To be upset about this wedding...

[TheWeddingSeason]

I'm a long time member but name changed as I'm fairly sure parties involved are on here...

So DH has a friend who is getting married soon.

He told my DH that our DS was invited.

Now we have received the official invite and it says kids can't be accommodated (except family - the bride and groom have 3 kids!)

It's not close to where we live so would have to stay overnight and I have never been away from DS that long & I have anxiety disorder so would only fret so I don't want to go now.

DH is upset with me.
I am upset with his friends.

Who is bu?

But greenlynx - the OP's DH does want to go see his friend get married. It's not the OP's friend, it's his.

We had a declined invitation fro our wedding because the parents couldn't find a sitter...for their 16 year old!

I also think they were being sensible here. Even if he's not the kind of teenager to have a wild party while his parents are away, you can be sure that one of his mates will suggest it and he'll cave into peer pressure.

Re the OP, did her DH's friend really say that the DS could go? Or did her DH get the wrong end of the stick? Regardless, I can understand your anxiety about leaving hour DS overnight, OP, but it's very true that if you keep giving in to your fears, it will make your anxiety worse. I also get anxious (though not about this), but I invariably find that it's never as bad as I feared it was going to be, or I even find that I enjoy myself.

I agree with PPs that you should look into getting CBT privately rather than just waiting for it on the NHS. Your anxiety is impinging on your family too much.

@GertieMotherwell "I feel sorry for your dh."

What a cunty thing to say.

Op we haven't left ds who's 4 for an overnight yet.

You can’t compare it to a broken leg or asthma

Why not? I have both anxiety and asthma, and the former, for me, was more debilitating and harder to treat. I could no more plough on though the anxiety without treatment than I could run for a bus with untreated asthma.

Take you mum or someone else close to you to the hotel to stay overnight to look after DS whilst you are at the wedding.
We did this when children were not invited to a do 350 miles away from us. We picked up Step daughter who stayed at hotel with kids. I could then phone/ she could phone if any problems. Sorted.

AJPTaylor - the OP's DH has broken his leg and can't get there unless the OP drives him. He can't go without her. That's the point. She's left DS with his parents overnight before, just not in the day (and it was fine). She's left her DS with nursery staff in the day before and was fine with it. The issue is she's never left her DS for a day and a night, and it's an 'unknown' that's triggering anxiety.

Is there any time OP for your PIL to have DS in the day and overnight this weekend so you can 'practice'? You won't be as far away and so by the time of the wedding, leaving your DS for so long won't be a 'new' experience to cause panic?

I have seen a counsellor who has put me on a waiting list for CBT. She said this could up to 12 weeks wait... the wedding is in 4 weeks... how do you suggest I magically make myself better by then?

I don't need to qualify my illness to anyone, I have been diagnosed with a specific anxiety disorder and am awaiting treatment.

I do not feel able to leave my DS for 24 hours, I don't want to have an anxiety attack, they are awful.

I will either get the Gp's to come with us or we will just go for the ceremony & wedding breakfast.

I'm leaving this thread now so thank-you to those of you who have given kind and helpful replies.

To those of you who have been nasty and judgey - well maybe you should take a look at why your like that...

Sounds like a good plan Op if you still reading.

What a cunty thing to say

Why? He would probably love to go and spend some time with the OP and his friends.

X-post

Good plan OP and good luck.
This is best for you, your DH and your child 💐

OP, I made sure that my children all stayed with my mum regularly after they were around 18 months, as I took the view that if I was ever ill/in hospital for any reason, then going to their nan's would be an everyday activity and nothing for them to be alarmed about. They have always adored going there, and still stay with her now they are young adults.

You're doing your DS no favours with your anxiety. If it's ruling your life, it's ruling his too. And I mean that kindly.

You have time to do a few practice runs of leaving your DC overnight and longer while you are close by. You will give yourself time to become used to the idea and judge how well you would cope when the distance is increased.

You are.

In laws could have him overnight but I have anxiety and I would only fret constantly and I really don't want to have an anxiety attack at someone's wedding!

The problem is not the wedding, it's your anxiety. It's completely normal, and healthy, to leave a 2-year-old overnight with his grandparents.

My mother was also extremely clingy and it caused me problems which I am still dealing with in my forties. Don't do that to your child.

don't go then

It's not on for them to say kids were invited then from the invite they're not. If someone invited me/DP (verbally at first) and said kids were invited (and I actually had a 2 year old) I'd say: "Great, look forward to it!" but if when the invite came in my child(ren) weren't on there obviously additional plans need to be made/paid for now to factor childcare in.

If people are transparent from the beginning about a wedding being child-free you can make an informed decision; you have my sympathy OP as they've obviously changed their minds and now having family kids only, putting pressure on those with kids to source childcare.

As opposed to a huge practical and financial burden on the bride and groom.

Then go away and elope! I think it is extremely entitled to expect people to fork out money for present, outfit, travel, childcare, etc. to celebrate YOUR wedding. Do what you want, but don’t put people in a difficult financial position, it’s just not fair.

how do you suggest I magically make myself better by then?

You go to your gp and ask for a short term prescription that will take away the physical effects of your anxiety in order for you to step out of your comfort zone. You’ll probably feel very proud of yourself and that in itself will help you overcome it.

*in a baby step type of way

Sorry you are. Its very common to not have children invited. I was pretty furious when as a family we all agreed to travel to Canada for my brother's wedding - some of us coming from the Uk and others from Australia. Last minute my sister'n'law told us by the way children will not be allowed to come to the reception (which only had 25-30 people going to it and it was in a backyard, so not a posh hotel or anything)...between us we had 5 children under the age of 10 and my sister had a 6 month old baby. We had to suck it up and hire baby sitters that we met before the wedding. I don't like it when children are not welcome to weddings but its the bride and grooms special day so they get to decide how they want it.

It's disappointing that the scope of the invite was changed, but you've left your son before and it's only for one night. If you can find someone to take care of your son, then go along and enjoy. If not, then send your DH on his own.

Perhaps this can be a wake up call to press for (or if you can afford it pay for) help with your anxiety.

Why are people ignoring the OP? She’s on a waiting list for treatment, she obviously knows that she needs help.