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AIBU?

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Original poster

My refusal to be God parent 20 years ago!

103 replies

Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 07:18

I'm not religious.

I don't have any issue with people following religion, I'll respect your choice but it's not for me.

20 years ago, a friend asked me to be God parent. I was flattered and politely told them no and just said if you need me to look after the baby if anything happens, I just would. I don't need a ceremony to ensure it!

I don't attend church (nor did they).

Said friend has now told me she can't believe I knocked her back.

I should've just said yes and got on with it, God parent is a honorary role not a serious one.

Now, I've been part of this child's life. Our kids were raised together but now this has really fucked me off. Maybe I'm being touchy but if you don't believe, should you fake?

Or is she a dick?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 22/04/2018 07:22

The clue is in the name - GODparent. YWNBU, she was. It should be a serious role.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 22/04/2018 07:23

You are both right.
You see it as a religious role which is why you took your stand.

Friend sees it as having become a cultural role, which is why she was offended by the refusal.

There is no ‘official’ correct answer.

PintOfCalpol · 22/04/2018 07:25

My kids have god parents who are atheiststs and one Muslim. We use the phrase godparent but we didn’t have a religious ceremony, we had a ceremony of our own and a little party. Maybe your friend should have suggested that.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 22/04/2018 07:26

Best man - used to be to help fight. MAID of honour- expected to be a virgin. I’m sure you don’t take those roles literally.

In the same way she wouldn’t go into a Hindu temple and wander around. She would respect that the religion is important to some people.

You are both right.

Original poster
Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 07:26

Thank you both.

I've seen this child regularly but the actual God parents rarely do.

OP posts:
BossWitch · 22/04/2018 07:27

She's mad to still care 20 years on!

I wouldn't be a god parent. I'm an atheist and I'm not going to stand in church and how to reject satan and lead a child to god - no way. It would be hugely hypocritical of me, and in my view, disrespectful to those who do believe.

EventNotInData · 22/04/2018 07:32

She’s a dick. Was she not listening at all during the baptism ceremony? It has a lot of quite specific vows about your commitment to Christianity. (Last I remember bridesmaids don’t have to publically swear to their virginity in a modern wedding ceremony).

BossWitch · 22/04/2018 07:34

Yes but skinny best man and maid of honour aren't religious roles. You can have a church wedding without them. They are purely cultural roles (as far as I know) and as such the cultural expectations, e.g. virginity, have changed over time. But god parent is a religious role first and foremost. It isn't about being a back up parent (god parent does not equal legal guardian if parents pop their clogs) the role of a god parent is to encourage / oversee the child's religious education/indoctrination. Our culture has then added on a whole load of other stuff, but the origins of the role haven't diminished, which is why you would find yourself promising to do all that stuff in front of a priest.

Original poster
Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 07:35

Also to add, friend doesn't attend church.

She had kids christened in church, had to get permission as she's not married.

I suppose I just feel that she's picking and choosing parts of religion to live by.

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/04/2018 07:36

I am religious and feel you made the choice that was correct for you. You would have been asked to be at a ceremony against your conscience.

Good to read that you are still part of the child's life.

Agent13 · 22/04/2018 07:37

I wouldn’t be a godparent either, I’m an atheist and it would very wrong. I think you did the right thing and it’s odd she’s cross 20 years later!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 22/04/2018 07:37

If she was expecting you to take part in a religious ceremony and make promises you had no intention of keeping then she was wrong. I am a Christian and although I try not to judge my heart sinks each time we have a Christening at my church with a family who have never been before and we never see again. We try to make them welcome and ignore our feelings but I know many vicars feel the same and hate being a part of the hypocrisy

Agent13 · 22/04/2018 07:37

feel very wrong that should say

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/04/2018 07:42

It doesn't matter who was right or wrong (you were right), it was 20 years ago!! She needs to let it go!!

sentMai · 22/04/2018 07:42

@Pettynotvindictive

"I just feel that she's picking and choosing parts of religion to live by."

