To want DS to be less of a crybaby?

[jamoncrumpets]

Ok I admit that was a mildly inflammatory post title - and I should point out that I'd NEVER call DS this (to his face) and am, in fact, a pretty soppy mum, but I'm absolutely at my wits end with him atm.

DS is 3. He has speech delay and probably (not officially diagnosed) high functioning ASD. He can communicate very well with me and his family, he's just not interested in other children at all and misses the finer points of social communication. We're undergoing all the relevant assessments and referrals to get him help with this, but it's a long process.

The problem is that since just before Christmas we've had REAL problems with DS crying over pretty much everything. The main issue is if I, or his dad if he's around, leave his sight. I always explain very clearly where I'm going to DS and when I'll be back, but even if I do this and nip up to the loo I will come back down to him in floods of tears, or he'll come and find me, sobbing. Even if his DF is in the room with him. I'm pregnant, so I have to pee a lot - so he's crying about this several times a day. DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

But it's little things too. Today I needed a blood test. Luckily the queue was short. We got in and he started sobbing uncontrollably because he wanted a biscuit, with no let up. Obviously I couldn't furnish him with said biscuit with a needle in my arm, it was a nightmare. Then he cried because he didn't want to go back into the car.

When we got home I let him out of his car seat and went to the front door, but forgot I'd left my door keys in the car, so we had to nip back across the road (on street parking) to grab them. FLOODS of tears. Complete freak out.

I always explain what's going in to him, so in the first situation I said 'We will be here one minute, then we'll go home in the car and you can have a snack', and in the second I said 'Mummy forgot her keys, we just have to get them, then we'll go inside' - but he's already too upset to be able to listen and digest this information properly.

My main worry is this: I'm having a baby in about seven weeks. The idea of juggling a very emotional 3.5 yo and a newborn absolutely fills me with horror. I hope that this is just a phase, maybe terrible twos a bit late because of the speech delay? But what if it isn't?! How can I make him a bit happier, Mumsnet?

Have you spoken to a GP about this or a specialist? Sounds like his treatment needs improving, the situation is only going to get worse as you get closer to the birth. And what is he going to be like when you are in labour

He's not even been officially diagnosed yet. That process takes AGES.

Can you give him something that smells of you so he can use it as a comforter?

He’s 3 with speech problems. I’m sorry but it may not get better until his speech is better. My twins were the same (although no suspected ASD) and they were very emotional. If they can’t verbally communicate then crying is all they can do.

The only thing you can do is make sure you’re down on his level and communicate directly at him (if that makes sense). I’m not sure there’s a lot a GP can do if you’re already under SALT.

He has a comforter but we don't let him have it in the daytime because it turns him into a bit of a zombie!

Thanks for being straight up Diana, I suspected as much. He is improving every day but he's still not where he should be, and when he's upset it's like he forgets all his words.

If there really isn't anything wrong, I would you suggest you just let him cry as it is his way of expressing his emotion. You can't make him deny his emotion, that wouldn't be healthy. So give him a little comfort to acknowledge that he is upset, but don't fuss over him and try to stop him from crying. He will realise that the crying doesn't get him any more attention than going for a cuddle etc would, so it won't turn into attention seeking behaviour. Perhaps give him a soft toy to cuddle and reward any small improvement or any attempts at self soothing with lots of praise.

Hard to do though because the sobbing is difficult to listen to! But he won't hurt himself sobbing.

I wonder if this is as much about becoming a big brother. Coupled with language delay and suspected ASD, it is going to be a very confusing time for him. You will be leaving him for a short while (while in hospital having baby). It's scary. He doesn't have the capacity to explain how he feels and he might not have the capacity to understand what you are telling him - my adhd/suspected asd son can get very emotional when he doesn't understand something. We have to break it down into much smaller chunks and let him process one before introducing the next.

Patience and plenty of love and reassurance will help.

I forgot to mention something important on my OP, sorry to dripfeed. In April last year I had a miscarriage. I was away from DS for a day and in bed upstairs for a few days. In early December I had a big bleed from a haematoma and was blue lighted to hospital. DS was in nursery at the time. I wasn't there to get him and a friend took him to her house until my Dad could come down and pick him up for me. This is when the separation anxiety stuff started. It's got to the stage now where DH and I can't be in different aisles in the supermarket because DS can't handle us one of us leaving.

Don't get me started on the baby stuff Minisok, tbh I'm not sure he has any idea that I'm having a baby. Despite me explaining it to him, taking him to scans and reading books with him.

