To want DS to be less of a crybaby?

[jamoncrumpets]

Ok I admit that was a mildly inflammatory post title - and I should point out that I'd NEVER call DS this (to his face) and am, in fact, a pretty soppy mum, but I'm absolutely at my wits end with him atm.

DS is 3. He has speech delay and probably (not officially diagnosed) high functioning ASD. He can communicate very well with me and his family, he's just not interested in other children at all and misses the finer points of social communication. We're undergoing all the relevant assessments and referrals to get him help with this, but it's a long process.

The problem is that since just before Christmas we've had REAL problems with DS crying over pretty much everything. The main issue is if I, or his dad if he's around, leave his sight. I always explain very clearly where I'm going to DS and when I'll be back, but even if I do this and nip up to the loo I will come back down to him in floods of tears, or he'll come and find me, sobbing. Even if his DF is in the room with him. I'm pregnant, so I have to pee a lot - so he's crying about this several times a day. DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

But it's little things too. Today I needed a blood test. Luckily the queue was short. We got in and he started sobbing uncontrollably because he wanted a biscuit, with no let up. Obviously I couldn't furnish him with said biscuit with a needle in my arm, it was a nightmare. Then he cried because he didn't want to go back into the car.

When we got home I let him out of his car seat and went to the front door, but forgot I'd left my door keys in the car, so we had to nip back across the road (on street parking) to grab them. FLOODS of tears. Complete freak out.

I always explain what's going in to him, so in the first situation I said 'We will be here one minute, then we'll go home in the car and you can have a snack', and in the second I said 'Mummy forgot her keys, we just have to get them, then we'll go inside' - but he's already too upset to be able to listen and digest this information properly.

My main worry is this: I'm having a baby in about seven weeks. The idea of juggling a very emotional 3.5 yo and a newborn absolutely fills me with horror. I hope that this is just a phase, maybe terrible twos a bit late because of the speech delay? But what if it isn't?! How can I make him a bit happier, Mumsnet?

So if he has ASD you're in a whole different place than anyone else with an NT toddler. The issue for ASD toddlers is the transition or anything outside what he expects to happen.

If you have the money I'd highly recommend early intervention privately. It's most effective the younger they are. An ed psych who runs a social communication group or a preschool aimed at ASD toddlers. They need very specific intervention.

One huge help with my son who behaved very similarly to yours at 3 was a visual time table. Have a google for examples. You need to use pictures in a sequence to tell him what's going to happen. Words are cutting it. So every day you lay out what will happen using the pictures. And go through again after each thing is done like eating breakfast (take that card away).

We also had a "first/then" placemat. One side was bright red and said "first" the other half was bright green and said "then". If I needed to go to the loo I would grab the laminate card with a toilet on it and pop it on the first half. Then I pop a card with a biscuit or something he likes on the "then" half. Use very simple words. 'First mummy goes to the loo, then you have a biscuit'. Big sing song voice and scoop him up and take him with you. Pee fast and run back to the place at and take the toilet picture away. Then give him his biscuit and take the biscuit card away. Consistent simple language to accompany the cards is key. At our early intervention place they trained both DH and I which gave DH far more confidence.

If it makes you feel better DS is now 7, fully verbally and is SO much better!

First of all, don't listen to people telling you not to 'pander' ugh ugh ugh, I hate that word).

Path of least resistance. Get a good supportive sling for the baby so you will have your hands free to deal with him. Let him come to the loo with you if he likes. I might have missed a mention but his receptive language is (presumably) likely to be way ahead of his expressive, so keep talking and explaining, even if it doesn't seem to be going in. Consider giving birth on your own (I mean without dh, not freebirthing!) so he has consistency of care during that time. (I too am a bit about 'terrified', tbh. You have to deal with it, after all).

