To want DS to be less of a crybaby?

[jamoncrumpets]

Ok I admit that was a mildly inflammatory post title - and I should point out that I'd NEVER call DS this (to his face) and am, in fact, a pretty soppy mum, but I'm absolutely at my wits end with him atm.

DS is 3. He has speech delay and probably (not officially diagnosed) high functioning ASD. He can communicate very well with me and his family, he's just not interested in other children at all and misses the finer points of social communication. We're undergoing all the relevant assessments and referrals to get him help with this, but it's a long process.

The problem is that since just before Christmas we've had REAL problems with DS crying over pretty much everything. The main issue is if I, or his dad if he's around, leave his sight. I always explain very clearly where I'm going to DS and when I'll be back, but even if I do this and nip up to the loo I will come back down to him in floods of tears, or he'll come and find me, sobbing. Even if his DF is in the room with him. I'm pregnant, so I have to pee a lot - so he's crying about this several times a day. DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

But it's little things too. Today I needed a blood test. Luckily the queue was short. We got in and he started sobbing uncontrollably because he wanted a biscuit, with no let up. Obviously I couldn't furnish him with said biscuit with a needle in my arm, it was a nightmare. Then he cried because he didn't want to go back into the car.

When we got home I let him out of his car seat and went to the front door, but forgot I'd left my door keys in the car, so we had to nip back across the road (on street parking) to grab them. FLOODS of tears. Complete freak out.

I always explain what's going in to him, so in the first situation I said 'We will be here one minute, then we'll go home in the car and you can have a snack', and in the second I said 'Mummy forgot her keys, we just have to get them, then we'll go inside' - but he's already too upset to be able to listen and digest this information properly.

My main worry is this: I'm having a baby in about seven weeks. The idea of juggling a very emotional 3.5 yo and a newborn absolutely fills me with horror. I hope that this is just a phase, maybe terrible twos a bit late because of the speech delay? But what if it isn't?! How can I make him a bit happier, Mumsnet?

@zzzzz I’d also agree with everything you said.

The comforter especially, during times you have to be apart.

You have the answer - give him his comforter. His dependence on it will probably decrease as his confidence and speech improve. If it doesn't it shows how much he needs it.

Oh yes to the sandtimer, excellent post ZZZZZ

My ds is also very emotional although he's just 2. I've recently had a baby and was very worried about how he would be. I was in hospital a few nights and he did struggle being away from me and has been very clingy since and also worried we will leave him again but he has handled the arrival of his sister surprisingly well. He also doesn't speak much yet so I think crying is his way of communicating and me being pregnant did unsettle him a lot. I bet your son's behaviour is in part a result of him dealing with your pregnancy and being apart from you before. I hope he deals with the baby better than you expect. Good luck.

I agree with others that the time right before a new baby comes isn't really the time to start trying new ways to manage his behaviour. Just love bomb him, lots of hugs and attention and comfort. Let him have his comforter!

I'm doing the right things, I think, but even they're not working

I have an autistic ds. All kids are different, but I've seen kids labelled as walkers, runners, and jumpers when it comes to development. My ds has always been a jumper. Something is "No, no, no, definitely no" for months, then all of a sudden it's "Ok then". And I only started to understand his ways of managing things around age 8/9. Family were very big on "Just make him do it, the world won't bow down to whatever he needs" and it didn't help, it just made him an even more stressed little person. Just try to accept that this is who he is, but it won't always be. Let him cry, give him love and patience.

Zzzzz great advice.

Try and get a big countdown timer or something. Set it when you need to leave the room and say, "Mummy will be gone for 5 minutes. When the clock reaches zero, mummy will be back.

I found visual time references help some children.

Sorry x post with ZZZZZ.

OP The SN boards on here are a mine of information, I'd ask MNHQ to post this thread there for advice from mums who have been there.

Generally, kidswith SN often have a much lower emotional age than physical age, so if he's three, then his emotions will be somewhere around the two-year old level. Please don't expect him to have the emotional coping skills of his physical age.