You're right, that's a VERY inflammatory post title

Poor little lad, he sounds as if he doesn't know if he's coming or going. Is it to do with your pregnancy - how far does he understand what it means? Does he think you're ill - could that be behind the upset at hospital visits? He does know that when you 'go to have the baby' you are coming back again afterwards, right?! Has he any idea of how life is going to change for all of you with a new baby around?

Just some ideas off the top of my head - really it sounds as if he's struggling with an enormous amount of big feelings he doesn't know how to handle, and can't express in any way other than crying. Try and find out what's going on in his head and develop more effective strategies to help him handle these feelings, defuse upset and help him to feel secure with you, his dad and other carers. And let the poor child have his comforter if he wants - he clearly needs it, and is unlikely still to be carrying around with him at age 18, I promise.

"He has a comforter but we don't let him have it in the daytime because it turns him into a bit of a zombie!"

Is that not better than all day distressed and crying though?

I can't find out what's going on in his head Puntastic, because of the speech delay. Believe me when I say I've tried VERY hard to work it out.

X-post - so sorry to hear of your miscarriage and haematoma, that must have been really scary for all of you. And yes, I would guess it has a lot to do with how your son feels.

StormTreader, he's not crying all day. Just when I'm not in his sight line or when things don't go the way he thinks they should in his head.

Yes sorry, tbh your post title irritated me a bit and I came off rather judgy. I'm trying not to be, it's clearly not merited. What about play/drawing - if he can't tell you in words how he feels, could he act out with dolls or teddies...?

I can't comment on the asd side of things but I'm also pregnant with a 3 years old. At the start of my pregnancy I was hospitalised a few times and for a couple of months afterwards she wanted to know where I was at all times. My dd doesn't have a speech delay so she can kind of explain what is wrong but I imagine for your little boy he is trying to verbalize what he's feeling but can't so he cries. My dd did get better a couple of months after I stopped having the hospital admissions although I will admit her behaviour has got more challenging again the closer we are getting to my due date. You have my sympathy.

Part of the ASD/speech delay thing Puntastic, is that he doesn't play in that way.

Weirdly, he will go into nursery quite happily with barely a backwards glance when I leave. But I think he's very secure in the knowledge that me or DH will always be there at pickup.

So a whole day at nursery - fine.
Mummy upstairs having a wee - batshit.

I think you need to find ways to get him used to being without you. If he cries, he cries. That means nursery, family members, making sure your partner takes him out. Pandering to him now when you are about to have another baby, and presumably leave him alone again, is not good for him.

DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

I find this a bit odd/worrying, TBH. 'terrified'?

You explain to him but does he understand? What's his sense of time like (can he understand "first X, then Y" statements yet)? This only tends to develop at the end of the second year in nt children and is often delayed in those w autism. Same with abstract concepts like "where" something is when its not in sight.

What is happening now may be in response to your miscarriage last year, or may be the perfectly normal separation anxiety stage (only delayed). Whatever, it's real to him and tears are a perfectly normal way of expressing his emotions. It's really unhelpful to think about it as "him being a crybaby", even if you never voice the thought.

Try reassuring. Try keeping explanations very simple. Work on understanding words like "go" "come back" "now" "later". Try social stories and visual timetables so he gets what's going on. Try hiding and seeking games (with toys rather than yourselves) so he understands "Where is x" and get him to show/say where things are.

He will get there, with help.

I'm trying to get DH to do more with him Duchy, as I think the same. But DH has become so reluctant to try because DS just sobs the whole time, and he just can't handle DS when he's upset. I know he needs to. But I can't force him to. Yesterday I nipped to the loo while we were out and DS had a full on meltdown - DH was in bits. He even rang me while I was on the loo. He and DS are very similar...

Given your info about December, you've probably hit the nail on the head with separation anxiety.

Your Dh is going to have to step up as well though. He can't be terrified of a small child with additional needs, it will just make things worse in the long run.

What is his comforter? Dummy or toy? Either way, he needs it to feel reassured. It's safe for him. So even if you start giving it to him when you go to the toilet but he hands it back when you are finished, you are reinforcing that he is safe while you are not there.

Jamon - sounds just like my son who just turned 3 and also has a speech delay. Can't go upstairs without him trailing behind me, when we're home together he wont let me leave his sight!
But happy to be in nursery too! He's fine to be left with DH too which makes it somewhat easier, and I do leave them together often to do things that need to be done. But sometimes I wanna scream when he says 'Mama there?' for the 100th time!