Don't they all. She probably doesn't agree with death for homosexuals or making rape victims marry the rapists. You have to be pretty fucked up to follow most 'christian values'.

However, the UK is culturally christian and agree with her that "God parent is a honorary role not a serious one."

I'm very anti-religion so understand your position. Think you were 99% reasonable but understand why some people would have just said 'yes'.

Your unreasonable in your understanding of the law and "[I] said if you need me to look after the baby if anything happens, I just would. I don't need a ceremony to ensure it! "

None of our children's god parents (DH wanted them christened, I don't care if they have magic water on their heads) would have parental responsibility for our children should it be necessary.

GreenMeerkat · 22/04/2018 07:42

I understand why you refused, and that was completely within your right to do so so she is BU.

My best friend is a militant atheist and I am catholic. I asked her if she'd be my DD's 'Guideparent' which is what they call in in non religious ceremonies. We had a religious ceremony but I told her that her part does not have to be religious whatsoever and she can adapt the 'role' in whichever way she wanted. She was really happy to be asked and accepted and just said she wouldn't partake in anything religious. She just stood up in Church next to DD during the ceremony but didn't say the blessing/prayers. She has two other godparents that are religious that would fulfil that part of the role.

Laiste · 22/04/2018 07:45

She's told you how she feels/felt. Was it just in conversation? You've been mates all this time i guess .... Was it 'blimey do remember years ago when you did/said x, y z, i never did say but i was peed off at the time!' in a 'let's laugh about it' way? Or in a 'i need to get this off my chest' way?

She can feel how she likes, unless she wants you to grovel and apologise just let it go.

I've got a vague recollection of saying yes to being a god parent to a friend's DC donkey's years ago. They don't live in the same country now and i haven't spoken to her for years either. I'd be surprised if she can even remember who her DS's God P's are! Grin

JingsMahBucket · 22/04/2018 07:48

I declined being a godparent for two of my best friends because I never want children. I took the role seriously as being the full carer for the child if anything ever happened to my friends. I had to ruefully decline. The two of them (wife and husband) are both preachers too so they took the religious aspect seriously as well. I’m an atheist but we’re all great as friends. I’ve known the husband since we were 11 years old!

Original poster
Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 07:51

The "if you need me to look after the baby if anything happens" comment was me trying to lighten the subject, I suppose.

Anyone who knows me, knows I scoop up 'lost' kids and chuck them in with mine. I was that kid.
She does need to let it go.

She remembers it word perfectly it seems. This came about as we were marvelling at how amazing our kids are: armed services, university, travelling etc.

im hurt she feels hurt.

OP posts:
Ickyockycocky · 22/04/2018 07:53

You were totally right to politely refuse, on the grounds of being an atheist. She is completely wrong for saying what she did. End of.

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 08:04

My Godparents had very little to do with my life, they certainly weren't involved in my "spiritual welfare". I may as well have not have had any.

Your friend is wrong to raise this now (or at any time, really). Do you get the sense she's been stewing over it all these years?

BossWitch · 22/04/2018 08:06

I'm glad you've said that cheesecake, I've always felt that it is hypocritical and disrespectful to those who do believe and regularly attend but I've heard lots of 'people don't mind, it's just seen as a happy occasion' and 'the church are just glad to see bums on seats/ have their numbers bumped up' sentiments. I declined an invitation to the christening of a friend's children as the couple are both non-believers and were only doing it to increase their chances of getting a school place. That just seemed so wrong to me.

BrownTurkey · 22/04/2018 08:10

This is really sad. Ywnbu, but I wonder if you could acknowledge her feelings a bit - something like ‘If it hadn’t been a church based thing I would have made that promise for you in a heartbeat, and I am upset to realise that my decision made you sad for so long.’

Aridane · 22/04/2018 08:17

When asked to be god parent as a non believer, I had this raised with the vicar. She was fine with it. Therefore I was too

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2018 08:41

If she was hurt there’s nothing you can do to change that. She’s entitled to her feelings however reasonable you were,