I told my 12 yo DD that she was putting on weight

[hopefullhelpful]

I've been thinking a lot about this after reading another thread and talking to my mum. Have donned protective gear and am prepared for flaming...

Since starting high school in Sept DD (who has only grown 2 cm in that time) has put on a stone. I know this because she has a minor medical condition which means she was weighed in September and again recently- I don't do this myself. She's still JUST in the healthy BMI range but has basically moved from the lower end of the range to the top. I assumed this was puberty as we eat healthily at home and I can see online what food she's buying for school lunches. However I cleaned her cesspit room recently and found loads of sweet wrappers- a whole bedroom bins-worth!
I had a chat with her about healthy eating and also explained that this was why she keeps complaining that she's run out of allowance. She asked me outright, "am I fat?" and I said that she wasn't BUT if she continued eating that amount of junk and putting on weight at the rate she was then she would be overweight soon.

I did think carefully about the character of my daughter before answering. She's emotionally hugely robust and confident, and has no issues with food so I thought an honest conversation would work. She herself pointed out that her beloved skinny jeans were feeling uncomfortable and she was feeling a bit self conscious in the tiny skirt she has to wear for gym class. We had a conversation about sugar and decided she'd just stop buying sweets, not trying to loose any weight but just maintain as she is- she's growing now so we presume she'll get taller and it'll even out a bit.

It appears to be working- no more sweet wrappers, lots of allowance left in her account, she's going for the odd run at night- all good. Then she went to my mum's house and refused some chocolate buttons and All Hell has broken loose. According to my mum I've messed up badly, you should never mention weight to an impressionable child and I've set her up for a lifetime of disordered eating. Mum said I should have found a way to manage it without talking to her about it or saying that she was on track to be overweight, but short of not giving her any allowance (and not explaining why) I'm at a loss as to how else I could have managed. Then I read another thread full of people telling a Father not to ever mention her weight to his daughter and began to wonder.... have I messed up?

She is aware of her weight now when she wasn't before and is obviously thinking about it as she's refusing sweets and going running. She's still eating healthy meals at home and not refusing pudding on Sundays, but there is an interest now that there wasn't before. I found her looking at the nutritional data on a bottle of smoothie recently (before deciding not to have it) which is something she'd never have done before. I think I'm feeling sad that she's doing this at 12 and am genuinely wondering if I've stuffed up and if so how I could have managed it better.

I’ve not RTFT but I’m an obese 40 year old and had eating problems all my life. I started gaining weight at high school and comfort ate. My mum used food as a comforter and suddenly (it felt) I was fat and it was everyone’s business.

I wish my mum had broached the issue early and helped me keep myself in check before my bad habits became the compulsive eating disorder it is today.

I think you were fine OP and it’s great your daughter took it so well.

I think you've handled it really well. Unhealthy food is everywhere and is heavily marketed. Parents need to be prepared to provide some explicit information to children simply to balance out the environmental pressure to eat poorly. You're giving your dd the tools she needs to make confident and well informed decisions.

It might be worth thinking about why sweets were so desirable to her though. Might it be worth thinking about involving your dd in the occasional mix up to your one pudding a week schedule so that your dd can learn about choosing/enjoying treats in moderation when a schedule isn't imposed for her? I was brought up strictly with regards to diet and have struggled as an adult more than my friends who got more practice at having sweet treats in the house without eating them all at once.

I think you did a great job! I’d watch out for you mother butting in now though trying to ‘undo the damage you’ve done’, especially if she has time with your dd on her own.

There's a couple of people talking about potential eating disorders but I think it's important to remember that not everyone has an emotional relationship with food. I would never think of food as a 'treat' and always find it strange when people talk about chocolate and sweets in that way. I might eat rubbish one week and none the next but it isn't a sign of binging, more likely hormonal cravings or just laziness. Once a couple of pounds go on I just stop eating rubbish, no big deal.

OP i think you handled this really really well.

I think we need to keep the potential issue of eating disorders in proportion to the dangers of heart disease and type 2 diabetes, let alone depression and other mental health issues that is a huge danger to overweight adults (and children). As a parent I have taken the view that the risks of heart disease are greater than the risk of anorexia. I always refer to health reasons and not looks though.

I think it’s better to nip these things in the bud and have difficult conversations early rather than wait until it’s very difficult to reverse.

That's a really good point, Lndnmummy, and well made.

I think you handled it in a way that I would hope to - factually and directly. I believe disordered eating comes from more than the realisation that eating sweets and junk can make you overweight and that being overweight is not necessarily desirable.

I think you did really well. I was a fat teen and wish someone had had a chat like this with me before I got fat, rather than a chat with me when I was fat. You’re a good mum, she is a lucky girl.

It’s a very delicate one
FWIW I do mention obesity and calories to my 2 DS . I mean they have to know and understand that the choices you make impact your health

The only think anyone can do is fill the house with healthy snacks and stop buying the calorie high nutrient low snacks we all seem to have normalised as our due

I think you did the right thing OP