To want DS to be less of a crybaby?

[jamoncrumpets]

Ok I admit that was a mildly inflammatory post title - and I should point out that I'd NEVER call DS this (to his face) and am, in fact, a pretty soppy mum, but I'm absolutely at my wits end with him atm.

DS is 3. He has speech delay and probably (not officially diagnosed) high functioning ASD. He can communicate very well with me and his family, he's just not interested in other children at all and misses the finer points of social communication. We're undergoing all the relevant assessments and referrals to get him help with this, but it's a long process.

The problem is that since just before Christmas we've had REAL problems with DS crying over pretty much everything. The main issue is if I, or his dad if he's around, leave his sight. I always explain very clearly where I'm going to DS and when I'll be back, but even if I do this and nip up to the loo I will come back down to him in floods of tears, or he'll come and find me, sobbing. Even if his DF is in the room with him. I'm pregnant, so I have to pee a lot - so he's crying about this several times a day. DH is absolutely terrified of having DS on his own, because of the non stop sobbing.

But it's little things too. Today I needed a blood test. Luckily the queue was short. We got in and he started sobbing uncontrollably because he wanted a biscuit, with no let up. Obviously I couldn't furnish him with said biscuit with a needle in my arm, it was a nightmare. Then he cried because he didn't want to go back into the car.

When we got home I let him out of his car seat and went to the front door, but forgot I'd left my door keys in the car, so we had to nip back across the road (on street parking) to grab them. FLOODS of tears. Complete freak out.

I always explain what's going in to him, so in the first situation I said 'We will be here one minute, then we'll go home in the car and you can have a snack', and in the second I said 'Mummy forgot her keys, we just have to get them, then we'll go inside' - but he's already too upset to be able to listen and digest this information properly.

My main worry is this: I'm having a baby in about seven weeks. The idea of juggling a very emotional 3.5 yo and a newborn absolutely fills me with horror. I hope that this is just a phase, maybe terrible twos a bit late because of the speech delay? But what if it isn't?! How can I make him a bit happier, Mumsnet?

I don't know much about ASD but could you try a more visual reminder of time when you need to nip to the loo, like a sand egg timer he can watch? Or put a song on that you'll be back before it ends?

Hi could you try a social story for him? If you look online you should find one about mummy going to the toilet /shop etc but that she always comes back. If not you can make one yourself, just draw it - stick people. Like a short comic strip and read through it with him - mummy is going to the toilet. I will leave the room. Ds stays with dh/watches tv/ plays etc. Ds doesn't cry. Ds us safe until mummy comes back. Mummy goes to the bathroom. Mummy comes back to room. Mummy and ds have a cuddle.
Use pictures/ drawings for each stage. You will probably need to use it a few times before he will get it but just keep reinforcing it.. Use the words you need but try not to use more than needed.
You could start by making yourself move out of his line of sight in the room initially, outside the door etc. Start of with just a little time. Let him realise you arent there but come in before he gets upset and reassure him. Like yes mummy is here I was in thw Hall. Gradually increase the time and hopefully he will get that you go out but always come back.
Lots of kids with asd really need routines. So for your son it is no problem to leave you to go to nursery because that's the way things are and he is used to it. It happens every day and at the same time. He sees the same people when he is there. He knows what to expect.
I know some people may not agree but it can also be necessary to tell a child with asd(as with any child) that they need to stop. Not shouting at them or to be mean but firm. Ds no more crying you are with daddy or whatever the case may be. Again it will probably take a lot of repetition for this to sink in.

Yes, defo show us the comforter! The MN hive mind has Sherlock Holmes-like powers when it comes to finding things like that.

Ok my son is ASD and suffers massive seperation anxiety. At 16 he still wont sleep anywhere but at home and used to cry sooooo much at nursery drop offs. So thats one positive. Try to seperate anxiety from frustration at communication and then toddler tantrums.
So take him up for a wee. Always give explanations of whats next and time to process it if possible. But sometimes ie wanting a biscuit may just be a standarf tantrum and then you need to ignore and not pander. Not easy I know but really try hard to differentiate between them all.

Show us the comforter, someone on here might have one!

Sadly the lack of emotional stability really is down to ASD. I’d like to say it will improve with age but so far today my DS aged 8 has been in floods of tears three separate times over seriously insignificant shit and I am now enjoying bedtime with a very large glass of wine. For example the last crying session was because I was trying to cheer him up after cry number two, he did a fart and I jokingly called him an explosive ball of gas. He then started crying because I was making fun of his fart

In my personal experience I find DS being either tired, hungry, or overwhelmed by either noise or bad smells (a major sensory sore point for ds) will affect his likelihood of getting angry or upset over random stuff.

For this reason I try to stay on top of keeping him well fed and away from too much sensory stimulation, so he doesnt get so overwhelmed that he becomes emotional.

This may not be relevant for your ds but thought it might help, otherwise I also recommend a large glass of wine