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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:

TawnyPort · 22/04/2018 13:12

Seems like the OP has a deep love of drama and is doing everything possible to make as much as possible, both here and with her family.

Shiftymake · 22/04/2018 13:12

I was a child that got cut out for years from my fathers family after a dispute that had nothing to do with us kids. Shame on you for making your sisters kids a part of the package deal, they are innocent and have no part in this. Don't care what happened between you and your sister, but considering the heart break and upset I have had to deal with for those family members that I loved dearly turn their back on me has been long lasting and had consequences in my own view of self worth. Be angry at her, go NC, but do NOT punish her children for her "crimes". As for your brother wedding, it's his wedding not hers and you can avoid her. Your choice but he is also innocent?! and hardly deserves to be dragged into this.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/04/2018 13:12

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know.

Ok, that helps - but my answer to that would be - you say you have hard evidence - slander is a crime. Dependign on how sinister the lies were and how they've affected you, you could absolutely go to the police. That would then set a whole new tone to the situation. It wouldn't be a 'oh, they are squabbling, it'll blow over' thing. It would be - X is going to end up in court for what she did to Y'. They wouldn't be able to ignore it.

So if it's really in this category of bad, I think the truth is that you could indeed go to the police but you probably don't want to - that's understandable, but maybe worth thinking about.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 22/04/2018 13:13

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong

You also say that your parents were 'in denial'. Is it possible that they simply don't see it the same way as you?

In the kindest possible way, maybe it would be a good idea to get some honest views to help you possibly see things in a different light? Not your parents, or family, but people who might be able to help you look at a different angle or possibility?

At the moment, in terms of your situation with your sister/the wedding, there's not a lot to lose by just hearing what others might have to say, is there?

purplelila2 · 22/04/2018 13:13

I agree with other posters here who say not info to give advice.

As we don't know what it is she's done we done know whether YABU or not.

It could be something you think is awful but not to the rest of us .

We can't give advice properly till we know what the issue you have is !

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 13:14

where did i say that? i said from the onset i did not want this to effect other siblings.

Well obviously it will. You won't ruin your brothers wedding by not going but it will upset him and he probably won't feel the same towards you anymore.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/04/2018 13:14

How many siblings do you have OP? It sounds like there are a lot of you.

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 13:17

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know.

It still isn't enough information. Your parents apparently think you may have misinterpreted. You say you have hard evidence that you didn't. Again, unless we know what actually happened we have no way of knowing a) just how bad these lies and accusations were or b) whether there really is any chance that you may be misinterpreting.

Slander is a civil offence though, so if she really did falsely accuse you of something terrible and you've got proof, it IS a police matter. Yet you say it's not.

i said from the onset i did not want this to effect other siblings.

Surely you must know that it will??? It will affect your brother for a start if you don't go to his wedding! You may decide that's a price worth paying, and for all we know you may be right (we don't know what she did!), but you must realise that you cannot do that and not affect him.

What exactly are you asking us? For permission to cut out your sister and her kids despite the shockwaves it will send through your family for generations? We need to know what happened before we can say that.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 22/04/2018 13:20

Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge. (I am NC with my mother and didn't speak to my sibling who was under 10 when I left until he was an independent adult as it wasn't possible to maintain contact)

Personally I think that you need to contact your brother and explain that you'd love to be at his wedding but you don't want to put a dampener on his day. Either suggest a compromise like you sitting in the back of the church away from the rest of the family or do something with him to commemorate his wedding on a different day. No way would I go home if I was attending. I'd stay in a hotel because minimal drama is best for everyone.

happypoobum · 22/04/2018 13:22

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know. So it was a criminal offence then?

Honestly OP I agree with PP, you need to see a counsellor to help you get through this. And please just respond directly to whoever sends you the wedding invitation, don't drag your mother or siblings into it.

MiggledyHiggins · 22/04/2018 13:22

where did i say that? i said from the onset i did not want this to effect other siblings.

You said that in your very first post, last paragraph when you said you don't want to attend a brothers wedding due to the feud. That's affecting your siblings, especially your brother. Who knows nothing about this feud.

You sound like you are loving the drama - you drop a massive bombshell on your parents and get the next train home instead of sticking around and discussing it. You've refused to discuss it since with them. You've decided little children are "dead to you" and you want to snub your brother on an important life occasion because your feud is more important to fuel than being there for him.

