To ask babysitter to stay at home

[user1494667160]

We have a babysitter who helps us as and when is needed.
She is a lovely girl.
The problem I have is that when she babysits in the day she always wants to take the kids out in the car somewhere.
I don’t mind this occasionally but sometimes I want her to stay at home with them. I have a massive garden and loads of toys etc.
An example of this was this weekend. I have 5 kids. I asked if she could babysit the younger two.
She texts me before she gets here saying can I take the kids to the park which is 15 min away.
It means I have to put all the car seat basses and car seat from my car into her car, sort problem out, pack changing bags, make bottles up etc it is a right pain.
I have no problem her going to a park I have round here as she can walk there with the pram.
Anyway I reluctantly said yes to her going out. However my husband text her and said I would rather the kids stayed at home and play in the garden for fresh air.
She texts back saying but it’s such a nice day I want to go out. He said the kids can play in the garden.
She texts back saying but it’s a really nice day and I really want to see my family. So she wants to babysit but also have time with her mum and sisters at the park.
She has recently started to bring her boyfriend with her whenever she babysits.
I don’t want to fall out with her as I have no other babysitter (no parents or friends that help us) so really need her.
However the whole point of someone babysitting is to make our lives easier.
To get the younger two children ready to go out is hard work so when she comes round to babysit in the day ( happens maybe once every two weeks) I would rather she stayed in sometimes.
Am I being unreasonable?

She never looks after 5 children (unless they are all in bed after 7.30).
In the day she would look after 2 and very rarely 3 if one was having nap time.

Jeeze did no one ever do babysitting for some extra cash when they were younger?

Yup, and I ate pizza then snogged my boyfriend while the kids slept!

It theory I agree that you get to choose.

But if she is your only babysitter, and takes good care of the kids, then it probably isn't worth loosing her over.

Can't you just be really clear when booking her, e.g. 'Are you available tomorrow to baby sit them at home' maybe you could add that they are tired so you prefer they stay in. That way if she wants to decline the booking she can

Nottakenusername obviously she is getting more than £5 an hour if she is getting paid more than she did at the nursery.
Please do not try and suggest I neglect my children. It is very rude and offensive.
I came on here for advice. You just want to be pedantic and nasty.

Willow2017
Jeeze did no one ever do babysitting for some extra cash when they were younger?

My 16 year old does a lot. She makes £7 an hour, which is a fair wage for a kid at school. She's incredibly well respected as a local babysitter and has a lot of experience. If someone was awkward or she felt there was issues she'd have no problems replacing them with another family.

I think this could be a problem for the OP as she doesn't seem to have a solid alternative lined up. I think she might have to compromise somehow.

I don't really see why it would be relevant how much she is paid or how many hours she does. She should either respect what she has been asked to do (stay at home) or else not take the job. Even if I was looking after someone else's child for free I would still expect to abide by any dos and don'ts they requested. The thing that would worry me more than the hassle of bag packing etc is that she is meeting up with family, friends or bf while in the park and may not be actually supervising your children very carefully.

They are your children, so she must respect your wishes. I think you just have to politely stand your ground and be firm

...and when she’s no longer available to babysit, are you going to go round to the OP’s and look after her kids for her?

Life is a compromise, mostly you just get to decide which compromise you least mind. In this case, the babysitter taking the kids out to another park (a PARK, not a crack den) where her family are spending a sunny Saturday or losing your babysitter because you insist on her coming alone and staying at home. Totally within her rights to insist on both, totally the babysitters right to say ‘Sorry, not available under those conditions’. OP’s choice.

babysitting is night time only
There's some bollocks on here sometimes.

OP, if you want the professional work of a child carer then don't have a baby sitter.
All the sitters I know have no responsibilities except to keep the kids safe.

I dont think op is being awkward at all. If there is a park up the road there is no need for babysitter to expect op to prep stuff and take car seats out her car, put them in bs car before she goes out and then take them out later and put them back in her car again.

Its only once a fortnight i am sure bs can cope without her family or bf for a few hours. She has 13 other days to see them.

Bringing bf or spending time with her family a big no no for me you're paying her she isn't doing you a favour. I wouldn't be happy.

Good grief NotTaken - what's your problem?
OP explained very clearly in the post before yours why she didn't want to go into the amount. OP is obviously a MNer who has read therse threads before, and no-one ever agrees. That isn't the issue. OP has been very calm and polite - you need to let it go.

