To be upset about this wedding...

[TheWeddingSeason]

I'm a long time member but name changed as I'm fairly sure parties involved are on here...

So DH has a friend who is getting married soon.

He told my DH that our DS was invited.

Now we have received the official invite and it says kids can't be accommodated (except family - the bride and groom have 3 kids!)

It's not close to where we live so would have to stay overnight and I have never been away from DS that long & I have anxiety disorder so would only fret so I don't want to go now.

DH is upset with me.
I am upset with his friends.

Who is bu?

I disagree with everyone who says it will be good for your DS to stay elsewhere - not if he isn't ready for it

The problem is that it sounds like it's the OP who isn't ready for it rather than the DS. I do understand that dealing with anxiety can be very difficult but you don't want to make your son nervous of being away from you by never allowing him to spend time apart from you either

YABU - but you have a mental health issue, so cant help being U, it's really not ok for anyone to be angry with you for it, however it's also not ok for you to expect your DH and others to give in to your panics, rather than try to find a way round them.

If you can afford for PIL to stay at the hotel, that seems like a good solution.

In the meantime, can you arrange for your PIL to have DS for a day at some point to help get yourself used to it, so being away from him isn't triggering your anxiety in the same way. If 'different' triggers your anxiety, then you need to make being away from DS not feel 'different' at some one else's event.

I’m going against the grain as well. You don’t have to leave your 2 year old if you’re not ready. We have never left our 3 year old overnight, we just don’t have anyone who could or would have her. It’s fine. We do events like this separately so we both still socialise etc. I know many others who haven’t left their children until they’re older because they haven’t wanted to or needed to or don’t have anyone who would have them. It’s not a necessity.

Doubt the in laws will want to make a three hour journey given DS is 2 and could stay at theirs but for your anxiety.

If you can afford it, suggest getting private talking therapy for the anxiety.

OP has family help though, nerrsnerr.

Op

Has you dh verbally confirmed that you child is no longer invited?

Could it be all invites just said that? Before getting upset, maybe get confirmation first

Why the speech marks for anxiety? OP has stated she has a problem for which she is awaiting talking therapy.

Yes, anxiety conditions are pretty common in RL! motherhood can exacerbate or even cause them! People often talk about it on MN, which is good.

But if the OP doesn’t feel comfortable leaving her son she doesn’t have to. It doesn’t make her unreasonable for not wanting to leave him for a night.

They aren't being unreasonable to only want family children at the wedding, they are being unreasonable to tell you son was invited and then change the rules. Don't go if you don't want to leave him.

It’s their choice if they want children at their wedding. It’s your choice if you want to go. No one is being unreasonable.

this

Don’t go if you don’t want to, they have given you the perfect excuse. I wouldn’t have left my 2 yr old to go to a wedding unless I was very fond of the bride or groom.

Your DH can go on his own if he wants. At least he won’t have to find a babysitter.

@Dozer

Why speech marks when quoting someone?

Did I misunderstand?

OP would be U though if, for example, she personally knows the couple well.

Her H’s wishes are also a factor.

It's a shame if anxiety stops you both going to a wedding and stops your son having what will probably be a fabulous night at his grandparents. You've left him over night before so logically know he will be fine.

Although on a waiting list I would speak to your gp again. When mental illness starts to negatively impact not just your life, but your families, it is time to get serious. Speak to your doctor again and see if there is anything they can do short term to help.

Your objective needs to be to understand when the disorder starts to negatively impact you and your family and do everything in your power to prevent that happening.

If your anxiety is preventing you from going, don't go. It's no one is being unreasonable. It's just unfortunate. Really shouldn't be angry at them for not inviting your son though.

It’s goady to query “anxiety” (speechmarks).

NerrSnerr - but the OP's DH has broken his leg and can't really get to the wedding unless someone drives him, and the OP is the only person available to drive him. So if she doesn't go, he can't go separately.

They have family willing to have their DS overnight. They have previously left him overnight and there was no problems for DS, only the OP found it stressful, not the child and not the people caring for him. However, this will be a whole day and overnight, and she'll be further away.

It's not at all an issue of the child not being ready to be left nor of lack of anyone to do it. It's just a problem of the OP's anxiety, and if the Bride and Groom are U or not for only having 'family' children at their wedding. (I'd say not.)

Yabu. Dh goes alone if you not happy to leave ds.

We had a declined invitation fro our wedding because the parents couldn't find a sitter...for their 16 year old!

Tbh, Fuzzy, I know quite a few 16 year olds that couldn't be trusted to stay alone overnight without a responsible adult present!

Coffee explained it well. The husband has a broken leg, the child is fine over night with his grandparents, it's the op sufferers from anxiety disorder and can't leave her son.

No one is being unreasonable as such, certainly not the couple, but the op needs to do everything she can to address her illness.

If you go to the wedding, are you going to spend the entire time worrying about your child.

If you are unable to go and enjoy yourself, don't go.

I would only go if I was entirely happy to.

Peoples opinions will obviously differ on this but I don't think YABU at all, I have anxiety about leaving my little ones and this would annoy me, mainly really because they'd already said to your dh kids would be allowed. We had a family wedding in America and after we'd booked the flights and accommodation the groom got his parents to tell my MIL that kids weren't invited!! We ended up staying at the venue, finding a location baby sitter on recommendation from the family we have there and she sat mine and SILs DC's, we went back to be there after ceremony so missed drinks, had to miss most the dinner to go back to put them to bed and left early to relieve the sitter (all of which we were fine with, DH stayed with his family and friends there), could that be an option if you stay at the venue?

I don't see your anxiety as being different from your DH broken leg. He can't there on his own and you won't be happy leaving DS.

It's not a AIBU. You can't have accepted because they have only just sent the official invite.
You casually agreeing to go means as much as the casual invite. Zilch.

Dont think anyone is being unreasonable anxiety is awful. I would invite babysitters along book them a nice room. Enjoy yourself and can go back to ds whenever you are ready.

OP - definately see about PIL coming to the hotel too, that does seem like the only compromise.

The other option seems to see if anyone else can drive DH. Are there any other couples going from your area who might be able to give him a lift?

Finding a way that DH can go should be your priority. Be it sorting for PIL to have DS at the wedding venue hotel, or finding ways you can prepare yourself for leaving DS for that long (a day soon with PIL so you have done leaving him in the day time too while being close at hand?), or finding a route to get DH to the wedding without you. ( But trying to get the B&G to change their minds about no non-family children isn't an option.)