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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 13:43

OP is BU to ask how to handle the feud when he has already stated his position - dsis and family are dead to him and he can't be around them so the wedding or other family socialising are out.

I missed the bit when OP said they were a man. Confused

Whocansay · 22/04/2018 13:45

If she has slandered you and you have proof, go to the police.

Personally, I would go to the wedding and ignore her. I think it's very sad that you can't bring yourself to be nice to her children though. They have done nothing wrong.

However, it sounds that whatever has happened, you cannot bear to be in the same room as her. So don't go. I think it's likely that if you don't go, it will damage the relationship with your parents and brother though. And it's likely to reinforce whatever lie she told about you, as your non attendance could be interpreted as cowardice.

As others have said, it's difficult to advise without having some idea of what she said.

Ruffian · 22/04/2018 13:46

Stated on another thread Butchyrestingface

CookieDoughKid · 22/04/2018 13:46

So it's a moral issue? Your sister bitched about you and tried to pin the blame on you did she? That's just your side of the story. Seriously if it's not a criminal matter then honestly you might as well just SAY IT HERE . We've heard a lot worse OP!!

Ruffian · 22/04/2018 13:46

Not that it makes any difference to the issue

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/04/2018 13:47

The only things that the sinister lies and false allegations could result in why the op doesn't want anything more to do with her sister and her sisters dc could be it involved ss which resulted in having the ops dc taken from her that is why she is on her own or the lies involved the op having an affair so her dh/p left her so losing her home.
Or could they mean that op lost her job which is why she now works down in Cornwall.

Loonoon · 22/04/2018 13:48

A therapist won't tell you what to do either. They will listen and help you explore your feelings about the issue.

DHs family and my family both have many feuding relations. At any given function you can assume one sister won't be talking to the other one or one auntie is furious at her brothers wife or whatever. However unless you are already aware of the situation you wouldn't know it at the function. People just avoid each other and that's what you should do too. To put this ahead of attending your brothers wedding is saying that she is more important to you than him and you then risk hurging him.

If your split from her so as final as you seem to think it will be it's extra important to maintain close ties with the rest of your family. Don't let being angry with her cut you off from people you love.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 13:49

Stated on another thread Butchyrestingface

Ah! 💡

Not that it makes any difference to the issue

Nope. I was just wondering how I managed to read an entire thread and miss that.

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 13:49

So now OP should call the police because that’s the right thing to do, yet earlier she was being accused of dragging her whole family into it!

I don't think anyone has said she SHOULD call the police - after all, we still don't know what the sister's done. We're trying to make sense of what we've been told. If OP's been a victim of defamation and can prove it, that would be a legal matter. (I realise that in my earlier post I said 'police matter' - my mistake. Defamation is a civil offence. It's a solicitor you'd be calling.)

But she says it isn't and that the sister has done nothing illegal, just something immoral.

Ruffian · 22/04/2018 13:51

Sorry if I twisted your melon Smile
Just goes to show though..assumptions

jasjas1973 · 22/04/2018 13:54

I do not believe the OP should go, the risk is with drink involved, the wedding will become the scene of all almighty row.
Contact your brother, explain your reasons and suggest meeting up before hand.

Some things are not fixable, i will never have contact with my two siblings or their children, they understandably take their parents side

Bettiedraper · 22/04/2018 13:55

The fact that OP is a man does somehow put a different spin on this.
I stand by my earlier drama queen comment, though.

Ruffian · 22/04/2018 13:57

Then again, the OP being male could have a bearing on the issue if the lies being told are to do with the sort of allegations that are more commonly made against males than females.

Might also explain why op would not want to be around dsis children any more.

If that is the nature of the lies being spread I would take that deadly seriously, definitely a Police matter.

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 13:58

OP's male? I assumed not simply because not many posters on here are.

It doesn't make any difference to anything I've said.

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 14:00

If you're talking about rape allegations...OP says that no law was broken, and false rape allegations are most definitely a crime.

If he has been knowingly falsely accused of rape though, that is definitely serious enough to warrant not going to a wedding.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/04/2018 14:01

If she accusations made/rumours spread were about some sort of sexual abuse, then the OP has no choice but to stay away from his sister's children. Anything else could all too easily be interpreted as "proof" that the malicious allegations were in fact true.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 14:01

I assumed OP was female so I’m guilty of assumption. Has OP actually said if they’re male or female?

MiniCooperLover · 22/04/2018 14:01

You sound piqued that despite being told the truth your parents haven't cut off your sister themselves. Your constant 'that's all you need to know' snootiness to people makes me think maybe they made the right choice !!

Mightymucks · 22/04/2018 14:02

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know.

OP, have you had allegations of abuse made against you?

This thread is weird, so much identifying info in it, it’s almost like the OP wants someone to see it and know it’s about them...

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 22/04/2018 14:02

I haven't rtft but I will say that my mum and her brother had a massive falling out and didn't speak for over ten years... he was still our uncle and sent cards etc for birthdays and my mum says now that she really respects the way he continued to be a good uncle.

thegreylady · 22/04/2018 14:03

Be the bigger person, go to the wedding be cool towards the sister and loving where appropriate to the rest of the family. If the ‘thing’ was as bad as you say tell the rest of the family if you need to. I can’t believe your mother wouldn’t support you if it was so very dreadful.

Fanciedachange1 · 22/04/2018 14:03

OP if the wedding was your sisters then don’t go. Since it is your brothers then I think you should go.

It’s not fair on your brother to spend the day with people asking him where you are and gossiping between themselves. Nor is it fair on your parents.

ittakes2 · 22/04/2018 14:04

I don't think it matters why you have decided to go NC with your sister - its your decision. BUT I do think its a shame that you are letting the anger you feel at her affect your relationship with your brother. it just means you are losing more than you need to. Talk to your brother about it - say you would like to go to the wedding but your feelings against your sister are so strong you are worried your sister might cause a scene at this wedding and what would he like to do. He may be able to speak to your sister and get her to agree to stay away from you at the wedding - or at least he will understand why you don't want to go.

Doyoumind · 22/04/2018 14:04

OP hasn't said, but PP checked other posts and confirmed OP is male.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 14:05

I assumed OP was female so I’m guilty of assumption. Has OP actually said if they’re male or female?

Not wholly unreasonable on a site aimed predominantly at women and where the OP has allowed an entire thread to run where they are referred to as "she" without correcting anyone.

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