I mean, in this case, OP has actually stated she is getting more than she did at the Nursery. Babysitting can be great for people who don't want much work / don't want to be tied to a regular commitment. If both parties are happy with the amount {whatever it may be}, why does it infuriate you so much that you aren't privvy to it ?

Yes Willow, but if the babysitter then decides she’d rather not babysit who has the greater problem? Clue - it’s not the babysitter.

I’m not getting the problem, why can’t she just get them ready to go out? Why can’t she take them to the park? Does it matter that her family is sometimes there? What is it you don’t like about it op? It sounds like it’s a pretty good set up.

OP, ignore the goady fuckers who are trying to wheedle a price out of you. The price/wage is irrelevant. As Sara107 said, even if I were looking after someone’s kids for free, I would still abide by their wishes. The boyfriend thing is a hard no. There are SO many ways that can wrong.

Can you start searching for a new person in the meantime while you keep using her services? Eventually you could transition to the new babysitter. Try looking for someone who’s training as a teacher, nursery worker, nurse, psychologist, etc. Or someone who works at a children’s museum already and is good with kids. A few of my friends made extra money through grad school this way. They’d collect the child from school or day care then spend 3–4 hours with them until the parents returned from work.

It’s perfectly possible to legally have a baby sitter during the day.
The between 6pm and 2am thing is only one of the indicators used to decide, location frequency and duration also can make a difference.

Even nannies don’t need to be registered, it’s optional

The problem is its actually creating extra work for op before and after she goes out! Bs can just walk to local park, she doesnt need to drive kids anywhere or they can play in thier own garden.
She is paid to watch the kids not socialise with family. Its only 4 hrs!

If it wasnt such a hassle for op it would prob be different.

It sounds a bit awkward OP.

I agree what you pay is between her and you. She's either prepared to work for your rate or she isn't.

I had a variety of in-home childcarers when my kids were very little. And I certainly called the people who looked after my kids for 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon babysitters!

I never prepared stuff for them if they were taking kids out, unless they were coming early in the morning specifically to take them out. Prepping the bags is part of the carer's job, be it family or paid carer.

She's meant to be reducing your stress, not increasing it. You can leave her a list. If she's competent she won't have a problem doing it.

If the arrangement generally works, I'd go along with her meeting up with family in the park. I'm assuming this is a generally positive thing rather than the Scary Family From Hell. If you think your kids are enjoying being with her extended family, say yes. If you think they aren't, say no. But you can still say to her for a given 'booking' that you really want them to play at home this weekend.

The boyfriend thing is a bit different. Do you trust him? Is he good with kids? I had one sitter whose parter was first aid qualified and had apparently spent years with Scouts, but he was just a wet weekend and I didn't trust him to be capable in a crisis. It was embarrassing, but I did find a way of saying 'I'd rather you concentrated on kids'. It was just him I didn't rate. I've had two others who occasionally brought the boyfriends and they were lovely, young energetic men whom my kids adored, so it was a win-win.

Can't you just let her sort out the bottles and changing bag herself if she wants to take the children out? She will have access to all that stuff anyway while staying in the house to babysit.

Swapping the car seat bases isn't really a big deal.

I'm sure the kids really enjoy the park.

Can't she do the faffing about with car seats and all that? What would happen if you explain that it's 20 minutes of faff and you don't want to do it?

Yanbu. Your bs is only there for 4 hrs at a time every couple of weeks or so , so there is no reason she can’t play with them, take them to the local park & then play with them/ let them chill/ nap 😴 / eat... depending on their age. I don’t blame her for asking can she take them to the other park, if you don’t ask, you don’t get, but ultimately she is working for you not the other way round. There is no reason 1/2 hr of this time needs to be her driving them about. If I were you I would explain before she comes next time why you want her to stay at home🏡 & play in the garden/ local park. You sound very caring & hopefully after a chat she will understand the boundaries better. Any reason her family can’t meet her at the other park if they get on well with your children 👶🏼?

