To be upset about this wedding...

[TheWeddingSeason]

I'm a long time member but name changed as I'm fairly sure parties involved are on here...

So DH has a friend who is getting married soon.

He told my DH that our DS was invited.

Now we have received the official invite and it says kids can't be accommodated (except family - the bride and groom have 3 kids!)

It's not close to where we live so would have to stay overnight and I have never been away from DS that long & I have anxiety disorder so would only fret so I don't want to go now.

DH is upset with me.
I am upset with his friends.

Who is bu?

@Dozer

I know 'quote' and 'query' have the same initial sound but they aren't synonymous.

HTH

Sorry you have anxiety OP, can't be easy.

If you do not feel you can leave your child then the only option left is you can't go, if your husband wants to he will have to find alternative transport there and back. Or one of the other suggestions already given.

I think child free weddings where immediate family children are only invited is quite normal, I know at my SILs wedding there was limits on the amount of high chairs available (think they actually brought some), so it's not always possibly to accommodate everyone and their circumstances.

Fgs why does this topic come up again and again? The bride and groom are perfectly entitled to have who they want at the wedding.
Don't you want to dress up nicely and have some grown up time with your husband? Kids are resilient and spending the night at your ILs may actually be a good experience for your little one.

MissEliza - of course I do! it's not that easy when you are unwell though is it!

We may just accept going to ceremony then we can be home for DS at bedtime plus DH still sees his friends marry.

You are being unreasonable. It's one night a few hours drive away, and you have responsible extended family members able to look after him.

How long are you going to let your anxiety impact your husband and hold back your child(ren)? Because that is what you will soon be doing ... is he going to be allowed playdates without you? Sleepovers? Beavers/cubs/scouts outings? School residential trips?

Get yourself sorted out ... your GP can start you down the path with treatment for your anxiety. It's not fair to your husband or child to have to constantly accommodate your anxiety over normal life events.

That’s a good compromise OP.

Oh I wouldn't bother going OP.

Other people's weddings are boring shit anyway

I understand that you have anxiety and I also understand how horrible it is.
Please understand I mean this kindly.do you think it may be a good idea to go to the wedding and as others have said leave him with your In laws. He has already done an overnight and now this will be a few hours longer. I am confident your child will be fine because he is will be with family that he knows and loves but it's you I'm thinking about here. You will see he is fine. It will be awful if he was to pick up on your anxiety vibe ( not only in the context of this wedding but with day to day life)

Sorry about your DH broken leg.

About the wedding, I see why you are annoyed. I suspect the groom said it as an off the cuff thing thinking it would be ok but once numbers have been added up it can become an issue especially if other friends have kids and not just you. It seems sensible to limit kid numbers to family only ( IMO)

That’s a rubbish plan! 6 hour roundtrip for ceremony only.

No one is being unreasonable except your dh to be annoyed with you.

You all go, then you and DS stay in hotel whilst DH goes to the reception and evening do? You can drive, you can stay with child, he can attend all of the wedding celebrations.

@TheWeddingSeason how far away is the wedding? Would you be able to work your way up to it regarding leaving DS with other people? That way, your anxiety can or may lessen when it's time to actually attend the wedding.

You are.

How is the OP unreasonable when she made plans based on being told her son was invited?

Bizarre.

Of course YANBU Op. If they actually expect you to stay overnight and then invite and uninvite your child I'd probably give it a miss. Also dh is being unreasonable too in being annoyed at you.

You have no obligation to leave your child overnight if it will stress you out an can't possibly be unreasonable to not do so.

Don't you want to dress up nicely and have some grown up time with your husband?

You do know people can do that anytime they want right?* It's not like a gift from the wedding gods to be allowed to do so.

• And not have to spend a 100 pound on a gift and drive three hours to do it.

MushroomGravy - the OP can't if she can't spend time away from her DS...

I can spend time away from my DS, he goes to Nursery, I just don't want to be away from him for 24 hours!
DH and I do go out for dinner alone and in laws babysit.

The problem is, giving into the anxiety only makes it worse. You have to remember that a panic attack will not kill you, even if it feels that way at the time. There are things the GP can give you, beta blockers or a very mild sedative, that would help you to keep your anxiety under control for the day. You won’t beat this by giving into it.

I had a friend the same and she actually brought her baby to a girls night out!! Her DP was at home (happy to have their DS) but she said she would miss her child too much to leave him. Wasn’t a great night!

If you don’t want to go to the wedding, then don’t go but don’t bury your head in the sand or you’ll end up with huge issues, as will your DC

Take the in-laws with you as mobile babysitters
or
See if your DH can get a lift with someone else.

It's good that you are starting CBT for your anxiety - life will be a lot easier if you can get it under control.

You have left your son overnight before, so why does this feel different?

Considering you have left him previously I do think yabu. It will obviously mean an extra few hours than you've left him before, but he's with grandparents who you presumably trust? I also suffer with anxiety (to the point I've had to have inpatient care), but sometimes you do have to challenge your own fears. I always keep a paper bag with me, I've had panic attacks in all sorts of places.

I enjoy it when my kids aren't invited to weddings with us, I love a child free night away!

Why do you think that your children are as important as the bride and grooms? Of course they want their own kids there to see them get married, that doesn’t mean that yours need to be there

I know that its considered rude to question invites, but in this case, bearing in mind the groom said that your DS was originally invited, it may be worth DH having a quiet word explaining the circumstances and asking if your DS could be accommodated.

I have suffered from anxiety and also am currently.on a list for CBT for my PND so I do understand how you feel. I still think you should try and go for your DH's sake.

2 possible solutions

1. go as a family but you and DS have a day at hotel, does it have swimming pool etc.? If the couple know you are doing that they might say he is welcome to come to evening receotion.

2)Drive back late, you don't have to leave just after ceremony you could plan to leave at 7/8 and stay for the meal as well as the ceremony. You would be home before midnight and DS would have had a nice time with grandparents.

It's sad that you can't stay over and let your hair down but if you can't then I think its fair that you try not to let your MH prevent your DH from enjoying a good friend's wedding

rookie I would not suggest that. Why make the bride feel uncomfortable. She may back down but may resent it and it could open the flood gates with other friends being resentful. (OPs child came but mine couldn't)
I could be wrong but it does sound like the OP doesn't know the bride well ( Dh's friend getting married)
It has been communicated that kids can't be accomadated..

I sympathise with OPs anxiety but it her issue to deal with the anxiety. She can either by ignoring it and miss out which is not helpful to her or her child as he older and anxiety wil be harder to deal with the longer you leave it or do something about it.

I think it is wrong for the OP to make her issue the brides problem.

Pay for the in laws to come with you and stay then you can duck out to see your DS during the day.

Notacooldad - normally I'd never suggest it, but here the groom originally said that the DS can come, so in a way he has caused the problem. It is possible that if the DH talks to the groom he might say that DS is ok to come in the evening, just not to the sit down bits. Bride doesn't really need to be involved

Or DH gets another lift to the wedding.

Or GPs come

Or OP drives there and back on the same day.

Or OP goes and accepts that she will have a heightened sense of anxiety, but manages the situation.

Worst case scenario is if OP says she is going overnight without DS and then decides she can't handle it at the last moment, which would be the worst outcome for everyone.

Based on all those scenarios, I don't think its unreasonable for DH to have a word with his pal to see if they could fit their DS in for parts of the day.