Smeddum, I'm not at all angry about his additional needs. Never have been. I worked with AN kids prior to being a SAHM. I'm not sure where exactly you've picked up anger from?! Obviously it's difficult parenting a high needs child but I am a reasonably patient person.

Ok, the comforter. I should explain that I am loathe to give it too much because we only have one, and it's been discontinued. I've trawled the internet high and low for extras and they just don't exist.

So if the comforter gets lost we are FUCKED.

@jamoncrumpets I’m sorry if I upset you, it was an observation based on your posts but I stand corrected and I really am sorry if I upset you. I meant it kindly, not in any kind of judgement.

Great advice from cindylou and zzzz about visual timers etc.

You could also try positive reinforcement strategies - so eg reward him for every time he has to be left on his own even for a few seconds and doesn't cry. Practice by literally leaving the room for 5 seconds, if he doesn't cry reward him with whatever is his favourite thing (even food if you need to), then gradually build up and up for longer stretches, so once he's managed 10 seconds then increase to 15 and so on. Each time he's mastered a time, increase bit by bit. It may take lots of practise by the sound of it, but if you're consistent it could definitely help.

But only reward him for not crying, so you're reinforcing the behaviour you want to see. Ignore everything else - don't react to his crying with lots of cuddles etc, just keep neutral. (Obviously I mean if he cries for no 'real' reason, not crying for something like he's hurt himself!) And be totally explicit about why he's getting the treat so he makes the association. He can be taught appropriate/inappropriate behaviour through your reactions to that behaviour - if he gets lots of attention and cuddles when he cries when you leave the room, he'll keep doing it. Whereas if he gets a reward for not crying, he'll then cotton on to this fact!

I have a ds with asd, we did quite intensive early intervention therapy based on positive reinforcement when he was this age and it made the absolute world of difference, we used it for everything from behaviour like this to playing, toilet training, communication, even conversation.

And def look at the SN boards, so much support and advice there. Saved me when ds was little!

DD has a discontinued bunny that she’s been attached to since she was about 3 weeks old. Every time the fecking thing goes into the washing machine I find myself praying that it comes out in one piece!!!

DH and DS are alike? I think your son will receive an asd diagnosis as this was exactly how my DS was. I have Aspergers and he has asd. Apparently, I too was an inconsolable child.

I hope you get the help and support you need, OP. It may be difficult for your DH due to his own sensory issues. Who knows? He DOES need to learn to better handle your son before his sibling arrives or it’ll make things so hard for you, op.

Good luck

My son used to have a real sheepskin rug, bought as his “soft” for stressful times. We cut it into four. Had one in the car. One at nursery, one for bedtime and a ratty looking one that went everywhere with us. 😊

I think your dh needs to stop being self-indulgent. This is for the good of his son.

Not RTFT but I would try pecs style communication. Little pictures of activities coupled with first x then y. This may help you communicate with each other.

Try keeping your sentences short and simple. I find my autistics respond better when i do this. E. G first i would say "put socks on" and when that was done i will say "now put shoes on". He may not be understanding all you say or its too much, so he doesn't get what you want or are wanting to do. Then hes overloaded and a meltdown ensues.

Also try getting something that is same texture as comforter and see if hes able to transfer his affections to it. I got lucky, as one of mine loved their old cot blanket so i just cut it up.

Depending on what the comforter is you could post on LittleBlueCup on Facebook they are great at tracking toys/blankets etc down.

It’s the ASD. I gave my son at 3 (diagnosed at 11 as high functioning ASD), a crying cotbed mattress space in a corner. He was allowed to cry as long as he wanted on it. The spot was not a punishment - far from it - it was comfortable etc. He just got bored of crying and so the episodes reduced. I found it was a catch 22 with my son - he used to get inconsolable and trying to console him made it worse and prolonged. His own special crying spot worked for us.