I told my 12 yo DD that she was putting on weight

[hopefullhelpful]

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading another thread and talking to my mum. Have donned protective gear and am prepared for flaming...

Since starting high school in Sept DD (who has only grown 2 cm in that time) has put on a stone. I know this because she has a minor medical condition which means she was weighed in September and again recently- I don't do this myself. She's still JUST in the healthy BMI range but has basically moved from the lower end of the range to the top. I assumed this was puberty as we eat healthily at home and I can see online what food she's buying for school lunches. However I cleaned her cesspit room recently and found loads of sweet wrappers- a whole bedroom bins-worth!
I had a chat with her about healthy eating and also explained that this was why she keeps complaining that she's run out of allowance. She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

I did think carefully about the character of my daughter before answering. She's emotionally hugely robust and confident, and has no issues with food so I thought an honest conversation would work. She herself pointed out that her beloved skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable and she was feeling a bit self conscious in the tiny skirt she has to wear for gym class. We had a conversation about sugar and decided she'd just stop buying sweets, not trying to loose any weight but just maintain as she is- she's growing now so we presume she'll get taller and it'll even out a bit.

It appears to be working- no more sweet wrappers, lots of allowance left in her account, she's going for the odd run at night- all good. Then she went to my mum's house and refused some chocolate buttons and All Hell has broken loose. According to my mum I've messed up badly, you should never mention weight to an impressionable child and I've set her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. Mum said I should have found a way to manage it without talking to her about it or saying that she was on track to be overweight, but short of not giving her any allowance (and not explaining why) I'm at a loss as to how else I could have managed. Then I read another thread full of people telling a Father not to ever mention her weight to his daughter and began to wonder.... have I messed up?

She is aware of her weight now when she wasn't before and is obviously thinking about it as she's refusing sweets and going running. She's still eating healthy meals at home and not refusing pudding on Sundays, but there is an interest now that there wasn't before. I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it) which is something she'd never have done before. I think I'm feeling sad that she's doing this at 12 and am genuinely wondering if I've stuffed up and if so how I could have managed it better.

I'm on the fence.

Reading what you said it sounds ok but her behaviour would concern me.

She's at the age where many girls start to develop eating disorders even without conversations like this.

I'd definitely focus any further chats on health over weight.

You did great, OP.

I think the approach I see a lot on here, which is that you're never supposed to tell your kids that scoffing sweets and chocolate might make them fat, but pussyfoot around it suggesting extra walks together or something, is massively indicative of the problems we have as a society - 1/5 of kids are overweight or obese when they start school, and 1/3 of kids are overweight or obese by Y6.

Being fat is not necessarily going to make you ill, but it's an absolutely mahoosive risk factor, and actually I think it's good parenting to be making that point.

Children will not get an eating disorder just because their parents explain to them why crappy food is bad for them and establish some healthy limits on what and how much their kids eat. They really won't - the roots of eating disorders are way more complex than that. I actually think it's fine to praise her for not eating junk - she needs that active support when so many teens are eating so badly.

The evidence isn't great for exercise actually reducing overweight and obesity in kids, so I wouldn't go too full-on on that (though obviously being active is good anyway) - just make sure that she understands the food angle.

^^ Sorry, looks as though I'm responding direct to Puglife's post above, but posted at the same time!

I think you did the right thing. It's better to prevent gaining too much weight than trying to lose it later on.
If all she's doing is not eating sweets and having a more active life style, then great.

I'd question why your mum was giving her sweets and is upset about it. She should be on board with healthy eating.

Remind her, and your DD, that apart from weight, her teeth are at risk and she could develop diabetes from eating too much concentrated sugar.

Apart from any aesthetic concerns, obesity carries risks of heart problems and diabetes, joint problems, etc. That's where you should focus.

My 3yo DD wants to eat a lot. And it's sweet things she often asks for. I am not as restrictive as I should be about the DCs diet tbh but I do have to refuse her sometimes on the basis of 'eating more than we need isn't good for our bodies, DD' or 'we can't have sugary things all the time, only sometimes, as it isn't good for our bodies'.

I don't and wouldn't ever link it to her appearance (I was an overweight child and my parents didn't handle it well at all) but I have to teach them how to look after their bodies.

I too think you had the right approach. Out of interest, is she growing slowly because she's had her growth spurt and is nearly finished growing, or because she hasn't yet started her growth spurt? If the latter then to be honest her weight going up the BMI centiles is probably to be expected, and she will grow back into it when she starts to grow. At 12, a lot girls will be growing fast and thus their BMI will be lower for a while until their weight "catches up" again.

