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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not given my savings to my DM?

131 replies

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:40

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

OP posts:

SavvyBlancBlonde · 22/04/2018 13:57

Seriously? She’s asking you to take money away from your child to support her life choice of not working. Bollocks to that. Point out that her own mum helped her out and she should therefore lead by example. As she didn’t help her own mother, you’re opting to follow her lead

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/04/2018 13:57

TBH your mother sounds like a feckless spendthrift who's too lazy to get a job.
You owe her nothing as far as I can see, and IMO it's entirely U of her to expect money from you.

If she's broke, cutting down on the fags would be a start!

In my family it's the parents who help the children, not the other way around.

Glumglowworm · 22/04/2018 14:00

YANBU

She sounds lazy and entitled (and quite honestly, stupid for taking on a puppy and chain smoking while pleading poverty)

She and her DP need to get off their backsides and get jobs. 49 is not too old! My mum was older than that when she changed career!

If your mum was elderly, had worked all her life, had helped you financially when she could even if only smallish amounts, had emotionally or practically supported you after you had a baby, if all that or even some of that, then she might have a point. Although most parents worth a damn wouldn’t take their adult kid’s savings unless there was really no other option and they were destitute.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 14:01

As a matter of interest op, what is your job and what education do you have?

StaplesCorner · 22/04/2018 14:02

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

You know you aren't BU, in fact some might say you are only BU to actually have to ask, but she's really done a number on you. I am so sad you dont have the mum you deserve, concentrate on your own family now and enjoy them, in your home. Just say NC or LC.

Yarnswift · 22/04/2018 14:03

You said it in your last post - what you’re upset about is the loss/never having had the relationship you think you should have had.

And it’s Ok to think that. Yes, it’s be lovely to have a nice mum/granny who you could pop to a cafe with or help out or spend quality time with your son.
But that’s not what you have. And no matter how much you give her you never will have - it’ll never be enough, it’ll get frittered away and you will never have that relationship.

So by all means be justifiably sad and grieve for that. Just don’t give her any money.

BlankTimes · 22/04/2018 14:04

You have absolutely done the right thing CapedCricket keep your money as far away from your mother as you can.

You could send her this, www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php If she fills it in properly, it would show her where she is wasting the money she does have, so she can make changes to live within her means - and get a job, she has a good 20 years to work and earn and find some self-respect.

Don't listen to anything she says, no matter how she tries to twist things, you have earned your money to support your family, there is none spare, end of.

You are in the right, don't give her a penny, she can support herself, she just chooses not to.

And a very well done from me for being so young and having such a sensible financial head on your shoulders, despite the dreadful example she's set you all your life.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 22/04/2018 14:08

@NewYearNewMe18 you know it happens In Irish communities? I'm Irish and I've never ever heard of that. What a silly thing to say

FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 22/04/2018 14:09

NewYearNewMe18
I know it happens in Irish communities

What?
I'm Irish and I've never had to bail out my mum and dad. neither have all the other 1000s of Irish people I know.
we're that not trashy.

cheers for the misinformation though.

wildandwolf · 22/04/2018 14:11

YANBU OP. She knew her child benefits and tax credits were going to end and should have planned accordingly. I'm a single mum of adult dc and I made sure I retrained and focused on my career when they were at school because you can't rely on top up benefits forever. There's no reason why your DM couldn't have done the same. I'd never ask my dc for financial help, things are hard enough for the younger generation to buy homes as it is, and I'm very proud that mine have been able to get on the housing ladder.

happypoobum · 22/04/2018 14:12

I am older than your mother. My assistant is in her mid seventies. Your mother should get off her arse and get a fucking job.

Theweasleytwins · 22/04/2018 14:12

My mum helps her parents out (mid 80s) by washing their hair, taking them out to lunch and hospital appointments, cutting their nails and helping with paperwork.

