To want DS to be less of a crybaby?

[jamoncrumpets]

Ok I admit that was a mildly inflammatory post title - and I should point out that I'd NEVER call DS this (to his face) and am, in fact, a pretty soppy mum, but I'm absolutely at my wits end with him atm.

DS is 3. He has speech delay and probably (not officially diagnosed) high functioning ASD. He can communicate very well with me and his family, he's just not interested in other children at all and misses the finer points of social communication. We're undergoing all the relevant assessments and referrals to get him help with this, but it's a long process.

The problem is that since just before Christmas we've had REAL problems with DS crying over pretty much everything. The main issue is if I, or his dad if he's around, leave his sight. I always explain very clearly where I'm going to DS and when I'll be back, but even if I do this and nip up to the loo I will come back down to him in floods of tears, or he'll come and find me, sobbing. Even if his DF is in the room with him. I'm pregnant, so I have to pee a lot - so he's crying about this several times a day. DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

But it's little things too. Today I needed a blood test. Luckily the queue was short. We got in and he started sobbing uncontrollably because he wanted a biscuit, with no let up. Obviously I couldn't furnish him with said biscuit with a needle in my arm, it was a nightmare. Then he cried because he didn't want to go back into the car.

When we got home I let him out of his car seat and went to the front door, but forgot I'd left my door keys in the car, so we had to nip back across the road (on street parking) to grab them. FLOODS of tears. Complete freak out.

I always explain what's going in to him, so in the first situation I said 'We will be here one minute, then we'll go home in the car and you can have a snack', and in the second I said 'Mummy forgot her keys, we just have to get them, then we'll go inside' - but he's already too upset to be able to listen and digest this information properly.

My main worry is this: I'm having a baby in about seven weeks. The idea of juggling a very emotional 3.5 yo and a newborn absolutely fills me with horror. I hope that this is just a phase, maybe terrible twos a bit late because of the speech delay? But what if it isn't?! How can I make him a bit happier, Mumsnet?

Barbarian, he definitely knows 'gone' and 'come back'. I don't think the time sequencing stuff is there yet. So telling him 'later' or 'soon' has no effect.

Omg mscongeniality mine says 'Mummyhere?'

How do you cope?! I feel like I want to buy you a drink!

I cope by handing him over to DH as much as I can to catch a break, oh and Peppa Pig saves my sanity too!!

Could you try a Now and Next board. Get a whiteboard or piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. You can draw what is happening e.g. Mummy going to the toilet and then cuddles. Seeing it may help reinforce the spoken. Or try leaving something of yours e.g. Can you hold my watch until I get back?

I really don't understand not letting him have his comforter. The title was inflammatory but I don't think too far from the truth.

He's only 3 even without the speech delay and potential asd I think you're expecting WAY too much of him. I've looked after lots of children and an easily crying 3 year old would not seem strange to me at all. Even up to about 7/8 actually for sensitive children.

Twice in the last year you've been separated from him for significant amounts of time to him and I'd guess you weren't looking particularly well or were your normal self either. He will have absolutely NO understanding of that beyond a very real fear he could lose you permanently.

What do you do/say when he cries? How are you feeling? (He will sense frustration, irritation)

Give him a break. (And by default yourself) Let him express his natural and understandable feelings of fear, anxiety, frustration. He will in all likelihood outgrow this phase.

The only other thing I can think might help (and I'm no expert in this particular area) is maybe use some sign language with him? To give him a way to communicate with you until his speech improves? Maybe ask the SALT person if this is a possibility.

Waffle the Wonder Dog over here mscongeniality, though he can quote full episodes verbatim now...

The minute I go towards the front door he's on alert, if I have my shoes on he says Mama shoes off or runs and grabs his own shoes to come with. It's hard but I keep hoping it's a phase he will grow out of? Funnily enough he was never like that he's only become like this recently too as you mentioned.

Graphista, I never get visibly frustrated with him. I always reassure, cuddle, speak to him calmly.

