Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not given my savings to my DM?

131 replies

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:40

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 22/04/2018 13:06

Your priority is to house your child.
Your mum is still young enough to train to do something and get a job.

Longdistance · 22/04/2018 13:07

Yanbu

Where’s her dignity in all this? Asking your dc for a handout, when you’re more than capable of moving your arse off the sofa and working. Lazy cah!

But your house, go nc, live happily ever after. You owe her NOTHING!

Mrsmadevans · 22/04/2018 13:07

Have you seen how much a pack of fags costs? YET THEY BOTH SMOKE! YADNBU OP.

Quorafun · 22/04/2018 13:07

If your dm was 68 and struggling with money issues, I would say you should consider helping her out, as she is your mom, etc etc. But in her late 40's and choosing not to work, I'm not sure you should.

Snowman123 · 22/04/2018 13:07

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

BustopherJones · 22/04/2018 13:08

'm Irish and no one I know supports their parents. It's very common for parents to gift at least part of a house deposit to their adult children though.

My dm is Irish and while the family isn’t well off enough to have saved enough for house deposits or similar, you have to beat older relatives off with a stick to stop them trying to give you money. Dm has started doing it - she got a tax refund and asked for my bank details so she could give me a share. My gm used to stuff a tenner she saved from her pension in your hand whenever she got the chance. It’s an absolute farce trying to give dm any money. I’ve gone to stay with her so she can look after dd while work is busy and DP is away and have to hide my contribution to groceries somewhere she’ll find it after we’ve gone.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/04/2018 13:08

She's only a couple of years older than me and I'd crawl over broken glass before I'd let my child support me. I see it as my job (and my privilege) to help my children out as much as I can, but I don't see any obligation the other way.

If she has the money to chain smoke then she has enough money, she just makes poor choices. If she isn't disabled then she should at least try to get work.

If nothing else, you need to think about what she would do once she has burned through all of your savings? Because she would, eventually. Giving her cash isn't a long term solution for her, getting a job is!

Juells · 22/04/2018 13:09

I know it happens in Irish communities

WTF? I've never come across this in my life.

Stay NC for an easy life, OP.

aprilanne · 22/04/2018 13:11

if you have spare money then fine help her out if you wish but buying a home for your child was top priority .sorry i think she is confused parents help there children even in adulthood not the other way round .

LifeBeginsAtGin · 22/04/2018 13:11

She's ignoring you because you have a child and she is jealous. You will now have other responsibilities and will be spending your money on your child. That's why you haven't seen her for months.

gamerchick · 22/04/2018 13:12

Tell the lazy fucker to get a job. She’s not all that much older than I am. I wouldn’t dream of expecting my kids to dole me out just because I couldn’t be arsed. Chain smoking?! Maybe she should start there.

MiggledyHiggins · 22/04/2018 13:13

She could well last into her nineties. Imagine giving her a weekly bung from your own pension!

Nope. You are not one bit unreasonable. Let her stew.

tribpot · 22/04/2018 13:13

she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work

Without wishing to sound like Norman Tebbit, have they ever considered getting a bloody job?

It sounds like even if you had had the money to spare to help her out, it would all have just gone down the drain anyway and six months later she'd be back with her hand out again.

I think she's doing you a favour by going NC because you won't support her for the next 40-odd years. Take the opportunity this presents.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/04/2018 13:13

It doesn't happen in Irish communities Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 22/04/2018 13:14

She sounds really awful and incredibly selfish. What kind of parent would expect their child to give them money rather than buy a house? Why can't she work? Is she an alcoholic by any chance (I say this because she sounds like my late MIL).
Anyway, you sound like you are doing well and providing stability for your child. Don't let her guilt trip you into giving her money under any circumstances.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 13:15

Have a heart op - you should/could have send her £2 for bus fare to the job centre.. Seriously she is a CF at its best!!

Original poster
CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 13:15

I have tried to support her back to work and offered to help write her CV, but she's been adamant for the past 5 years that she's too old to rejoin the workforce.

I know her own DM used to help out with money before she passed away a couple of years ago but my mum always had a view that one day she'd pay back all the money she was given (obviously didn't happen) - but I wonder if she's projecting the attitude that children help out their parents onto me as she feels guilty for not supporting her own DM.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 22/04/2018 13:17

I do think children should help parents if possible, but in situations to help out when they are in old age/poor health. (E.g. if my parents couldn't afford taxis to the hospital but the bus was a long uncomfy journey, I would cover all their taxis if I could).

OP, your mother is a scrounger. You were absolutely right to put your family first.

WeeMadArthur · 22/04/2018 13:17

YADNBU and need to look at this NC from your mum as a gift. Your DS won’t miss out on a relationship with a cheeky fucker who doesn’t care about him.

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 22/04/2018 13:19

I'm in my late forties and my dad still buys me an ice cream. He'd never ask me for a loan.

Did you receive any money from her handouts?

Dungeondragon15 · 22/04/2018 13:20

I have tried to support her back to work and offered to help write her CV, but she's been adamant for the past 5 years that she's too old to rejoin the workforce.

So she had been "too old" to join the workforce since she was in her mid 40s! Does she not wonder why she is not entitled to a pension for another 20 years? Unless she is ill or disabled, she is just a very lazy scrounger I'm afraid.

category12 · 22/04/2018 13:20

So money flows in two directions in her mind - from her mum to her and from her daughter to her. That's not how it works!

Obviously if it was an emergency and something had happened, I'd help out my mum - but in this case. this is a lifestyle choice by your mum.

And she's jealous that you have been able to do the sensible thing and get a house deposit together, rather than pissing everything away like her.

You're best off out of it.

snewname · 22/04/2018 13:20

Please don't doubt yourself on this at all. The fact that you are even thinking along those lines shows how she has damaged you throughout your childhood. Be on the look out for other skewed ways of thinking that you perhaps aren't even aware of yet.

Annonymiss123 · 22/04/2018 13:22

I know it happens in Irish communities

Really newyearnewme18? I'm glad you've enlightened me. I'm Irish, 50 and both DH & I work f/t. Same goes for my siblings and friends. But now I know that in Irish communities I should be supported by my children, I'm going to quit work tomorrow! Woo hoo!!

Mabelface · 22/04/2018 13:22

Too old? She's a similar age to me and the last couple of years I've set myself in a career path. I wouldn't dream of asking my kids to keep me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread