To be upset about this wedding...

[TheWeddingSeason]

I'm a long time member but name changed as I'm fairly sure parties involved are on here...

So DH has a friend who is getting married soon.

He told my DH that our DS was invited.

Now we have received the official invite and it says kids can't be accommodated (except family - the bride and groom have 3 kids!)

It's not close to where we live so would have to stay overnight and I have never been away from DS that long & I have anxiety disorder so would only fret so I don't want to go now.

DH is upset with me.
I am upset with his friends.

Who is bu?

It's almost 3 hour drive, we had been planning to stay overnight at the venue.

In laws could have him overnight but I have anxiety and I would only fret constantly and I really don't want to have an anxiety attack at someone's wedding!

It starts at 12pm and last all day.

YANBU. Tell your DH he's welcome to go on his own. Personally, I'd happily decline as I don't much like weddings anyway so a child free wedding would be a great excuse not to go.

They are not being unreasonable to not ask a two year old. Annoying they said they would though. Your anxiety is preventing you from doing something pretty ordinary. I can see why your DH is frustrated.

If he's stayed overnight somewhere before can he not do so again?

As someone said upthread, it's up to the bride and groom who they want at weddings. Maybe there just isn't room for more children than family ones, maybe the venue only allow a certain number, maybe they have to draw the line somewhere so that their guest allocation isn't a large percentage of children, etc. etc.

If it's going to bother you that much, don't go!

Oh and DH won't be able to drive himself - he has just broken his leg! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Close family children are different.

I'm not surprised an anxious person can't face leaving a 2yo for a weekend. If you'd said six or seven that would have been different! But it is healthy to work towards being able to leave him, so your life can expand instead of shrinking.

YABU. You either all decline the invitation or your DH goes alone.

Could your husband get a lift or get on a train (or get the train to the town of someone who could give him a lift?)

Sorry to hear about your DH’s accident. That will out you if your friends are on MN!

I have an anxiety condition and know it’s hard, but IME avoiding things often makes it worse.

Much depends on whether you - and DH - actually know and like the couple and wish to attend. It is quite a way, especially if you dislike driving, and there’s no public transport options, and DS is quite small, but you have family to look after him and it’s only one night.

Well then it looks like your h will need to decline, too.

You need to try and get your anxiety sorted out. Your child is going to want to go to parties, stay at his grandparents, go on school trips etc as time goes on.

He is 2, an ideal age to stay with grandparents or close relatives who he knows.

Realistically what is going to happen to him? He'll have a lovely night with his grandparents. You get a night away with your husband which I'm assuming hasn't happened in two years, given you won't leave DS. Do it for your marriage if nothing else.

I was going to say geddin don’t have to go. Weddings are a pita.

However what are you doing to overcome your anxiety? You can’t let it control your life like that. I’m of the opinion that if possible that it’s a good thing kids get used to staying with other people. Anything can happen in life where you may not be there sometimes out of your control.

It’s a bit unfortunate you were told that your DS would be invite, then he wasn’t. They probably felt that they could only invite family children, and not friends, probably due to numbers and/or cost. Your son is 2, he’ll be fine. You’ve got to leave him at some point, or you’re never go anywhere without him. So you either don’t go and your DH goes alone, or you go.

Sounds like an ideal opportunity to take steps to deal with your anxiety.

you are being unreasonable.

YABU. Sounds like your DH or his friend had the wrong end of the stick.

I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder and in the context of that you could consider using this as a way to manage your anxieties. Your son will be fine with your in-laws, and will probably have a wonderful time. He shouldn’t be made to forego that, not should they, and your DH shouldn’t forego his friend’s wedding because of your MH problems. It’s very hard, I really do know it is, but you can’t let it rule your life, or your family’s.

OP - what can you do to help yourself? You're in a good position whereby your DS has stayed overnight elsewhere before. He's of an age where he grandparents will take pleasure in having him around them. You can video message via a phone. Make the most of this opportunity.

That's a good idea kissthealderman... in laws would enjoy a night away too I'm sure. Will have to look into that.

I know nothing will happen to him, I know he will probably have a whale of a time with his grandparents but anxiety just does react rationally.

I am on a waiting list to start CBT for my anxiety.

Could you afford to pay for the in laws to stay at the venue too? That way they can look after DS and take him out for the day, then you can pop up and put him to bed. When he’s sleep, in laws can ‘babysit’ whilst you get back to the party. But you should get some help for your anxiety. And yes it’s annoying the groom initially told your DH your son would be invited but they’re not unreasonable to not want kids other than their own at the wedding.

Umm going against the grain here but don't bother going if you aren't going to enjoy it / be anxious. No reason you should feel you have to. But it is perfectly reasonable to suggest your DH goes alone.

I disagree with everyone who says it will be good for your DS to stay elsewhere - not if he isn't ready for it! Our DC haven't stayed anywhere without us - our families live to far away / are incapable of looking after young children so we often go to things separately if we can't all go

I have anxiety and I would only fret constantly and I really don't want to have an anxiety attack at someone's wedding

Tbh OP you need to get help to get your anxiety under control. The fact that it prevents you doing normal things is bad enough, but once it starts negatively impacting others (like your husband) then enough is enough. Use this as a wake up call to get help now, you don't want your DS's life dictated by your anxieties. Trust me, I know!

Good luck

There have been two weddings in the last year that DS hasn’t been invited to.

Wedding one was a close friend’s, allegedly child-free, and was down the road from my DM’s house. I left 5mo EBF DS with DM for the ceremony then went home, DH stayed for the whole thing. Annoyingly there were actually loads of primary-aged kids there “because their parents couldn’t leave them”

Wedding two was more DH’s friend than mine, and was two hours away. I stayed at home, DH went on his own and left after the meal to get the last train back.

It is shit when you can’t take your children, but you just have to decide how important it is to you to attend, and how much hassle you are willing to put up with to be there. Sounds like this wedding is one you aren’t that fussed about going to, but your DH is. So he can go on his own.

It's entirely their choice which children, if any, they wish to attend their wedding as it is entirely your choice to decline the invitation. If DH can't drive or cadge a lift, then he can't go either. Simple.