But it is fucking tiring. That's the issue. I'm doing the right things, I think, but even they're not working and I'm exhausted.

I feel your pain jamon, our ds is nearly three and completely ruins so much happy time with amateur dramatics. I love him to absolute pieces, of course I do, but oh my god do I wish he would stop crying!

I used to totally love-bomb his paddies, thinking he might be insecure. I've come to realise that it's 90% habit for him; he literally hasn't been taught another way to react that gets him what he wants - which I suppose is comfort, attention, whatever, who knows sometimes.

So at the moment we're trialling literally telling him to stop crying. God that sounds awful, it really isn't! So saying I'm going away, I will come back and you have to not cry, okay? And when I come back if you're not crying we will have a big cuddle, okay? And if he cries because he can't have something we tell him to stop crying and ask nicely with a please, or not to cry and to tell us how he feels; he is really getting somewhere with it, and you can see him really learning to get a handle on his emotions, and being rewarded for that is really helping him I think.

Obviously we're taking care not to teach him to suppress his feelings, just to express them in a helpful way. But yes, that does involve us asking him firmly and frequently to stop crying :(

Full on GGD and suspected ASD here too, Ds is 4, now and next boards are a godsend, so are PEC cards. He can't verbalize, so gets frustrated, leading to the crying. Don't pander, reiterate now and next points when needed, and give him the sodding comforter, he's probably going to need it the next couple months, it's more than likely delayed separation anxiety, plus your DH needs to bloody man up and spend alone time with him

I understand why you'd try that RatRolyPoly, I hope you don't get flamed for that approach. I've thought of doing similar myself.

Where does one procure all these magical items? Now and Next boards etc? I don't have a computer so can't manufacture such things myself.

It doesn't need to be visible in the way you mean though. Our body language and tone of voice express it. Sounds like you're trying really hard to resolve this.

Your dh on the other hand needs to get a feckin grip! Freaking out at a crying child doesn't help you or ds.

I hope I don't get flamed either! But in the end, fuck it if I do. I really think it is the best thing to help my sensitive child learn to manage and express his emotions in a constructive way. I stand by that :)

Post in Special Needs OP. SO many people there with loads of first hand experience. I feel so much for you.x

www.amazon.co.uk/Visual-Later-Picture-Communication-Symbols/dp/B00JNQ96KC?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Board

Does your DS use signing at all, e.g. Makaton?

Not the same situation, but I know with baby signing (we did Sing & Sign), babies can sign before they are physically able to talk in words. It was very useful to know what they wanted or were thinking, and DCs will quite often use signs to supplement their speech for some time after they learn to talk. Apparently this does not detract from learning to talk, it tends to improve it.

I agree with a PP who said let him keep the comforter.

It does sound a very hard stage for you and him, and I hope you find a way forward which is helpful for your DS and less stressful for you.

There's lots of things like it on Amazon, right now though DS has learnt no, I am going batty at hearing no at everything
Although I'm not kidding, your DH needs to pack it in being 'terrified' of dealing with it, get him to snuggle on the sofa with him, but favourite film on, then go for a bath or something

Maybe get DH assessed while you’re about it. I’d start by leaving them at home together because then DH will ‘only’ be dealing with the crying & not the public humiliation as well. He’ll cope, he’ll have to, because you need a break from it. DS will be fine.

You have my every sympathy, because whether it’s warranted or not, it’s draining. Very, very draining. It’s very hard not to show how fed up of it you are (and that’s without being pregnant).

Without knowing your DS it’s hard to offer any suggestions, but because he’s had a few worrying times and with the possible SEN I think I’d just do as much as possible to avoid creating situations where he will be upset, for example I’d say ‘Come on DS I need to go to the toilet’ and take him with you, hopefully after a while he will learn that going with you is boring, it doesn’t take you very long and you go back to where you were before. After a week or so ask him if he wants to go with you or wait there for you...if he choooses to wait be as quick as you can and simply say ‘I’m back from the toilet now DS’ (whether he’s happy or crying) and don’t make a fuss just get on with what you were doing. Just ask him again next time. Same with forgotten keys etc. Just take him with you. I KNOW it’s frustrating, but hopefully he’ll regain his security quickly.