Does it really matter OP? If the kids are happy and you'd struggle to find someone else just swap the seats and let her take them out, or better yet get some cheap spares for her to keep as it's a regular thing. Better that than someone who sits on their phone and ignores them. As a nanny I used to take my charges all over the place, treated them just like I would my own, often met up with other nannies, friends and family who all made a massive fuss of the children. If I would have been grounded to the house I would have left. Let her pack the things she needs, I'm sure she's capable. As for the bf, judge for yourself, if he's a decent lad that pops round occasionally then no problem, if he's not and constantly their distracting her from the children then it's an issue and put a stop to it, but be prepared for her not to come back but I'd say that was the best thing if your not happy. If she's important to you, try and accommodate where possible as long as the children are safe and happy as I'm sure she'll easily find other work.

"A registered nanny/childminder is not going to look after children for 4 hours every two weeks. They want regular work."

A you're wrong - many take on extra ad hoc work if it fits their schedule

B I suspect the real reason is it would cost you more - what are you paying her?

"I’m not going to get into how much I pay her as people will be debating if it’s too much/too little." That strongly suggests to me nowhere near enough. It DOES matter because it shows if you value her work or not.

"and more per hour than when she worked at the nursery" where she had more space and support.

Also as you mention bottles that suggests at least one of the children is still a baby. That's very demanding. How old are youngest two? Does she have all 5 at times? You answered yes - Is she paid extra if so? (She should be - regardless of them being asleep it's extra responsibility)

"Of course it’s relevant.

Chuck her a £5/hour and she’s basically just keeping you from getting charged with neglect for leaving kids unattended.

Pay her a reasonable rate and suddenly she is doing a job where rules and boundaries would be appropriate." Exactly - very well put!

"She used to work at the kids nursery so is qualified.

Qualified/experienced in a DIFFERENT environment where she's better protected by employment law, had support from MORE experienced and BETTER qualified staff.

No calling the difference between babysitting and child care is not pedantry. In the U.K. Babysitting is generally understood to be evening work that is undemanding as the children are mostly sleeping/winding down. Childcare is during waking hours and requires more energy, effort and skill. To say otherwise is disrespectful to the many excellent nannies and childminders we have in the uk.

Good childcare and babysitters are VERY hard to find.

If bottles are needing to be made up wouldn't you be doing that whether she was staying home or not? Or is she expected to do that? Car seats are usually quite easy to do these days so she could do that. Boyfriends - I don't have a problem for this in the evenings it gets boring and it's nice to have company but in the daytime it could be too distracting. Do you like the boyfriend? Do the kids?

"Jeeze did no one ever do babysitting for some extra cash when they were younger?"

Been looking after younger children since I was 14. Started with babysitting later as a nanny and childminder.

Babysitting was always well paid and snacks and drinks included. Some families didn't mind me having a friend or boyfriend keep me company some did.

Daytime occasional childcare was also decent pay (more than babysitting fees) and not restricted to the house.

Pay higher if babies and/or more than 3 children being cared for.

"If someone was awkward or she felt there was issues she'd have no problems replacing them with another family." Precisely - good babysitters that the children like are like gold dust! I've also been a Lp for 15 years and had family friends as babysitters. I personally wasn't comfortable with boyfriends especially when dd was pre-verbal (I'm a csa survivor) but paid well and made sure the sitters were comfortable (snacks, drinks, bed provided if they were staying over).

What does it matter if it is babysitting or childminding? It's a few hours every month and who cares what she is being paid. The sitter is not complaining about the money nor is the OP is complaining about paying it.

I would say 'no' to them going in her car. I wouldn't be happy about the teenage whinging either - to get her own way. She does sound a little immature. And no to the boyfriend. Who the hell takes their boyfriend to 'paid work'.

I think you need to approach it the next time you ask her as in - 'can we establish a few ground rules first so we know where we both stand' talk.s We don't want the children going out in your car - unless it is an absolute emergency. I want the car seat to remain fixed in our car. The park is only 15 minutes walk away if you want to walk them there uou can take the pushcair especialky now it's summer. We do not feel comfortable with you bringing strangers into the house when we are not here. Friends and boyfriends etc - if she starts with the but he really great and loves kids etc. Say but we are paying you and one of the reasons we chose you was the fact you have nursery qualifications and you wouldn't have taken your boyfriend into work at the nursery would you?

Hopefully, she won't do an arm fold pout before flouncing out with a 'its not fair'. But be prepared.

I wouldn't be happy woth a 22 year old driving my children around to be honest so I'd tell her can you babysit but stay home please. I wouldn't be happy with her boyfriend there either as he isn't known to you, so you're effectively letting s stranger in your home - I'd definitely ask her tell her no