Speak to your HV and your DR jamoncrumpets and tell them just how bad it has become and what the catalist for it was(not being picked up by who he expected his Mum/Dad,going to a different house,being picked up by Grandad,and you can bet that your friend,DH and Grandad would have all been very worried about you and upset for you and your DS would have heard this/felt this)although he can't vocalise how he's feeling he's doing the only thing he can do his sobbing is his way of telling you and your DH that he is absolutely terrified of that situation ever happening again,it's quite similar to PTSD(and I don't say that lightly I say that as someone that has suffered PTSD)

From what you've said you and doing all the right things and I do know just how hard it is,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are asd.

The fear of you not being there is something we struggled with for a few years with our DD10 and asd and she has no speah delay but the memory of an elephant and can remember me going to the Dr's and then being blue lighted to the hospital,even now we never mention if I have to go to hospital or the dr's to save her having the fear again that I might not be coming home.

On a personal level all you can do is keep reassuring him,letting him come to the toilet with you could be a good idea(I know it's a bit of a pain)that way he will start working out for himself that there's nothing to fear,that Mummy will be coming back down those stairs and everything will be fine.

Because at the moment it sounds very much like your poor little boy thinks that when either you or your DH are out of his eyeline that something awful is going to happen to one of you,as dreadful as this is at the moment it's actually a big compliment to you both this is your DS showing that your both great parents and just how important you both are to him and just how much he loves you both.

If your not getting what you need from your DR/HV get intouch with www.autism.org.uk

www.cerebra.org.uk/

I don't know what area your in Jam but have a look online as well as some areas now have independent charities for specific areas of the country.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and Good luck with everything,I hope things start improving for you all soon

I 3rd now and next boards. Obviously they don't help for unforeseen changes to plans, like forgetting your keys. But, if your child in general feels more secure then he might tolerate small changes.

Are you going along to any autistic support groups, OP? Many will allow you to go along to them while still going through the diagnosis procedure.

He’s only 3, bless him.

I deliberately did not talk about our second baby I was pregnant, until I was close to my due date. They have absolutely no concept of time at that age and talking and talking about something which hasn’t happened yet will up the anxiety levels.

I would suggest you ramp down the talk of being a big brother etc etc because he won’t know what it means. Not really.

I would get ds used to being with dh and just dh. Plus the grandparents for short bursts so that when I did go into labour, we just treated it like any other day. Then I came home with his sister and just treated it as normal. Ds took his cue from me and he was ok until dd got older

Lots and lots of visual stuff.

Now and next boards are basically picture cards with a board to put them on.
So first card has mummy and ds, next one has mummy on loo, next one has mummy and ds.

Put the 3 cards on the board in order, and say, in VERY clear terms what is happeing.
Now we are playing in the lounge
Next Mummy is going to the loo
Then mummy and ds will play in the lounge.

Also try getting 3 cut outs of you dh and ds, actual photos probably works best as symbolic representation can take a while to process.
Have some pitcure backgrounds, (draw them with a felt pen on peice of card) to be your house,

tell little stories, Mummy, dh and ds in the lounge watching tv.
Mummy goes into the kitchen, (make the cut out mummy walk into the kitchen)
Daddy and ds are still watching tv in the lounge.
Look mummy's coming back again.

Oh just seen Cindy's post, she says it much better

Please let him have his comforter.

You’ll think this is mad but I can recall clearly my mother’s distress over a lost baby, my fear she would disappear, my hatred of the vile short term help, and my reliance on my smelly vest, my teddy and our dog. I spoke my own language which only my sister and the dog understood. If I didn’t have my smelly vest I was lost.

Are things better with your DH since this ?

He might well be picking up on the dynamic.

But with ASD there are some battles not worth fighting. Comforters being one, solo toilet trips being another.

just to add, if he does have ASD, then he will have times when he gets overloaded with input, and having his comforter and zoning out and being a zombie for half and hour, is a crucial part of his needs during the day, gives him time to calm down and reset, ready to face the world again.
I would work on 'shall be leave comforter on the sofa while we do the puzzle?' as a way of showing him he doesn't need it all the time, but, to be honest, right now with all that is going on, is not the time to reduce comforter time.

I have a DS1 with ASD, and had DS2 when he was 3 - you have every ounce of my sympathy.

