I told my 12 yo DD that she was putting on weight

[hopefullhelpful]

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading another thread and talking to my mum. Have donned protective gear and am prepared for flaming...

Since starting high school in Sept DD (who has only grown 2 cm in that time) has put on a stone. I know this because she has a minor medical condition which means she was weighed in September and again recently- I don't do this myself. She's still JUST in the healthy BMI range but has basically moved from the lower end of the range to the top. I assumed this was puberty as we eat healthily at home and I can see online what food she's buying for school lunches. However I cleaned her cesspit room recently and found loads of sweet wrappers- a whole bedroom bins-worth!
I had a chat with her about healthy eating and also explained that this was why she keeps complaining that she's run out of allowance. She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

I did think carefully about the character of my daughter before answering. She's emotionally hugely robust and confident, and has no issues with food so I thought an honest conversation would work. She herself pointed out that her beloved skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable and she was feeling a bit self conscious in the tiny skirt she has to wear for gym class. We had a conversation about sugar and decided she'd just stop buying sweets, not trying to loose any weight but just maintain as she is- she's growing now so we presume she'll get taller and it'll even out a bit.

It appears to be working- no more sweet wrappers, lots of allowance left in her account, she's going for the odd run at night- all good. Then she went to my mum's house and refused some chocolate buttons and All Hell has broken loose. According to my mum I've messed up badly, you should never mention weight to an impressionable child and I've set her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. Mum said I should have found a way to manage it without talking to her about it or saying that she was on track to be overweight, but short of not giving her any allowance (and not explaining why) I'm at a loss as to how else I could have managed. Then I read another thread full of people telling a Father not to ever mention her weight to his daughter and began to wonder.... have I messed up?

She is aware of her weight now when she wasn't before and is obviously thinking about it as she's refusing sweets and going running. She's still eating healthy meals at home and not refusing pudding on Sundays, but there is an interest now that there wasn't before. I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it) which is something she'd never have done before. I think I'm feeling sad that she's doing this at 12 and am genuinely wondering if I've stuffed up and if so how I could have managed it better.

Orchidflower1 it really bothers you that you can’t have a good old flame here, right, because that’s what you’re here for...so you do it anyway even if what you say makes no sense.

Nice one OP, I hope I can handle challenging parenting situations in similar style. Great that she’s changed her eating choices! Now to have a chat with your mother...

I have had these conversations with my boys, who are younger than your daughter. At the end of the day we have to teach our children about good nutrition otherwise how will they make good choices? If they don't know that bingeing on sugar is going to be bad for their health then surely that is more of a risk.
I think you handled it well as she has responded. As pp said, maybe time to reiterate that a bag of buttons or a glass of smoothie is absolutely fine and that at her age she is still growing. I think it's good that you have started an honest conversation with her so you should just try and keep those lines of communication open.

Lacontessa-
I was an overweight child due to the many many treats I got- prob to compensate for some pretty difficult circumstances growing up. I know how loved I am by my parents which is amazing but honestly I wish they'd made better choices for me. Mum thinks it's fine-it was all puppy fat that came off as I grew up.* NO IT DIDN'T. It took 2 years of weight watchers in my early 20s to shift it. However, I've never been able to say that to her as she'd be devastated and honestly there's no point hurting her. She was trying to make me happy with the very limited resources she had.*

I think you did the right thing - and I say this as someone whose mother went on about my weight non fucking stop and caused a lot of issues. Your response was tactful and appropriate.

Once your child is at the age where they are sourcing their own food and making their own food choices (normally high school) then it becomes much harder to help them maintain a healthy weight without their buy in - doesn't matter how good the meals at home are if they're munching 5-600 calories of chocolate daily.

I think you handled that quite well, my mum just outright called me 'chubby cheeks' for a good year until I got sick of it and did something about it (cut out sweets like your DD) However, I would be wary of her checking out nutritional values etc try to explain to her that some fat/salt etc is good for her. My cousin (who has always been stick thin but bullies called her fat) starting doing this and it became an obsession to the point of anorexia as she'd look at everything, even healthy foods, and decide there was too many calories, fat/salt content. First just stopped eating treats (she rarely ate them as is was) then became a veggie and eventually started lying to avoid eating - all before she was even 16 years old. It took a long time for her to fully recover.