Part of it IS just ‘being 3’, but not all of it.

💐. This too shall pass. I know a lot of Mners HATE that phrase, but it’s got me through a few very trying times.

HI @jamoncrumpets, I have a son who is very, very similar. He is only maybe a couple of months younger than your DS, is speech delayed, suspected high functioning asd and is having at least one melt down every day but they can last for hours. I completely get what your saying about not being able to explain things to him and not knowing if what you've said has actually registered in his mind. I'm not pregnant but DS's dad travels abroad fairly regularly for work, sometimes just a couple of days and sometimes a working week. DS finds the separation from his DF as difficult as the disruption to his routine so those times are pretty hard going. I try to explain what's going to happen before the event but I just don't know how much he understands and it certainly doesn't help with him during his DF's time away. We also then have several days of furious anger when DH returns. My interpretation of it so far is that my DS just doesn't know how to process his emotions at all so he's very reactive. And he's a big boy so even at his age I have to take his buggy everywhere because if he has one of his melt downs when we're out I have no chance of carrying him more than a few feet. He's also in in the process of being assessed. It's incredibly stressful and I don't have any actrual advice, because as you say, once they're in the throws of one of those tantrums there's very little chance of getting through to them. I'd genuinely suggest letting him have his comforter back shortly before you have the baby though and I wouldn't worry too much about him being a bit zombified by it. You're going to need a bit of calm while the baby's tiny and you sound like a loving and conscientious mum and we all need to take shortcuts from time to time.

My DD(5) was very similar, she also has a speech delay. She improved a lot once her speech improved, but she still occasionally cries when I drop her off at school.

I know how hard the separation anxiety is though, it's extremely draining. for you.

Also, try some flashcards with pictures on for his speech delay. He may be able to use them to tell you what he wants, I think you can get some on a keyring so you can take them out and about. It's a nice size for him to fiddle with in the car or at appointments too.

My eldest was a Velcro baby and at three was still coming to the loo with me. I had a another baby by then as well so I tried to think positively both in there in my view so knew they were safe and helped with potty training.

Sometime they’d be just outside door or next room by loo door was open so they could find me. They were usually happy to be left with DH and later GP if around just often weren't. At the time it was a huge struggle to get a wash or go to loo without an audience which I did find a strain at times.

Though I never missed or was late for a pick up for school or nursery DD1 was always very anxious around pick up time - that continued for years after starting school.

I'd keep saying where you are going and being reassuring - and talking about the baby. He's probably taking in something - I'd also ask your DH to step up a bit - try distracting him before he gets upset and reminding him where you are and that you will be back soon.

At 12 DD1 is the most confident of people.

DD is 9, with delayed speech due to deafness and learning difficulties. She's never been quite as prone to crying as you're describing, but still occasionally cries like a much younger child if she's not able to communicate what she's feeling.

It took me a while with DD to realise how hard it is to communicate about time. Some words have so many different meanings which we understand through context, but DD really struggled with - for example 'soon':

• we'll have lunch soon: soon = in the next half hour
• I'll go to town soon and get you some.new trousers: soon = in the next couple of days
• she's having a baby soon: soon = in the coming weeks/months could be any time, we don't know...

Realising how ambiguous our language about time can be, and modifying it to be clearer, has helped. Also when they're little or are struggling with language saying 'five minutes' doesn't mean much. We measure time in episodes of her favourite TV programmes:
"This will take the same time as one gigglebiz"
"Mummy is going for a wee. I will be back in the time it takes to watch one Duggee"

If he's okay going into nursery I wonder if it's what he perceives as the unpredictability of people's comings and goings which is upsetting. He knows how nursery works. He knows how long he'll be there and that you or his dad will be there at the end of the session. So you know he can cope without you really. He'll get there!

Visual aids, first and then etc