Does he ever go with you to the loo? So, saying, “I need a wee, would you like to come with me?” Or “Let’s go to the loo, you can wait on the landing while I’m in the loo” etc. So basically ‘indulging’ the anxiety but on your terms, rather than waiting for the meltdown to happen first.
He may eventually get bored and realise you’re not going anywhere worrying.
Likewise, take him with you back to the car, etc., carry if necessary.

I’d reintroduce the comforter now TBH, his stress levels will be thru the roof when the new baby comes, and if it helps him feel secure then its a positive thing.

Have you heard of proprioception? DS1 had a full private OT assessment last year at 6yo, and we found out he has major sensory issues stemming from proprioception - the feeling of knowing where you are in space. He needs constant physical feedback to feel secure/stable, so lots of touching or texture/weight/tightness. His clinginess as a baby makes total sense now! We used to call him The Limpet.

Very best of luck with all this OP. It might help to know that you don’t need a diagnosis to apply for an EHCP, friends with an ASD 3yo have had one for a year.

Have you tried signing instead of speech? Or picture flashcards so he can map them to explain a bit better?

Sounds more like he may understand the baby thing more than you think and he's internally freaking out about it. Could you try love bombing?

Or making it a game when you go the loo? "Lets see who can get upstairs first!" anything to avoid the tantrum?

Oh and give him the comforter. Just make sure you have 4 identical ones for when it needs a wash or he loses one.

My DS aged 3 is similar no ASD. He will not stay with anyone, will sob and call me non stop if I go the the loo. No special needs I know of, he is been clingy from day 1. is there any way of building his confidence. It is not nice I feel at my wits end too many times.p

Your DH needs to get a sling and carry him everywhere and talk to him. Massages also are excellent for calming that anxiety. He has been shocked by the separation around your miscarriage, (sorry about that) and is anxious. He needs plenty of hands on comforting, not criticism.
You’ll be with the baby and your DH will be with the toddler.
He may get a lot less stressed when the baby arrives, as the baby will be company, or he could go the other way. Be ready for both scenarios.

See a speech therapist for him, and teach him some sign language. Pay privately if needs be, but do it soon. Get balloons and make mmm, ddd, pppp, tttt, nnn sounds with them pressed up to his lips. Sing to him. Make it a game.

We taught our preverbal kids baby sign language and they never had any anxiety or tantrums because they could communicate even though they were pre verbal. We also did a lot of skin on skin contact, and baby massage so they were very calm. He needs to be in contact with one of his parents more than you think.

He’s recovering from shock of separation. Only by clinging to you/DH will he be able to reset and relax, so, you and DH will need to pick him up and hold him, and don’t put him down until ds chooses. Stitch in time, saves nine.

DS is the size of a large four year old. So a sling wouldn't work for us.

many things at play here and without the diagnosis I think what happened last year with yur miscarriage could cause post trauma in anyone especially a child and their associating things when they cant make sense of it.
so he saw mummy being away.he saw your pregnant he didn't understand he probably picked up on the devastation.and now he sees mummy pregnant.,... ergo something bad going to come again and mums going to leave me again.
and this is for any child before then you have possible asd and so his way to see sense of things or act with emotional rationality will just be impossible.
for many with this you might find this is something after diagnosis you have to deal with.its a common symptom Ive heard.when they cant communicate verbaly crying is there only form.
and then when htye cant have you tell them all will be ok with the baby everything will be heightened I'm sure.
does he have a toy.could you buy get him to choose a small comfort teddy.put this label to it.make it that certain thing he can reach to whe he feels unsure.you kiss it and tell him you've put your love into it so wherever you might be its all still there in comforter bear.(this was similar to what we got told to do and worked) then wherever you might be you can be with him( via phone tell him to hold the bear if you need to be in hospital) its something to cuddle,hold and get safety from.also mummies promise she loves him and will come back but bear will look after him till then.
you can then get him to sing or count along with teddy till he can calm down.it worked wonders.
also explain about this baby if you can.sit him down and tell him bout new brother and sister.how its a good thing.how he will have someone to have fun and look after.do you have kicking?get him to feel it his sibling saying hello.he cant wait to meet him and that where you might have to go to suddenly as borther and sister chooses when he wants to come meet you all.
get dh to keep calm. kids are so sensitive they can pick up on parents emotions more than anything else.its how they see the world when they cant communicate verbaly.they see our emotions.
could he have a special song with dc.or story.he could say shall we say magic story to help you.put some really positive assocaiteions back in.
everything at the minute I think just seems to be uncertain for both you and the dc.so you need to come together with some good things.good associations.
I'm so sorry bout you time last year too.that cant be helping your own mood or responses through no fault of your own.
what would help you too.a calm mummy will help all.he will pick up on your calm and happiness then too.
take care.
if you do get diagnosis and this is some of whats to come get support with how to cope.there is help out there.push for it.

