands.

The whole thing is an absolute minefield. I think my only advice would be to watch her carefully. Don't let her go too far down the route of exercise and controlled eating and watch for the growth spurts, because her body will change with them and you might get a whole different scenario on your hands.