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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not given my savings to my DM?

131 replies

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:40

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

OP posts:
snewname · 22/04/2018 13:22

Late forties isn't old. Some people are still having babies then.

aprilanne · 22/04/2018 13:22

my father is to get his leg amputated next week and the only thing the poor old sod is worrying about is me i will have to be his carer.i will give u money off my pension darling because you will have a lot of work .eh no thanks dad i will do it because i love you just shows the difference in attitude .

ChasedByBees · 22/04/2018 13:24

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. But knowing that doesn’t stop her being unreasonable. What are you going to do?

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2018 13:25

You should definitely help her out. Send her a link to the nearest Jobcentre or whatever it’s called now.

She needs an absolute wake up call that in this life, sentient and capable adults look after themselves and their offspring. We should all have compassion and generosity to those who are unable to do so but she most certainly doesn’t fall into that group.

In short she’s a CF and you will get along fine without her.

Appuskidu · 22/04/2018 13:27

What a piss taker! Tell her to get a job!

FleurDelacoeur · 22/04/2018 13:30

Too old? She's a similar age to me...

She's not too old. She's too lazy.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 22/04/2018 13:30

but I wonder if she's projecting the attitude that children help out their parents onto me as she feels guilty for not supporting her own DM.

I very very much doubt she feels anything of the sort - just annoyed that one of her cash cows has died.

Give her any money and it would, by the sound of it, literally go up in smoke. You're doing the right thing OP, don't doubt yourself or start trying to find reasons/excuses for her behaviour.

Bunbunbunny · 22/04/2018 13:33

This doesn’t happen in Irish communities, very much the other way round where they can’t do enough for their children. My DF lent me money to help buy a place & im nagging him to give me bank details to pay him back! If I write a cheque he won’t cash it. My DGM always gave me money she had money jars for the grandchildren to always give a bit of money.

Your DM is a selfish woman she should want you & your ds to have a secure home over your head. Don’t give her a penny!

Inertia · 22/04/2018 13:34

Your responsibility is to make sure your own child is fed, clothed and securely housed.

You are not responsible for providing for two fit and able adults who are capable of work. If they were unable to work due to disability/ other caring responsibilities then I could understand the idea of all pitching in, but it sounds as though they just can’t be bothered.

She expects you to work and fund her sitting around smoking rather than providing for your own child. That isn’t what normal grandparents do.

It seems like there’s room to cut outgoings- give up smoking, rehome the dogs.

YippeeTipTap · 22/04/2018 13:34

I’m amazed you were doubting yourself.

witchofzog · 22/04/2018 13:39

Your mum is an entitled Asshole. I am sorry to be so blunt but she expects both the state and you to pay for her. She isn't too old to rejoin the work force in her late forties. She may have over 20 years of her working life left. I know people who have retrained at your mum's age. If she was a good parent she would be happy you have bought a house, not sulking that you have not bailed her out of a situation of her own making

CaledonianQueen · 22/04/2018 13:40

The complete and utter lack of respect as well as the expectation that you should financially support her would be more than enough for me to go NC completely! I bet she has tried this on your DB and that is why he has gone NC!

This woman is not a Mother, she is not a grandmother, she is shameless and a pathetic excuse for a human being! She is a user and an abuser, toxic with a capital T!!!

You have taken more than enough abuse off your Mother, now is time to cut ties. I recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Time to protect you and your baby from the toxic waste that is your Mother!

Jaxhog · 22/04/2018 13:40

YANBU. Your money is much better invested in a house for your family's future. In any case it's your DM's responsibility to support YOU, as she brought you into the world!

Of course we help our families in times of need, but you shouldn't feel like you have to, especially if they are young enough to work and pay their own way. As they are.

maxthemartian · 22/04/2018 13:42

Too old?? That's a total joke. Too lazy more like.

whataboutbob · 22/04/2018 13:43

The fact that she actually didn’t support her own mother is quite telling. She’s entitled and will make up any argument to justify taking advantage where she can. She’s only 49 and this could go on for decades, so do put your foot down. You don’t have to “ lend”her money.
To the poster upstream who said it doesn’t happen in British communities. I don’t know, but there are 3 million informal carers in the UK. Not all of these are parents looking after kids. Our dad expected me and my brother to care for him as his sister looked after their parents ( interestingly, dad did nothing in that respect). We managed him between the 2 of us in his own home when he had Alzheimer’s, before bowing to the inevitable a year before his death when he went to live in a specialist home. There are many more like us so I think it’s wrong to generalise about a whole nation.

prettybird · 22/04/2018 13:44

I think that this is a great reason to go full NC with her. She has demonstrated that she is not a caring grandparent and your ds - and you - will be the better for not having her in his/your life.

Not least because you have the stability of having your own home.

Think of it from the perspective of your ds: he might only by 9 months old at the moment, but as he gets older, what sort of example would he see set by your mum? That you can laze around and scrounge off your own children? No, just No.

WeaselsRising · 22/04/2018 13:48

WTAF! I am older than your mother and wouldn't dream of sponging off my kids (that's obviously where I'm going wrong Grin ). In fact I feel really guilty that we can't help them out financially. Children don't have a duty to support parents who cba, no way.

I think it's a good thing that she's avoiding you and would return the compliment.

MeganBacon · 22/04/2018 13:51

Parents look after their kids in the hope their kids will pay that forward by looking after their own kids. They never ever should expect anything back - it's just wrong.

freegazelle · 22/04/2018 13:52

It does happen in more traditional communities - but this is only after parents have retired, and helped buy their children homes, so it kinda all goes full circle! But doesn't sound like this in your case.

N3wL0gin · 22/04/2018 13:53

If your DM is in her 40s the age that she is likely to receive her state pension is probably 68. So she probably has 20 years to be able to find employment. If she has no health problems the job centre should be encouraging her to work. Does she receive Universal credit ? Your priority should be to your child and family first.

SingSongSing · 22/04/2018 13:54

er, BunBun, not all Irish communities/families I can guarantee you, even if perhaps many/most do try to help their children.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but just sorry to hear your mother is like this. This is the way some parents are, and nothing to do with you. You really should not be giving her your hard-earned money. She sounds like a "taker" Sad. Focus on yourself and partner and your child/ren.

Original poster
CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 13:54

Thank you all for your support. Going NC is likely I think as I don't want DS to ever feel let down by her (she's the type of person who will make plans and cancel an hour before you are due to meet - repeatedly). I already feel like I've grieved for our relationship over the past 9 months but I'm still sad about this as I honestly had no clue it was all about money.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 22/04/2018 13:54

YANBU OP.
She is younger than me and bloody lazy from what you have posted, OP.

She is choosing to not work and expecting you to subsidise her.

She is that really small minority of people on benefits that the Daily Fail loves to present as the majority!

She gives genuine claimants a bad name - shame on her.

ittakes2 · 22/04/2018 13:55

you know you are not being unreasonable - I am sorry but it looks like low contact might be the best option again

thegreylady · 22/04/2018 13:56

I am in my 70s and would never ask my adult dc for a penny (though I know they would offer if I were in need). I still feel I should help them though and have loaned smallish sums which are always paid back.