Hello LetsGo, I just want to clear a few things up.

1. DS is a very large 3yo, too big for a sling. I wore him for two years, until he became too heavy.

1. I took him to baby signing for a year, baby/toddler sensory for two and baby massage for the first six months of his life.

1. We had PLENTY of skin to skin when he was a baby/small tot. He is held and hugged a LOT.

He has ASD and speech delay, that is the issue here.

I don’t really know what to advise. I have a DS with ASD. Certain things would make him desperately unhappy but he’s not too bad reacting to change. What your DS seems to find hard is when anticipated activity is interrupted, and something else substituted. This can be really hard for an ASD child. So if my DS has his heart set on a Strawberry one cream. We go to the shop - they’re out of strawberry. There’s other flavours he likes but, no, if he can’t have strawberry it’s the end of the world. We have tears and a mood for several hours. What can help is to go through what will or might happen beforehand in careful steps. You can’t anticipate leaving house keys in the car, but maybe giving him a minute or so to adjust before dashing back.

As for the separation anxiety, have to say, my DS would come everywhere with me. He even used to sit on a bumbo outside the open bathroom door while I peed. And no, it didn’t make him worse. It reassured him that if he needed me Id be there, and that meant that his confidence increased. I think that if your DS is crying when you leave the room, then take him with you. He needs all the comfort and reassurance he can get before the new baby comes, because he will find that terribly hard.

He has ASD and speech delay, that is the issue here

Contact the National Autistic Society and ask for some strategies to help him cope. I second the visuals, they make an enormous difference to my autistic children.

Secondly, and I mean this kindly, he isn’t NT, so if you measure him by NT standards and use emotive language to describe him that doesn’t help you or him. I appreciate that it’s exhausting and difficult, all 3 of mine are autistic so this is coming from a decade of research and trial and error. Sometimes even slight adjustments in the way you phrase things can have an enormous effect, and make life easier.

Do you still have a HV? They can chase up referrals or offer help and support in the meantime before the assessment is done.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you measure him by NT standards, he’s always going to fall short in your eyes. If you do some research into autism and coping strategies it might make the process easier for all of you.

OP - I know the tone of LetsGo's post was a bit off, but I think what she was saying, which makes a lot of sense, is that if he now has seperation anxiety due to the circumstances of the last year, then the way to reset that is to give hime an overload of contact now.
Which sort of makes sense, you don't need to use a sling to do that etc
However if he has ASD he may really crave firm physical contact, or he may find it too much.

Do you feel you can discuss your concerns with the nursery staff who look after your son? They know your son and I presume have some formal training and some level of expertise that could be helpful. They also might be able to offer some additional support. You mentioned he experiences no separation anxiety when you drop him off at nursery so it sounds like he's happy there. Maybe if they know that he is experiencing this distress they could give him some extra reassurance about the changes that are happening at home. Lots of children regress a bit when there mum is having a baby. It's a huge adjustment for a child.

Their not there oops

Also, and I’m sorry if I’ve misinterpreted your posts but you seem to be angry that he has ASD and speech delay. Not angry with him, but angry with the situation, so is it worth seeking some counselling to help you work through your own emotions? That might help make it easier for you to cope with his iyswim? None of us are at our best when we’re exhausted and overwhelmed.

(None of that was meant in judgement, in case it reads wrong written down)