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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My refusal to be God parent 20 years ago!

103 replies

Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 07:18

I'm not religious.

I don't have any issue with people following religion, I'll respect your choice but it's not for me.

20 years ago, a friend asked me to be God parent. I was flattered and politely told them no and just said if you need me to look after the baby if anything happens, I just would. I don't need a ceremony to ensure it!

I don't attend church (nor did they).

Said friend has now told me she can't believe I knocked her back.

I should've just said yes and got on with it, God parent is a honorary role not a serious one.

Now, I've been part of this child's life. Our kids were raised together but now this has really fucked me off. Maybe I'm being touchy but if you don't believe, should you fake?

Or is she a dick?

OP posts:

specialsubject · 22/04/2018 08:43

She's a dick. 20 years on ? Get a life. And godparent does mean making vows. I don't do that if I don't mean them and have also refused.

BlondeB83 · 22/04/2018 08:44

That’s crazy! I wish I’d have had your resolve! I’m a Godparent twice with no beliefs! I made this clear to the parents and they said it was ok they had no religious beliefs either!

Iggiattheend · 22/04/2018 08:48

It doesn't say she's been thinking constantly for 20 years does it? Just that it came up when you were thinking about how your dc had grown. I remember being rejected by a guy in lower sixth and that must have been 30 years ago.

CatkinToadflax · 22/04/2018 08:52

Blimey, 20 years?? I think you were absolutely in the right OP. My brother is godparent to my boys and believes diddly squat, but only agreed to do it after a lengthy chat with the vicar (who was fine with it because he’s there for the boys morally if not religiously). But you did what was right for you and your friend should absolutely respect you for that. Especially as you’ve been heavily involved in her DC’s lives!

Babdoc · 22/04/2018 08:52

I can’t for the life of me understand why atheist parents want to have their babies baptised into the Christian church, lie through their teeth by making solemn vows to raise the child in the Christian faith, and ask their atheist friends to lie as well?
If you don’t believe in God, and don’t accept Christ as your saviour, why on earth are you doing this?
Do you secretly believe and are hedging your bets? Do you want a photo opportunity in a pretty church? It makes no sense to me as a Christian that you would do this!

CoughLaughFart · 22/04/2018 08:57

Have you been baptised yourself OP? If not you wouldn’t be allowed to be a CofE godparent anyway.

Fifthtimelucky · 22/04/2018 09:02

I agree with Babdoc. We had two godparent refusers. With one, we simply replaced the person with another (the person we had asked was very anti the whole thing). With the other, the non-Godparent came to the church and sat with the others, he just didn't stand up and say things he didn't believe.

No problems with either approach and in neither case has it affected relationships (18-20 years ago).

steppemum · 22/04/2018 09:04

If you look at the baptism service, the godparent has to make actual promises about bringing the child up helping to teach them about God etc.
I think it is unreasonable for anyone to ask someone to make promises they don't believe in.

SukiTheDog · 22/04/2018 09:09

YWNBU then....and now. My friend asked me to be godparent to her second son. I was touched but said no. Like you, I’m not a religious person. I don’t believe in God. But then, I don’t believe in the Tooth Fairy either.

It caused such a rift in our friendship. We drifted apart and I still feel badly about it.

PinkPaeonies · 22/04/2018 09:14

I've seen this child regularly but the actual God parents rarely do.

I think this may be why it is bothering her 20 years on - perhaps she feels YOU should have been the godmother because you are the one who actually cares. Godmother is a title that obviously means something to her - not necessarily in a religious sense - but as a role she connects (quite rightly) with relationship. I wouldn't be upset with her, she's just lamenting. She may have also wanted to seal your friendship with a more formal connection with you and took your refusal personally.

Lanie233 · 22/04/2018 09:21

I turned down godmother role when a relative made it clear she would expect me to take on the child should anything happen to her (I don't have or want children and she's very aware of this so why she even asked I'll never understand). You shouldn't be forced into accepting something you're uncomfortable with, if your friend doesn't like it... tough. It's your life and you don't owe anybody anything. Honesty is usually the best policy.

holiday101 · 22/04/2018 09:24

I'm I missing something? I thought the role of the godparent was to instruct the child religiously throughout its life, not be a substitute carer/parent upon death of parents?

Anyway OP YANU. I have never seen the whole apparent angst in RL, but on MN it is very real. 'My d d's godparent isn't spending enough time/money on her and I'm devastated and think I made the wrong child's etc

didofido · 22/04/2018 09:25

sentMai -" She probably doesn't agree with death for homosexuals or making rape victims marry the rapists. You have to be pretty fucked up to follow most 'christian values'.

