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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP told MIL it was ok to visit although I was seeing my bestie who has moved away

58 replies

sanddunes18 · 22/04/2018 23:57

My birthday soon. MIL says she wants to come and spend the day and DP tells her it's ok and that I had nothing planned. My bestie has been scheduled to come for well over a month and DP can see it in our shared calendar. Bestie wanted to treat me to lunch for my birthday but had to rebook to include MIL as I was told that she was coming to see me for my birthday but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about. She came to lunch and insisted on paying and told my bestie that she would have to treat me some other way. Aibu to be upset by this? Since been told I'm ungrateful for being upset that I didn't get to spend the quality time I envisioned.

OP posts:

TawnyPort · 22/04/2018 23:59

you should be upset at yourself. All you had to do was say sorry, MIL, I already have plans, can't see you today. You didn't.

NickyNora · 23/04/2018 00:00

You should have organised something for just you & your MIL.

Why didn't you?

Fruitcorner123 · 23/04/2018 00:01

but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about

Why not? A simple, "sorry I am out wuth bestie that day, your mum willl have to come over another time"

TittyGolightly · 23/04/2018 00:01

Bestie wanted to treat me to lunch for my birthday but had to rebook to include MIL as I was told that she was coming to see me for my birthday but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about.

You should have reminded your DP and let him sort out your MIL. Why does that require guts?

You should have stuck to the plans you had with your friend and not enabled your DP’s weakness by including your MIL.

OliviaStabler · 23/04/2018 00:01

YABU You could have easily said no that you had other plans and arrange to see MIL another day.

JesusTapdancingChrist · 23/04/2018 00:01

YABU to be upset when you have written the following:

"I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans."

Have the guts.

Original poster

sanddunes18 · 23/04/2018 00:03

@tawnyport she would then be upset and sulk. My MIL coming was organised between her and my DP. I was told "she's coming to see you for the day on Sunday" after it was arranged

OP posts:

FASH84 · 23/04/2018 00:04

At least she didn't expect you to pay for her! This isn't Mail's fault she was told you had no plans so she wanted to see you on your birthday. DP shouldn't have agreed without checking with you and you could've been more assertive in saying to her 'sorry I know DP said I'm free but I'm out with a friend who's moved away that day, are you available on Xdate at all?' . At least she thinks of you and remembers your birthday. Not sure why it was DPs job to tell her you were busy (after his initial faux pas), I speak to my MIL all the time DH is terrible for dates etc so if we're organising a visit we tend to talk to each other. If DH is planning something for himself he'll ask me if he has anything else planned that week 🙄. He has many positive attributes so I let this one go.

TawnyPort · 23/04/2018 00:08

she would then be upset and sulk. My MIL coming was organised between her and my DP. I was told "she's coming to see you for the day on Sunday" after it was arranged

So let her sulk. They arranged it, they could have gone for lunch since you already had plans. You chose to rearrange your plans to accomodate her, you didn't have to. You can't do that and then complain about it.

ISaidIWasTired · 23/04/2018 00:09

I just don't even get threads like this. If my husband said that to me I'd just say no, sort it out. Why on earth can't you just speak to him?

ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 23/04/2018 00:38

You should ahve just carried on with your own plans. Left a lovely note for MIL saying something along the lines of "sorry to miss you - I'd had something booked for weeks. Your lovely son hasn't;t quite learned to read yet . Have a lovely day and hope to see you soon xxx "
Don't be railroaded. Stand up for yourself.

pallisers · 23/04/2018 00:43

but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about

Sorry but this here is your problem. You need to get some guts. Tbh it shouldn't need guts to tell him sometime like that. It should go:

Mum said she'd come up Sunday to treat you for your birthday

Oh, nice idea but I have plans with my friend Mary - tell her another time, maybe Friday?

Ok.

No guts required.

If he is lame enough to say "I can't tell her to change her plans" you say "well you can go out with her - I already have plans that don't include her" and repeat as necessary.

She sulks - so what. You can't control people, only your reaction to them.

Springtrolls · 23/04/2018 00:46

Which you could have said, well it doesn't work for me. I have plans. If she sulks that's her issue, and you shouldn't be pandering to this manipulation.
You also shouldn't need guts to tell your partner anything. if you need guts then you need to look at why.

MrsTommyBanks · 23/04/2018 00:52

Why where you scared to tell your DH no?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2018 00:55

but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about
Why? That's a huge red glad to me, what would he have done?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2018 00:56

NickyNora
You should have organised something for just you & your MIL
Why does OP have an obligation to make plans for the MIL for her own birthday?? If she wants to spend it with her best friend, she didn't need to make delegate plans for every other adult she knows

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 01:00

You need to stand up for yourself. I would have told my DH I have plans. Sorry...but it's your fault here. Although your DP should have checked with you first.

People will walk over you if you let them.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 01:02

If you need guts to say a simple thing like that ... you have a problem in your relationship.

emmyrose2000 · 23/04/2018 01:04

I just don't even get threads like this. If my husband said that to me I'd just say no, sort it out. Why on earth can't you just speak to him?

Precisely. I'm shaking my head at this thread. If (general) you can't say something like this to your own spouse, who can you can say it to?

You have way bigger problems than being double booked on your birthday. Start off by sorting out how to communicate with your partner for a start.

This type of situation/conversation is such a non-event:

Spouse 1: Hey, are you free on Saturday to do Y?
Spouse 2: No, I'm doing Z - it's on the calendar/I told you already.
Spouse 1: No worries. I thought we might do (event), but I'll rearrange it for another day.
Spouse 2: Okay. I'll look forward to it on (other day). Hey, did I tell you what happened at work today....

Also, if I was your friend, I'd have been severely pissed off at having our/my event hijacked like that, especially when you had the power to stop it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/04/2018 01:05

Why does OP have an obligation to make plans for the MIL for her own birthday?? If she wants to spend it with her best friend, she didn't need to make delegate plans for every other adult she knows
Not sure anybody has said she should, I imagine what the poster meant was, spend your day with your friend and arrange a separate day for MIL.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/04/2018 01:07

Got to agree with the majority - you brought this on yourself by not "having the guts" to tell him that you DID already have plans, he DID know about them and you were NOT going to change them so he'd better call MIL back and say it wasn't appropriate, or you would.

You might be a total people pleaser, your DH might be a controlling knob, or some combination of the two - but this is down to you not standing up for yourself and your BFF as much as your DH for ignoring your previously laid plans.
You've now given him the green light to over-ride any other plans you might make in the future - are you going to let him do that every time?

Sn0tnose · 23/04/2018 01:45

I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans

What's going on with this OP? That's not normal. It makes me think you're unable to speak up for yourself in very simple situations or that your DH is abusive. No guts should be required to say 'thanks but no thanks' to your DH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2018 01:47

she would then be upset and sulk. Aaaaaannnnd so?

It's like toddlers. If you give in to foot-stomping and tantrums, they will just do it more. The great thing about sulking is it's really easy to ignore.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/04/2018 02:03

So really this is just a 'vent'.

You wish your MIL had never suggested it, because once it was suggested, there was no going back, due to you not being willing to speak up for yourself.

Right?

Time40 · 23/04/2018 02:13

OP, you need to learn how to say No. You really do.

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