Not sure where the bold came from.... 😀

I'm 60. I have had periods of being anorexic since my teens, just recovering from the last period. If my Mother had spoken to me the way you have spoken to your daughter, I would not be a recovering anorexic. I think you've done well and you should tell your mother to butt out, everything has been fine and your dd is fine.

It’s bloody tough to have these conversations, and it sounds like you handled it well. The facts are she has put on some weight, and has proof of (part) of the reason why in all the sweet wrappers. She is going to fill out at this stage as well though- does she realise this? There will be hips and boobs and shape changes that are not her ‘fault’ and if she focuses on them, then there could be an issue. Being nutritionally aware is good- but being physiologically aware needs to happen to, if you can work that in. That you appreciate that she has made some changes, but there can still be a balance between treats and healthy food- they are not mutually exclusive. Also that her body will change anyway and that her shape will change. It’s such a minefied! I wish you all the best.

Both my children ended up heading towards being overweight towards end of primary school
We sat down as a family and worked out a plan as to how we could avoid this getting worse
I suggested certain dietary changes, but also did invisible swaps, they suggested favourite sports activities increase and some new ones
Eg money they saved on sweet buying went towards an expensive water park day rather than just local pool session
As a lone parent money was tight
It worked well
They are both now adults and understand calories in and out quite well!

I was a fat child. I wish someone had said this to me instead of just letting me get fat. And re your mother. In what world is not eating chocolate buttons disordered eating?

Lol! OP no not your mum ! But the granddaughter of someone who said pretty mum the same to me and it’s stayed with me ( not in a nice way) ever since so it perhaps makes me more twitchy to things like this. I wasn’t meaning don’t encourage healthy choices but I just hate the f word and it made me sad that your dd thought that( I know you didn’t call her that). I was thinking of her confidence with you and within the family. I know it’s such a delicate balance and you are NOTHING like the horrid parent on the thread the other day. I know most posters haven’t agreed with me and I know we are facing an obesity crisis I just think it’s hard to balance out but I would have said she’s gorgeous and then encouraged healthy eating by what I’m buying. The hiding food / sweets thing makes me wonder if someone else has said something to her - at school/ club and she was feeling self conscious which is why I thought she needed tlc. Hope you get everything sorted. It must be hard for your dd being weighed regularly and especially if she’s unwell.

Slightly off thread a little but is she due another growth spurt? Something I read about children’s growth recently ( I was concerned as ds seemed small) said some children gain a little weight prior to growth spurt.

I think you did nothing wrong op, did your dd run much before or was she physically active, if she is maybe look into a athletics club or local running club they often have a childrens section and will help her with running so she doesnt over do it and get injurys. If she is quite sporty i would look at it in a way fuelling performance rather than weight loss

Good on you, I think more people should be having these conversations with their children. When you read that only a third of adults are a healthy weight it does really make you stop and think.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-43697948

I think how you handled it was spot on.

Its really difficult op. I think I would focus on health rather than weight tbh for the reason that three of my daughter's friends put on quite a lot of weight between the ages of 9 and 13yrs and then started shooting up rapidly (two of them really tall) and now at 14/15 yrs they are all willowy and slim! I'm no expert though and that is just anecdotal advice, but I think child and adolescent weight is complicated because of growth spurts.

I think you were great. My DD is 16 and really solidly built. She also stopped growing upwards at about 11 so she's really short! We often talk about food and her size, I advise and then she can choose to ignore if she wants! She is very active and sporty and like your DD, emotionally confident. We only talk about it when she brings it up by the way!!

I think you have done the right thing - you have put the control with her, so she makes a choice if she can have something or not. My daughter is as slim as a pick - I am def not (16st plus) I KNOW I have had some terrible habits but am managing to control this and am steadily losing weight. Part of the reason for this is to teach my child how to manage her own weight - particularly as she dislikes exercise for the most part and if given a choice will avoid.

I think you need to speak to your Mum and say this is your view and opinion and Child and I have agreed a way forward and its not for you to challenge it or try and scuttle it.

However I would also say to your child she doesn't have to refuse ALL sweets she is allowed some still just not the huge amounts she was consuming from her allowance money - so for e.g. at Grannies of course she can have something if she wants to, but in the same breath she needs to feel she is able to say No with out all hell breaking loose.