Do you REALLY think these are Christian values? Or indeed the values of anyone in civilised society? Maybe in backward tribal communities not yet in the 21st century (or even the 19th)

Babdoc · 22/04/2018 09:30

Is it just Christian ceremonies that atheists want to have for their kids?
Or do they ring up the local mosque and ask the imam to pop round to circumcise their son, or ask the rabbi to help throw a bar mitzvah?!
I can’t help thinking it’s very weird to want a ceremony you don’t believe in, to make vows to a God who you think doesn’t exist!
Mind you, as a Christian, I’m glad it gets them through the church door, and might encourage them to return and explore what our faith is all about.

sentMai · 22/04/2018 09:51

@didofido

"Do you REALLY think these are Christian values?"

Yes. Absolutely. Definitely. Completely. 100%. Entirely. Perfectly. Unreservedly. etc.

I take it straight from the bible - Institutio Generalis Missalis Romani, "this is the word of the lord.

Of course, "Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don't do such an outrageous thing." could be allegorical prose but I'm yet to understand the non-horrific meaning.

"Or indeed the values of anyone in civilised society?"

Fuck no! But please don't equate christianity with civility. They're pretty much mutually exclusive. I think that good christian and good person according to modern standards are mutually exclusive.

If you are a good person, you ignore the teachings of your faith (and good for you), if you follow the teachings of you're religion then you're likely on the run from the police or in prison.

Imagine what kind of fucked up world we would live in if people followed the preachings of their 'good book'.

Aridane · 22/04/2018 10:08

Have you been baptised yourself OP? If not you wouldn’t be allowed to be a CofE godparent anyway.

Is this really fight? I haven’t been baptised and vicar was happy for me to be a godparent

Original poster

Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 11:13

No I wasn't baptised.

I've always respected people's choice to trust in what they choose to trust.

If I go to a wedding, I drop my head to show respect but won't join in prayers/hymns.

I live in London, so multi faith friends are the norm. It's never been an issue.

Anyway, i think she has said something to the child.

He turned up, picked me up (always makes me laugh) and asked to take his second mum for dinner.

Bastard.

OP posts:

Woshambo · 22/04/2018 11:16

The non religious and LEGAL version of it is Guardian. They just have to name u in their will to take DC if anything happens to them.

Being a godparent does NOT legally entitled u to the child if the parents die.

Original poster

Pettynotvindictive · 22/04/2018 11:20

I think I'm a bit shocked by her reaction as it hasn't made a difference to anything.

He is too old to need care but I suppose never too old for guidance?

OP posts:

Woshambo · 22/04/2018 11:27

@pettynonvindictive I'd have said no too. I'm not religious but my partner is. We have agreed to let our child decide for themselves when they are older as was done to me. My grandmother was Catholic and papa was protestant (they brought me up) was taught about religion but decided instead to try my best to be a good person without following a particular religion.

Maybe try talking to her about it again? Just to clear the air

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/04/2018 11:31

I refused to be a god parent. Parents were active church choir, Sunday school teacher, bell ringing, church warden CofE, and I think assumed rest of family were religious, so I suspect my refusal was a bit of en eye-opener for them. But there was no way I could commit to helping child to know God.

Thanksforthatamazingpost · 22/04/2018 11:57

Hah!

My uncle refused to be my godfather IN CHURCH during the ceremony.

His wife, My aunt -who had no clue what his reasons were -said that in that case she would also refuse.

Now that, OP, is behaviour that gives rise to a legitimate resentment.

Mrsmadevans · 22/04/2018 12:04

YWNBU she totally has not got the right idea about being a God Parent at all. I am God parent to 2 of my friends children and I would not do it again . I am religious but they are not. I bought them both a beautiful bible for their christening and gave them money , sadly the bibles were not appreciated . l learned my lesson. I won't be a Godparent again and the last christening l went to l gave money. It made me feel very sad to be honest. I don't know why.

JamPasty · 22/04/2018 12:09

That is so weird! Have you asked her what she thinks would be different, other than you having the title godparent? Failing that, ask her son when you go for dinner :)

ButchyRestingFace · 22/04/2018 12:10

My uncle refused to be my godfather IN CHURCH during the ceremony.

His wife, My aunt -who had no clue what his reasons were -said that in that case she would also refuse.

What??

Was this sprung upon them unawares from the altar?

Or did they initially say 'yes' and then have a very belated rethink?

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