There will be other family occasions. More weddings, funerals, landmark birthdays. You gonna call in sick for them all?

lindyhopy · 22/04/2018 13:22

I agree with some others that you don't want to share it here as you know deep down that you are over-reacting.

Whatever she did has obviously affected you and you have so much anger towards her but you need to learn to let it go and not let it affect your relationships with your other family members.

Original poster

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 13:24

i come from a family of 8 children including myself.

OP posts:

auditqueen · 22/04/2018 13:25

she spread very sinister lies about me and made false accusations about me behind my back, that's all you need to know*

Then you are perfectly entitled to cut her and her family out of your life. I've got Aunts and Uncles who I rarely see and don't care if I never do again and cousins I don't even know - or care to know. I also have two nephews who are rude, entitled and revolting children.

On the other hand, my partner has five nieces and three nephews and they see me as their aunt and I class them as my nieces and nephews.

My old boss who retired a decade ago I see as an uncle figure and his wife, an aunt.

As I said before. Make your own family and surround yourself with people who you actually want in your life and who treat you well.

PoorYorick · 22/04/2018 13:26

I wish you'd just tell us straight what you're angry about, OP. Every time you post I come up with yet more speculations, but I'm not going to write any of them down because they could all be utter rubbish. If you'd just tell us what she did that's so unfixable and unforgivable (and apparently not known to most of your family), we could tell you....actually I still don't know what you're asking because you seem to have decided already what you're going to do. But we could at least be informed about what we're saying. Right now we're all stabbing around in the dark.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 13:29

So now OP should call the police because that’s the right thing to do, yet earlier she was being accused of dragging her whole family into it! Surely a court case would do that, no?

Fucking hell, MN is a funny place sometimes.

As I said previously, I have more than enough grounds to call the police on my brother (for not the worst thing he’s done) but I haven’t to spare my dad the pain.

What a roasting you’ve had OP, unfairly I think.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 13:30

Even some background to what your sister did would be useful. Did you previously get on great and then lo and behold, suddenly she wakes up one morning and decides to start spreading malicious allegations about you?

Or did something happen between you before that? Is it possible that your sister has got the wrong end of the stick about something and was making or repeating and allegation that she believed to be true?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 22/04/2018 13:30

I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them

This is a fairly unpleasant thing to say about young children.

From some of your comments and your refusal to actually discuss the issue that you're posting about, it's hard not to conclude that you don't want to be told that there is a tiny chance that you just might BU.

People might be to help shed some light on a different POV, but I don't think you want that, do you?

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2018 13:30

I am NC with my brother but I am on friendly terms with his wife and I do see his dc a few times a year. I can’t understand why, whatever your sister did, you would cut her children out if your life as well
It’s up to you if you don’t what to say what she did but you are coming across quite badly here OP, you sound very dramatic.
If you don’t wnt to mix with your sister anymore then fine, you can just say hello and then ignore - which is what I did on the handful of times I’ve had to see my brother, but there is no need for you to ignore anyone in the family
Also, it’s not a feud, it’s you not speaking to your sister

mimibunz · 22/04/2018 13:31

This whole thread smacks of attention seeking behaviour.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/04/2018 13:34

@Smeddum the op didn't say anything about not calling the police, she said what her sister had done wasn't illegal, she had hard evidence, but the family didn't believe her. Turns out it is illegal so maybe calling the police would make people believe her.

snewname · 22/04/2018 13:34

But if they were sinister lies and false accusations why haven't you set the record straight with your siblings? Surely you tell them the truth?

What could possibly be so bad that you drop the bombshell on your parents then leave, leaving your ds to spread her version of events.

If you can't even talk about it then you need counselling quickly. Its messed up.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 13:36

@sweeneytoddsrazor but the same people who told her she was a drama llama and shouldn’t have dragged her family into it are now telling her to call the police? Which would drag her family into it!

OP I guess what I’m trying to say is, do what you need to do. Whatever minimises stress and pain for you.

Haffiana · 22/04/2018 13:38

I don't see what the problem is. If you can't bear to be in the same room as your sister then you can't go. Simple.

This is a non-issue.

Ruffian · 22/04/2018 13:40

OP is BU to ask how to handle the feud when he has already stated his position - dsis and family are dead to him and he can't be around them so the wedding or other family socialising are out.

If I was so angry with a family member that our relationship was permanently broken I would at least take legal advice about slander.

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