I will hopefully do the same for my parents when they need it😊this is how I feel you should help your parents

SenoritaViva · 22/04/2018 14:14

How sad for you but you're doing the right thing. Your DM is a taker. There's a reason one of your brothers is NC, go the same I'm afraid.

Original poster

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 14:19

@shanefolan29 - I work in the Public Sector but won't say where as I'm a bit worried this is post is abit outing. I have a degree.

@Yarnswift I think you are right. I remember as a child trailing around after my DM and DGM as they would meet in the town for coffees and I always assumed that was how our relationship would be as well - but you are right; it's never actually been like that so I am grieving something that has never been.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett · 22/04/2018 14:22

She is my age. I work full time. Hell would freeze over and Trump would be sane before I take money from my DC. We support them.
Tell the lazy bitch to do what every other fit and able adult who needs money does. Earn it.

GirlsBlouse17 · 22/04/2018 14:25

YANBU ! She is in her forties, not her eighties! Also, any money you give her is likely to end up wasted.

kaitlinktm · 22/04/2018 14:25

They should both stop smoking and start working - why should you work your socks off to fund their lifestyle?

Aylarose · 22/04/2018 14:31

Of course not! She doesn't even care that she's not getting to see her grandson.

She's in her 40s, not a penniless pensioner!

I've had to give my (60-something) parents several thousand over the last few years and it causes me stress as I don't think I'll get it back!

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 14:31

Too old? She’s also a similar age to me. I didn’t get the memo about children supporting their parents. Unfortunately the pits have closed so I can’t sent my 9yo dd down the mine.

Pastaforlunch · 22/04/2018 14:32

YANBU. One of my friends has had no contact with her mum for over 10 years cos of similar issues; kept borrowing money, and in the end took out a loan for thousands in my friends name! Which my friend then had to pay back over a few years as surprisingly her mum never had any intention of paying it herself. It's sad that they have no relationship now, but that's 100% her mums fault imo. It's unbelievable some adults act this way, but it happens.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 14:33

Funny that she never helped her mother then, choosing to take instead. When her mother was alive, is suppose it was the job of the parent to continue to help out the adult child.

MumofBoysx2 · 22/04/2018 14:34

I really think that it would be a bad idea. You've worked hard to save, and are providing for your own family, which are your priority. I know she is family too, but she isn't helping herself. If she and her partner are 'chain smoking', then assuming you mean they are smoking up to forty a day they are spending about £14k a year on cigarettes alone! This would help them enormously. So I would tell her, you're sorry you don't have enough to pay your mortgage and help her out at the moment but you'd be happy to help her work out some ways to save money, starting with support for kicking smoking. If she doesn't want to listen then you have tried.

Serin · 22/04/2018 14:36

OP be proud of yourself!

Despite having been brought up by totally feckless parents, you sound like you have got your head screwed on properly.

She isn't going to change. You carry on being the best Mum you can be to your DC and let her carry on feeding her money to the dogs or puffing it up in smoke.

Touchmybum · 22/04/2018 14:37

No point in throwing good money after bad!! She is a lazy entitled bitch, sorry! I'm a good 6+ years older than she is, working full-time and always have done. I'm supporting my children through uni. I don't expect them to ever have to support me.

Tell her you spent all your savings on your home, and don't ever let on you have any savings from now on. Some people, if they know you have a £, will need it.

She and her DP need to get off their lazy arses and get themselves a job, and she is far far from too old!

I'm Irish and my parents helped us all they could until the day they died; they would never in a million years have taken anything off us. They worked all their days too, to make their own provision for themselves.

Well done to you OP for getting yourself the hell out of that, getting a good education and buying your home, because it doesn't sound like you would have had a lot of support with that x

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 14:44

op, ok don't mean to sound disrespectful but well done to you for rising up because you seem to come from a family that does not appear to value education or work, seems bizarre you have not followed them as in my experience[and much research shows] in working with families, children growing up in these type of families are very unlikely to attend third level and become like their parents.

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