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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP told MIL it was ok to visit although I was seeing my bestie who has moved away

58 replies

sanddunes18 · 22/04/2018 23:57

My birthday soon. MIL says she wants to come and spend the day and DP tells her it's ok and that I had nothing planned. My bestie has been scheduled to come for well over a month and DP can see it in our shared calendar. Bestie wanted to treat me to lunch for my birthday but had to rebook to include MIL as I was told that she was coming to see me for my birthday but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.. which he knew about. She came to lunch and insisted on paying and told my bestie that she would have to treat me some other way. Aibu to be upset by this? Since been told I'm ungrateful for being upset that I didn't get to spend the quality time I envisioned.

OP posts:
thebewilderness · 23/04/2018 03:17

Does your husband obligate you to family activities when he knows you are already booked and expect you to comply with his arrangements on a regular basis?
If so you have a serious problem with a controlling husband.
If it is a matter of you not wanting to deal with the fall out from saying no you have a different problem.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2018 03:35

I really don’t understand why your dh and his mother are deciding how you spend your birthday. You are a grown woman. Had she wanted to see you, she should have spoken to you. It sounds as if you have a difficult communication dynamic. It is nice your mil is trying to do something nice for your birthday but you are not a child.

Why didn’t you have the guts to talk to your mil? Had she been open with her communication in the first place, there would have been no misunderstanding. She and your dh caused this upset, not you. And why is it not ok for her to be upset and sulk but it’s ok for you to be upset and put out? And why is it ok to put your friend out in favour of your mil?

GypsyQueen · 23/04/2018 03:49

Get him bloody told, how dare he make plans for you.

SandyY2K · 23/04/2018 07:13

My MIL coming was organised between her and my DP. I was told "she's coming to see you for the day on Sunday" after it was arranged

I suspect your people pleaser/doormat personality made this possible.

There's no way my DH would organise how to spend my birthday unless he was planning a surprise and even then he'd make sure I was free on the day.

Quartz2208 · 23/04/2018 07:18

How come both your do and mil think it is ok to overrule your plans YANBU they don’t sound v pleasant tbh

Shoxfordian · 23/04/2018 07:26

Why were you scared to say no? Does your partner normally make plans for you and expect you to just go along with them?

Ohyesiam · 23/04/2018 07:26

Remind your husband that you are not a child, and he can’t arrange things for you, he needs to consult.

Are you used to being compliant and saying yes to everything? I was brought up to be like that, feeling I had no right to exist, so having to be grateful for anything. I had to learn to have guts and state my preferences. It felt like I was being really obstructive at first. But the only alternative is to spend your life being upset , or simmering in resentment, which is a waste.
Now I can be fully stroppy if the situation demands!

LannieDuck · 23/04/2018 07:30

This isn't a MIL problem - she had no idea she'd imposed, and was told by DH that you weren't doing anything. It's a DH problem. Why didn't he check the calendar? Or if he did, why did he knowingly over-rule your plans?

Ohmydayslove · 23/04/2018 07:32

You have problems in your marriage op but you know that. Don’t blame your mil.

kaytee87 · 23/04/2018 07:33

It's a bit worrying that you didn't have the guts to speak to your DH about this. Are you often railroaded into things?
I'd ask him why he told mil to come over when he could see you had plans with your friend.

RandomDreams · 23/04/2018 07:44

YABU, why didn't you tell your husband that you had plans?

And please never use the word 'bestie' again, I presume you're a grown woman?

Willow2017 · 23/04/2018 07:50

A simple "Sorry i have plans that day so you will have to tell your mum. I will arrange another day to see her."
Why does your dh arrange your life for you?
Why would you need 'guts' to say that?
You need to speak to each other about this. You are an adult it was your birthday you had plans if i had been your friend i would have been really upset by you allowing mil to spoil them.

SeaCabbage · 23/04/2018 07:51

So many weird things here. For one thing, even if you had no plans whatsover, why on earth would your DH think that you would want to spend your birthday with his mother????

iffyjiffybag · 23/04/2018 07:53

If my OH told me their mother was coming to take me out I would find that the weirdest kind of weird.

Is there a reason DP treats you as a person who is not independent, and why does that extend to making decisions for you?

Fairenuff · 23/04/2018 07:55

Why are you scared of your partner?

Failingat40 · 23/04/2018 07:57

Yabu

Firstly for saying 'Bestie' Hmm and secondly for bitching about you MIL making time to come and spend the day with you on your birthday.

She paid for you and your 'besties' lunch too?

Just wait until the birthdays come when no one gives a shit about you.

Don't use your dh as the communicator, you have a mouth of your own. You should have called her and explained the mix up.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/04/2018 07:58

but I didn't have the guts to tell him to tell her I have plans.

That is worrying. Why are so scared of your husband that you can't even tell him that you have already made plans?

Topseyt · 23/04/2018 08:12

I don't get it. You could easily have just said you already had plans but would love to see MIL another day.

I really can't see why you didn't do that.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/04/2018 08:13

I dare you to tell your DH that your Dad is coming to take him out on his birthday, and that he can't go out for a few quiets with his best mate/s.

TheJoyOfSox · 23/04/2018 08:21

Iwas told "she's coming to see you for the day on Sunday" after it was arranged

To which any normal adult would reply “I’m out that day, she will have to reschedule “

Tbh you and your dp both seem frightened to upset your mil, grow a backbone and you will have no need to grumble on mumsnet about her. But if you continue to let her dictate how you live your lives, you’ll both just get steadily more miserable. She won’t get better with time, she’ll get worse, nip this in the bud now.....you have been warned.

Angrybird345 · 23/04/2018 08:21

Why would you go for lunch with you best friend and MIL!!!! Your fault for saying no. Your dh could have gone for lunch elsewhere with mil for quality mother-son time.

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/04/2018 08:30

Oh God your poor friend!! Honestly you need to toughen up here or you will lose your friendship. I would be seriously pissed off if I made plans to treat a friend for a birthday catch up and she brought her mother in law along. Would I end the friendship? Maybe not but I wouldn't arrange lunch again and I would think less of her

Inkstainedmags · 23/04/2018 08:35

This would have been so easy and reasonable to fix: 'Oh that's very sweet of MIL but have you forgotten that bestie is coming to town specifically to take me out for lunch? Perhaps MIL can come another day.'

I always wonder whether people who get themselves in such easily fixed situations prefer to be the martyr.

DragonMummy1418 · 23/04/2018 08:36

Your DH shouldn't have been telling you what to do on your own birthday but then you should have told him to rearrange it as you had plans already.
Your mil didn't know so it's not really her fault.

PinkSkyAtNightAngelDelight · 23/04/2018 08:38

Why can’t you communicate with your DH?