To not want MIL to refer to herself as "Mummy" around my dc

[tickyticky]

I'm not sure what's gotten into me but this keeps happening and it's really starting to get on my nerves.

I'm very pregnant at the moment and am so up and down emotionally I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable...

Nearly every time we see MIL, which is usually every couple of weeks she refers to herself as Mummy to my dc at least a few times during the visit.

"Give mummy a kiss" "would you like mummy pass that to you" "oops Mummy is in your way". I used to inwardly eye roll but now it just gets me absolutely raging and DD is starting to talk more and more everyday and I'd probably cry if she said "Mummy" to MIL.

Am I being an insecure twat? I know I'm her mummy, she knows I'm mummy, so there should be no issue.
It's just so bizarre for MIL to keep saying it. And DH hasn't called her Mummy since he was about 5.

If she doesn't like gran/granny/grandma/nan/nanny etc try 'Gaga' .

Is she not just used to being mummy to kids, maybe no older grandkids? It's likely she kicks herself inwardly each time, try not to take it so hard.

My sister has recently adopted and I often refer to her as 'Aunty Jane' instead of 'Mummy' to her kids. It's awful but I'm not trying to undermine her, I'm just used to her being Aunty. It's force of habit and I'm mortified but try to make a joke out of it. I hope it doesn't hurt her feelings too much but it must jar a little; we haven't spoken about it but she'd know it's a slip of the tongue and not malicious.
BTW I don't refer to myself as their mum I love being the Aunty now.

I am called mammar (note the R on the end). Pronounced MAM-AR.

My DGS calls his GGM Grandma and GGF Grandpa.

I called my own GPs the same.

I don't understand how people are saying she's not doing it on purpose, I assume her children are all adults so "mummy" is a habit that has long since been broken, so it is on purpose. It's a bit "Hand that rocks the cradley" for me, it may not be malicious but it's very fecking weird and it absolutely is on purpose.

The poster who's mother in law does this since she had a girl, that mother in law is all sorts of crazy

It Is confusing for your DC's. Your H needs to say to his mum that you refer to her as Granny/Nanny or whatever and she's to use that name when you visit as it's too confusing for little ones as they naturally will assume she is talking about you if she says Mummy. If she still doesn't stop he then has to say sorry if you refuse to do something that's in the DC's best interests you will have to reduce the amount of visits. It sounds fairly harmless but it is an insidious way of undermining you and she needs to stop it.

Joanna57 are you from somewhere in the Nottingham area? One of my Grandmas was 'Mommar', the other one was 'Nanna', they were married to 'Grandad' and 'Daddar' respectively.

There are plenty of words/names for grandparents that aren't Granny/grandma

Every time she says it act as if she is talking about you. EG. 'Mummy is in your way' - 'no I'm not I'm over here'
'Give mummy a kiss' - 'give granny one first shes closer'
'Would you like mummy to pass that to you' - 'granny could you hand it to her you're closer than mummy'

I can't imagine anyone would think this is ok, surely shes doing it as a status thing/trying to undermine and annoy you, so just act as if you think she's talking about you and shes getting no reaction and the problem of it confusing DD is resolved.

I’ve heard d if so many grandmothers doing this. So fucking cringe. I’d be mortified.

I agree that you shouldn't stand for this, but I think you could approach it in a sympathetic way. Your MIL hasn't been able to think up a sensible name for herself. Maybe she has changed her mind about the silly long name she originally wanted. "Mummy" is not on offer; it's taken. So are Mum and Mother and similar variants, presumably?

Why don't you ask her whether she still favours the unpronouceable long name and if so, help out by reinforcing it to your dc? They won't manage to say it for a very long time yet, but they can recognise it and will come out with their own version of it. If she doesn't want that name anymore, help her to think of a new one.

She deserves to be called by a name she actually likes. She can use almost anything she wants - just not Mummy!

Don't like confrontation OP, then be prepared to be walked on. You need to toughen up, you have children who will look to you for protection, don't be such a wimp be tiger mother instead.

I think this is behaviour that is pretty much calculated to cause upset. There is one thing you never do around parents, and that is to try to usurp in any way their position with their children. You need to say, quietly and firmly, "Please don't call yourself "mummy". I am the mother of my children. You are "nana" or "grandma"." And don't take no for an answer.

No, they shouldn’t suck it up.

MIL split her family with behaviour like this. Started off with the “Mummy” thing, then, because SIL and BIL said nothing, graduated to trying to do all the firsts and then felt she was sufficiently in charge to make parenting decisions.

By this time she started arguing with her son in law about it and unbeknown to us SIL (MIL’s daughter) was arguing with him about it also. Fast forward a couple of years and Sister in law and H are divorced, niece grows up telling people she has two mummies, MIL badmouths her father and other granny to her and she has little to do with them... until she was a teenager and then locked horns with MIL (sister in law still doing nothing, sucking it up) and feeling so guilty she had ignored her fathers family, became depressed. Scary time. Happier ending, she cut MIL off and now lives with her dad and her other granny who she calls granny like normal people.