Having said that some children do put on then grow hugely in short spaces of time. A friend of mine had a running battle with her Husband (a complete food control freak) over her growing children - it was clear her eldest was always going to be tall, like 6 ft plus and broad - he had a healthy outdoorsy lifestyle and ate to match - but mostly good food in large quantities - he regularly looked podgy then would have a huge growth spurt - but her "D"H would berate the poor lad constantly about eating and not eating and what he was eating - int he end the kids let it roll off them. He is now over 6ft at 16.5 and as slim as slim but still eats like a horse!!! So I don't think a level of all over distribution fat is nec a bad thing. The key thing is to understand your childs metabolism - if weight is going to hurt her health more than a none ill child then she needs to be taught to manager it and this includes responsibility for control under supervision earlier than you would normally.

You’ve handled it very well in my opinion 👍

slightly I actually said I hate flaming threads so I was in no way after a flame. If you post in AIBU I think as long as the posters are not rude, you have to accept not everyone will agree wholeheartedly. I tried to express my thoughts as politely as I would talking to someone in RL I’m sorry if you don’t feel that way.

I think you handled it well, I'd rather if my mother would approach me in the same way you approached the topic with yours. It's a healthy way to address it before she starts an even unhealthier habit with food and becoming overweight. Don't mind your DM.

I think the difference between your situation and the replies on the other thread is that your DD is 12 and living with you. On the other thread, the DD is an adult and living away at university. That is a massive difference IMO!

It's so tricky OP. You say that you were an overweight child due to the many treats you got. I very rarely had treats - there were never any sweets, chocolate, cake, crisps or biscuits in the house. Even now, my DH comments on how bare the fridge and cupboards are at my parents' house. I was a skinny child but I started eating as soon as I left home and I am an overweight adult (BMI around 26/27) and a yoyo dieter.

My 10yo DD is very slim, but just recently I have noticed her gaining a bit of a tummy and she asked me if she is fat. I said she isn't fat at all, but she still shouldn't eat too much sugar as it's not healthy. It sounds like my DD gets more treats than yours though (both you and I are reacting against our own mothers!).

Who knows what the right answer is. We can only do our best. I really hope it works out well for you and your DD.

I agree with most you handle it really well.
It is no good to just brush unhealthy eating (like hiding lots of sweets) under the carpet, it has to be addressed with care which you did.

Our western diet is unhealthy to a large degree ( after spending time in Japan l finally understood what the problem is, not one remotely chubby person even up to people in their 90S outside cities, virtually no diabetes either)

We have to start educating our Dcs on what healthy food is and the damage sugar and processed food does to our bodies. But of course do it kindly and sensitively.

Personally, I think you handled this really well. I was a fat kid (stopped an active sport at 11 due to school/time constraints, blew up through puberty to an eventual weight of 93 kg from 13 to 15, and didn't really get a handle on my diet/exercise, regain my self esteem and a healthy BMI until my late 20s - in fact even this morning I fell down a rabbit hole about eating a pastry when I have been active every day this week). There is also a history in my family of women controlling food which does not help the tug of war in my head.

My parents spoke to me about weight when I was a teen but (through no fault of their own) failed to hit the balanced, health-based note that you seem to have managed. I heard "fat" and "lazy", even when it wasn't directed at me or meant the way it sounded, and food became more of a comfort and a bigger problem.

From my perspective, it sounds as though you have spoken honestly and reasonably to your child and given her the tools to be healthy with your support. As a PP said; she does not live in a bubble and is already/will be aware of her size/weight in comparison to other girls as she grows. You have put the focus on health and the choices she can make about her own body, rather than shaming her. As long as she is eating healthy at home and can talk to you honestly about it, I think you have done just fine.

I think you handled a tricky situation very well OP!

Do bear in mind that a lot of supposedly 'healthy' eating advice is bullshit. That 'change for life' info they were giving out in schools is one notorious example - switch your coke for diet coke FFS.

Also, BMI is utter nonsense and completely irrelevant. And, for your girls in particular, you need to reinforce the message that thinner is not better, that other people's opinion of your appearance doesn't actually matter (in terms of fashion and sex appeal, at least) and that the main purpose of both the fashion industry and the slimming industry is to separate you from your money.