I think you did the right thing.

I was overweight from that age and for my early-mid teen years and wish that my mum had dealt with it.
At that age you're just going to buy whatever tastes nice and not realise the consequences unless this is pointed out to you.
I lost it myself a few years later, but it was hard.

I think you handled it well op, I’m experiencing the same with my 12 ds, it’s tough to know exactly how to handle these things and the right words to say without causing future damage, it’s such a delicate age. I’m at a loss as to what to say to my ds, I pack his lunch (healthy), we eat dinner together and we don have too many crappy foods in the house but he will go out with his friends and they will buy him crap (crisps, Pringles, sweets etc!). He is putting on a lot of weight. I’ve suggested we go for a family bike ride 3 x a week and he is starting tennis lessons this week. Just hope I can gently steer him in the right direction!

Having said that, her issues with her skinny jeans and skirt could just be her hips getting into adult female shape. Remember that it's perfectly natural and tell her that. Be more concerned about waist size.

You handled it perfectly. She needs to be aware of what she is putting in her body, so if she's eating less junk, doing more exercise and looking at nutritional labels on junk food (and yes most smoothies are junk, full of sugar and little nutritional benefit, just eat fruit!) then it's a good start. Eating healthy isn't denying anything, it's eating correct portions of well balanced meals along with treats in moderation, which it sounds like she's doing. I put on a little weight in my late teens that I wasn't really aware of and my mum was honest with me and I really appreciated it as it meant I've always been a healthy weight since and aware of food choices.

I think you absolutely did the right thing. They will be looking at nutritional values on food at school soon, if they haven’t already, so its no bad thing that shes aware.

I think you handled it very well. Now forcing your child to strip down to their pants and weigh themselves in front of you, then launching into a tirade about how disgustingly fat they are: THAT would have been poor management (bitter personal experience there).

It sounds like she took it on board and is making better choices. Your own mum OTOH sounds like she has her own issues....

You handled it fine in my opinion but she needs to know that it's ok to have treats every now and again. If she gets too obsessed by never eating sugar again then eating disorders can start.

My parents never discussed healthy eating with me. My Mum was always on ww or slimming world or some other diet. She is still on one of them now. She would cook separate meals for the family so was feeding us crap but eating ryvita and salad.

Kids need to be taught to make the right choices when they are young rather than spend 30 years on and off diet plans like my Mum has done.

YANBU. I have similar conversations with my young children when they ask why I won't let them have sweets every day. They know that some foods are good for you & some foods don't have so many vitamins, etc. so aren't for having every day. Sometimes my 6yo makes very black & white statements about food but a simple "but it's ok to have things like that sometimes, as long as we remember to clean our teeth properly" is enough for him to relax about it. My DH has weight/food issues after growing up in a house where waste wasn't acceptable & rich puddings were a daily occurrence so I'm cautious about the messages my DC get.

If I were you, OP, I'd just casually reassure her that sugar/fat are ok in moderation & that just cutting out daily sweets is probably sufficient to rebalance her healthy lifestyle. Only when she's talking about it or checking labels though - no need to turn it into a big issue.

I would have done the exact same in your shoes.
I would be interested to find out what she’s secretly binging on sweets in her bedroom though. Is she unhappy at school maybe??

I think what you did was fine, it’s an important lesson of cause and effect, so a response along the lines of “no you’re not fat, but if you keep eating xyz it will have an effect on your body and subsequent weight”.

I wish my mother would’ve heeded my concerns about weight when I was a teenager because I found my weight gradually creeping up from 70kg to 80kg with no chance in my diet or exercise and I asked her for help in regards to food/diet/gym and her response was just “we’ll see if you hit xx amount of kilos” and kind of dismissed my concerns, which just snowballed into a decade of misery of being overweight and hitting 139kg at one point.. it took until I was 28 to find a doctor who could help me with my medical issues (pcos, endo, insulin resistance etc) to finally shed the weight and get back down to a healthy 70kg.

I don’t blame my mother for my weight issues because it was heavily a result of a bunch of medical issues and subsequent hormonal drugs to try and curb it, but I do wish she’d taken my concerns more seriously earlier on.

