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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not given my savings to my DM?

131 replies

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:40

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 22/04/2018 14:47

YANBU - Neither of them work but manage to chain smoke ? You Dm is being ridiculous expecting help from you.

WitchesGlove · 22/04/2018 14:53

Where does she live, OP?

Are there actually jobs in her area of the country?

How is she able to claim benefits? I thought the DWP were forcing JSA claimants to look for work and take part in work experience programmes etc.

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 22/04/2018 14:56

Why isn’t she working 40s is young?

pointythings · 22/04/2018 14:57

She needs to stop smoking and get a job. I'm 50 and raising two teenagers by myself, I wouldn't dream of asking for handouts from family - I work full time and on current rules own't retire until I'm 67.

Member984815 · 22/04/2018 14:57

I'm Irish it's not really the norm here either, the woman is clearly young enough to work and earn her own money , you take care of your own new family and having somewhere to live should be your priority it's not up to you to take care of an able-bodied woman who would continue to ask for more for years to come

Rudgie47 · 22/04/2018 15:02

The reality is it will be very, very hard for her to get a job if she has no recent employment history and references. She needs help regarding getting back into the workforce. Its alright people saying she should get a job but the fact is a lot of employers wont entertain anyone like this.
I wouldnt give her money, I'd say I'd support her trying to get a job/college course/voluntary work etc.Even if its just working at a charity shop part time, this will help her. If she didnt want to take me up on it then fair enough, but I'd never give her money. Also is she claiming what she should be? she might be missing out on something so I'd check the benefit calculators with her as well.

Appuskidu · 22/04/2018 15:03

Why hasn’t she worked?!

isadoradancing123 · 22/04/2018 15:03

I think it may be a thing in certain Asian cultures but it 100% definitely is not an Irish 'thing'

DeathlyPail · 22/04/2018 15:06

I'm your DM age and in my mid forties had to take a career break due to illness, and the found myself applying for jobs on the downward spiral towards 50. It took a while but then I was offered 3 to choose from. I have changed job twice more since then to find something that I enjoy.

In our family money always comes down the generations not up. I imagine that me DD1 is just slightly younger than you and I would never expect her to support me. But then both DP & I choose to work, not sit at home chain smoking.

TorviBrightspear · 22/04/2018 15:08

I am 49, and my pension age is currently set to be 67. I work full time, and don't expect my DCs to be funding me. I'm NOT old, far from it, and your DM is a CF. She's not too old, she's just lazy.

Original poster
CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 15:09

@WitchesGlove - we live in a large city in the Midlands. There are jobs - in fact last year I was working alongside a recruitment drive and tried to help my DB with apprenticeships that amounted to nothing.

Again, with the risk of being too DB is ASD. He's high functioning, attended college without any support, went away on residential trips and held down a placement 2 days per week. However now that college has finished my DM has told me that he won't ever be able to work he has "a really rare type of Autism". I feel so, so sorry for him as he is only 20 - he no longer has education, no longer sees his old friends, no clubs... I'm worried he that he's constantly given the message that he can't achieve anything.

DB was interested in some of the apprenticeships and some would have been really well suited but DM talked him out of it (which is surprising considering she asked me for my help in finding him a job in the first place).

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 22/04/2018 15:16

She has 20 years until retirement age if fit and able to work.

Seems like she wants to keep your poor DB dependant. Probably to claim carers allowance and higher benefits for him.

sonjadog · 22/04/2018 15:25

Definitely don't give her your savings. It is not expected that you support your mother, especially as she is only in her 40s!

I´m Irish and have never heard of this supporting parents thing.

KC225 · 22/04/2018 15:26

YANBU. Your DM is putting entitlement over her grandchild. If she is not working there are a loads of things she could e doing - taking him for a walk to the park, baby groups etc. No monetearty cost but high value as a grand parent. She chooses not to .......

tierraJ · 22/04/2018 15:32

She's got another 20 years of potential working life ahead of her!! I've had friends older than her retrain or go to uni & get well paid jobs! What a CF

swingofthings · 22/04/2018 15:36

Is your DB claiming PIP and maybe your mum is claiming CA and IS as a result? If so, him going to work could possibly mean being reassessed at some point not meeting the PIP requirements any longer and she would lose IS and CA.

It sounds like your DM has been set into a mentality of dependency and doesn't know any different. Years of dependency on the government, taking it for granted, and now that she's not getting the same level of benefits, she can only think that you should take over. The concept of supporting herself is probably totally foreign to her.

To be fair, it is also the government's fault that has allowed people capable of working to do ok without needing to do so if they didn't want to and your mum and 1000s of others are probably left with such low confidence in their ability to hold a job that they come up with any excuses not to.

Dobbythesockelf · 22/04/2018 15:52

Of course you did the right thing. She is only in her 40's there is no reason she can't work. Her and her dp sound like my pil. My mil hasn't worked in the 11 years I have been with her son and my fil lost his last job 7 years ago and hasn't worked a day since. They racked up loads of debt living beyond their means and then asked me and dh to help them pay it off. We said no as it was our savings. They can never afford anything but always manage to have lots of booze in the fridge and the late at technology. Currently my sil is still at home and I'm sure she pays for a lot of stuff but I don't know what they will do when she leaves home.
We decided to go low contact because of their attitude to asking for money among other things. She is not your responsibility at all.

GertrudeCB · 22/04/2018 15:53

You poor thing, your DM sounds like a taker. I'm probably the same age as her and work ft - as most people do.

MachineBee · 22/04/2018 16:16

I’m in my late 50s and still working to support my DSCs (3 are still in education). My own DCs are in their 30s and financially independent. My eldest is expecting her first DC (and my first DGC) and I fully expected to buy them at least one of the big ticket items like a cot or pushchair.

Well done OP for setting a fair course for your new family on a sensible financial footing. THIS is how you raise kids to be self-sufficient adults.

MinistryofRevenge · 22/04/2018 17:04

I think it may be a thing in some Irish families - it was in my DDad's family, but getting on for 50 years ago now, when DGD died there was a family discussion as to who would support DGM and how. But I'd agree that it's generally more the case that you'd be lucky to get away from an encounter with your old folks without folding money being stuffed in your pockets. Doesn't sound here as though there's any cultural expectation here, just sadly your DM is a bit idle.

LexieLulu · 22/04/2018 17:46

There is probably a good reason why your sibling has gone NC! She's not your responsibility

Mrsramsayscat · 22/04/2018 17:55

OP my own mother had that attitude. Although funnily enough when she downsized her house she quickly spent the lot without giving a penny to her children. Not that any of us expected or wanted it (there would have been conditions anyway, no doubt). But it was instructive she saw family support as going only one way.

Some people think that other people only exist to help them out. Your mother is one such person. Just ignore her.

MachineBee · 22/04/2018 18:46

Have you spoken to your DB who is NC, OP?

Shizzlestix · 22/04/2018 18:57

Unbelievable. Is she really expecting you to support her in her middle, not old age?! She’s the same age as me, I just got a new job!

fc301 · 22/04/2018 19:02

I'm very sorry that she doesn't care enough about you or your DS. That is not a reflection on you. You sound lovely.
The fact she never rings is a blessing believe me.
Def do not give her any money. If you wish to it may be quicker and easier to stay home and rip up £50 notes.

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