Meanwhile SIL gets married again and the pattern is repeated. SIL has just divorced again, the parental alienation has begun and this exBIL is being badmouthed by MIL to his two kids.

I cut her off before she had the chance to wreck my family. FIL met my son, he called him “my son” and swore at me when I objected so he is cut off also.

Don’t suck it up OP.

Slight tangent, but I've seen this happen a few times - when people become grandparents, they suddenly decide they "don't like" or "feel too young for" being called any variant on gran/nan/granddad/ etc and decide on some ludicrous nickname/word from another culture (bonus points if they know absolutely nothing else about said culture)/made-up version that the children will call them instead.

When friends of mine have had kids and their parents announce they're going to be "Pops and Ninaw" or "Oompa and Armmy" or whatever, I also roll my eyes a bit, but hey, their choice. Nine times out of ten the cool version they've picked out has been ditched in favour of Nana and Grandad within the year anyway

Think I would say no that's alright I'm busy and really don't mind granny doing it. alternatively just tell her LO is starting to get confused as had you realised you keep saying mummy when you mean granny?

Ask her maybe what she would like your DC to call her. Nan, gran, grandma, granny, or even by her first name or a mix, eg granny Joan. I would honestly have NO hesitation in saying that she should not refer to herself as “mummy” as it’s confusing for DC, and quite frankly, WEIRD.

It is confusing for your dc, she is not mummy, your dc have one mum, and that's you. She's had her turn.

My MIL says come to mummy or go to daddy about FIL, I keep saying she's not his mum but she says she has been a mum for 50 years and forgets but before baby she never called herself mummy :/

Yanbu

You’ll have to say I’m mummy you’re grandma (or whatever)

Or get your dh to say it

They don’t fucking forget they didn’t give birth to the child, they’re lying.

tickyticky

His mother wants to play at being mother again but this time to your own child.

Find alternative childcare now for your DD; it will do your DD no favours at all to become so confused by her nan's use of the word mummy towards her. Your H's mother has had her turn childrearing and you are this child's mother.

Re your earlier comment:-
"No I haven't said anything to her direct yet. I really hate confrontation and was starting to think I was going bloody mad because after each visit I'd say to DH "why does she keep saying that" and he genuinely wouldn't pick up on it".

Some men are truly blind when it comes to their mothers.
She has likely picked up on the fact that you have not said anything and has run with it. Some men really do not see what their mothers can be capable of, your authority as your child's mother here cannot and must not be undermined by his mother who happens to not like the word grandmother. That is her problem though, not yours.

"He did yesterday though when she said it right in front of him and he replied with "Mummy ... I don't think so" she just laughed and didn't say anything. He said if she says it again he wants to say something because it's pretty confusing for DD and he thinks it's just rude".

Its undermining your authority as parents and as your DDs mother too. Note the lack of apology or remorse from his mother even towards her own son. She knows what she is doing here. He should have said more along those lines at the time.

resent a united front and be aligned in your approach going forward. Do not tolerate this from his mother at all; leave if she starts saying mummy to your child. You hold all the cards ultimately; I would call off all further visits till she ceases with her insistence on being called your child's mummy. You would not have tolerated this from a friend either, parents and inlaws are really no different.

What an odd idea that the OP should just suck it up when another woman tells her child she's the mummy

She's not telling the child she's their mummy though. Just using a name that was hers too. My DH still calls his mother 'mummy' as do many men.

Sometimes my mum refers to herself as mummy instead of granny, it doesn't bother me. I don't think it has anything to do with ownership or boundaries, more a slip of the tongue when they've been called Mummy for so long!

Whatever her motivation I honestly think people don't give children much credit if they think a child will get confused between their mother, who they presumably see every day, and a grandmother who they see once every couple of weeks even if she does it consistently and if OPs husband hasn't heard it before then it sounds like it isn't consistent.

I can remember one of my sons going through a phase where he called pretty much every man he saw Dada, it hasn't scarred him for life and his dad seems to have survived as well.

OP you don't have to have a big fight about it, just consistently refer to her as granny, if she hates granny she will correct you and I bet she won't say she is mummy. Just keep doing it, she will get the message.

Nanny sounds very like Mummy - so whenever she says it, say to your DD "Silly Nanny, she's pronounced it wrong again, hasn't she!! It's NANNY, isn't it? Let's all say it together - NANNY"
If she doesn't like Nanny then she'll sort herself out and come up with an easy-to-say alternative - and if she doesn't then just go with whatever her first or surname is.

There are so many appellations for grandmother to choose from that this can't be any kind of accident - she might not want to "feel old" but she can't jump a generation and effectively cut you out either!! Fucking rude. YANBU or emotional about that, it's appalling behaviour on her part.

You CAN do this, even though you "don't like confrontation" (really, not many people do and that's why they get ridden roughshod over) - otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more problems later. Stand your ground, stand up for yourself as the children's MOTHER, not random non-entity who just happened to give birth to them!