To have not given my savings to my DM?

[CapedCricket]

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

You were completely right to use your savings to buy a house. It has now given you and your family security.
If your DM needed a one off loan/handout for something urgent then maybe you should have thought about whether you could help but NEVER give someone money for everyday living. If they cannot live on their income (especially since it's a fixed government based income) then they'll keep coming back for more and it will get harder to say no.
Maybe offer to help them to manage their current finances and see where they can make adjustments, encourage retraining to get back to work her OAPension is 20 years away. That's a long time to be short on money.

I am older than your Mum & recently went from part time to full time at work . I have a child in university & another hopefully going there soon. I am supporting them as much as I can - the idea that I would sit back, declare myself too old to work & expect them to support me while I still have my health I find mindboggling! I do expect them to have summer jobs etc & move towards independence - but that would be looking after themselves, not me!

‘Kin ‘ell, OP! I’m 45 and work 32 hours a week, two kids, 9 and 11. She’s not much older than me; she can bloody get a job!

@Newyearnewme18 I'm Irish and it is most definitely not the norm to support your parents, far from it. It's the norm for parents to lend/gift a house deposit if they can afford it and it would be seen as quite shameful to take money from your kids. Don't know where you got that from.

OP you are right to put your children first. I'm almost your mother's age and will be working til I drop. I'm sorry but you've been unlucky to have such lazy entitled parents-don't let them make you feel guilty as well.

Bloody hell shes only slightly older than me. I work, look after my young child. She needs to stop squandering her money on cancer sticks and shift her lazy arse and get a job!

Absolutely not, you and your family come first.