Crikey. I went to make a fortifying cup of tea before logging back on and am feeling more cheerful. This has been worrying me a lot. Orchidflower (are you my Mum? 😀) does seem to reflect the prevailing orthodoxy which is why I was so twitchy. I'll certainly be super careful not to praise DD for refusing stuff or be seen to be monitoring what she eats. Sadly she does need to be weighed medically about every 9 months or so - there's no avoiding that but I might see about not sharing the results with her.

Theisland asked the very perceptive question, "why was she hiding sweets?" which is something I should think about. We eat well at home, but very few sweets or junk in the house. Puddings in the week are fruit/ yogurt (proper pudding on Sunday!) I guess I do disapprove a bit of sweets and she must have picked up in this. They do have sweets in their life though-you can't avoid them these days. Party bags, birthday sweets handed out in school, school discos, play dates, grandparents, Easter eggs etc but I suppose I think that as they are getting what I consider to be more than enough junk via other routes that I shouldn't provide more. She must have picked up on this- hence the secrecy. I've never said anything explicitly though. Honestly, I don't want them to get the message that sweets should be anything more than an occasional thing but it has given me food for thought. By being the way I am, did DD need to hide the sweets meaning she ate more? I honestly don't know if there's an answer that can be unpicked.

Change not chance.. gah

I think you've pitched it just right OP.

It would be lovely if everyone could drift through a blissful childhood, and adulthood for that matter, eating whatever they like and being a healthy weight, but we live in a terrifyingly obesogenic world, and that simply isn't happening. It's a sad fact that we have to be aware of what we put in our mouths and how much we move, but a fact nonetheless, and an enormously important one. So many people sleepwalk into being overweight by the time they're in their teens or early twenties and then have a really hard time shaking bad habits. It's so much better to nip it in the bud when the balance starts to shift.

Obviously eating disorders are a HUGE fear, especially in 12yo girls, but the solution isn't to just let them become overweight. I don't have the answer to this but your intervention sounds just right.

I'd question why your mum was giving her sweets and is upset about it. She should be on board with healthy eating.

I presume in the spirit of not making a huge deal out of her DD's weight, the OP hasn't gone around telling everyone she's trying to lose it!

OP I think if I were you I'd now not mention the weight thing again at all. Not praise her for saying no to chocolate, or mentioning it if she has a pudding or anything (not that you would). Just treat her exactly the same as you would a grown up dinner guest. Hopefully she'll just learn to self-moderate without it becoming a big deal. (Which, if all adults could do, would be the silver bullet to the obesity crisis.)

I wonder if your mum equates food with love, and was more upset at your DD rejecting the food/love than anything else.....

This area is a minefield but it seems to me you've handled it as well as anyone can. I don't think a parent should call their child fat, but you haven't done that. I'd be careful of any language that links weight gain with being bad, but it doesn't sound like you did that either. Instead you've had a conversation about health and helped her to make some good changes in her life.

I think this is an ongoing conversation; you won't teach her to have a healthy relationship with food and her body in one conversation (as you obviously know yourself!). It may be that if you think she's taking it too far the other way and restricting herself too much you need to have another conversation about balance.

You sound sensitive and sensible OP and I think you're doing the best you can.

I think it sounds as though you've handled it really well! I started 'filling out' after I left school, and my parents handled it really badly. You haven't told your DD she's fat, but you've admitted that it could go that way if she continues eating too much junk. Processed foods - even 'diet' varieties - mess with our bodies and make it difficult to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight. If you're providing healthy unprocessed food at home and she's making good choices at school, then I think she will be fine. Encouraging exercise is also a good thing too.

It's such a tricky one. I tend to wait til my dd mentions it (which yours did) and she's very aware she's one of the slightly bigger girls who has also hit puberty before some of the others. We talk about what each meal needs (protein, carbs, veggies or salad) and about good snacks to have. We do talk about treats because despite MN wisdom, everyone really does know plain popcorn isn't a treat, but buttered sweetened popcorn is and I think it's best to be realistic that everyone loves a bit of chocolate or a treat but that that isn't a good idea to do every day.

It's hard though, my dd is heavier than her sister and lots of her friends and she doesn't like this- but I don't want to leap in shouting 'step away from the crisps' every time she goes for a packet.

It is a learning curve and I'm not sure I'm getting it right, but personally I think pretending to bright 12 year olds who are fussed about their appearance that all you care about is their health and that an apple is a treat is disingenuous.

I do also believe that I'm training my children to manage their weight as adults and once they are 14/15 to a large extent it will be up to them. It already is- if you buy crap on the way home from school.